The holiest of holy weeks is over, let us bow our heads and give thanks. Let us rejoice and be glad.
Wait, you thought I was talking about Easter? Fuck that shit, I'm talking about the Celtics, Bruins, and Red Sox! Do you realize that NONE of these teams have lost since TUESDAY? And since none of them play tonight, we're going to go an entire freakin' WEEK without a loss. So let's try and recap this awesome weekend that was.
John Lackey pitched 8 shutout innings... Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched 8 shutout innings... Carl Crawford hit a home run...
That's three of the four horsemen, people! Get under your desks or into your basements and prepare for the rapture! Judgment day is nigh!
Ahem, sorry, where was I? Oh yes, the Red Sox are undergoing a serious statistical correction right now, so sit back and watch the math geeks gloat, as guys with ERAs around 15.00 pitch like Koufax and guys with SLG% around 0.200 go deep. I hate to get greedy, but maybe Varitek can get in on this shit? Either way, the formerly 2-10 Sox are now 10-11 and only a half game out of 2nd place. What a difference a week makes. I think this is the team everyone was expecting, so now we can settle in for what should be quite a fun season.
I'm going to assume most die-hard Bruins fans are dead at this point, between a combination of multiple heart attacks and liver failure, but for those still with us, dare I say, HOW ABOUT THOSE MOTHERFUCKING BRUINS?!?!?! Yeah, the past two games haven't been the best for your mental health, your general well-being, or your internal organs, but holy fucking goddamn shit-balls shit. They continue to find a way to win games in edge-of-your-seat, heart-stopping, Emilio-Estevez-starring-movie fashion. Now can they please, PLEASE win Tuesday night like 11-0? Christ, this is only the first round. I mean, I know I'm not going to live past forty, but don't make it so abundantly clear.
And finally, the Celtics. A perfect way to wrap it up, with a team that wrapped it up yesterday. Look, if anyone had told me coming into this series that the C's were going to sweep, I would have told you you're crazy. I mean sure I thought they were going to win, but 4 straight against a team with Amar'e and Carmelo? I don't really buy into the cliché that "teams elevate their level of play and save their best stuff for the playoffs", but so far the C's are shutting me up in that regard. And four different leading scorers in four different games? How many teams in the playoffs can do that, seriously? Plus, with the timely disposal of the Knicks, the Celtics can get some rest, Spike Lee can return to making shitty movies (and still wear ridiculous hats), and hopefully the Sixers can give the Heat some fight before Miami moves on to play the C's.
And let's end with a prayer:
Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will guide Lebron to a miss of another clutch shot in the final seconds. Amen.