Monday, June 20, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Welcome back Hysterics,

Hope you all had a nice alcohol fueled Bruins weekend like I did. Let's travel down the merry world of BCHysteria and see how his weekend went....

My Friday was spent looking everywhere for a Bruins shirt for Saturday's parade. I know I know, I should have had a shirt before, but as documented here, the Bruins kind of lost me after their last lockout. I really wanted to find a Brad Marchand jersey, but no place had one, nor did they have any that weren't Mark Recchi (retiring) or Kaberle (most likely gone this offseason). So after freaking out when the mall started closing at 9pm, I found one of those center stands and bought one there. $20 for a nice generic Bruins shirt that I'm sure any die hard at the parade could spot was just bought.

Saturday morning was the parade, got up at 7am (couldn't sleep), and headed over to Malden to pick up the T. Only problem was the entire T station's parking lot was completely full. Luckily a businessman next store allowed me to park in his lot for $10. Not a bad deal at all, because the T lot was $5. We headed into the station, which was packed, but all the people were waiting to use the three machines that gave out Charlie Cards. Silly fools, I have my rechargeable card, didn't have to wait in any line and got onto a nearly empty T. Across from me on the T, was a guy, probably around 60, that proclaimed that he had been drinking since yesterday, and was embarrassed that he couldn't find a Bruins shirt, so he decided to wear a Blue Button up with pink flowers stuffed into the pocket. Look, the guy was loaded, who was I to argue?

I got off around Downtown Crossing and headed over to the parade, to my delight I found a spot almost immediately about three rows back. The only problem was there was a women maybe 25(?) who was absolutely wrecked right behind us blowing a horn non stop (remember its not even 9 yet, the parade starts at 11). The atmosphere there was great though, everyone was in a good mood, and other than some moderately hot girls that cut in front of me, nothing bad happened. Even the police were in good spirits. It was hot as hell out, but who cares, 11:00 came by... no Bruins... 11:30 no Bruins... 11:45... HERE THEY COME. OH MY GOD IT WAS AWESOME. Someone from the Suffolk Law building was shooting yellow confetti onto the street while blasting Zombie Nation and Dirty Water and here comes the Bruins!

Milan Lucic, Claude Julien, Nathan Horton, Andrew Ference. Saw them all. Gotta admit I was a little bummed I couldn't see Recchi, Thomas, Chara or Marchand...but the atmosphere was still awesome. Rene Rancourt's float stopped right in front of us, and he gave a bunch of us three fist thrusts. AWESOME. The chants of "We Got the Cup" rang for a solid ten minutes. Plus for the first time in my life, I was about five feet away from the Stanley Cup. It was surreal, I feel for our old friend Raquel, who I'm sure would have killed to have been there.

After the parade, we headed down Newbury St. to have some victory beers, and watched as the parade moved its way down a parallel street. We headed into Joe's Bar and had a few beers with some other Bruins fans who were all super friendly. It was a great time until....Lyndon Byers showed up. HOLY CRAP. What a perfect way to end the day, seeing a player I remember when I was Bruins fan as a little kid. He even had on the yellow hat. I wish I could tell you this wasn't the coolest thing that has happened in a long time, I really do. But it was. This is one of those days where it just rocks to be a Boston sports fan. The people that rank on us all the time, can sit there and cry all they want, but we can hold our heads up high. We have seen it all, and nothing beats being a Boston fan. Our teams are well run, and best of all fun teams to watch, and this weekend was a celebration for the Bruins. And I'm not even going to get into how awesome it was watching them at Fenway on Sunday (on TV I mean, not live)

And oh yeah, the Red Sox won 2 of 3 against the Brewers. But who cares about them right now? They'll be our lone distraction for the next 3 months. This is Bruins time.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Once Again, I'm Sure This Is Exactly How It Went Down


We have another classic Taiwanese animation for you! It was not all super happy fun smile time in Vancouver after the Hockey Cup for Stanley was losing in the Canadian country. You watch now!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Soak It All In


It didn't really hit me until I saw this photo. There. Are. No. Words.

Enjoy it, folks. Parade at 11 am on Saturday. Sadly, I won't be around for it, but I trust the Hysterics will keep me posted on Twitter and on here. Also, special shout to Stanley Cup of Chowder, Cornelius Hardenbergh, Raquel, and all the other Bruins fans who are way more die hard than I. You guys deserve it.

In the meantime, I know I could get up on a soapbox and tell you how terrible and horrible the riots in Vancouver are, and what jerks and sore losers they are, but screw that. Let's check out some humorous videos of the rioting from around the internets, shall we?

Believe In Boston


Wednesday, June 15, 2011



I haven't been able to post all day. Too pumped. To excited. I worked, trying to detract my attention from this. But now it's here. The time is now. Game Fucking Seven. Luongo is going to shit himself. Marchand is going to kill somebody. TIM FUCKING THOMAS is going to DESTROY EVERYBODY! LET'S FUCKING DO THIS BRUINS! BELIEVE. IN. BOSTON.

Editorial Interference:

Just saw this on The Bruins Blog and had to post it. Nathan Horton brought a bottle of water from Boston and sprayed it all over the Vancouver ice. I LOVE IT.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This Should Help You Get Through the Off Day


What a fantastic montage by the boys over at Toucher and Rich. I'm getting amped up just listening to it.

Stop Hitting Yourself

"I felt like it" - Brad Marchand

Breakfast with the Hysterics


What a great morning to wake up and breathe that Boston air. Ahhhhhhh, that just feels great! Who cares if it's rainy, cold and dreary out, the Bruins beat the pants off the Canucks again last night! How could last night have gone more perfect? The pre-game show was basically NBC sucking the collective asshole of the Canucks, blabbing about them winning, and how great they were. They had the champagne ready, the Canucks were trying to sell the rights to the parade. But as soon as Rene Rancourt came out and sang a three fist pump version of the Star Spangled Banner, all decked up in his gold suit and matching bow tie, Bruins fans knew today wasn't going to be the day for Vancouver.

The Canucks came out strong, and at first I was like "Oh shit this game is going to end up going poorly", as they barraged Tim Thomas with a volley of shots, which of course he saved. Then around the fourteen minute mark, something clicked. And the Bruins unleashed hell on that slimy piece of crap Roberto Luongo. First Brad Marshmont scored, then thirty five seconds later Lucic knocked one an easy one in, then Ferrence, then Ryder. Within a span of four minutes the Bruins had knocked Luongo out of the game, and all but guaranteed a Game 7. Luongo has to be the biggest head case in the NHL, is there anyone else out there that unravels as quickly as he does? He came in and saw 8 shots, and only stopped 5 of them. Good job pal, now go back to making stupid backhanded comments about Timmy Thomas, that seems to be the only thing you are any good at.

Was there anything better than surfing over to and looking at their live camera in Vancouver? It was like looking at thousands of people watching their dog being hit by a car, over and over again. Oh and if you headed to Twitter, the Boston haters were out in full force last night. I love them, I truly do, because it must be really difficult rooting for teams that are only in contention once a decade. I understand why you hate us, if all our teams were run by incompetent boobs, and filled with fans that never show up to the games, I'd hate Boston too. Jealousy is a bitch isn't it? But back to the game. The Bruins pretty much cruised on autopilot for the remainder of the game, with Tim Thomas doing the brunt of the work.

And can we talk about Tim Thomas now? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he is awesome. I got a text message from our old friend GHABB,Y~! last night that read as follows: "Legit, is Tim Thomas putting in the best performance by a Boston-New England athlete in a championship game/series of our lifetime? Brady, Manny, Pierce, dare I say Bird were not this dominant."

So I ask you this, Boston fans: We have had some great moments, and great performers this past twenty-thirty years, but is Tim Thomas' Stanley Cup performance the best we have seen in a championship series?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Lebron James: The No-Ring King


So if you haven't been able to tell, we here at Mass Hysteria are not huge fans of Lebron James. In fact, I would go as far as to say I hate him more than any other athlete on the planet. I love watching him fail, because he thinks he is entitled to win. I love watching him choke, because he thinks all he has to do is show up and he'll perform. And I love watching him whine, because after all of his arrogance and swagger and self-promotion, he knows that the only person he has to blame is himself. I've said it before and I'll say it again: not only do I dislike the player, I dislike the man, and I TRULY believe he is, deep down, a terrible person. Onward!

Most of the general public's disdain for James started with "The Decision", when it became apparent that Lebron thought he was so far and away above any other athlete on the planet that he needed to have his own hour-long special to announce where he would be "taking his talents". Again, his words. In the process, he proceeded to shit all over the city of Cleveland and their fans, and also break a ton of promises he made to them. What a guy. Then we moved on to the pre-season celebration with James, Wade, and Bosh. PRE-SEASON CELEBRATION. The fireworks, the dancing, the partying. Before they played a game together. I know this stuff has been beaten to death, but it shouldn't be forgotten. Then there's the "Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six..." quote from James as to how many Championships they would win. All we have to do is show up, guys! Don't worry about it! Nothing makes me happier than seeing a person lose who thinks they are so entitled to win anything and everything. And I'm not saying Lebron doesn't work hard - the guy is a physical freak and he's in tremendous shape. But clearly, with his 4th quarter performances (insert whatever lame Twitter joke is going around here), there is still a lot he needs to improve. As Dan Gilbert said: "Old Lesson for all: There are NO SHORTCUTS. NONE."

So how did Lebron respond after the game? Well in his post-game presser he said this:

"All the people that was rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today," James said. "They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that."

So I guess that's directed towards people like me. Cool. Except I don't really have any personal problems; seems like you have your fair share for the both of us. Oh also, I woke up this morning and had as many NBA Championships as you, too. So there's that. Then on Twitter, he said:

"The Greater Man upstairs know [sic] when it's my time. Right now isn't the time."

You heard it here first, folks. God hates the Heat too.

Yeah, I know James is only 26 and yeah he's probably going to win a Championship before he retires, but man, it seems like he has a lot of growing up to do, huh? Until then, enjoy your money and your cars are your lifestyle - and enjoy your current label as a perennial choker. I can't wait until next season.

And now, for some folks who can say it much better than I:

Mavs had best player, better finishers, better team (Gregg Doyel -

LeBron James' Marketing Might Never Recover (Darren Rovell -

A season without acquittal for LeBron (Brian Windhorst - ESPN)

A Boring Conundrum: LeBron's Exquisite Corpse (Jay Caspian Kang -

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Message to Vancouver


Dear fans, coaches and players of Vancouver.

I bet you all happy that your Canucks are back in their friendly confines of the Rogers Arena after getting your ass absolutely handed to you in Boston. Talk trash all you want, cry, say that Tim Thomas is lucky, but we all saw what goalie got yanked in Game 4. The more you cry and whine, the more you show what you truly are, scared and desperate. Look, you won Game 1 on a stupid bonehead play, and Game 2 on a fluke, and after that it has all been downhill for ya'll. You have been defeated physically and emotionally, and in the process you have turned the entire hockey community against you for the Canucks cheap dirty play. No matter what Jonah Keri says, the world hates you. I guess that's what happens when you send Nathan Horton to the hospital on a dirty play, and play hockey like a bunch of sissies when the Bruins call you on your shit. But no worries, you only have to sit through two more games, and then you can spend the rest of the summer nursing your wounds, and you can clog up your godforsaken Canadian radio stations with your whines.

It couldn't have gone worse for you, the symbol of your team the Green Men were sent back to Vancouver with their tails between their legs, accomplishing nothing but looking like complete tools on national TV. You honestly think things are going to change because it's back on your ice? Bitch please. I can not wait for the Bruins to go out there and continue punish you all tonight. I would like to see the human sieve Roberto Luongo let up 5 more goals, because we all know the Bruins are in that caveman's head. I'd love to see Shawn Thornton bury one of the Sedin Sisters into the boards. It would be FANTASTIC if Brad Marshmount threw in a few more goals. All of those would be nice, but all I care about is that Bruins leave Vancouver tonight with one more game to win. Just quit crying, you are acting like your team, full of bravado that isn't backed up at all.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Wait, there was a baseball game last night? Wait, what? After a three and a half hour rain delay, the Sox actually got to play the Yankees last night to finish off their three game series in the Bronx. Not that I had a clue, I was asleep long before that game started. But from what I read online, it was quite the game. The Sox were down 2-0 going into the 7th inning, and decided to turn on their "Turbo Super Awesome Hitting Mode" and mounted 7 runs on the Bombers to earn the sweep. The Yankees on the other continued their crying, bitching and complaining when CC Sabathia plunked David Ortiz in the leg. Again, do I need to reiterate that Jon Lester had no control over his cutter on Tuesday? Or are you going to cry because your rookie reliever got jacked up and Papi flipped a bat? Seriously, you're going to throw at Papi? Have you watched Robinson Cano after he hits a home run? He does THE EXACT SAME THING!. But I wasn't the only one that was pissed off. Let's play a little mad libs with Big Papi:

"I don't want to have you guys asking me the same questions. I got almost 370 bombs in the big leagues and everybody wants to make a big deal because I bat-flip one of them. (Expletive) that (expletive), man. If I have to make that video on my (expletive), let's see how many bat flips I got on this (expletive). Good night."

And who else does Papi blame for getting beaned? THE MEDIA!

"You waiting for me?" he said. "There will be no questions. Just Big Papi talking, and if you don't like it, you can get the [expletive] out of here.

"I just want to thank you guys -- not all of you, most of you -- for the stat today of me not getting hit by the Yankees. I finally got hit. Hope you [expletives] are happy. I'm done."

To be fair, Josh Beckett kind of started the whole thing by drilling Jeter and ARod in the first couple of innings. But who started what is irrelevant, the Red Sox won again, the Yankees were swept at home AGAIN, the Red Sox have a two game lead on NY, AND the Sox have won 9 of 10 against the Yankees. And to make matters worse for the sniveling little cry babies in the Bronx, Joba is done for the year and is scheduled to have Tommy John surgery. Oh how I love to watch their paper thin pitching depth fall to shit. You know who is keeping the Yankees from battling it out with the Jays for fourth place? Bartolo Colon. And honestly how much longer is going to be able t keep up with the pace he is at. The Yankees are cooked, folks. Goodbye.

Speaking of cooked, the Heat lost again. Lebron James disappeared in the fourth quarter and the Mavs are a win away from the title. Miami fans wonder why their team is so universally hated (OH WAH YOU GUYS ARE ALL HATERS, WAH WAH WAH), and yesterday James and Wade gave a perfect indisputable evidence by mocking Dirk Nowitzski's illness. Hey Lebron instead of making fun of your opponent, why don't you figure out how to stop blowing at the end of the game? And what a bright idea, piss off the other teams leader! Smart move boys, it's no wonder you are paid million of dollars to dribble a ball and shoot in it a net, and not to use your brain for anything.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Let's Bury This Team

Hey folks, sorry for the lack of updates today. Real life got in the way for a little while. Rest assured we are insanely pumped about the Bruins. And not to worry! I was still able to find the time to create a shoddy Photo Shop (MS Paint and Photo Shop are the same, right?) of what Canucks fans should be expecting within the next week or so:

Bring it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Good morning, friends. Is it me, or is there an awful lot of crying going on this morning? Let's recap the tears:

Wahh wahh, David Ortiz flipped his bat and Jon Lestruzaka hit a few guys with pitches, waah. Shut up. Lester was erratic, and even though he held down the victory, I find it hard to say that BCHysteria's reverse jinx from yesterday worked. Lester has been quite wild as of late, but his velocity is still there, so I'm thinking it's a mechanics issue and not an injury. The Sox need him to continue to be a front-line starter or they have their work cut out for them in the AL East this year. Still, a win over the Yankees and a virtual tie for first place is hard to complain about. BCHysteria is slated to have more on this game and the Yankee fan whining later today. Can't wait.

Wahh wahh, I'm a Miami Heat fan and the Heat lost and everyone hates us and fuck the haters! Are you kidding me? OK, first of all, if you're a Heat fan, you should at the very least UNDERSTAND why people hate them. I don't get all up in arms when people hate on Garnett or Papelbon or the Patriots because I get it. If they weren't on Boston teams I'd probably hate them too, and if I devoted all my time to calling out haters of Boston teams I'd have to quit my full-time job. People don't like the Celtics/Patriots/Bruins/Red Sox. People also don't like the Heat; it's part of being a sports fan. Whining and crying about hate gets you nowhere. And yes, I'm going to continue hating on the Heat. Why? Cuz I hate the Heat! Funny how that works. Memo to Miami Heat "fans" (all 6 of you): People don't like your team. They want them to lose. Get over yourselves.

And our last "Waah waah" installment comes from Bruins haters! Fuck the haters, why you gotta hate on us? People want us to lose, shut up the haters, Thomas is awesome, Chara is awesome! Why doesn't everyone love us?!?!?!

Ahem, sorry. Where was I? Ah yes, people are crying because Rome was suspended for 4 games... huh? Listen, I love big hits as much as the next guy, but the new NHL rules plus the severity of Horton's injury warranted this suspension. Plus, a message needs to be sent (yes, to both teams) that the taunting and the chippy play and the finger biting needs to stop. Yeah, I don't like it either, but that's what the league is going to do. I just fear that tonight we're going to see 800 penalties, most of them against the Bruins. I understand wanting to keep the game clean and all that, but don't go overboard here, please. Let them play. The emotions are running high in this series, and that's what makes it so compelling. I for one don't want to see that change.

Cheer up, everyone!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Mass Hysteria's Newest Reverse Jinx Target: Jon Lester


Here at Mass Hysteria, we constantly bash on athletes for poor performances, it's part of the landscape of this blog. But an interesting trend has arisen recently. This season every time Smarty or I make a negative comment about a player, they completely turn it around and play fantastic baseball. Some people we have ripped on recently that support this trend: Jonathan Papelbon, Carl Crawford, JD Drew, and Dustin Pedroia. We would like to continue this trend by trashing another struggling Red Sox player. Today's target of reverse jinx: Jon Lester

Jon Lester, what the hell are you doing? You were supposed to be the ace of the Red Sox staff and here you sit with an ERA of 5.40 over the past two weeks, and opponents have an OBA of .340. What the hell? Can the Sox move you back in the rotation, maybe have you miss tonight's start against the Yankees? Maybe start Tim Wakefield instead? I have a bad feeling about this game. Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that the Yankees are going to put up multiple innings of with multiple homeruns. Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter better not light him up! God Jon Lester, if you suck tonight I'm going to scream.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Hello and happy Tuesday, Hysterics. If you're anything like me, you didn't sleep last night. You were too jacked up. You wanted to throw on some Rage Against the Machine or some Motörhead and light some couches on fire. You wanted to gear up, head to a rink, and deck some people. FUCK, THAT WAS AWESOME! I haven't been that pumped since Varitek made A-Rod deep-throat his mitt (which ironically I mentioned yesterday). Seriously. 8 goals wasn't enough. I wanted 88. I wanted one of the Sedins to get drilled by Thornton and leave in a body bag. I wanted Burrows teeth knocked out and his jaw caved in, rendering him incapable of biting anything ever again. I wanted Luongo to announce his retirement after the 6th or 7th or 8th goal and just walk off the ice, shamed. I wanted the Green Men to take their soiled spandex back to Canada and go into seclusion until everyone forgets who they are. Every ounce of aggression in my body was awakened, thirsty for some utter destruction. Shit, I'm STILL pumped. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I was AT that game. I'd probably be in prison right now.

My utter hatred for this Canucks team cannot be put into words. It's beyond contempt. It's beyond Eat a Bag of Dicks. The thirst for a cup, the thirst for pain, the thirst for humiliating this team is at an all-time high. And yes, the Horton hit began the awakening. And it began the awakening for every single one of the Bruins and their fans. Enough of this shit. And fuck you to the NHL for letting this team get away with so much shit up until now - I hope they suspend Rome for the rest of this series. It's about time the league stepped up THEIR game too. I want the Bruins to hurt some dudes, don't get me wrong. But I want them to do it within the rules. There's physical hockey, then there's that bullshit. They're biting dudes, they're trying to scramble Bergeron's brain, and it needs to stop. Send a goddamn message.

All that said, it was still only one game. This is the rational, level-headed Smarty Barrett talking now. I thought I suppressed him and the hate-maim-kill Smarty rose to the top, but he's out. One game. The B's are still trailing 2-1 in this series, and as much as 8-1 feels fucking great, it means nothing if they don't come out with the same fire, the same intensity, and the same mindset tomorrow night. So let's just relax, take a breath here, and... fuck it. Let's kill them.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Welcome to Boston, Green Men!


Hi friends from up north!

I just love how you dressed up in your skin tight suits and play mind games with opponents of your beloved Vancouver Cancusk. And then lookie you are on TV, looking so devilish, probably with no clue you copied that idea from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Because in Canada it's all moose and curling, and no one there uses a television other than to watch hockey and reruns of old BBC comedies. You do realize that right? That Charlie Day created that for an American TV show, like 3 years ago. But it's ok, your Canadian, you aren't expected to come up with your own schtick on your own. Thinking is hard stuff!

I'd like to know which one of you gentlemen had the brilliant idea of coming to Boston to "intimidate Tim Thomas". You probably have never been to Boston before have you? Boston fans are known to be loving, warm hearted, welcome the opponents and their fans with open arms type of people. And they NEVER EVER drink too much and pummel the shit out of opposing fans from Canada. Please, go out on Causeway street at 6:45 dressed like that, I bet the locals will love you! Hell I have a better idea, if for some unlucky reason the Canucks win again, take your lime body suit out in front of the garden and scream "BRUINS SUCK" over and over again. Boston fans will get the joke, I promise!

But what am I telling you this for? You already know about our town and the laissez-faire hockey fans from our most knowledgeable sports personalities Dennis & Callahan. Believe me, they know hockey better than anyone else in this town. They talk about it 24/7 365! They probably told you how safe our mundane our fans are. Maybe, and this is a great idea, you could make a pro-Canuck sign that reads " Burrows owns Boston" and run around the concourse waving it around in your little body suit! I'm sure you will meet plenty of bearded Bruins fans that will just love to introduce you to the fine city of Boston. And when they are done showing you around, they will take you to Boston's most historic landmark, the Tobin Bridge where they will greet you off back on a magical journey back to your home town of Vancouver. Have fun and welcome to Boston!

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Good morning, all. Hope you had an enjoyable weekend despite the Bruins. As BCHysteria already pointed out, the B's have their backs against the wall, but those smelly Canadians step into our house tonight, and it's going to be a whole new ballgame. Or puck-game? Whatever. I like the Bruins chances at home, but they're still going to have to play better, score better, and whatever the hell they did that allowed them to score on the power play on Saturday, do that shit again. Please.

Also, Alex Burrows can eat a big fat dick, but I'm sure he'd bite down on it. There's an EABOD in your future coming if you score again, you piece of shit. Count on it.

In other non-Bruins news, the Red Sox swept the hapless A's this weekend, but it wasn't exactly without a flare for the dramatic. I was in attendance at the game on Saturday, and let me tell you, it was nuts. First of all, with the start time of the game changing, we were able to parlay our seats from standing room into 30-or-so rows behind home plate, which was awesome not only because siting behind home plate kicks ass, but because we had an excellent view of Papelbon's tantrum. It was hard to tell from my vantage point if some of the questionable calls were strikes, but after reviewing some pics (courtesy of the Providence Journal), I gotta say Pap was getting squeezed:

That's a strike, you dipshit.

I also loovveee that after all the ejection aftermath was over, people were like "I expect that kind of stuff from Papelbon, but not from Varitek." Really? Papelbon has never been ejected from a baseball game. Ever. In his life. Varitek punched a man in the face in a game 7 years ago. So, yeah. Not calling either of them out; I thought it was awesome that they both got run. But stop painting Paps as some sort of hot-head asshole. His emotions run high, but he, up until Saturday, has always kept things in check.

And yesterday John Lackey (JOHN LACKEY!!!!) helped the Sox finish off the sweep with a strong outing coming off the DL. Oh, and J.D. Drew got the walk-off hit on Saturday! We foul-mouthed bloggers are running out of people to call out here (not like anyone would even bat an eye if we called out the universally [and insubstantially] hated J.D. Drew)! So I gotta throw it to you, Hysterics and Sox fans alike: Who on this team is not performing to your expectations at this point? Since whomever we throw under the bus seems to turn it around, who should be our next target? A simple blog post should fix 'em.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

ESPN Misses the Point Volume 6,210


ESPN, do you really think critics were saying "Gosh you know who needs to step up? Alex Burrows." They were saying "ALEX BURROWS SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING IN THIS GAME BECAUSE HE BIT PATRICE BERGERON!!!". Bruins fans are pissed off because it was pretty clear that Burrows maliciously bit Bergeron, and wasn't punished, and then "Voila!" - he wins the game for the 'Nucks. I swear that tWWL is aversive to bringing up controversy, and would rather paint everything with a nice white paint brush. Which isn't a surprise, we have all seen how they have covered Lebron James, Ray Lewis, Brett Favre, Sidney Crosby, Mike Vick, Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez, and a whole other slew of other athletes that 90% of the world can't stand (yes I get it, I left off a bunch of Boston athletes. This is a Boston blog - deal with it). He cheated, was caught on camera, and got away with it, can this fraud of a website stop ignoring that and freaking comment on it?

There isn't a single column on that echoes Mike Millbury's argument that Burrows shouldn't be playing. This isn't such novel idea is it? Shouldn't ESPN be showing both sides of the coin? Guess not, they are just going to stick with the ALEX BURROWS IS THE GREATEST WHAT A PLAYER!!!! angle. You guys suck.

And the title of articles like "Burrow gets last laugh" and "Bruins in denial" makes me homicidal. Can someone tell me why I go to their website anymore?

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Intensity....on your ass....and all for charity


If you haven't caught it yet, Youkilis, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford created shirts for charity. Now, normally I wouldn't mock acts of charity but these shirt designs are just so, um, unique? The front of the shirt looks like any standard Sox jersey, with just a splash of patriotism. But turn it over and...BAM. Who wouldn't want to walk around with a picture of Kevin Youkilis covering their ass? Or maybe you aren't a fan of how Carl Crawford has been playing and you prefer sitting on his face everytime you go to Fenway. Then this shirt is for you! This shirt design is what happens when you allow a professional baseball player to do something other than throw a baseball or swing a bat.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Happy Stanleys Cup Finars from Taiwan


I just found this video in the Mass Hysteria inbox, and well I had to share it with you all immediately. This video has it all, terrible stiff animation, absolutely no insight into American/Canadian culture, and weird weird Asian jokes. There is an English version as well, but I having the terrible translations on the bottom works so much better. Please watch this. Please....for me?

New Poll: Will Daisuke Stay in MLB or Return to Japan?

In light of BCHysteria's recent post on Dice-K, we must ask:

When his time with the Red Sox is up, will Daisuke Matsuzaka return to Japan?

Some Thoughts on Dice-K


Everyone by now has heard the news, Dice K is off to the land of Dr. Yocum where he will have the magical Tommy John surgery that could effectively end his time with the Red Sox. For many, myself included this seemed like welcome news. Without a doubt the Dice-K years have been some of the most frustrating, irritating years of my Red Sox life. Here is a guy who came in after a huge transfer fee, and was expected to become our Asian Pedro Martinez. The Red Sox were desperate for a front of the line starter, and after watching Dice tear up in the World Baseball Classic, he seemed like a slam dunk. And he had the mysterious gyroball, a pitch no one in the majors had ever thrown before. How mysterious! And America waited to see if his wife's chest lived up to her nickname "Rockets". They didn't. He came here with a translator, and at first he seemed like he struggled with the bright spot light Boston sports reporters shined on him as he tried to adjust to American culture. Yet on the field his first two seasons here seemed like a dream, he won 15 and 18 games respectively, but his other stats predicted a downward turn. And oh god did that happen. Since he won 18 games in 2006, he has won 16 in the three seasons since. If you look back to the '08 season it was pretty clear that Dice K was the luckiest pitcher in the history of baseball. Every game he seemed to be working out of bases loaded jams, something he hasn't been able to do since.

Every year it has been the same story. Red Sox fans watch Dice and think to themselves "JESUS THAT GUY HAS THE STUFF TO GET EVERYONE OUT, STOP NIT PICKING THE CORNERS AND JUST GO AFTER THE DAMN GUY", but he never would. How many games did he have like 120 pitches by the middle of the 5th inning? Full counts to everyone! And his situation just continued to get worse. Instead of translating his style more to the American way, Dice K's 2010 and '11 seasons were nothing short of a disaster. Injuries basically derailed almost all of 2010. He showed up to Spring Training this year looking out of shape, and came out of the gates pitching like Hideki Irabu. Rumors swirled that Tito was getting fed up of his difficult personality and stubbornness. Fans booed him off the Fenway mound on more than one occasion, which he rightfully deserved, because he was pitching horribly. And just to tease the fans more, he would throw in two starts where he looked absolutely unhittable.

A gigantic waste of money, Dice K leaves the Sox with a hole in their rotation that might be difficult to fill. No matter what Sox fans say, Tim Wakefield is not going to be the answer. He is even more inconsistent than Dice, and his proneness to injuries will happen again soon. Mark my word, Wakefield has another 1-2 month DL stint in his future.. Aceves? Maybe, he has shown flashes of being a solid back end starter, but his last start scared the crap out of me. Andrew Miller? God no, pitchers who can't find the strike zone have no business being in the Majors. What will the Sox do? Whatever it is, Dice K isn't going to be the answer, or our problem anymore.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Good morning, Hysterics. Slow night in Boston sports last night, with both the Sox and Bruins getting much-needed days off. So I don't know about you, but I decided to just relax and take a break from sports. However, right before I was about to turn in, I flicked on the NBA Finals, and I immediately got hooked in. I told myself I wasn't going to watch any more of the NBA Playoffs after the C's lost, and after it became pretty apparent that the Heat were going to win it all, but my hatred for Lebron, Wade, Bosh, Spoelstra, and the rest of the Heat knows no bounds.

I joined the game around the start of the 4th quarter, the Heat were up by about 4, but they quickly started to just flat-out dominate. Dallas was taking stupid shots, turning it over like crazy, and Wade and Co. were having their way with the Mavs, Mark Chmura style. It was 88-73 with 7:15 remaining, and honestly, I don't know why I didn't just turn it off right then. Maybe I was rooting for Lebron to blow out his knee, or Bosh to try and break the Finals record for screams/points ratio, but I stuck around. Then, all of a sudden, the Mavs cut it to 9. Then 7. Then it was a 2-point game, Wade shit his pants during a timeout, and we had some damn good basketball on our hands. And I think you've heard by now what happened after that. Lebron stood and watched Dirk drain a three, then Ze German rolled in a layup with 3 seconds left and it was over. The Heat we knew all too well for the first 30 or so games of the season was back. The once inevitable had become... maybe not so much.

I'm not saying the Mavs will win this series, but after a game like that, the Heat might be broken a little. I'm sure Lebron went out and spent $50 grand at the club and partied last night, but it's got to be weighing on his mind that they had that game, blew it, and hey, he still doesn't have a ring! Now the series shifts to Dallas for THREE games, and the Mavs have all the momentum in the world. Nothing would make me happier than Lebron being deprived his first Championship AGAIN, and if he does, I can't WAIT to see how he reacts. Hey, he can't make an appointment with Kevorkian anymore, now can he? I know, I know, it's one game and the Heat are probably still a better team. But I just love seeing this fucking fraud choke on his own ego, even if it's just a one-game deal like this. I truly believe he's a fucking terrible person, and because he thinks he's entitled to some sort of automatic success, I love seeing his ass fail. Also, fuck Chris Bosh.

Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Oof, good morning folks, hope you made it throw the night. Mornings like this make doing the nightly recap that much harder, but it has to be done. That's how much we love you, The Hysterics.

Let's start with the Bruins, I guess. Game 1 happened last night, and as much as I'd love to forget it, we lost. With 18.5 seconds left, on a stupid Johnny Boychuk turnover. How many times have we said that this post season? Lost a game because of a Johnny Boychuk turnover. Gah, it was such a promising game too, because Tim Thomas looked invincible in the net, stopping anything and everything aimed his way. Also we actually had a power play that looked productive, with good puck movement, and good looks, but god damn Roberto Luongo stopped everything. I think the real positive that came out of this game is that the Bruins are not going to be over matched by the Canucks. Before this series I was worried that this would be their toughest challenge, but after last night I'm not so sure. Tampa seemed faster, and I think the Lightning offense gave the B's bigger problems than the Canucks ever will. On a side note, and this isn't a "they screwed our team over", but screw the refs. Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals was fantastic hockey because the refs swallowed their whistles and let both teams play, yesterday was like the complete opposite. They called penalties on both teams for the smallest infractions, and then other penalties weren't called like oh I don't know Chris Kelly getting punched in the face after the whistle RIGHT IN FRONT OF A REF. Oh well, the Bruins still looked good, it's game like this you just to just grab your balls and move on, and I have a good feeling for Saturday's game.

If the Bruins didn't get you down, then the TORNADO should have. Living in Boston, I felt like I have always been safe from a few things; earthquakes, tsunamis and tornadoes. Yesterday shattered my illusion, and scared the ever-loving shit of me. As I watched the tornado touchdown in Springfield, I was like, "Shit, what the hell do I do if this hits my town?". Um, I don't have a basement. It was a scary experience, and all jokes aside, thoughts go out to the people in Western and Central Mass.

Finally, the Red Sox got swept by Ozzie Guillen's crazy band of merry men. Six innings and 4 runs of ball out of Tim Wakefield, typical and expected. Rich Hill went down with what looks like a devastating elbow injury, which is fantastic because he hadn't let up a run in 12 innings. Also on Twitter I am hearing mumblings that Dice K is going to need Tommy John surgery, which sucks, but also doesn't suck because that means I won't have to watch him pitch again this year. But that raises the question if he is out, do the Sox go with 6.00 Wakefield, or hope that last outing by Aceves was a fluke? Or do they make a move and trade for another pitcher? Hysterics, if Dice K is out what would you do other than celebrate? Leave it in the comments.

I need an advil or 10...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

It's Game Day, Boys and Girls

Picture courtesy of our friends over at Days of Y'Orr.

Here we are. The Stanley Cup Finals. For the first time since 1992, when I was nine years old. Back then I couldn't have told you the names of 3 NHL players, let alone 3 Bruins - I was far too busy with my Red Sox sticker books and NKOTB novelty-sized buttons. (Come on, you know you had them too.) So needless to say, we've come a long way since then.

This is what we as fans have been waiting for, whether it's 19 years or 28 years or 39 years. And anyone who tells you this isn't going to be the biggest challenge the Bruins have faced in the playoffs so far is either stupid or lying. The Canucks were arguably the best team in the NHL this year. They play well at home. They have a high-powered offense, a stingy defense, and maybe the second best goalie in the league behind Thomas. Their goal differential this season was insane. The Bruins are going to have to play some of their best hockey of the season in this series if they're going to win it all and bring a Cup back to the Garden.

But I truly think they're capable of doing so. Luongo is good, but he's not unbeatable. The Sedin twins are fast, but they're not unstoppable. Salo is tough, but he's not unbreakable. Tim Thomas is probably going to have a game or two like he did in Game 7 of the Conference Finals. Seguin is probably going to have to turn in another gem of a game. Kaberle is going to have to... fuck it - he's a lost cause. But if the B's keep going at it like they have been this entire playoffs, I really really like their chances. Fuck the national predictions, fuck the stats (you rarely hear me say that), and fuck Canada. It's game day, and the time is now. Our time. Boston's time.