Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Mike "Cowhead" Calta

It's true, Hysterics. At long last, one of our (and hopefully your) favorite features is back. I know GHABB,Y~! usually spearheads these, but this is too good for me to pass up.

As you all may have heard, the Bruins posted some pretty mild trash-talking signs at the Garden, taking shots at Tampa Bay Lightning fans. Here's one of them:

Again, clever, pretty mild, and all in good fun. Well apparently asshats like this Cowhead guy took offense. So, Mr. Cowhead, allow me to speak to you directly if I may.


First of all, what the fuck kind of nickname is Cowhead? My only guess is either your mom did some beastiality movies when she was a teen that she's not too proud of and you decided to name yourself after your dad, or you enjoy the occasional blowjob from cattle. Either way, what a shitty nickname for a shock jock. While you're cranking out fart noises and Lewinsky jokes, try not to choke on a sack of cocks. It'd make you awfully hard to understand.

Second, what the fuck is with your look? By looking at this picture, I can only assume you're the type of guy who jerks off to the liner notes of the latest Nickelback CD while munching on a giant bag of dicks. Just a guess, but I'm thinking you've been to your fair share of ICP concerts, which also probably means you beat your wife. Everyone knows Juggalos have an endless supply of bags of dicks, and I'm betting you've helped yourself to more than your fair share. Fucking bags of dicks, how do they work? I have to believe you spend multiple nights a week working on the answer.

But now the real reason for my post: You got your little panties in a bunch over the silly signs and cried and cried about it until the nice folks at the TD Garden took them down. My guess is you used the frowny face emoticon more than once in your emails to all the 80-year old Tampa residents trying to organize your lame-ass campaign to get the signs removed. Dry your tears with a bag of dicks, you whiny little bitch.

But if that wasn't enough, you start thumping your chest (presumably with a bag of dicks) like a big man, implying that you accomplished something big. Oh wow, hey, good for you! Maybe someone will give you a cookie for a reward, and you can mow on it along with your bathtub full of cocks in celebration. If this was the end, I probably wouldn't give a shit. Losers like you need something to feel good about, and if this is your thing, then hey, congrats. We all need goals in life, no matter how small or asinine or pointless. But then you started running your dick-filled mouth, saying you and your "posse" (I assume that's a word douches like you use) were like Seal Team 6. What the fuck planet are you on? Then you and your Twitter ass buddies start talking shots at the city of Boston, the Bruins, and their fans. So yeah, I had to jump in and put you and your Santa-Claus-sized sack of dicks in their place, because you really are a bottom-feeding piece of shit that probably deserves to get trampled by a herd of bulls.

"Holy shit you people are retards." "The best part about twitter is that I don't have to actually hear your retarded boston fucking accents!" HYUK HYUK HYUK! YOU MADE A FUNNY! Look, I don't know what passes for comedy in the retirement homes and Klan-filled areas of Tampa, but that's the kind of shit I heard in elementary school from some kid who was about to get his faced bashed in. I know it's hard to tweet with a dick in your hand, but try to make jokes at higher than a 3rd grade level. That is, if your IQ allows you to.

And now your latest deal is An Open Letter to Boston, which besides the grammar and syntax fails (I IZ A MEMBR OF THE MEDIAS!) reeks of lies, and dick breath. The first paragraph is basically you shedding more tears about WAAH, YOU WERE MEAN TO ME! I bet you were the kind of pussy who tattled a lot in grade school. "Mrs. DumbShitRedneck, Bobby made fun of my bag of dicks!" Whining about some silly signs then taking to Twitter, WHAT A BIG MAN YOU ARE! It's amazing you're strong enough to lug a bag of dicks around with you everywhere you go, because you seem to be pretty soft otherwise. Then you're second paragraph is a HUGE disclaimer about how you DIDN'T whine - well, it's pretty clear that's a fucking lie. You also said "I did not blog!". I know it says that because it says this on the blog you wrote. WOW. You and your giant bag of cocks are regressing intelligence-wise.

Now this 4th paragraph has to be seen to be believed. Here it is:

You can curse me out on twitter, you can photo shop me all day long...but I laugh at you. I laugh at your accent, your Red Sox, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block, Michael Dukakis, and everything else you are famous for.

Wow, way to name a ton of things Boston is decidedly NOT famous for. Well, besides the Red Sox...which is THE DUMBEST thing you could possibly mention, because you're IN TAMPA! THE RAYS HAVEN'T WON SHIT...EVER! Clearly you must have been distracted by the giant bag of dongs in your lap, you dumbass. Let's try shit we're REALLY famous for: The American Revolution, The Boston Tea Party, Harvard and various other higher education institutes, several advanced medical facilities, The Boston Marathon, Paul Revere, The Kennedys, Boston Common, Beacon Hill, Newbury Street, and the Prudential Center. Doesn't sound so bad, does it, cockface?

Now a quick little Wikipedia search of your beloved city tells me that 13.5% of the homes in Tampa are vacant, which means either all your old retirees that come there to die are dying, or no one wants to fucking live there. I'm guessing it's a little of both. I also found out that the early settlers of Tampa used to eat dogs! Fucking awesome! But in present day, it seems the shitty radio hosts have graduated from dogs, and moved on to bags of dicks.

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