mass hysteria

Recapping The All Star Break

2011-07-15T14:45:00.002-04:00

Who's ready for the Red Sox to start back up again? Four days without any meaningful baseball (BUT THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!111!!!!) and I'm all kinds of geared up. But before we get back into the swing of things, we at Mass Hysteria have put together a quick little recap of the Home Run Derby and the All Star Game. But as is our style, this isn't just any ordinary recap! May I present: A Mass

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-07-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

Image credit to The Sports GeeksGood morning Hysterics! Sorry we've been on hiatus for a few weeks. The Bruins parade turned into the Bruins hangover, which turned into birthdays, Blogapaloozas, vacations, bachelor parties, and other random events, all of which involved copious amounts of alcohol. But rest assured, we're back, we're back, we're (mostly) detoxed, and we're ready for some Boston

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-20T10:10:00.001-04:00

Welcome back Hysterics,Hope you all had a nice alcohol fueled Bruins weekend like I did. Let's travel down the merry world of BCHysteria and see how his weekend went....My Friday was spent looking everywhere for a Bruins shirt for Saturday's parade. I know I know, I should have had a shirt before, but as documented here, the Bruins kind of lost me after their last lockout. I really wanted to find

Once Again, I'm Sure This Is Exactly How It Went Down

2011-06-17T12:38:00.000-04:00

We have another classic Taiwanese animation for you! It was not all super happy fun smile time in Vancouver after the Hockey Cup for Stanley was losing in the Canadian country. You watch now!

Soak It All In

2011-06-16T12:52:00.003-04:00

It didn't really hit me until I saw this photo. There. Are. No. Words.Enjoy it, folks. Parade at 11 am on Saturday. Sadly, I won't be around for it, but I trust the Hysterics will keep me posted on Twitter and on here. Also, special shout to Stanley Cup of Chowder, Cornelius Hardenbergh, Raquel, and all the other Bruins fans who are way more die hard than I. You guys deserve it.In the meantime, I

Believe In Boston

2011-06-16T00:26:00.000-04:00

GAME EFFING SEVEN

2011-06-15T18:34:00.001-04:00

I haven't been able to post all day. Too pumped. To excited. I worked, trying to detract my attention from this. But now it's here. The time is now. Game Fucking Seven. Luongo is going to shit himself. Marchand is going to kill somebody. TIM FUCKING THOMAS is going to DESTROY EVERYBODY! LET'S FUCKING DO THIS BRUINS! BELIEVE. IN. BOSTON.Editorial Interference:Just saw this on The Bruins Blog and

This Should Help You Get Through the Off Day

2011-06-14T20:28:00.004-04:00

player.render('fileUrl=http://www.podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/nyc.podcast.play.it/media/d0/d0/d0/dX/dY/dG/dA/XYGA_3.MP3&name=Toucher & Rich: Bruins Season Montage&artist=Toucher & Rich&stationID=20629&configFile=config.xml&buttonColor=grey&buttonOverColor=blue&backgroundColor=#FFFFFF&guid=90B26CA5300C');player.render('fileUrl=http://www.podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/nyc.podcast.play.it/media/d0/

Stop Hitting Yourself

2011-06-14T14:04:00.002-04:00

"I felt like it" - Brad Marchand

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-14T09:36:00.001-04:00

What a great morning to wake up and breathe that Boston air. Ahhhhhhh, that just feels great! Who cares if it's rainy, cold and dreary out, the Bruins beat the pants off the Canucks again last night! How could last night have gone more perfect? The pre-game show was basically NBC sucking the collective asshole of the Canucks, blabbing about them winning, and how great they were. They had the

Lebron James: The No-Ring King

2011-06-13T13:14:00.003-04:00

So if you haven't been able to tell, we here at Mass Hysteria are not huge fans of Lebron James. In fact, I would go as far as to say I hate him more than any other athlete on the planet. I love watching him fail, because he thinks he is entitled to win. I love watching him choke, because he thinks all he has to do is show up and he'll perform. And I love watching him whine, because after all of

A Message to Vancouver

2011-06-10T16:16:00.006-04:00

Dear fans, coaches and players of Vancouver.I bet you all happy that your Canucks are back in their friendly confines of the Rogers Arena after getting your ass absolutely handed to you in Boston. Talk trash all you want, cry, say that Tim Thomas is lucky, but we all saw what goalie got yanked in Game 4. The more you cry and whine, the more you show what you truly are, scared and desperate. Look,

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-10T09:35:00.000-04:00

Wait, there was a baseball game last night? Wait, what? After a three and a half hour rain delay, the Sox actually got to play the Yankees last night to finish off their three game series in the Bronx. Not that I had a clue, I was asleep long before that game started. But from what I read online, it was quite the game. The Sox were down 2-0 going into the 7th inning, and decided to turn on their

Let's Bury This Team

2011-06-09T15:24:00.001-04:00

Hey folks, sorry for the lack of updates today. Real life got in the way for a little while. Rest assured we are insanely pumped about the Bruins. And not to worry! I was still able to find the time to create a shoddy Photo Shop (MS Paint and Photo Shop are the same, right?) of what Canucks fans should be expecting within the next week or so:Bring it.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-08T11:25:00.002-04:00

Good morning, friends. Is it me, or is there an awful lot of crying going on this morning? Let's recap the tears:Wahh wahh, David Ortiz flipped his bat and Jon Lestruzaka hit a few guys with pitches, waah. Shut up. Lester was erratic, and even though he held down the victory, I find it hard to say that BCHysteria's reverse jinx from yesterday worked. Lester has been quite wild as of late, but his

Mass Hysteria's Newest Reverse Jinx Target: Jon Lester

2011-06-07T17:28:00.004-04:00

Here at Mass Hysteria, we constantly bash on athletes for poor performances, it's part of the landscape of this blog. But an interesting trend has arisen recently. This season every time Smarty or I make a negative comment about a player, they completely turn it around and play fantastic baseball. Some people we have ripped on recently that support this trend: Jonathan Papelbon, Carl Crawford, JD

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-07T10:50:00.000-04:00

Hello and happy Tuesday, Hysterics. If you're anything like me, you didn't sleep last night. You were too jacked up. You wanted to throw on some Rage Against the Machine or some Motörhead and light some couches on fire. You wanted to gear up, head to a rink, and deck some people. FUCK, THAT WAS AWESOME! I haven't been that pumped since Varitek made A-Rod deep-throat his mitt (which ironically I

Welcome to Boston, Green Men!

2011-06-06T17:49:00.001-04:00

Hi friends from up north!I just love how you dressed up in your skin tight suits and play mind games with opponents of your beloved Vancouver Cancusk. And then lookie you are on TV, looking so devilish, probably with no clue you copied that idea from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Because in Canada it's all moose and curling, and no one there uses a television other than to watch hockey and

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-06T11:00:00.002-04:00

Good morning, all. Hope you had an enjoyable weekend despite the Bruins. As BCHysteria already pointed out, the B's have their backs against the wall, but those smelly Canadians step into our house tonight, and it's going to be a whole new ballgame. Or puck-game? Whatever. I like the Bruins chances at home, but they're still going to have to play better, score better, and whatever the hell they

ESPN Misses the Point Volume 6,210

2011-06-05T07:25:00.010-04:00

ESPN, do you really think critics were saying "Gosh you know who needs to step up? Alex Burrows." They were saying "ALEX BURROWS SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING IN THIS GAME BECAUSE HE BIT PATRICE BERGERON!!!". Bruins fans are pissed off because it was pretty clear that Burrows maliciously bit Bergeron, and wasn't punished, and then "Voila!" - he wins the game for the 'Nucks. I swear that tWWL is aversive

Intensity....on your ass....and all for charity

2011-06-04T11:14:00.002-04:00

If you haven't caught it yet, Youkilis, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford created shirts for charity. Now, normally I wouldn't mock acts of charity but these shirt designs are just so, um, unique? The front of the shirt looks like any standard Sox jersey, with just a splash of patriotism. But turn it over and...BAM. Who wouldn't want to walk around with a picture of Kevin Youkilis covering their

Happy Stanleys Cup Finars from Taiwan

2011-06-03T17:30:00.003-04:00

I just found this video in the Mass Hysteria inbox, and well I had to share it with you all immediately. This video has it all, terrible stiff animation, absolutely no insight into American/Canadian culture, and weird weird Asian jokes. There is an English version as well, but I having the terrible translations on the bottom works so much better. Please watch this. Please....for me?

New Poll: Will Daisuke Stay in MLB or Return to Japan?

2011-06-03T14:45:00.001-04:00

In light of BCHysteria's recent post on Dice-K, we must ask:When his time with the Red Sox is up, will Daisuke Matsuzaka return to Japan?

Some Thoughts on Dice-K

2011-06-03T14:06:00.000-04:00

Everyone by now has heard the news, Dice K is off to the land of Dr. Yocum where he will have the magical Tommy John surgery that could effectively end his time with the Red Sox. For many, myself included this seemed like welcome news. Without a doubt the Dice-K years have been some of the most frustrating, irritating years of my Red Sox life. Here is a guy who came in after a huge transfer fee,

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-03T10:36:00.001-04:00

Good morning, Hysterics. Slow night in Boston sports last night, with both the Sox and Bruins getting much-needed days off. So I don't know about you, but I decided to just relax and take a break from sports. However, right before I was about to turn in, I flicked on the NBA Finals, and I immediately got hooked in. I told myself I wasn't going to watch any more of the NBA Playoffs after the C's

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-06-02T09:32:00.002-04:00

Oof, good morning folks, hope you made it throw the night. Mornings like this make doing the nightly recap that much harder, but it has to be done. That's how much we love you, The Hysterics.Let's start with the Bruins, I guess. Game 1 happened last night, and as much as I'd love to forget it, we lost. With 18.5 seconds left, on a stupid Johnny Boychuk turnover. How many times have we said that

It's Game Day, Boys and Girls

2011-06-01T15:34:00.000-04:00

Picture courtesy of our friends over at Days of Y'Orr.Here we are. The Stanley Cup Finals. For the first time since 1992, when I was nine years old. Back then I couldn't have told you the names of 3 NHL players, let alone 3 Bruins - I was far too busy with my Red Sox sticker books and NKOTB novelty-sized buttons. (Come on, you know you had them too.) So needless to say, we've come a long way

What You Need To Know About Vancouver

2011-05-31T18:25:00.001-04:00

Now that Boston has disposed of Tampa, the toilet of America, it's time to move on to Canada. The Bruins already took care of the Frenchies, and Toronto's hockey team is still giving them all of their #1 draft picks for Phil Kessel, so now we turn to Vancouver, the dingleberry of Canada. If you Google Vancouver, the first thing you may see is how livable the county/district/province/

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-31T10:40:00.005-04:00

Good morning all, hope everyone enjoyed the awesome weekend that was. Sorry we were out of commission for the entire ordeal, but let me be the 4,289,467th person to say: THE BRUINS ARE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING STANLEY CUP FINALS! Sadly, myself and BCHysteria were traveling at the time, so we relied on our Twitter following to keep us posted on the Bruins goings on, and let me just say on behalf of

Enjoy the Weekend

2011-05-27T18:23:00.001-04:00

Go Bruins.

The NFL's Love Affair with Brett Favre Continues

2011-05-27T11:50:00.003-04:00

So Mike Reiss over at ESPN.com reports that the NFL is doing a Top 100 Players of All Time ranking thingy. The shocking pick?20. Brett Favre21. Tom BradyScratches, squints eyes, reads it again.20. Brett Favre21. Tom BradyHmmm, I must be losing my vision, or I am reading this all wrong. Did I just see that correctly?20. Brett Favre21. Tom BradyYup. It's not surprising the NFL would pick Favre over

Tampa Fans Drenched with Water, Tears

2011-05-26T15:02:00.003-04:00

So by now you've probably seen this video, as it circulated around the blogs and the Facebooks and people Twit it on their Tweeter, or whatever these kids do this days with their internet and their rap music. Anyhow, if you haven't seen it, check around the 1:30 mark - a Bruins player (Puck Daddy says Nathan Horton) sprays a "Lightning fan" with his water bottle, then tosses the bottle up at the

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-26T11:15:00.001-04:00

Must... make it... to... Friday... night. Can... not... think... of last night's game...GOD THAT SUCKEDHi guys and gals, I'm a hurting little buckaroo this morning. But not to worry - I have a giant water in front of me and enough coffee to caffeinate half the eastern sea board. My head hurts, my eyes sting, and I feel like I woke up next to Chaz Bono...and that's only because of the Bruins.

My Mea Culpa

2011-05-25T16:56:00.010-04:00

On this blog, I have gained the reputation as a loud mouthed, uncouth lout. I make rash judgments on basically everybody, and sometimes I am right....other times I have been wrong. Instead of apologizing for everything I've ever said, I'm just going to create bullets for easy reading. The following I have been wrong about:Jason Varitek for saying that he should have retired three years ago.Tim

Memo to Yahoo! Sports

2011-05-25T14:00:00.000-04:00

You'd better hope there are no Native American players without file photos on the Indians. Otherwise, something like this could be construed as offensive.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-25T10:08:00.002-04:00

Two of Tampa's finest residents.Good morning everyone, I hope everyone is geared up for tonight's Bruins game. I know I am; nice weather out, a shot at the Stanley Cup Finals - this only means one thing: DRINKING! And please, please, PLEASE don't drink Natty Ice like the rednecks in this pic. I don't care if you're still in college - crack open a Sam's or a Harpoon or a Magic Hat or something.

The Most Beautiful Thing You Will Ever See In Your Life

2011-05-24T14:10:00.000-04:00

(h/t Toucher and Rich)This screen grab, much like a woman breastfeeding in public, is beautiful. But you should not stare at it. Never stare. It is just too awesome.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-24T10:06:00.005-04:00

Fantastic artwork by the guys over at Days of Y'orrGood morning again folks, thanks for coming back and making Mass Hysteria the #45234 blog in all of Boston!!!! Last night was another busy night in sports, as both the Bruins and Red Sox were in action. If you were like me, you set your Tivo up, made it sure it recorded the premiere of the Bachelorette, and watched some good ole sports. (Grunts,

Another Mass Hysteria Exclusive: Macho Man Randy Savage

2011-05-23T16:05:00.003-04:00

We here at Mass Hysteria are always committed to bringing you the latest breaking news stories from the world of sports. And today is no different. I know a lot of us were touched by the death of Macho Man Randy Savage last Friday; we at Mass Hysteria re-ran our Wrestlers of Yore post as a tribute to his legacy, and I saw an outpouring of fans on Twitter and Facebook posting videos, photos, and

The Sissification of Our Once Heroic Quarterback Is Now Complete

2011-05-23T13:58:00.000-04:00

Yes, that is Tom Brady screaming like a little girl as he goes down a water slide in Mexico with his hot piece of ass wife. After the Bieber haircut, the Euro ponytail, the men's fashion magazines and the Yankee hats, I thought I saw it all. But this new picture takes the cake. You'd expect to see this out of Eli Manning, but Tom Brady is meant to embody masculinity...not this crap. I don't even

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-23T10:28:00.001-04:00

Good morning sports fans - I hope everyone enjoyed the nice weekend that at least ended on a good note, sports-wise. Last night Tim "Shot-Put" Wakefield dazzled the Cubs with his 58 mile-per-hour floater and shut the mouths of critics like myself and BCHysteria. You win, Timmy. I'll stop begging for your retirement, at least until the next time you give up 7 runs over two innings. Bard pitched

Wrestlers of Yore: Macho Man Randy Savage

2011-05-20T14:55:00.005-04:00

(NOTE: This post [written by GHABBY] originally ran on November 21, 2008. We are re-running it unedited in a tribute to Savage, who passed away today at the age of 58.)Few professional wrestlers have touched our hearts to the extent that the Macho Man Randy Savage has. He taught us to snap into Slim Jims. His theme music is played at every high school graduation. He gave us three of the greatest

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-20T09:02:00.000-04:00

I spy with my little eye... more Bruins fans than Lightning fans.What a great morning to be a Boston sports fan! The Bruins won in that seething cesspool that is named Tampa Bay, the Red Sox walked off with a win because of a guy Tampa Bay produced but couldn't afford to keep. Can anything be any better. (Don't look out the window, that doesn't count). Let's take a look at what's been a happenin'

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Mike "Cowhead" Calta

2011-05-19T16:06:00.008-04:00

It's true, Hysterics. At long last, one of our (and hopefully your) favorite features is back. I know GHABB,Y~! usually spearheads these, but this is too good for me to pass up.As you all may have heard, the Bruins posted some pretty mild trash-talking signs at the Garden, taking shots at Tampa Bay Lightning fans. Here's one of them:Again, clever, pretty mild, and all in good fun. Well apparently

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-19T11:00:00.002-04:00

Morning Hysterics, this weather is starting to get to your favorite foul mouthed editor. This dreary rain and cold temperature feel like its been going on for an eternity. I'm certain I haven't seen the sun in a month. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE BCHYSTERIA A DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE BCHYSTERIA A DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE BCHYSTERIA A DULL BOY. Sorry, I have been having a lot

WEEI YOU TRULY ARE #2

2011-05-18T17:58:00.002-04:00

Courtesy of the fellas over at Fang Bites, your April Aribitron Ratings (drum roll please):APRIL 2011 Ratings – 98.5 The Sports Hub vs. WEEI TOUCHER & RICH M 25-54 – 9.8 (1st) M 18-49 – 13.1 (1st) M 18-34 – 20.9 (1st)DENNIS & CALLAHAN M 25-54 – 5.9 (3t) M 18-49 – 5.0 (7th)M 18-34 – 2.6 (12th) OH SNAP D&C! That looks like a royal ass kicking to me at the hands of Toucher and Rich. Maybe if you

Breakfast with the Seguinistas

2011-05-18T10:25:00.003-04:00

h/t to Matt Kalman of The Bruins Blog for coining the term "Seguinista".Now we all know why Seguin didn't play much during Lent. BECAUSE HE GOES HAM!How awesome was this kid last night? He's played about as much professional hockey in the past month or so as I have, and he comes in and just goes OFF in a big way, almost single-handedly leading the Bruins to the win. Two goals and two assists in

A Birthday Poem for Matty Ryan

2011-05-17T18:48:00.003-04:00

My dearest Matty Ryan, on this your special day,I'd like to send my wishes and kisses your way.Though you now may be married and in new love's bliss,You may never find a true love like this.At the Heights I watched you throw passes with ease,After touchdowns you'd point to the stands,And I thought, Oh what a tease!I'd follow you to class whether you knew or not.And watched while you showered, OOH

This Should Surprise Exactly No One

2011-05-17T15:45:00.000-04:00

So I'm not the only one that thinks that Doc Rivers sounds like Gollum when he's mic'd up on the sidelines, right? Well as it turns out, the Celtics coach is going to have throat surgery. I'm not a doctor and even I could have told you that all that yelling he does puts stress on his vocal chords. So it makes me wonder - what's the next SHOCKING surgery to come out of Celtics camp?Garnett has

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-17T11:18:00.001-04:00

Happy dreary morning to you and yours from your friends at Mass Hysteria. The crappy weather continues in the Boston area for the 3765th day in a row, but the Red Sox continue their stretch of hot baseball. Before I start the recap, I'd like to look at one of the constant criticisms of yours truly and Mass Hysteria in general. I admit we have a tendency to be overly critical of our athletes. I

PRAISE JESUS HES GONE.....

2011-05-16T19:13:00.003-04:00

....for a minimum of 15 days. Whatever, at least we don't have to watch him take a giant shit on the mound every five days for at least 3 starts, win win for all of us. Now if only his wife would give me a call, I got to be better looking than that mug....Editors Note: I had no clue Lackey's wife had breast cancer, which makes me sound like a giant dick for half the jokes in this post.

Shaquille O'Neal's Celtics-Heat Series Preview

2011-05-16T17:11:00.000-04:00

Hello Boston, it's ya boy Shaq Daddy, here to bring you the 411 on the upcoming Heat-Celtics series. As you know I've been busy doing acts of Shaq-ness, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER. Opening clubs, Comcast commercials, Icy-Hot Commercials, studying for deputy marshal badge, divorcing my wife, banging Hoopz, spending Danny Ainge's money, rehabbing my back, designing Shaq-Fu for the XBOX 360, and laying

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

THE RED SOX ARE .500! THE RED SOX ARE .500!File that one under "Things you didn't think you'd be celebrating on May fucking 16th".But yes, our long national nightmare is over. After a beatdown of the Yankees in the Bronx over the weekend, the Red Sox are finally NOT under .500! Now that they have that monkey off their back, things are sure to turn around real quick! Hell, even Salalamacchia went

Beating the Yankees Always Feels Good

2011-05-14T09:50:00.000-04:00

(brilliant photoshop courtesy of NoMaas, side note is a fantastic Yankees blog)Last night had all the makings of a Yankees win. It was an away game, the Red Sox have been struggling mightily, and when they couldn't expand the lead past 2-0 we all had the feeling the Yanks were going to get back into it. And NY did, with one swing of the bat from "The catcher Theo didn't really push all that hard

The Morning After: A Non Sports Day Link Dump

2011-05-13T15:44:00.005-04:00

Hi everyone,Nothing happened last night in sports, well unless you still are following the NBA (I gave that up for post Lent), or care about the Red Wings/Shark series. After some consideration SmartyBarrett and myself decided that the best thing to do on these sports less days is a link dump. There are some other fantastic blogs out there, many of which you may have never read, so it's our duty

Don't Blame us blame Google

2011-05-13T13:50:00.003-04:00

It seems like Bloggers mainframe system has been hacked or destroyed, probably by Al Queda or Darth Vader. I don't know, I'm a blogger not a programmer. Please be patient as these nincompoops fix whatever the hell is wrong and restore the last four posts that magically deleted. Don't worry SmartyBarrett and myself have copies of the previous posts along with two more posts for today and as soon

The Mass Hysteria Interview Series: Mary Paoletti

2011-05-12T15:30:00.000-04:00

Mass Hysteria isn't all about dick jokes, sarcastic digs at New York baseball players and tributes to dead wrestlers. Occasionally someone in the mainstream media actually reads our site, and more shockingly ENJOYS IT. Back in May of 2010, GHABB,Y~! wrote a guest piece for CSNNE for an up and coming blogger named Mary Paoletti. We thought it over and eventually wrote a piece on the Celtics and

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-12T09:30:00.001-04:00

I don't know about anyone else, but all last night and most of this morning I've been thinking about the Celtics 2008 championship run. I don't know if it's to deflect my mind off last night's loss, or because I know it might be quite some time before the C's win another title, or simply because I'm forcing myself to "think happy thoughts", but it's probably the best thing to do after last

Breaking off Tony Mazz, FJM Style

2011-05-11T16:30:00.001-04:00

We here at Mass Hysteria like to pay homages to our idols. Scrolling through our vast archives you will find tributes to such greats as Bill Simmons, Will Leitch, and Hulk Hogan. Without their great contributions to the internets and blogs Smarty, Ghabby and myself understand we would be yelling about John Lackey at our journals and diaries. So today, it's time for us to honor the great lords of

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-11T10:00:00.002-04:00

First, the good news. This asshole above just got suspended for 5 games.I was taking great pleasure watching this game, as the Lakers got smoked, Kobe glared at teammates, and Phil Jackson inched closer to (a hopefully painful) death. But then shit got ugly. Look, I like seeing a guy get knocked on his ass as much as the next day. I still get kind of giddy watching Coco Crisp dodge a punch from

Jason Varitek Can Do No Wrong...

2011-05-10T15:55:00.000-04:00

...Apparently.We're over a month into the season and it's become glaringly apparent that the Red Sox have an issue at the catcher position. The defense is below average, the offense is worse than below average, and there's been constant talk of trading for a catcher, signing a catcher, calling up a catcher from AAA, etc. While I may disagree with some of the inane ideas that journalists, bloggers

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-10T09:30:00.001-04:00

Morning again hysterics! Ever woke up and felt like you're in a haze for the entire morning and you can't shake it? That's what this morning feels like to me. I stayed up way too late last night watching sporting events, and my homemade Keurig Iced Coffee seems awfully weak this morning. Could someone please come to my office and give me a quick shot of pure liquid adrenaline? Thanks, otherwise

A Few Ideas for the Next Red Sox Charity Wine

2011-05-09T13:00:00.001-04:00

So as I mentioned a few days ago, Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz each released wines last week to benefit cancer research. And of course, each wine has a hilariously punny name: ChardonClay for Buchholz and CabernAce for Lester. Which got the wheels turning in my head... what would they name JD Drew's wine? Or Daniel Bard's? Here are some suggestions for various players:White ZinfandElf - Dustin

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-09T09:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to the mad mad world of Mass Hysteria folks, hope you all had a relaxing alcohol/drug/hooker fueled weekend. It was quite possibly the most excellent weekend in Boston sports since, well, two weeks ago, but whatever it still kicked ass. The Bruins knocked the Flyers out, the Celtics won on the gimpy arm of Rajon Rondo, and the Sox won 2 out 3, which at this point is about all you can

My Dogs Fighting as a Symbolic Representation of the Bruins Series

2011-05-07T15:22:00.005-04:00

These are my two dogs, Henry and Harper. Harper is the black dog, and Henry is the older Golden Retriever.....Harper represents the Bruins, Henry the Flyers....Enjoy (sorry it's at a weird angle, I'm not adept at video editing yet)

An Open Letter to the City of Philadelphia

2011-05-06T16:55:00.002-04:00

After a romantic night on the townDear Philadelphia,It's over. In your minds I'm sure all of you are thinking right now "OH BUT BCHYSTERIA, DAH FLYERS CAME BACK FROM 3 DOWN TO BEAT DAH BREWINS LAST YEAR." Well that's nice asshat, but it's not happening again. You see my simpleton septic dump of a city to the west, what happened in 2010 happens once in a lifetime, and I can

Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz are #wining

2011-05-06T15:15:00.001-04:00

Yes, wining. Last night I had the privilege of attending a charity wine event at the House of Blues to promote new wines featuring Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz. Besides those two, the lovely Heidi Watney was in the house as emcee, and I also spotted Daniel Bard and the detestable Dan Shaughnessy. It was a pretty kick-ass event; there were a ton of awesome framed photos for auction (most of them

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-06T09:35:00.001-04:00

Good morning fellow Bostonians and blog readers, its time for another breakfast post, brought to you by your favorite malcontent BCHysteria. It's Friday, and I have evolved past the obvious Rebecca Black jokes, so you won't be seeing any of those today. Boston got a break last night from the heart stopping NBA and NHL Playoffs, which is great because my central nervous system resembles that of

Some Random Thoughts During an Afternoon Sox Game

2011-05-05T14:30:00.002-04:00

So I wanted to get a post up first thing this morning because I was so pumped about the Bruins and I had a million things to say. But sadly, this thing called "employment" got in the way, and I'm sure you've read everything there is to read about the game by now. So as you sit at work listening to the Sox on the radio or furiously refreshing GameCast, here are some general musings on Boston

Is There Anything This Man Can't Do?

2011-05-04T17:05:00.007-04:00

Put BC Football on the map? CheckThrow arguably the greatest pass in college football history? Check.Break every conceivable record in the CFL? Check.Drop kick an extra point? Check.Produce smoking hot offspring? Check.

And with the 51st pick in the UFL draft, the Omaha Nighthawks select....

2011-05-04T16:07:00.003-04:00

Mark Herzlich. Like the rest of the free world I know next to nothing about the UFL. I couldn't tell you the teams, where the hell they play, and who plays there. Are they even on TV? (Yes according to wikipedia, they are shown on Versus and something called HDNET). At first I just thought this was a publicity stunt by a desperate and completely irrelevant "football league". But as Twitter

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-04T11:10:00.000-04:00

So full disclosure: I was at Fenway Park last night, so I missed the entire Celtics game. Seems like it was a blessing in disguise. From reading my Twitter and Facebook timelines it seems people had some problems with the officiating yet again. Shocking! LeBron is a superstar and he hasn't won a ring yet - the NBA is going to give him all the freakin calls he needs because his jersey sells. I

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-05-03T10:02:00.000-04:00

Another night of Boston sports, another exciting night of action in both games. Hope you all got to sit back, pour a cold one and enjoy the games. Also, Bin Laden is fish food right now, so there's that. USA! USA! USA! Alright enough of this patriotism, let's get to SPORTS! (Drinks muscle milk, smashes head into wall.)Remember all the talk at the beginning of the season that said Clay Buchholz

5 Things About this Weekend That Pissed Me Off

2011-05-02T19:13:00.006-04:00

1. These three assholes. After the "Decision", the "whatever the hell this press conference thing was", and the subsequent ESPN hype machine that hasn't stopped, I couldn't stand the Big 3. And fuck you for trying to co-op this name. LeBrick, and that tall lesbian haired giraffe made me hate a team more than I have ever hated another team before. Lakers included. Nothing made me happier than the

Mass Hysteria Enters the World of Investigative Reporting

2011-05-02T09:50:00.006-04:00

As we all know, last night President Obama announced that Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed by US Military forces. But when I went to bed late last night, that's pretty much all I knew. However, with new details emerging this morning, we're finding out more and more about how this all went down. But if you head over to CNN or the New York Times, you won't get the full story, because I am about

Crime of the Century: The Mark Herzlich Draft Day Story

2011-05-01T10:22:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest stories of the 2nd and 3rd day of the draft was: Where is cancer defeating, offensive shredding, general badass Mark Herzlich going to end up? Herzlich hit up all the media, ESPN.com had his picture on the front page of their draft coverage, and all the mock drafts had him lined up to either go somewhere from the 3rd-7th round. I cleared my schedule and sat in front of the TV

Your "What The Hell Are The Patriots Doing In The NFL Draft?" Update

2011-04-30T14:45:00.004-04:00

So as we get get started into the final day of the draft, let's see how our beloved Pats are looking. BCHysteria gave us a fantastic preview on Thursday, so I thought I would revisit it and have a look-see at the Pats progress."The Patriots have absolutely no pass rush, no top of the line RB, and big time needs on the Offensive Line."Belichick addressed one of those needs right away, by taking

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-04-29T10:46:00.002-04:00

Good morning losers, hope your all enjoying this non descript, un special day of the week. Is everybody looking forward to the weekend? Weekend? I know I am as I sit at home, watching the Mel Kiper robot drone on and on about "CAM NEWTON IS A SPECIAL PLAYER" & "BOWERS IS AN INJURY RISK, BOWERS IS AN INJURY RISK" , but first gotta get my bowl, and eat my cereal. Last night we had the annual NFL

Bill Belichick's Wet Dream Happens Again Tonight

2011-04-28T17:16:00.006-04:00

I get very excited about the NFL Draft, probably because I am one of seven college football fans in Massachusetts (GHABBY moving out of state because of extortion threats from the Irish Mob, and Smartybarrett couldn't name two ACC QB's if you paid him) . I love watching what happens to the big names, who will be the next JaMarcus Russell, homoerotic player profiles on ESPN, how will the Redskins

The Bruins Win, But Somehow Continue to Take Years Off Our Lives

2011-04-28T11:30:00.002-04:00

After listening to and reading about as much as I could regarding the Bruins yesterday, I still couldn't decide how I felt come game-time. On one hand, the Bruins were probably the better team. On the other, they ALWAYS seem to lose games like this. So when I checked into the bar last night, the best way to describe the atmosphere was cautious optimism. Even when the Bruins jolted to a 2-0 lead,

My Life as a Pink Hat Bruins Fan

2011-04-27T14:14:00.001-04:00

I will be the first to admit: I am a Pink Hat, a loathsome detestable creature out to ruin your sports experience. Wel,l at least this is true when it comes to following the Boston Bruins. During the regular season, I probably could count the number of games I watched on one hand. I only watched those games because they were being shown at the bar where I was imbibing copious amounts of booze. I

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-04-27T10:50:00.000-04:00

I assume most of you, like me, are hunched over this morning from the nut-punch we all received last night as we flipped back and forth between the Bruins and Sox. Frankly, that's why this post is going up so late. Try Lunch with the Hysterics. Or better yet, Liquid Lunch with the Hysterics. Yes, that's the ticket.First the Sox, because we'll move in order from least shitty to most shitty. Any

FOOTBALL IS BACK

2011-04-25T18:23:00.004-04:00

Dear Owners,Eat shit and die.Sincerely,Football Fans of America

Alternate Titles to Derek Jeter's Book

2011-04-25T14:45:00.001-04:00

So this morning news broke that Captain Clutch (no, not Captain StrikeoutMachine, he's a different entity) was penning a book. Yawn. Jeter has never been forthcoming about anything, so I imagine this book will be about as interesting as the autobiography of a 45-year-old knuckleballer with the personality of a brick wall. "The Captain" has to be the most clichéd name of a book since "Curse

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2011-04-25T09:45:00.002-04:00

The holiest of holy weeks is over, let us bow our heads and give thanks. Let us rejoice and be glad.Wait, you thought I was talking about Easter? Fuck that shit, I'm talking about the Celtics, Bruins, and Red Sox! Do you realize that NONE of these teams have lost since TUESDAY? And since none of them play tonight, we're going to go an entire freakin' WEEK without a loss. So let's try and recap

What's a Twitter?

2011-04-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

Dennys Reyes moving to his natural habitat. The Ocean of Creme Filling and Chocolate ShakesHope everyone out there in Hysteria land is having a great weekend, I certainly am. Celtics won last night, kicking the piss out of the hapless Knicks, the Sox won AGAIN, and I slept in until 10 this morning. Winning all around.Why the weekend post? Consider this a public service announcement from your

Tales from the West Coast. Baseball Games in the Wee Hours of the Morning

2011-04-22T15:57:00.001-04:00

Before I go over last night's game, can I just go on a diatribe for a minute? What you don't want me to? Tough crap. I hate you West Coast, and I especially hate your stupid time zone. Why the hell do we on the East Coast have to suffer because you start games at 10pm our time? Unlike you Californians who just lay around smoking weed with Snoop Dogg, surfing some gnarly waves, and munching on In

Breakfast with the Hyste...aw, screw it. BRUINS WIN! WOOOOOOO!

2011-04-22T09:50:00.005-04:00

Playoff. Fucking. Hockey.OK, so I fully admit to being a fairweather hockey fan. I never miss a Red Sox or Patriots or URI basketball game. I rarely miss a Celtics' game. But hockey? Unless it's like a big Bruins/Habs regular season game, I'm content for someone to not wake me until the playoffs. Judge me if you must; 5 or 6 years ago, I couldn't name 3 NHL players, let alone 3 Bruins. If

What'd We Miss? Two Years of Sports News Condensed to One Post

2011-04-21T14:39:00.003-04:00

As we've already mentioned, it's been close to two years since we last posted regularly here at Mass Hysteria, since that time a lot has happened that you probably wanted to know our thoughts on...well here it goes in no particular order. There was a lot to comb through, and I probably missed something, so throw in suggestions in the comments. After losing his house, kids and car to Isaiah Thomas

A Bet Made

2011-04-21T08:03:00.001-04:00

This afternoon over at the now vacant Gillette Stadium (sorry the Revolution doesn't count), the UMass Safety School Minutemen announced that they are going to be a FBS Division 1 School. They are set to join the MAC and compete against perennial power houses Kent State, Eastern Michigan and Larry's Plumbing and Heating. Well at dinner tonight over drinks, my friend and reader DALE! started

We Need A Little Controversy...

2011-04-20T13:50:00.002-04:00

So anyone who hasn't been living under a rock lately knows that Jed Lowrie has been, how do I put this... TEARING SHIT UP. I mean, just this past weekend he ripped 14 doubles, crushed 52 homers, batted 8.000, finished 7th in the Boston Marathon, and impregnated your girlfriend AND your ex with one ejaculation.OK, all joking aside, he has been basically the best Sox hitter all year, and at times

Dear Spike Lee...

2011-04-19T23:42:00.003-04:00

First of all, let me say how cute it is that your Knicks are in the playoffs for the first time since 2004. It's so great that your team finally got into the postseason in a sport that allows more than half its teams into the playoffs every year! Watch out Clippers, the Knicks are in the lottery no more! Wait, you sold all your first round picks anyways for the Eddy Currys of the world,

Celtics Game 2 Live Blog

2011-04-19T19:03:00.001-04:00

Celtics/Red Sox Live Blog

Your "Hey, John Lackey Is Pitching!" Random Tuesday Drinking Game

2011-04-19T13:38:00.001-04:00

1. Refer to BC Hysteria's Dice-K drinking game.2. Replace "Dice-K" with "John Lackey"3. Replace "Kenyan" with "hot Cali chick"4. Replace "American leading the Marathon" with "Jermaine O'Neal leading the Celtics in scoring"5. In regards to the Bruins rule, I now suggest that any time Don and Jerry refer to the Bruins, find something (or preferably someone) Canadian and punch it. Punch it hard.

When I'm Wrong, I am Wrong (Dice K Edition)

2011-04-19T10:18:00.005-04:00

If you jumped by Mass Hysteria yesterday, you would have saw an entire drinking game based on the probability that Red Sox pitcher Dice K Matzusaka would get crushed by the Blue Jays. I figured he was pitching like balls, and hadn't given hope that things would change. Well if you played along with the game, you most likely ended up either a) staying depressing sober or b) said screw the game and

Your Marathon Monday Drinking Game

2011-04-18T10:24:00.001-04:00

Welcome back to Mass Hysteria Sports. After our two year hiatus we have decided that its time to take this blog to the next level. What does that mean? Who the hell knows.Happy Marathon Monday, or Patriots Day, or "Random Monday Holiday used to punish the liver". If you are like me, and are trying to find a fun interesting way to get inebriated from the comfort of your couch, look no further. All

Breakfast With the Hysterics

2011-04-18T08:50:00.001-04:00

Well good morning everyone. It's true - we're back. After an extended hiatus of booze, hookers, blow, more booze, illegal internet gambling, parole hearings, and still more booze, here we are, ready to jump back in to the Boston Sports blogging scene.And what a day for the relaunch. Patriots Day, Marathon Monday, Sox winning more than one game in a row, Celtics winning in the playoffs, Bruins...

One of my favorite Wrestlemania Moments..in MS Paint

2011-03-30T13:58:00.004-04:00

In honor of this weekend's Wrestlemania, and a "crudely draw your favorite 'Mania moment in MS Paint" thread on the Wrestling Observer board, here is my horribly-drawn interpretation of the main event of Wrestlemania 13:

A Short Little Prayer

2010-10-25T16:57:00.003-04:00

Dear God:I know I haven't been a very good Catholic lately, heck I swear, drink and only go to church when I'm forced to. But today I come to you a humble man. I pray that in your devine wisdom you can find a way to intervene and make Gene DeFilipo fire Frank Spaziani and Gary Tranquil. And if you can DeFilipo amenable to your wisdom, you could always have Father Leahy fire them all. He seems

Test

2010-09-27T17:44:00.002-04:00

So I went out and bought a new phone. Let's see how this works1. Jonathan Papelbon is not very good.2. BC football is in a lot of trouble.3. The Pats let up 30 points to Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick. Woohoo