Friday, July 15, 2011
at 2:45 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
Who's ready for the Red Sox to start back up again? Four days without any meaningful baseball (BUT THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!111!!!!) and I'm all kinds of geared up. But before we get back into the swing of things, we at Mass Hysteria have put together a quick little recap of the Home Run Derby and the All Star Game. But as is our style, this isn't just any ordinary recap! May I present: A Mass Hysteria Exclusive! Recapping the Home Run Derby will be ESPN's Chris Berman, and the All Star Game run-down will be handled by Fox's Joe Buck! Take it away, fellas!
THANKS, SMARTY! WELL THE HOME RUN DERBY WAS AN EXCITING ONE AS MANY BOMBS WENT TOWAAARRRDDDSSSSS THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPLISH SPLASH, I WAS TAKING A BATH! SPLASHDOWN! GET ON YOUR SWIM TRUCKS, THAT ONE IS WET! KER-SPLUSH! ANTHATISGONEEE!!!!
AFTER THE FIRST ROUND WE WERE NARROWED DOWN TO DAVID "AND GOLIATH" ORTIZ, "YO" ADRIAN "I DID IT!" GONZALEZ, "HERE'S TO YOU MRS." ROBINSON CANO, AND "GOODNIGHT SWEET" PRINCE FIELDER! AND WHAT A ROUND IT WAS! "THE" PRINCE "AND THE PAUPER" FIELDER HIT ONE BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK AND GOOOONNNEEEEE! A MOOOOOOOOOONSHOT! FOR THE LONGEST HOME RUN OF THE NIGHT! BUT ROBINSON "CRUSOE" CANO HIT ONE TOWARDS THE GGGEEEEEEEEEE-SERIES SIGN!!! AND ADRIAN "PENTA" GON-ZALEZ HIT ONE TOWARDS ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY! SUN-DEVIL POWER! AND THOSE TWO WERE ABLE TO MOVE ON TO THE FINAL ROUND! WOWWWWWWW!!!!!
ROBINSON CA-NO "WAY JOSE" HAD HIS DAD PITCHING TO HIM! HIS DAD WAS PITCHING! DID YOU GUYS NOTICE IT WAS HIS FATHER THROWING THE BALLS THAT ROBINSON WAS, IN TURN, HITTING OVER THE FENCE? HIS DAD WAS PITCHING! AND ROBIN-SON "OF A PREACHER MAN" CANO WAS ABLE TO WIN THE HOME RUN DERBY, DEFEATING ADRIAN "GONE BABY" GON-ZALEZ! WOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
AND NOW LOOK AT THIS! CONTESTANTS RICKY "EIGHT DAYS A" WEEKS, MATT HOLLIDAY "IN CAMBODIA", AND "NO WAY" JOSE BAUTISTA ARE NOW APPROACHING THE BROADCAST DESK! WITH THEIR BATS IN HAND!!! HEY GUYS! AND NOW BAUTISTA SWIIIIINGS AND---*THUD*
Hi guys it's me Joe Buck and I'm hear to recap the All Star game. What an exiting game it was. Derek Jeter. There were lots of plays that I definitely got really excited about. I'm sure you can tell by my tone here how excited I was. I mean, wow. Adrian Gonzalez got the scoring started for the AL. Home run. It was gone. 1-0 AL. He is a really good hitter. Unanimous MVP. I don't know who Jose Bautista is. Wow.
Then the NL scored 3 runs. Amazing. Price Fielder hit a home run. How good was that. Then they tacked on two more insurance runs in the later innings. The excitement was too much for me to bear. The AL tried to rally, but didn't. Paul Konerko came up in a key spot, but ZzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz....
Monday, July 11, 2011
at 12:00 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
Good morning Hysterics! Sorry we've been on hiatus for a few weeks. The Bruins parade turned into the Bruins hangover, which turned into birthdays, Blogapaloozas, vacations, bachelor parties, and other random events, all of which involved copious amounts of alcohol. But rest assured, we're back, we're back, we're (mostly) detoxed, and we're ready for some Boston sports.
First, the Bruins, who have been relatively quiet in the free agent market, which is not all that surprising. After Michael Ryder jumped ship and signed with Dallas, the B's went out and signed Benoit Pouliot (pronounced ben-WAH POO-lee-fuckthefrench). And OH NO TOMAS KABERLE IS GONE! Now who will grow an ugly V For Vendetta-esque goatee and lead the league in completely useless shot-fakes on the power play? The B's quickly signed Joe Corvo, who will hopefully provide a little something more than Kaberle's "very little."
Now a piece of minor news: former Patriot Mike Vrabel has taken a cue from Yao Ming and decided to retire. I was always a huge Vrabel fan; nothing was better than him decking a running back trying to hit a hole on one play, swatting a pass down on the next play, and catching a TD pass 4 or 5 plays after that. I was kind of pissed when the Pats traded him to the Chiefs for a pair of tackling dummies and a cheerleader, but, as usual, the Pats recognized declining skills before fans like me could, and Vrabel didn't do much in KC before hanging it up. Enjoy retirement, Mike.
And finally, on to your Red Sox, who enter the All Star break in first place, 1 game ahead of the Yankees, 20 games over .500, and with the best record in the American League. Remember when they sucked for like 2 weeks? That was fun. But now it's all kicking ass and taking names. After completely eviscerating the Orioles over 4 games this weekend, I hope Buck Showalter takes some time over the break to swallow some rat poison. Oh, and take that piece of shit Kevin Gregg with you. That whiney little bitch should wake up and thank his lucky stars every day that he doesn't have to bat against the Red Sox ever, because I guaran-fucking-tee you Josh Beckett would literally kill him with a fastball. But since he can't bat... welll... let's just say I'm not the type of guy who roots for Bryce Florie-type line drives to the face, but I'm willing to make an exception for Gregg. I really can't wait to play these shit-clowns again.
But for now, it's a deserved 4 days off for some of the banged up guys, although Beckett, Ellsbury, Ortiz, A-Gonz, and Youkilis will be off to the All Star Game. But first, the Home Run Derby is tonight, featuring the insufferable Chris Berman. Get your mute buttons ready.