Friday, May 6, 2011

An Open Letter to the City of Philadelphia

After a romantic night on the town


Dear Philadelphia,

It's over. In your minds I'm sure all of you are thinking right now "OH BUT BCHYSTERIA, DAH FLYERS CAME BACK FROM 3 DOWN TO BEAT DAH BREWINS LAST YEAR." Well that's nice asshat, but it's not happening again. You see my simpleton septic dump of a city to the west, what happened in 2010 happens once in a lifetime, and I can guaran-fucking-tee it isn't happening again this year. Not with the way your sieve of a goalie is playing, and with the tenacity and precision the Bruins are playing. Maybe the Bruins will let you guys stay in the game a little bit just to break your black hearts one last time. But probably not, they will most definitely blow you out, yet I don't even feel bad for you, because this couldn't happen to a more deserving city.

One of your most iconic musicians plays at Boston's shitty fair every year to hundreds of screaming elderly women.

Philadelphia, you may be one of the oldest cities in the United States, but in the span of over 300 years you have given the US 4 good things. The Declaration of Independence, cheese steaks, the first two seasons of It's Always Sunny, and Mark Herzlich. That's it, and you have to take away at last two of the accomplishments because Will Smith was born in Philadelphia and I can never unsee "Hitch" or "Hancock". And your sports tradition is a joke. You have a recent World Series, some Flyers Stanley Cups from the 70s and a few highlights from Dr. J, wahoo go pat yourself on the back and drink a Yuengling. I know what you may be saying too "Oh but Boston fans are the most insufferable", but guess what? We gained that reputation because all our sports teams do is win, and our fans are assholes about it. Philadelphia is pitied by the rest of the world because the Eagles blow and will never win as long as Andy Reid is coaching, the 76ers suck, and the Flyers choke on a yearly basis. Go ahead, bring up last year, last time I checked the Bruins won 5 Stanley Cups to the Flyers 2. Choke on that one Danny Briere.

So to the city I wouldn't be caught dead in, I have this to say again. ITS OVER. Tonight, the Bruins will put an end to your sniveling existence. You will all be free to go back to rooting for your dog killing sociopathic quarterback and booing Santa Claus. The fact that so many of you embraced Michael Vick is enough for me to hate your entire city. I hope Zdeno Chara takes out a Ryan Howard jersey and wipes his ass with it and hands it to Peter Laviolette after the game. But whatever happens tonight, nothing is going to give me more joy than to see thousands of Flyers fans boo hooing and crying all over their XXXXL mustard stained Chris Pronger jerseys. Tonight is going to oh so sweet. Finish them.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny that you fail to mention the Red Sux, who've won it all twice in the last 90+ years. What is there to be proud of there, being the Yankees bitch? Oh, and Mark Herzlich? How did that tool make out on draft day? Backup College blows in case you hadn't noticed. It is the shitbag of the ACC and a commuter school filled with assholes from New Jersey.

BCHysteria said...

Awww poor baby is whining, I feel for you too. At least Philly has a D1 college football program to lean back on. Oh you don't? That sucks, well at least Nova is dominating against Delaware and whatever the fuck other school is in that sewer of a conference. Maybe if the Big Least is desperate they will give you a pity fuck and let you in in ten years,

Anonymous said...

Why am I not surprised that someone from that provincial little town filled with arrogant pricks with bad accents wouldn't know that Villanova and Temple are both D1 teams? Both suck, just like Backup College (who play in a Sears build-it-yoursef aluminum stadium) and whose entire highlight reel consists of a Flutie pass and a Gordon kick from years ago! Hell, nobody in Boston gives a fuck about anything but the last place Red Sux, so I wouldn't try to suggest that D1 football is alive and well in Boston. Don't worry about Herzlich, he won't play in the NFL, but he has the resume to be a candy striper at Dana Farber!!! Enjoy watching Tampa kick the Bruins asses.

BCHysteria said...

DIAA doesn't count, you might as well call it D2. And why do you keep on ripping on Mark Herzlich. HES FROM PHILADELPHIA. You mention that there are no other highlights from BC, which reminds me that I forgot about another son of Philadelphia, Matt Ryan. But he went to BC too, so maybe you can rip on him as well.

Anonymous said...

Uh, I am not from Philly or a Phily fan, just a Boston hater. I've lived in both cities and much preferred the larger, friendlier and more diverse Philladelphia. You call it a sewer and somehow imply that Boston is Shangri La. No it isn't... it is a town filled with self important douchebags with bad accents. You admit that Boston fans are "insufferable" because they win so much. Really? The Bruins haven't won in 40 years and likely won't this year. The Celtics have won once in 25 years and are having the shit kicked out of them by Miami. Red Sux nation thinks baseball began in 2004. Hey last place Boston, 2 for 92 STILL sucks! How many times in recent memory have the Pats choked in the post season? Don't even mention the ND wannabe in Chestnut Hill as that place is a joke. Eat my ass you chowder swilling, racist drunks!

BCHysteria said...

Alright Mr. Anonymous, I'm done arguing with you via the comment section. If you want to continue hit me up on twitter @bchysteria.