Monday, July 11, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Image credit to The Sports Geeks

Good morning Hysterics! Sorry we've been on hiatus for a few weeks. The Bruins parade turned into the Bruins hangover, which turned into birthdays, Blogapaloozas, vacations, bachelor parties, and other random events, all of which involved copious amounts of alcohol. But rest assured, we're back, we're back, we're (mostly) detoxed, and we're ready for some Boston sports.

First, the Bruins, who have been relatively quiet in the free agent market, which is not all that surprising. After Michael Ryder jumped ship and signed with Dallas, the B's went out and signed Benoit Pouliot (pronounced ben-WAH POO-lee-fuckthefrench). And OH NO TOMAS KABERLE IS GONE! Now who will grow an ugly V For Vendetta-esque goatee and lead the league in completely useless shot-fakes on the power play? The B's quickly signed Joe Corvo, who will hopefully provide a little something more than Kaberle's "very little."


Now a piece of minor news: former Patriot Mike Vrabel has taken a cue from Yao Ming and decided to retire. I was always a huge Vrabel fan; nothing was better than him decking a running back trying to hit a hole on one play, swatting a pass down on the next play, and catching a TD pass 4 or 5 plays after that. I was kind of pissed when the Pats traded him to the Chiefs for a pair of tackling dummies and a cheerleader, but, as usual, the Pats recognized declining skills before fans like me could, and Vrabel didn't do much in KC before hanging it up. Enjoy retirement, Mike.


And finally, on to your Red Sox, who enter the All Star break in first place, 1 game ahead of the Yankees, 20 games over .500, and with the best record in the American League. Remember when they sucked for like 2 weeks? That was fun. But now it's all kicking ass and taking names. After completely eviscerating the Orioles over 4 games this weekend, I hope Buck Showalter takes some time over the break to swallow some rat poison. Oh, and take that piece of shit Kevin Gregg with you. That whiney little bitch should wake up and thank his lucky stars every day that he doesn't have to bat against the Red Sox ever, because I guaran-fucking-tee you Josh Beckett would literally kill him with a fastball. But since he can't bat... welll... let's just say I'm not the type of guy who roots for Bryce Florie-type line drives to the face, but I'm willing to make an exception for Gregg. I really can't wait to play these shit-clowns again.

But for now, it's a deserved 4 days off for some of the banged up guys, although Beckett, Ellsbury, Ortiz, A-Gonz, and Youkilis will be off to the All Star Game. But first, the Home Run Derby is tonight, featuring the insufferable Chris Berman. Get your mute buttons ready.

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