Monday, May 2, 2011

Mass Hysteria Enters the World of Investigative Reporting

As we all know, last night President Obama announced that Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed by US Military forces. But when I went to bed late last night, that's pretty much all I knew. However, with new details emerging this morning, we're finding out more and more about how this all went down. But if you head over to CNN or the New York Times, you won't get the full story, because I am about to pass on EXCLUSIVE details that the media won't tell you about. Here are some facts they DON'T want you to know:

*Bin Laden was killed when Zdeno Chara checked him face-first into a stanchion.

*To get to Bin Laden, Bobby Jenks had to walk three other terrorists first.

*The US increased their efforts to take down Bin Laden after they heard he was the latest to pass on Mark Herzlich.

*The US actually had an open shot to take out Bin Laden weeks ago, but Ed Malloy ejected the gunman before he could get a shot off.

*The US was able to gain easy access to Bin Laden's palace when they got word that Brain Boucher was protecting it.

*Boston Dirt Dogs has recently dubbed the US Military crew that took down Bin Laden as "The Best Team Never".

*After Bin Laden had been dead for 10 minutes, Dwayne Wade stood over his body and taunted him like a big man.

*Upon learning of Bin Laden's death, someone high-fived PK Subban and he fell down.

*Alge Crumpler was going to help carry Bin Laden's body out of Pakistan but he kept dropping it.

*It took the US 29 tries to kill Bin Laden before succeeding. Jason Varitek is impressed with that average.

*Bin Laden's death came after his recent marriage to Brandon Marshall's wife.

Feel free to put yours in the comments, or tweet them at me (@SmartyBarrett) and I'll add them to this post.


*Bin Laden is on the Patriots injury report this week. He has a head injury and he is listed as questionable. (Anonymous)

1 comment:

ballamiguel said...

At the time of death...Bin Laden still had more functioning brain cells than John Lackey.