Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What You Need To Know About Vancouver


Now that Boston has disposed of Tampa, the toilet of America, it's time to move on to Canada. The Bruins already took care of the Frenchies, and Toronto's hockey team is still giving them all of their #1 draft picks for Phil Kessel, so now we turn to Vancouver, the dingleberry of Canada. If you Google Vancouver, the first thing you may see is how livable the county/district/province/whateverthefucktheycallit is. But don't be fooled, the reason the area is so "beautiful" and "nice" is due to the fact that when Los Angeles eventually is earthquaked away from the rest of California it will float all the way up to Vancouver and merge to form the 8th ring of hell. Sure, move to the pristine island now for the great real estate, while it's cheap and expensive, just be prepared for the Vice Lords and Crip shootouts in your backyard in 2013.

Like baseball? Well tough shit, Vancouver doesn't have that. Basketball? Nope, their attendance was so lousy the team uprooted itself and moved to Memphis! Yes, MEMPHIS. But if desire sports and you want to move to Vancouver no worries, they still have the Police and Firemen's games which I'm sure involves Mounties galloping around on their steeds playing squash or whatever the hell it is they do on horses. Not interested in that? Well how about Ultimate Frisbee? According to the Wikipedia page, "Vancouver is a centre for the fast-growing sport". You know who plays Ultimate Frisbee? Hippies. Which I'm sure Vancouver is overflowing with. So go ahead move to a place that MSN calls a "great place to live", just be prepared to never sleep as the white dude with dreadlocks blasts Bob Marley for the 56th song in a row as they throw the "friz" around on every piece of green grass on that god forsaken island. Hey man is there a Taco Bell around here?

The summers are warm, the winters are cool, there are mountains to ski on, and oceans to swim in on the lovely island of Vancouver. Plus there is a batshit insane Korean dictator only across the ocean from you! So when Kim Jong Il decides to try something looney against a western country, it could happen in your own back yard! How awesome! Make sure you bring your gas mask and build a good bomb shelter! So there you have it, LA gangbangers, Ultimate Frisbee hippies and insane tiny dictators all in the comfort of your own Vancouver home. Add that on to the inevitable fact that you will get to live with a bunch of whiny hockey fans that will be bitching about how their team lost to the Bruins in 6 in two weeks. And hockey is about the only thing Canada has going for them, so they will have to stew on that for about 9 more months. Which for me is fine, because I would never move to that dump of a country, I was born and raised in the U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Good morning all, hope everyone enjoyed the awesome weekend that was. Sorry we were out of commission for the entire ordeal, but let me be the 4,289,467th person to say: THE BRUINS ARE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING STANLEY CUP FINALS! Sadly, myself and BCHysteria were traveling at the time, so we relied on our Twitter following to keep us posted on the Bruins goings on, and let me just say on behalf of the blog: thank you, Hysterics. It was fucking painful to not be able to watch the game somewhere, shoving beers in our faces and high-fiving randoms, but I was still on the edge of my seat as I frantically refreshed Twitter and ESPN desperately trying to keep up with the action. And for those that say "What action?" I say this: Shut up. Who says 0-0 games with no penalties can't be heart-stopping, edge-of-your-seat fucking amazing hockey? I'm still kicking myself for missing a truly epic game for the ages, and now it's just Vancouver (or Vahn-cooo-vahhh) and 4 wins until we bring a goddamn Cup back to this city that has longed for one so badly. Who the fuck says this isn't a hockey town? It's times like this that I recall Glenn Ordway on the Big Show taking calls about "why don't you talk about hockey?", dishing out sarcasm and feigned interest towards the callers, and then doing a snarky segment called "Hockey Talk" where he mocked the Bruins and their fans. Don't forget that, B's Nation. I assume Dennis and Callahan this morning said something like "The Bruins are in the Cup finals, but screw that! A brown person got paroled for robbing a liquor store! Isn't Massachusetts a MESS?!?!?!" It's an added bonus that this is a huge "fuck you" to WEEI. Eat shit and die, you bloated, self-serving, arrogant windbags. There's no doubt anymore that this is a hockey town - enjoy scrambling to win back all the fans that you mocked. I'm content to never listen to you again.

In non-Bruins news, the Red Sox continue to cruise, and they've moved into first place since we last talked. Besides a "tip your cap" type outing by Verlander, the Sox offense has been firing on all cylinders, and the pitching (aside from a poor outing by Lester last night) has been just as good. And just to note, EVERYONE we've called out on this blog, from Papelbon to Saltalamacchia to Wakefield, Lowrie, Varitek, and Pedroia... EVERYONE has turned it around and forced us to shove our collective feet in our mouths, ankle deep. We're now glaring at you, John Lackey. Come off the DL and shut us up. Or not, because you suck (*jinx jinx jinx*). Either way, this is going to be a fun team to watch this summer.

So while we were missing all this shit, what the hell were we up to? Try hanging out in dirty bus stations, treking into the middle of the woods of West Virginia, and drinking our fucking faces off. Why West Virginia, you ask? It's as good a place to get drunk as any. If I were to pick 3 things I learned this weekend, they would be 1. If you're going to West Virginia, fly. Don't take a bus. 2. I am not going to miss a single second of any more Bruins games, and 3. Ke$ha songs will get stuck in your head for fucking DAYS. So now you're going to have to deal with what I've been dealing with all weekend. Enjoy, and GO BRUINS.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Enjoy the Weekend


Go Bruins.

The NFL's Love Affair with Brett Favre Continues


So Mike Reiss over at ESPN.com reports that the NFL is doing a Top 100 Players of All Time ranking thingy. The shocking pick?

20. Brett Favre
21. Tom Brady

Scratches, squints eyes, reads it again.

20. Brett Favre
21. Tom Brady

Hmmm, I must be losing my vision, or I am reading this all wrong. Did I just see that correctly?

20. Brett Favre
21. Tom Brady

Yup. It's not surprising the NFL would pick Favre over Brady, they have been slurping the Favre splooge for over a decade now, even with his completely diminished skill set and inappropriate dong pics. Favre had a nice little career, riddled with stupid passes, and playing when he shouldn't. Brady has been surgical for most of it, easily the top 1 or 2 QB's of this generation (I'm not getting into the Peyton Manning debate here). Just from a sight test, Brady has led the Pats to a dynasty, Favre....Favre....has the NFL watched him play the last five years? He has looked horrible. Two quick stats should put this stupid list debate to rest:

Tom Brady Super Bowl rings: 3
Brett Favre Super Bowl rings: 1 (and he better write thank you notes to Desmond Howard)

Tom Brady Super Bowl MVPs: 2
Brett Favre: 0

True, Favre owns the record for most all time passing yards, but I'm pretty sure that Brady could break that record if he just went back to pass and heaved it 30 yards every other pass like Favre does. Put Favre against Brady both in their primes, and Brady is going to win that 9 times out of 10. And when Tom Brady sends a picture of his dong to a lady friend, she doesn't go running to the press with the evidence, because that's the power of the Brady Dong.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tampa Fans Drenched with Water, Tears


So by now you've probably seen this video, as it circulated around the blogs and the Facebooks and people Twit it on their Tweeter, or whatever these kids do this days with their internet and their rap music. Anyhow, if you haven't seen it, check around the 1:30 mark - a Bruins player (Puck Daddy says Nathan Horton) sprays a "Lightning fan" with his water bottle, then tosses the bottle up at the fan. Some will say he "threw" the water bottle, but come on, he was like a foot and a half away from the guy - it was a toss. Whatever.

So as expected, "Lightning fans" are crying about this already. "Waaah, he was mean to us! He should get suspended, waaah!" Look, I'm not condoning what Horton did, but let's not forget that the "Lightning fans" were hucking those annoying noisemaker thingys at the Bruins like 30 seconds prior. A couple Bruins players even got hit with a few of them (granted, 80-year-olds can't throw very hard, but still). So "Lightning fans": Shut your fucking pie holes. That's the kind of shit that happens when you throw crap at players. I love how people think they can say and do whatever they want to players and not expect some type of reaction (see: Artest, Ron). If you're going to be a dick and you can't take the consequences, then here's an idea: DON'T BE A DICK. (And the redneck clown who got sprayed looks pissed, but I'm sure he and his buddies all had a good laugh about it afterwards at their Klan meeting. Nice haircut, by the way.) I know athletes are held to a higher standard and I agree they should be, but they're still human.

So what goes down now? Well I think the NHL should fine Horton (PLEASE no suspension), but they should also implement a policy where they don't allow teams to have give-aways during the playoffs - at least not stuff that can be used as a projectile.

Now let's beat these fucking losers.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Must... make it... to... Friday... night. Can... not... think... of last night's game...


Hi guys and gals, I'm a hurting little buckaroo this morning. But not to worry - I have a giant water in front of me and enough coffee to caffeinate half the eastern sea board. My head hurts, my eyes sting, and I feel like I woke up next to Chaz Bono...and that's only because of the Bruins. Yesterday was the ultimate bi-polar day of my life. The soaring highs, the epic lows. All wrapped up in the span of about 8 hours.

The Red Sox decided that they would take the offensive lapses that happened the first two weeks of the season and balance them with their second epic ass whooping of the week. After pounding the Cubs back to Wrigley on Sunday, the Sox took the American League leading Indians and shoved their Indian drum up their Wahoo hole. Jon Lester decided that he was sick of pitching like John Lackey and threw a gem through 6 innings, shutting out the Indians. But the story of the day had to be the offense. Carl Crawford went 4-4, and was a triple away from the cycle (he is going to break out soon, which gives me a an excite-gasm), Dustin Pedroia ripped the ball all over the park, and something called a Drew Sutton had 3 hits as well. The Red Sox are now 5 games over .500 as they head into America's toilet, Detroit. The Sox are playing red hot baseball, even with Aceves on the mound, we are facing a righty in Max Scherzer...I expect big things from this lineup today.

And the Bruins....oh the Bruins. Last night was pretty shitty, but not unexpected. Everyone is quick to blame the power play for our current woes, but can we look at Tim Thomas? WE HAVE LET UP 21 GOALS THIS SERIES OF COURSE WE ARE GOING TO LOSE. Sure Kaberle and Boychuk are playing like human sieves, but Tim Thomas's tendency to over commit to plays have left the Bruins praying the 7th game goes their way. A few days ago I was talking to Smarty Barrett about the Bruins, and I said to him "You know who I don't get? David Krejci. People love this guy but he doesn't seem to do anything for the team." Last night answered that question for me. A hat trick and some great forechecking had to make him the MVP of a rather depressing game. Oh did I mention, CAN IT BE FRIDAY PLEASE?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My Mea Culpa

On this blog, I have gained the reputation as a loud mouthed, uncouth lout. I make rash judgments on basically everybody, and sometimes I am right....other times I have been wrong. Instead of apologizing for everything I've ever said, I'm just going to create bullets for easy reading. The following I have been wrong about:

  • Jason Varitek for saying that he should have retired three years ago.
  • Tim Wakefield for saying basically the same thing.
  • David Ortiz for the nickname I created "Big Popout" and "Big Slumpi", or even "Giant Hole in the Lineup".
  • The Miami Heat for doubting they could beat the Celtics. (I still doubt Lebron James is the best player in the NBA, and will vehemently defend that no matter how many great playoff games he has.)
  • Never understood the big deal around LOST.
  • The Jets for doubting they could beat the Patriots.
  • Rhode Island for doubting they could beat BC....two years in a row.
  • Joakim Noah, for thinking his skill set would never translate to the NBA. I never saw anyone scream so much in my life, but who knew, that skill would carry over to the Bulls.
  • Jonathan Papelbon, because hey, he isn't perfect, but I'll take it.
  • Not being interested in the Bruins last year.
  • Gaining interest in the Bruins during the playoffs again.
  • Still having not seen an episode of Parks and Recreation.
  • Dennis and Callahan....HAHA YEAH RIGHT.
  • Being the lone dissenter that thought the Kendrick Perkins trade was a good thing... should have listened to the rest of you.
  • Trading Chris Johnson to GHABBY in fantasy football for what turned into Braylon Edwards and Jason Witten.
  • Thinking BC could beat Nevada.
  • Thinking BC should have made the NCAA tournament.
  • Posting drunk.
  • Not profreeding my posts befor I send thennm.
Did I miss anything?

Memo to Yahoo! Sports


You'd better hope there are no Native American players without file photos on the Indians. Otherwise, something like this could be construed as offensive.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Two of Tampa's finest residents.

Good morning everyone, I hope everyone is geared up for tonight's Bruins game. I know I am; nice weather out, a shot at the Stanley Cup Finals - this only means one thing: DRINKING! And please, please, PLEASE don't drink Natty Ice like the rednecks in this pic. I don't care if you're still in college - crack open a Sam's or a Harpoon or a Magic Hat or something. Get that local flavor and rep Boston for crissakes. You're gonna need something for when you're on the edge of your seat... shit, I'm nervous already.

Recapping last night's action, we saw the Red Sox FINALLY beat Cleveland! Woo hoo! Drew Carey Show DVDs and Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame bumper stickers for everyone! Josh Beckett was absolutely dominant once again, Rich Hill continues to state his claim to assist Bard in the setup role, and... wait, this can't be right... Jason Varitek hit a ho... hit a homeru... nah, pretty sure that was just a dream. Weird that I dreamed it, AND it was a typo in the box score! How random is that? In all seriousness, it's awesome to see the catchers coming around. Plus, Wakefield, Varitek... seems like everyone we call out here starts to kick ass! So let's keep it going: hey Pedroia - how about you stop slugging 0.318? Move Crawford up to second and drop Pedroia to 8th!!!!1111!!!! (That should do the trick.)

Sox have a day game today as Lester takes on Mitch Talbot... and hey, look at that! If the season ended today the Sox would be in the playoffs. Not bad after a 2-10 start. With the Sox at noon, that frees up your night for grilling, drinking, and Bruins, without having to fiddle with the remote. Hopefully it ends tonight, although I wouldn't hate a few more days of making fun of Florida - the material is ENDLESS. I'll leave you with this one:

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Most Beautiful Thing You Will Ever See In Your Life

(h/t Toucher and Rich)

This screen grab, much like a woman breastfeeding in public, is beautiful. But you should not stare at it. Never stare. It is just too awesome.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Fantastic artwork by the guys over at Days of Y'orr

Good morning again folks, thanks for coming back and making Mass Hysteria the #45234 blog in all of Boston!!!! Last night was another busy night in sports, as both the Bruins and Red Sox were in action. If you were like me, you set your Tivo up, made it sure it recorded the premiere of the Bachelorette, and watched some good ole sports. (Grunts, smashes head into wall, chugs a beer).

Easily the most important game of the night was Game 5 between the Bruins and the "Team from Florida that has a shitty fan base." Things started off very poorly for the Bruins, as the TFFTHASFB scored quickly and were attacking Tim Thomas seemingly non stop. But after the first intermission, things changed. The Bruins started to assert themselves physically over TB (basically holding them over a sink and having their way with them), and scored to tie the game up. It wasn't long after that Brad "Marshmount", knocked in the go ahead goal, and Tim Thomas did what he does best. WIN BABY. I can only imagine the level of dialogue going on in TB right now "THAT DARN GAME PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN THE TIME I CAUGHT MY COUSIN SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER!...IT WAS MY TURN!" Go to hell Tampa Bay.

The Red Sox on the other hand have started a new disturbing trend...blowing games in the later innings. Last night, Carl Crawford did everything human to win the game for the Sox, but his HR and 2-4 night wasn't enough. Daniel Bard is continuing his "Ok, maybe we should seriously consider re-signing Papelbon" tour, by not only choking away a lead, but letting Cleveland take the lead. Honestly, if you thought Cleveland was going to be so good this year, maybe you should be betting on horses, because looking at that lineup you can't help but think "How the hell are they winning?" Austin Kearns? Orlando Cabrera? HOW THE FUCK IS ASSDRIBBLE CABRERA DOING SO WELL? I don't know, that game left me scared and confused.

Well have a great day folks, the Sun is finally coming out, so get out of your homes, dwellings and offices and enjoy the damn weather!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Another Mass Hysteria Exclusive: Macho Man Randy Savage

We here at Mass Hysteria are always committed to bringing you the latest breaking news stories from the world of sports. And today is no different. I know a lot of us were touched by the death of Macho Man Randy Savage last Friday; we at Mass Hysteria re-ran our Wrestlers of Yore post as a tribute to his legacy, and I saw an outpouring of fans on Twitter and Facebook posting videos, photos, and personal stories. But now, with Macho Man being laid to rest today, many fans were curious as to see which famous old-time wrestlers would be in attendance. Well wonder no longer, as we bring you an EXCLUSIVE photo of the funeral proceedings:

Rest in peace, Macho Man.

The Sissification of Our Once Heroic Quarterback Is Now Complete


Yes, that is Tom Brady screaming like a little girl as he goes down a water slide in Mexico with his hot piece of ass wife. After the Bieber haircut, the Euro ponytail, the men's fashion magazines and the Yankee hats, I thought I saw it all. But this new picture takes the cake. You'd expect to see this out of Eli Manning, but Tom Brady is meant to embody masculinity...not this crap. I don't even know what to think anymore. Tom you're just giving the haters ammunition, and at this point I'm having a hard time defending you. Please just go out and screw four movie starlets in a row, and get caught slamming Jack Daniels out of the bottle, that is your only hope of saving your reputation.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Good morning sports fans - I hope everyone enjoyed the nice weekend that at least ended on a good note, sports-wise. Last night Tim "Shot-Put" Wakefield dazzled the Cubs with his 58 mile-per-hour floater and shut the mouths of critics like myself and BCHysteria. You win, Timmy. I'll stop begging for your retirement, at least until the next time you give up 7 runs over two innings. Bard pitched the 8th, proving he was NOT raptured (more on this in a moment) and Papelbon finished it off as we all stomped our feet to the Dropkick Murphys and chugged some Guinness or something! And Adrian GODzalez (yes, we're going with that) continued to humble even the greatest of men, going 4 for 4 and pretty much cementing the fact that he is the greatest human being in history. Seriously, BUILD THIS MAN A STATUE NOW.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the giant suck-shack that the Bruins and Sox constructed on Saturday. First, the B's. I don't really know what more I can say about this game that hasn't already been said. It's rare that I take a hiatus from Twitter (addict), but after Purcell scored twice in like 4.3 seconds, I stopped, because I knew everyone had the same bad feeling I did and I didn't want it to be validated. Going up 3-1 coming back to Boston would have been HUGE. Like insanely huge. Instead, they now face BY FAR the biggest game of the season tonight. Not to fear though - my cautious optimism remains highly cautious. Christ.

If your nuts weren't sore enough after that one, there was the Sox game, which was like an Alfredo Aceves fastball to the face. ...Too soon? After a nice outing from Aceves and solid relief from Wheeler and Rich Hill, Terry Francona presumably said "Hey guys, remember Little League? Lets rock an inning like that - I mean, it's throwback night, right?" Popups were dropped, throws were wild, Alberses were pummeled - an all around catastrophic shit-storm that made me believe for a second that the world was actually ending. I assumed the reason Daniel Bard was not in the game was because he was one of the few who was raptured - leaving Albers as the Sox only option. But 2 out of 3 in the series is just fine when it's all said and done, and the Sox head off to the land of Offensive Native American Caricatures tonight for a series with the Chief Wahoos. They're also only a half game out of first place. So there's that.

And speaking of the rapture, did any of our readers get summoned into heaven? Not like you can tell us - I'm certain Mass Hysteria is on the blog roll of Satan himself, and strictly banned in the promised land. Oh well, we knew what we were getting into and we stand by it. Did anyone make crazy plans in anticipation for the end of times? Me, I got drunk. But it begs the question: If you had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Wrestlers of Yore: Macho Man Randy Savage

(NOTE: This post [written by GHABBY] originally ran on November 21, 2008. We are re-running it unedited in a tribute to Savage, who passed away today at the age of 58.)

Few professional wrestlers have touched our hearts to the extent that the Macho Man Randy Savage has. He taught us to snap into Slim Jims. His theme music is played at every high school graduation. He gave us three of the greatest Wrestlemania matches in history. He got married on pay-per-view. He recorded the world's greatest rap album, ever. It's no wonder that the Harvard Lampoon named him "Man of the Year" for 1998. Frankly, Randy Savage is the man of the Century, both this current one and last.

Born Randy Poffo, the soon-to-be Macho Man exuded his machoness in the world of minor league baseball, serving as a catcher in the White Sox, Reds and Cardinals minor league systems. Reportedly, Keith Hernandez was one of his minor league teammates, and the two would often exchange high fives on how awesome their facial hair was. However, Randy hurt his throwing shoulder and decided to hang up his spikes, starting a second career in the family business: professional wrestling.

Randy's father Angelo Poffo was one of the well-known wrestling promoters of the midwest during the 1970s, and had appeared on Ripley's Believe It Or Not for his ability to do situps for hours on end. Randy's brother, Lanny Poffo, was a wrestler, working under the nicknames "Leaping Lanny" or "The Genius," one of my five greatest characters of all time.

Randy soon began wrestling in his father's ICW promotion, where he met a comely young lass named Elizabeth Hulette, who he soon married. The couple soon moved to Memphis, where the newly named Macho Man Randy Savage battled Jerry Lawler for Lawler's CWA crown. Savage lost, but was soon signed up by Vince McMahon's WWF, who also brought on Elizabeth as his manager, though they didn't reveal on television that the pair were married.

Savage was immediately given a huge promotional push in the WWF, first making it to the semifinials of The Wrestling Classic (the first ever wrestling Pay-per-view), and soon winning the Intercontinental Championship from Tito Santana. The highly skilled Savage would keep his title in upcoming feuds with George "The Animal" Steele and Bruno Sammartino, leading up to a big title match at Wrestlemania 3, the biggest event in WWF history, against challenger Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat.

When wrestling fans list their favorite matches of all time, the Savage/Steamboat Wrestlemania 3 match is generally at or near the top. The two rehearsed every move for weeks at Savage's home before the match, and put on a technical masterpiece that still holds up to this day. Savage lost the match, but was made a huge star in the process.

From there, Savage was immediately thrown into contention for the World Heavyweight Championship, winning the 1987 King of the Ring tournament, and feuding with then-Intercontinental Champion the Honky Tonk Man, who scarred my childhood when he hit Miss Elizabeth over the head with his break-away guitar. Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan came in and saved Savage, leading to the formation of the Mega Powers of Hogan and Savage, the most powerful tag team ever.

In reality, Hogan and Savage were huge rivals, as Savage was constantly paranoid that Hogan was cheating with Elizabeth behind his back. In the ring though, the two were a force, and Hogan was the first to congratulate Savage after the Macho Man won the Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania IV. The two also defeated Andre the Giant and Ted DiBiase at the first ever SummerSlam, when Elizabeth removed her skirt to reveal a bikini bottom, easily the most erotic moment of my childhood. Savage, with the help of his scripted friend Hogan, would defend the belt for the next year.

At this time Savage also gained his highly publicized contract with Slim Jim, appearing in rougly 379,840 commericials where he yelled at us to "SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM." In a related story, Savage is responsible for a large percentage of the cases of diarrhea that I suffered in my childhood.

The Mega Powers of course had to separate at some point, and it came at a Saturday Night's Main Event when Elizabeth fell off the apron, and Hogan carried her to the back. A jealous Savage attacked Hogan in the dressing room, and the Mega Powers were no more. The feud culminated in the main event of Wrestlemania V, where Hogan won the belt from Savage.

After his run with Hogan, Savage took Sensational Sherri as a manager, eventually becoming the "Macho King" by winning the King of the Ring tournament. The Macho King smashed his sceptre over the head of the Ultimate Warrior at Royal Rumble 1991, causing the Warrior to lose the Heavyweight belt to Sgt. Slaughter and paving the way for Hulk Hogan to end the Gulf War with his 24-inch pythons. It also began a feud between Savage and the Warrior that ended in a Retirement Match at Wrestlemania VI, where, in probably the best match of his career, the Warrior summoned the power of the Gods to defeat Savage and send him into retirement. Savage, soundly defeated and now retired, sat in the ring dejected, until Miss Elizabeth ran out of the crowd to embrace her one-time partner. This reuniting was proven to make even the hardest of souls cry like babies.

The now-retired Macho Man returned to a non-wrestling role in the WWF, serving as a commentator for the various Saturday Morning shows. Savage still found a way to stay in the spotlight, "proposing" to Miss Elizabeth (even though they'd actually been married for seven years prior) on television and having their "wedding" take place at SummerSlam 1992. Ironically, the couple would divorce in real life only a few months later. From there, Savage soon un-retired, and would feud with Ric Flair, Jake Roberts and Crush over the next few years, until he mysteriously disappeared from the WWF in the summer of 1994.

Now, Savage's departure from the WWF and lack of return anytime since has puzzled wrestling fans, as no specific reason was given for his departure or persona non grata status in the current WWE. The prevailing rumor was that the then-divorced Savage slept with the then-14 year old Stephanie McMahon, a rumor that has not been proven or disproven. All that I know is that Savage has not ever been mentioned since on WWE television, been inducted into the watered-down Hall of Fame, or invited back for any WWE events or shows. Draw from that what you will.

From there, Savage signed with WCW, where he led a largely inconsequential career in comparison with the heights he reached in the WWF. He held a few titles, was a central figure in the nWo wars of the late '90s, and had to resort to wrestling in a shirt because he was rapidly losing his figure. Savage was even reunited with Elizabeth during his WCW reign, though by that time, the emotional scars were too deep to re-spark any friendship, and their time on screen together could only be described as "awkward." Savage would also be known for parading his current girlfriends out on television with him, including one Stephanie "Gorgeous George" Bellars, owner of some of the fakest tits I've ever seen. Broken down and bitter, Savage would eventually leave the wrestling industry when WCW folded in 2001, returning only for a forgettable one-shot deal in TNA.

Savage was also apparently quite shaken when ex-wife Miss Elizabeth was found dead of a drug overdose in fellow wrestler Lex Luger's house, whom she had been dating. This led to me naming my fantasy teams "LexLugersLadykillers" for the last three years and absolutely NO ONE getting the joke.

Savage's life in the public wasn't done at this point however, as he landed a role as Bonesaw McGraw in the wildly successful 2002 Spider-Man movie. He's also lent his unique voice to various cartoons and television programs, where he's carved out quite the niche for himself. Savage also released a rap album, entitled "Be a Man," where he called out Hogan to fight him for real. Yes, it's as awesome as it sounds.

Recently, Savage shocked the wrestling community when he recently appeared at the premiere for the Disney movie Bolt, where he lends his voice alongside that of Miley Cyrus and others. This Randy Savage, however, looked very different from the one we all have grown used to:

Clearly, Savage is preparing for yet another career: Mall Santa Claus.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

I spy with my little eye... more Bruins fans than Lightning fans.

What a great morning to be a Boston sports fan! The Bruins won in that seething cesspool that is named Tampa Bay, the Red Sox walked off with a win because of a guy Tampa Bay produced but couldn't afford to keep. Can anything be any better. (Don't look out the window, that doesn't count). Let's take a look at what's been a happenin' in the Boston sports.

As mentioned before, I am the pinkest of pink hats in my love for the Bruins. But god I am falling in love with this team. Last night's game was awesome, because again the Bruins showed they can win in a variety of ways. Game 2 was a fly down the ice as fast as possible and shoot, and most likely score, last night was a defensive and goal tending master piece. Again, I don't know a lot about hockey, so can someone explain to me why people have been all over Tim Thomas this post season? I get the "he gives up easy rebound" argument, but games like last night show why he has been one of the best goalies this season. I can't believe how many saves he made against open looks by the Lightning. This was the ultimate "shut the fuck up" game for Mad Cow and the rest of his inbred listeners. Oh you lost at home, go cry to mommy, and while your at it, wipe your tears off with a bag of dicks. Seriously though, I hope that bag of hairy dicks taste great Tampa Bay.

Which leads to the Red Sox game. Tampa, thanks for Carl Crawford. Because of your shitty fan base that doesn't show up to anything, we now a hitter who can rival David Ortiz for clutchiest hitters in the history of clutch. I hate your fan base, your a bunch of bandwagon frauds, who get their home stadium packed out with your opponents fans because your own fans are too old and pathetic to get out and support their team. Joshua Beckett had a great game last night, looking strong through 6, but had to be pulled because of a stiff neck, which I could mock, but goddamn it those things suck. Our prince of regression statistics Daniel Bard blew a save allowing home runs to two Tigers in an inning, Brandon Boesch, and Senor El Drunk Drivo. But Papelbon came in and somehow escaped a bases loaded one out situation without letting up a run. In comes the best name in all of baseball "Al Albuquerque", who walks Youk, allows a hit to Papi, intentionally walks JD Drew, lets up a bloop hit to Lowrie but Iglesias is gunned down at the plate. Carl Crawford comes up, rifles a line drive over the center fielders head, and game over. By the way the Red Sox are now 21-10 since their 2-10 start. Tampa Bay, how is it going to feel when your baseball and hockey team blow it to teams from Boston? Eat it pal.

Finally, a bit of shameless self promotion. I know many of you here know I am a crazy BC fan, and most of you don't give a rat's ass when I talk about them on this here blog. Well, your prayers have finally been answered. I have been given an opportunity to write for BCInteruption and will be a regular contributor over there. This will not change a thing here, I will still be posting at the same rate as I am currently, I am just keeping all my BC material on a format where, you know, people actually care about it. It's a win win situation for you the reader! So if you actually enjoy my BC material, head over to BCI and catch up with me there, but if you only want to read stuff about the C's, B's, Sox and Pats, stick with us here! Or both. Your choice. CHOOSE, CHOOSE NOW. Ciao!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Mike "Cowhead" Calta


It's true, Hysterics. At long last, one of our (and hopefully your) favorite features is back. I know GHABB,Y~! usually spearheads these, but this is too good for me to pass up.

As you all may have heard, the Bruins posted some pretty mild trash-talking signs at the Garden, taking shots at Tampa Bay Lightning fans. Here's one of them:

Again, clever, pretty mild, and all in good fun. Well apparently asshats like this Cowhead guy took offense. So, Mr. Cowhead, allow me to speak to you directly if I may.


First of all, what the fuck kind of nickname is Cowhead? My only guess is either your mom did some beastiality movies when she was a teen that she's not too proud of and you decided to name yourself after your dad, or you enjoy the occasional blowjob from cattle. Either way, what a shitty nickname for a shock jock. While you're cranking out fart noises and Lewinsky jokes, try not to choke on a sack of cocks. It'd make you awfully hard to understand.

Second, what the fuck is with your look? By looking at this picture, I can only assume you're the type of guy who jerks off to the liner notes of the latest Nickelback CD while munching on a giant bag of dicks. Just a guess, but I'm thinking you've been to your fair share of ICP concerts, which also probably means you beat your wife. Everyone knows Juggalos have an endless supply of bags of dicks, and I'm betting you've helped yourself to more than your fair share. Fucking bags of dicks, how do they work? I have to believe you spend multiple nights a week working on the answer.

But now the real reason for my post: You got your little panties in a bunch over the silly signs and cried and cried about it until the nice folks at the TD Garden took them down. My guess is you used the frowny face emoticon more than once in your emails to all the 80-year old Tampa residents trying to organize your lame-ass campaign to get the signs removed. Dry your tears with a bag of dicks, you whiny little bitch.

But if that wasn't enough, you start thumping your chest (presumably with a bag of dicks) like a big man, implying that you accomplished something big. Oh wow, hey, good for you! Maybe someone will give you a cookie for a reward, and you can mow on it along with your bathtub full of cocks in celebration. If this was the end, I probably wouldn't give a shit. Losers like you need something to feel good about, and if this is your thing, then hey, congrats. We all need goals in life, no matter how small or asinine or pointless. But then you started running your dick-filled mouth, saying you and your "posse" (I assume that's a word douches like you use) were like Seal Team 6. What the fuck planet are you on? Then you and your Twitter ass buddies start talking shots at the city of Boston, the Bruins, and their fans. So yeah, I had to jump in and put you and your Santa-Claus-sized sack of dicks in their place, because you really are a bottom-feeding piece of shit that probably deserves to get trampled by a herd of bulls.

"Holy shit you people are retards." "The best part about twitter is that I don't have to actually hear your retarded boston fucking accents!" HYUK HYUK HYUK! YOU MADE A FUNNY! Look, I don't know what passes for comedy in the retirement homes and Klan-filled areas of Tampa, but that's the kind of shit I heard in elementary school from some kid who was about to get his faced bashed in. I know it's hard to tweet with a dick in your hand, but try to make jokes at higher than a 3rd grade level. That is, if your IQ allows you to.

And now your latest deal is An Open Letter to Boston, which besides the grammar and syntax fails (I IZ A MEMBR OF THE MEDIAS!) reeks of lies, and dick breath. The first paragraph is basically you shedding more tears about WAAH, YOU WERE MEAN TO ME! I bet you were the kind of pussy who tattled a lot in grade school. "Mrs. DumbShitRedneck, Bobby made fun of my bag of dicks!" Whining about some silly signs then taking to Twitter, WHAT A BIG MAN YOU ARE! It's amazing you're strong enough to lug a bag of dicks around with you everywhere you go, because you seem to be pretty soft otherwise. Then you're second paragraph is a HUGE disclaimer about how you DIDN'T whine - well, it's pretty clear that's a fucking lie. You also said "I did not blog!". I know it says that because it says this on the blog you wrote. WOW. You and your giant bag of cocks are regressing intelligence-wise.

Now this 4th paragraph has to be seen to be believed. Here it is:

You can curse me out on twitter, you can photo shop me all day long...but I laugh at you. I laugh at your accent, your Red Sox, Ben Affleck, New Kids on the Block, Michael Dukakis, and everything else you are famous for.

Wow, way to name a ton of things Boston is decidedly NOT famous for. Well, besides the Red Sox...which is THE DUMBEST thing you could possibly mention, because you're IN TAMPA! THE RAYS HAVEN'T WON SHIT...EVER! Clearly you must have been distracted by the giant bag of dongs in your lap, you dumbass. Let's try shit we're REALLY famous for: The American Revolution, The Boston Tea Party, Harvard and various other higher education institutes, several advanced medical facilities, The Boston Marathon, Paul Revere, The Kennedys, Boston Common, Beacon Hill, Newbury Street, and the Prudential Center. Doesn't sound so bad, does it, cockface?

Now a quick little Wikipedia search of your beloved city tells me that 13.5% of the homes in Tampa are vacant, which means either all your old retirees that come there to die are dying, or no one wants to fucking live there. I'm guessing it's a little of both. I also found out that the early settlers of Tampa used to eat dogs! Fucking awesome! But in present day, it seems the shitty radio hosts have graduated from dogs, and moved on to bags of dicks.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Morning Hysterics, this weather is starting to get to your favorite foul mouthed editor. This dreary rain and cold temperature feel like its been going on for an eternity. I'm certain I haven't seen the sun in a month. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE BCHYSTERIA A DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE BCHYSTERIA A DULL BOY. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE BCHYSTERIA A DULL BOY. Sorry, I have been having a lot of those moments lately. I feel like I'm not the only one who has been effected by this smorgasbord of smog; drivers are even more asshole-ish, my dog bit me for no reason yesterday, and baseballs seem a little more dead in this weather.

Last night was a quieter night in Boston sports, only one game on the tap, Sox-Tigers at the Pea Soup Fenway Park. I hate going to these rainy cold games, but I have to admit they are kind of fun to watch on TV. Every ball that is hit is an adventure, is it going to left field, second base or foul? Definitely the player of the game in that department was Scott Sizemore of the Tigers, who on at least two occasions made circus catches when the ball was hit at him. Mike Cameron also made, I hate to use the cliche "Brunansky-esque" sliding catch in the 7th to save the game. Other than the fog, the game was pretty boring, the ball knocked down everything hit in the air, and the only scoring of the game came after a walk to Carl "My shoulder is flying open against lefties again" Crawford, and ripped double by Jarrod Saltala-alphabet. God they stink. Clay Buchholz threw a 128 pitches, which I never knew he had in him.

Can I give a shout out to the Red Sox fans that actually stuck it out during that game and the litany of other shitty weather games this year? I know our fan base gets a bum rap about basically everything, we are blow hards, jerks, you name it, but a golf clap to our fans. If this was in Tampa and they actually had the balls to play their games outdoors instead of in that shit-hole they call the Trop, the game would have had 25 fans tops...and they'd all be Boston fans. Boston fans are a hardy crew, I can't believe how many people stuck it out for last nights game. I can't say I would have, hell Smarty Barrett and I had tickets offered to us and we declined them, because we didnt' want to sit in this weather. Yes we are sissies. Look I hate getting my hair wet, and my fur jacket just looks just awful when it's wet.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011



Courtesy of the fellas over at Fang Bites, your April Aribitron Ratings (drum roll please):

APRIL 2011 Ratings – 98.5 The Sports Hub vs. WEEI


M 25-54 – 9.8 (1st)

M 18-49 – 13.1 (1st)

M 18-34 – 20.9 (1st)


M 25-54 – 5.9 (3t)

M 18-49 – 5.0 (7th)

M 18-34 – 2.6 (12th)

OH SNAP D&C! That looks like a royal ass kicking to me at the hands of Toucher and Rich. Maybe if you spent more time on actual sports, stopped cart blanche baselessly attacking our president, and actually paid attention to the the hottest team in Boston (Bruins), you wouldn't be getting absolutely destroyed by the ME demographic (Men 18-34). Maybe it's just an anomaly, let's see how The Big Show after their injection of blackness, I mean hipness, I mean Michael Holley into the show.


M 25-54 – 8.0 (1st)

M 18-49 – 9.2 (1st)

M 18-34 – 11.4 (1st)


M 25-54 – 6.6 (3t)

M 18-49 – 5.3 (7th)

M 18-34 – 2.2 (15th)


15th place among viewers 18-34?!!! Damn that means you probably lost to Trade-io, replays of Sunday's Catholic Mass, and Don Imus's rotting corpse. What the hell is going on with EEI? Have they lost touch with the masses? Maybe Glen Ordway's Twitter page will provide some answers, oh right he doesn't have one. WEEI should start to look to reformat their programs moreso than they already have. DeOssie's not so subtle digs at the gays, and Smerlas's goon rants about football and liberals are just not going to cut it anymore.

Things are going to have to change at WEEI soon before the Sports Hub steals all of their advertisers and listeners. But it's okay, if your higher ups ask The Big Show or D&C to take a pay cut because of a decline in ratings, they can always skim more money from Smerlas's fundraising schemes.

Breakfast with the Seguinistas


h/t to Matt Kalman of The Bruins Blog for coining the term "Seguinista".

Now we all know why Seguin didn't play much during Lent. BECAUSE HE GOES HAM!

How awesome was this kid last night? He's played about as much professional hockey in the past month or so as I have, and he comes in and just goes OFF in a big way, almost single-handedly leading the Bruins to the win. Two goals and two assists in the 2nd period alone, and this is after scoring in his first playoff game last game. The folks clamoring for him to get more minutes, especially on the power play, are looking quite smart today. But let's not throw a ton of blame at Claude, OK? Everyone that's screaming about "Oh jeez Claude dood gai, whey-ah was Seguin da last month of da season dood? He is fahkin awesome! Yoo saaahck, Joolieehhn!" I'm not here to start a crusade that he is an amazing coach, but I don't recall many of these fans screaming that Seguin should play in the Montreal or Philly series. It's only after he got plugged in by default that people were anointing him the savior. Not taking anything away from Seguin at all - he has been amazing, but I do feel like Claude takes more heat in this town than he should.

And speaking of which, Chiarelli said on Toucher and Rich this morning that Bergeron took limited contact in drills yesterday, which is all kinds of awesome. He's got to be real close to coming back, which begs the question: who goes? I'm thinking it's got to be Thornton, he's hardly getting any minutes now as it is. And then when they need a goon to break St. Louis' legs, they can make another move. Also, does it worry anyone else that the B's have given up 5 goals in 2 games? There's certainly plenty to work on before Game 3 in Tampa.

But in the meantime, this one's for you, Tyler:

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Birthday Poem for Matty Ryan


My dearest Matty Ryan, on this your special day,
I'd like to send my wishes and kisses your way.
Though you now may be married and in new love's bliss,
You may never find a true love like this.
At the Heights I watched you throw passes with ease,
After touchdowns you'd point to the stands,
And I thought, Oh what a tease!
I'd follow you to class whether you knew or not.
And watched while you showered, OOH YOU'RE SO HOT!
Though now you're in Atlanta, and you live so far away
Naked photos of me I mailed to you, UPS'd, on the way.
My friends say I'm creepy, and some think I'm weird.
But oh Matty I'm sure you'd love the feel of my beard.
We miss you in Boston, Chase Rettig ain't the same.
Spaziani wouldn't blow it with you in the game.
So today is your birthday, you turn the big two-six,
I wish I could meet you, I could show you my tricks ;-)
No I'm not gay, I just enjoy watching Glee
Sending well wishes to you on your bday

This Should Surprise Exactly No One


So I'm not the only one that thinks that Doc Rivers sounds like Gollum when he's mic'd up on the sidelines, right? Well as it turns out, the Celtics coach is going to have throat surgery. I'm not a doctor and even I could have told you that all that yelling he does puts stress on his vocal chords. So it makes me wonder - what's the next SHOCKING surgery to come out of Celtics camp?

Garnett has brain surgery from banging head against hoop uprights.

Delonte West has surgery to remove ugly ass neck tattoo.

Glen Davis gets gastric bypass.

Nenad Krstic has skill-correcting surgery.

Shaq's legs get an autopsy.

Yours in the comments.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Happy dreary morning to you and yours from your friends at Mass Hysteria. The crappy weather continues in the Boston area for the 3765th day in a row, but the Red Sox continue their stretch of hot baseball. Before I start the recap, I'd like to look at one of the constant criticisms of yours truly and Mass Hysteria in general. I admit we have a tendency to be overly critical of our athletes. I have taken my shots at many athletes here, Dice K, John Lackey, Matt Ryan (yeah right), the Patriots pass rush, Shaquille O'Neal etc. But for today, I'm going to keep it all positive, no mention of Dice K's seven walks here today, instead lets focus on the fact the Red Sox came from 6 runs behind to beat the Orioles yesterday 8-7. Hopefully I can be your ray of sunshine on this depressing Tuesday. Last night was a ballsy win, and another statement for a team that seems to have finally turned it around. For the first time this season the Sox are now OVER .500, and are now in a virtual tie with the Yanks (Hey pals, we can now mock you for playing like shit). After the start the Red Sox had, and the spotty pitching they received last night, how can you complain?

The second point on my tour of positivity, let's all take a deep breath, smile and just appreciate Adrian Gonzalez. I remember reading Yankee blogs mocking him at the beginning of the season. Mike Axisa over at River Ave Blues sarcastically tweeted about Gonzalez having 1 wall ball, and only one home run in the entire month of April. Well Yankees, to quote the corpse of Shaquille O'Neal "Tell me how my ass tastes". With the exception of Jose Bautista, no one is hitting the ball as well as Gonzo. He has 9 home runs the month of May. 9! He leads the league in RBIs, and has made me fall head over heels in love with his entire game. Honestly, I thought he was going to be good, but this past week has been near legendary. He has a sweet swing, plays stellar defense, and runs like I do. At what point are opposing pitchers going to start giving him the Barry Bonds treatment and just take their chances on Youk? Every game that goes by, it's clear Gonzo is everything Theo thought he would be, and well worth the package of prospects it took to get him.

On a side note, since Mass Hysteria relaunched two important aspects of our blog have been surprisingly missing. No, not Raquel and APimpNamedDaveR, they have long since said their goodbyes to our happy little blog, and got "real jobs". No, of course I am talking about two of our favorite commenters Rocco and Boatdrinks. They were a consistent force in our comments, giving their points of views and letting us know whats what. But they have disappeared, leaving our happy little blog in the lurch. If anyone has seen or knows where these two are, please let them know we are back. They really did add a lot to our blog. We just don't know how we will survive without random comments signed BOATDRINKS.

See I made it the entire post without taking a shot at Dice K. I'm a big boy now!

Monday, May 16, 2011



....for a minimum of 15 days. Whatever, at least we don't have to watch him take a giant shit on the mound every five days for at least 3 starts, win win for all of us. Now if only his wife would give me a call, I got to be better looking than that mug....

Editors Note: I had no clue Lackey's wife had breast cancer, which makes me sound like a giant dick for half the jokes in this post.

Shaquille O'Neal's Celtics-Heat Series Preview


Hello Boston, it's ya boy Shaq Daddy, here to bring you the 411 on the upcoming Heat-Celtics series. As you know I've been busy doing acts of Shaq-ness, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER. Opening clubs, Comcast commercials, Icy-Hot Commercials, studying for deputy marshal badge, divorcing my wife, banging Hoopz, spending Danny Ainge's money, rehabbing my back, designing Shaq-Fu for the XBOX 360, and laying down my verses for Shaq Diesel 2: Stuck in Neutral. But no worries my dude, I'm close to being ready to bring the pain to the Heat, which brings me to a Heat-Celtics preview chock full of Shaqitygoodness.

Without a doubt I'm going with the Celtics in this one. Watching my boys Mark Blount, Ray Pierce and Kenny Anderson gel has been a thing of beauty. I've spent alot of time with my teammates, something Coach Jackson has demanded of me, and of course as a veteran leader I take my playing time on the Celtics seriously. I think it's also important for you to go get AN ICY CHOCOLATE COOLATTA FROM DUNKIN DONUTS, THE ONLY DRINK THAT CAN QUENCH A SHAQ SIZED THIRST. AHHHH!!!!!!!!

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the Heat, my pick for the series......Oh wait I play for the Celtics, right, well, uh, I am almost back to game shape. It's not easy getting this marvelous body back in it's peak form. Give me another week or two and I should be ready, but you know right now my back is sore and my achilles is kind of tender. BUT NOT AS TENDER AS THE CHICKEN AT BOSTON MARKET, MMMMMMM THATS GOOD CHICKEN! The Heat, that can't handle me, I'll freeze Bosh in his steps and make him look like that new statue in Harvard Square.

My Highlight of the 2010-11 season.

Where was I again, oh right the Heat-Celtics series. I know most of ya'll are relying on Shaq to come back and provide that force in the middle. Don't ya'll worry, Lebron James aint nothing, Wade is nothing without me. Once I hit the court, the Heat will tremble in their shorts, and they won't stand a chance. By the way has anyone seen my jersey, I lost track of it around Christmas, and well I'm kind of embarrassed to ask someone if they have seen it. Oh well, this suit makes me look good for all the fine ladies in Boston. Hey mami, these stripes are slimming, know what I'm saying? (oh snap, I just pulled a muscle in my wrist typing that sentence, looks like I'm going to need some more down time). I need an ICY/Hot, oooh thats soothing. Can David Stern move this series to July please? No, oh well, I'll have to push past my comfort level and get ready sooner rather than later. Look out, I'm on my way back!


P.S- Can someone let Doc know I won't be at practice today, I've got a headache.

Breakfast with the Hysterics



File that one under "Things you didn't think you'd be celebrating on May fucking 16th".

But yes, our long national nightmare is over. After a beatdown of the Yankees in the Bronx over the weekend, the Red Sox are finally NOT under .500! Now that they have that monkey off their back, things are sure to turn around real quick! Hell, even Salalamacchia went deep last night! In all seriousness, they're heading back to Fenway, and with the Yanks playing the Rays, the Sox are sure to gain ground on someone if they can win. This could be the nice little stretch that gets them back near the top of this division, with plenty of baseball left to boot. And plus with a nice two game series against the lowly Orioles and... what's that? Daisuke and Lackey are starting the two games?!?!?!! ....


In other not-so-fun news, the Bruins has a shit minute-and-a-half stretch in Game 1 and it was all the Lightning needed to take the first game of the series. A few things to feel confident about though: one is Tim Thomas is not going to have many stretches like that (it was not all his fault, but still). The second is Seguin, who at the very least should be used on the power play. I'm not blowing my playoff load over him just yet - it was one game. Bear in mind he had a fairly pedestrian regular season, he's like 13 years old, and there was a reason he was scratched from the first two series. Let's not put him on the first line and anoint him captain just yet. But for fuck's sake, can the B's get any worse on the power play? Might as well try out Seguin - nothing else is working. The third glimmer of hope is: Bergeron looks to be very close to coming back! That is all kinds of awesome. But you know what isn't all kinds of awesome. Anything Tomas Kaberle has ever done ever. Sorry, I'm bitter.

Oh, and speaking of bitter, the Heat lost. So that's awesome and stuff.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Beating the Yankees Always Feels Good

(brilliant photoshop courtesy of NoMaas, side note is a fantastic Yankees blog)

Last night had all the makings of a Yankees win. It was an away game, the Red Sox have been struggling mightily, and when they couldn't expand the lead past 2-0 we all had the feeling the Yanks were going to get back into it. And NY did, with one swing of the bat from "The catcher Theo didn't really push all that hard for because he was happy with Tek and Salty, I want to punch myself in the dick as I write this". But the Sox didn't give up with big home runs by Kevin Youkilis and Adrian Gonzalez and only a small implosion by the bullpen and the Red Sox walk away with another win against our rivals in New York.

Complete side note: Can we all just agree now that Adrian Gonzalez is 1) Fucking awesome and 2) a far better investment than Adrian Beltre. 3) Easily is going to contend for multiple MVP's during his time with the Red Sox.

The reason I wanted to write this post on a Saturday morning is due to the curious case of Bartolo Colon. At the beginning of this season I was laughing my ass off at the Yankees rotation. Freddy Garcia? Bartolo Colon? HEHEHEHEHE. I was at a bar last night (surprise) watching the game, my Dad and I were stunned at his radar gun reading....97, 98, 96. Back in 2008 Colon pitched for the Red Sox, he was topping out at 87-88. Even with the juiced up gun at the Stadium (there was no way Buchholz was hitting 98 either), I find it hard to swallow that a 37 year old, horribly out of shape pitcher just mysteriously found his fastball again. Look at some other pitchers as they aged, Pedro Martinez had to change his repertoire to adjust to his declining fastball, and even weightier pitchers like Schilling had to rely more on location and off speed pitches to get batters out as they aged. Fastballs usually don't just return to pitchers, especially for someone like Colon. How the fuck did Colon regain almost 10mph, all the while MISSING ALL OF LAST SEASON?

The magical mysterious returning fastball will remain a curious question all season; could it be PEDs? Possibly, news reports have said that Colon's Dr. injected fetus stem cells into other patients shoulders during this procedure, which he laced with HGH. (though in this case the Dr. "claims" he didn't use HGH in Colon's surgery) Whatever it is that Colon is doing, it safe to say that his performances so far haven't been flukes, and if he can stay in shape (BIG IF), he could be a solid contributor to the Yankees. But this conjures up more questions. If stem cells can help that tub of goo throw 98mph again, what else might it be able to do? Maybe if we inject it in Jason Varitek's arm he will be able to throw a base runner out again. That would be neat. Maybe if we inject some cells in Sarah Palin's head she might be able to put together a cogent thought if for the first time in her life. Might stem cells injected in Rondo's elbow have helped him not dribble and pass like an invalid for two games? Interesting questions that may never be answered.

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Morning After: A Non Sports Day Link Dump


Hi everyone,

Nothing happened last night in sports, well unless you still are following the NBA (I gave that up for post Lent), or care about the Red Wings/Shark series. After some consideration SmartyBarrett and myself decided that the best thing to do on these sports less days is a link dump. There are some other fantastic blogs out there, many of which you may have never read, so it's our duty to edumacate you to them. So take this as a shout out to the fellow bloggers out there, who day in and day out provide better content and opinions than anything you will find on WEEI and 90% of the mainstream media.

Friday's Gigantic Dump

Hey nerds, open up your wallet and help out the Jimmy Fund. The Red Sox are giving all you cellar dwellers a reason to come out of your parents basement and learn more about your statistics. Go back and mash on your calculators you geeks. [Surviving Grady]

The boys over at Days of Y'Orr talk about Tampa Bays most important player. Great read, especially for pink hats like me who have never heard of any of these players. D-WAYNE R-o-l-SON? [DAYS OF Y'ORR]

Red's Army is contemplating what will happen next year and into 2012. Will Paul Pierce come off the bench? Head asplodes. [Red's Army]

After losing to the *Gulp* Heat, they wonder, do we retool, rebuild, or try it again? [Celtic's Blog]

If you need to have a visual representation illustrating why John Lackey is horrible check this out [Fire Brand of the AL]

True college sports in the Northeast plays second fiddle, but if you haven't been following how college athletes have continued to shoot themselves in the foot on Twitter, you should [In The Bleachers]

Boston College just added a recruit from Germany. I don't care if he ever plays for BC, I'm just hoping he doesnt hijack Nakatomi Plaza, because let's face it, John McLane is getting too old for this shit [BC Interruption]

This has nothing to do with sports, but I couldnt stop laughing at this post after hearing there is actually going to be a movie called Dinosaurs vs Aliens [Film Drunk]

Finally, BostonSportsThenanNow is doing a sports blog shin dig at West Side Johnnies. Smartybarrett and I will emerge from seclusion and will be attending this event, most likely heavily inebriated. If you actually want to meet us, you should register and come along as well! [Boston Sports Blogapalooza]

Don't Blame us blame Google

It seems like Bloggers mainframe system has been hacked or destroyed, probably by Al Queda or Darth Vader. I don't know, I'm a blogger not a programmer. Please be patient as these nincompoops fix whatever the hell is wrong and restore the last four posts that magically deleted. Don't worry SmartyBarrett and myself have copies of the previous posts along with two more posts for today and as soon as we know this crap show ends we will post them.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

The Mass Hysteria Interview Series: Mary Paoletti

Mass Hysteria isn't all about dick jokes, sarcastic digs at New York baseball players and tributes to dead wrestlers. Occasionally someone in the mainstream media actually reads our site, and more shockingly ENJOYS IT. Back in May of 2010, GHABB,Y~! wrote a guest piece for CSNNE for an up and coming blogger named Mary Paoletti. We thought it over and eventually wrote a piece on the Celtics and the playoffs. At the time we had no idea that Mary Paoletti would become the biggest sports media star in Boston since Jack Edwards. On the anniversary of that unholy union, Mary was gracious enough to return the favor and agreed to an interview with BCHysteria. Why would she agree to such a thing? One of the many questions she answers in our EXCLUSIVE interview.

Mary, you have risen quickly through the ranks at Comcast Sports New England. How did you get your start? Can you talk a little bit about your rise to the role of reporter and host?

I wrote a sports blog after I graduated from UConn in 2008. Somebody at CSNNE found and liked my writing enough to send me a note about doing a weekly Red Sox wrap for Wicked Good Sports. That lead to more freelance writing about NCAA hockey and hoops. I was hired full-time in June of 2010.

I’m kind of a utility player now. It’s trial by fire.

"Belichick’s conference call is at noon. Got that?"

"Hey, can you cover this Chiarelli press conference?"

"We need you at Game 1 on Saturday."

Do a good job and they give you more responsibility. ...Makes sense.

Quick Slants was a curveball. I’d never done TV, never really had an interest in it. But Tom Curran came into our office one day and starting giving me crap. I gave it back. Apparently, he decided then and there that I should be his co-host. Just your average Cinderella story.

Ok the whole world is dying to know: Fuck/Marry/Kill: Danny Woodhead, Josh Beckett, Milan Lucic

This is the kind of question I can’t answer in an interview, but would probably answer at a bar.

What is your all time favorite Boston Sports moment?

That I was alive and/or present for? Game 1 of Boston’s 2010 Eastern Conference Semifinals. I’ll never forget seeing Savard score that OT goal live. He hadn’t played hockey in almost two months. That celebration, jumping on the glass and tossing his stick, was some of the purest joy I’ve ever seen. And my brother’s wife gave birth to their first baby last year, so, yeah. Think about that.

I'm surprised you agreed to do this interview given my extreme hatred of Jim Calhoun, but this year the Huskies could smear it in my face again. As a UConn grad you must have loved the men's basketball tournament this year. How did you celebrate?

By bawling. That night I cried more than Adam Morrison has ever cried in his life. Except my tears were liquid awesome and his were salty droplets of failure. It’s stressful to talk trash for a full season and then have your team fall flat on their muzzles. Consistently. After getting your hopes way, way up.

Burning furniture and cars is more the tradition, but all of the inanimate objects nearby at the time were mine. Why would I burn my own stuff? That’d be stupid.

You don't seem like the type that would associate with dungeon dwellers like us bloggers. What blogs do you read?

I read a lot of blogs. The ones that make me laugh, like Mass Hysteria, are my favorites: Days of Y’Orr, Surviving Grady, Kissing Suzy Kolber, Sports Pickle, Melt Your Face-Off. I do check in on Barstool from time to time. It’s awkward though when our nice, elderly secretary walks by my desk and I’m scrolling by “Guess That Ass.” Oh, well.

Even with all the highs we have had in Boston, things haven't all been roses here lately. What Boston sports moment blew the hardest for you?

There are two that stand out. One is Whalercanes/Bruins Game 7 in 2009. I was at the Garden for that game, for Scott Walker’s garbage goal. I just collapsed into my seat.

More recently, New England’s loss to the Jets last season had a professional lameness to it. 1. I had to report from the Jets locker room afterward. 2. If the Patriots had won, I would have gone to Dallas for the Super Bowl.

You're now a Boston girl, what bars in the area do you like to hit up? I'm only asking so Smarty and I, along with all of our readers can stalk you.

Good to know.

I’ve got a few favorites scattered around the area. Boston: The Lower Depths, The Palm (My aunt tends bar there. She’s awesome. Also, this bar is where I saw John Lackey the night before Game 3 of the 2009 ALDS. My friends and I joked about giving him the Nancy Kerrigan treatment. Probably should have.) Brighton: Devlins, Porter Belly’s. Somerville: The Independent, Christopher’s.

Yo baby, can I buy you a drink? (What's your drink of choice?)

Hah! I have a thing for espresso martinis. Fancy, right? During fall I drink Sam Adams Octoberfest; it’s playoff baseball beer. I always drink Guinness before going to NBA games for fun. A 16 oz Brubaker at Sully’s was the norm after hockey, but I hear they don’t sell them anymore.

What has been your favorite moment so far working for CSNNE?

Favorite moment happened after I did a 40-minute interview with Zdeno Chara. He said I asked him great, interesting questions that nobody has ever posed to him in his career. To hear that from a guy who’s been in the NHL since '98-99 was awesome.

Do you have a favorite Boston athlete to cover/interview?

Tough question. Sammy Morris is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. Rob Gronkowski always makes me laugh — even better that he usually doesn’t even mean to. There’s no favorite, though. We’ll see as I go.

Has an athlete ever hit on you? What line did he use? (obviously don't use his name)

Some funny locker room moments have happened, but none of the guys have ever hit on me. I consider that a point of pride. You get back the vibe that you put off and I’m not looking to get picked up by athletes.

Is there anyone you would like to meet so far that you haven't in the Boston sports scene? I can pull some strings if need be...

For me?! You guys are the best.

The list is long. I still (quietly) geek out when I look up from my desk and see Tommy Heinsohn lumber through the office. And, in Prague, I was standing outside the Bruins locker room after a game when an older gentleman asked me a question. It was Johnny Bucyk. It seems like if I keep rolling along, these meetings will keep happening. Which rules.

Like how I just threw "in Prague" out there, by the way? That made me sound like such an a-hole. Whatever. Prague was amazing. I’m not sorry.

I've got to ask, you seem like a nice normal person, what the hell are you doing reading Mass Hysteria?

Mass Hysteria is hysterical and you can probably tell by now that 'funny' is my weakness. I have a wicked, often inappropriate sense of humor. Like with your Red Sox charity wines post the other day. The idea of Jed Lowrie’s BLOOD OF CHRIST wine hit me just the right, wrong way. That make sense?

You have a fantastic job right now, but you must have other aspirations as well. What are some other things we may see Mary Paoletti doing in the future?

Well, thanks! All I’ve ever wanted to be is a writer. You know whose job I would love? Charlie Pierce. I’m a super-geek who loves writing long form stuff like he does for SI. That’s a long way off, though. I’ve still got reps to do.

You’re safe for now, Pierce.

Check out what Mary is up to at Comcast Sports New England, and follow her on Twitter at twitter.com/Mary_Paoletti.