Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What You Need To Know About Vancouver


Now that Boston has disposed of Tampa, the toilet of America, it's time to move on to Canada. The Bruins already took care of the Frenchies, and Toronto's hockey team is still giving them all of their #1 draft picks for Phil Kessel, so now we turn to Vancouver, the dingleberry of Canada. If you Google Vancouver, the first thing you may see is how livable the county/district/province/whateverthefucktheycallit is. But don't be fooled, the reason the area is so "beautiful" and "nice" is due to the fact that when Los Angeles eventually is earthquaked away from the rest of California it will float all the way up to Vancouver and merge to form the 8th ring of hell. Sure, move to the pristine island now for the great real estate, while it's cheap and expensive, just be prepared for the Vice Lords and Crip shootouts in your backyard in 2013.


Like baseball? Well tough shit, Vancouver doesn't have that. Basketball? Nope, their attendance was so lousy the team uprooted itself and moved to Memphis! Yes, MEMPHIS. But if desire sports and you want to move to Vancouver no worries, they still have the Police and Firemen's games which I'm sure involves Mounties galloping around on their steeds playing squash or whatever the hell it is they do on horses. Not interested in that? Well how about Ultimate Frisbee? According to the Wikipedia page, "Vancouver is a centre for the fast-growing sport". You know who plays Ultimate Frisbee? Hippies. Which I'm sure Vancouver is overflowing with. So go ahead move to a place that MSN calls a "great place to live", just be prepared to never sleep as the white dude with dreadlocks blasts Bob Marley for the 56th song in a row as they throw the "friz" around on every piece of green grass on that god forsaken island. Hey man is there a Taco Bell around here?


The summers are warm, the winters are cool, there are mountains to ski on, and oceans to swim in on the lovely island of Vancouver. Plus there is a batshit insane Korean dictator only across the ocean from you! So when Kim Jong Il decides to try something looney against a western country, it could happen in your own back yard! How awesome! Make sure you bring your gas mask and build a good bomb shelter! So there you have it, LA gangbangers, Ultimate Frisbee hippies and insane tiny dictators all in the comfort of your own Vancouver home. Add that on to the inevitable fact that you will get to live with a bunch of whiny hockey fans that will be bitching about how their team lost to the Bruins in 6 in two weeks. And hockey is about the only thing Canada has going for them, so they will have to stew on that for about 9 more months. Which for me is fine, because I would never move to that dump of a country, I was born and raised in the U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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