Saturday, April 30, 2011

Your "What The Hell Are The Patriots Doing In The NFL Draft?" Update


So as we get get started into the final day of the draft, let's see how our beloved Pats are looking. BCHysteria gave us a fantastic preview on Thursday, so I thought I would revisit it and have a look-see at the Pats progress.

"The Patriots have absolutely no pass rush, no top of the line RB, and big time needs on the Offensive Line."

Belichick addressed one of those needs right away, by taking Nate Solder, a beast of an offensive lineman from Colorado. Guy is a physical beast, has a ton of football intelligence by all accounts, and a huge ceiling. He was arguably the best offensive lineman on the board, for what it's worth. I am 100% on board with this first-round pick, providing more protection for Brady and possibly replacing lover-of-fat-chick-porn Matt Light, who is likely gone at this point. One area of need, addressed! And shockingly, BB traded their other first-round pick! Who saw that coming?!?! ...oh, everyone. Ahem. OK, let's move on.

"With pick #33 the Patriots will draft, a CB, true we have about 9 CB's, but WE GO WITH BEST PLAYER ON THE BOARD."

....Wow. So BCHysteria NAILED it. (That's what she said?) But I'm actually going to go ahead and disagree with him here, even though he gets mad props for calling this one. Look, the Pats D was incredibly weak in all phases last year, and by taking CB Ras-I Dowling, the Pats likely upgrade their secondary. Plus, Kyle Arrington is probably gone, so there was a need, albeit a minor one. Still, any chance they have to improve the D, I can't hate on it.

BCHysteria also mentioned a need for a RB above. So the Pats got one! OK, maybe not top-flight, but they got a versatile one in Shane Vereen. So, OK! Still no D-Line/Linebacker addressed, but OK. So they're filling some holes. (Insert joke here.) Alright. So they got an O-Lineman, they upgraded some D, and they snagged a running back. I'm cool with it!

Then they drafted ANOTHER running back. Stevan Ridley. Still no defensive help.

THEN they drafted a QB! I believe BCHysteria said:

"Belichick will fail to address the lack of pass rush and will draft, oh let's throw a dart at a board...Jake Locker. Hey why the hell not right? Tom Brady isn't getting any younger."

Nailed it again, except not Locker. Ryan Mallett. I'll smoke a joint to that! Woo hoo, off the field issues! Although to be fair, if they avoided guys who have ever smoked weed, they'd be 50 guys short of a full 54-man roster. So, fine. I guess. But still - NO D-LINE! NO LINEBACKERS! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING?!?!

And this just in. The Pats just drafted Marcus Cannon. An O-Lineman with cancer. Literally.

Now I'm CONVINCED Belichick is fucking with us...

Friday, April 29, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics


Good morning losers, hope your all enjoying this non descript, un special day of the week. Is everybody looking forward to the weekend? Weekend? I know I am as I sit at home, watching the Mel Kiper robot drone on and on about "CAM NEWTON IS A SPECIAL PLAYER" & "BOWERS IS AN INJURY RISK, BOWERS IS AN INJURY RISK" , but first gotta get my bowl, and eat my cereal. Last night we had the annual NFL players draft, which awoke Chris Berman from his slumber to create obnoxious catch phrases such as "The night before the royal wedding, the Giants pick a Prince". Dar Dar dar, you're so fucking witty Berman! Does ESPN honestly think people still relate to him or find him entertaining? Wait they are the same company that still employs Cris Carter, John Kruk and Tony Kornheiser....that answers my question.

The Patriots didn't surprise really anyone with their strategy as they did what they needed to do: address a need at OL and trade the other first round pick for two more picks. Nate Solder, a monster offensive lineman from Colorado is going to join the Patriots O line that in all likelihood is going to lose Logan Mankins, Matt Light and Nick Kaczur. Solder is a straight up beast, possibly the best OL prospect in the draft, so I was very happy with the pick. Though it kind of hurt my heart to see the Pats pass on my boy Anthony Castonzo, and then watch AC fall to the Colts. But all in all it wasn't a bad first round; Belichick didn't take a pick and draft a position of no need, so most observers were happy. Other people, people who never watch college football games but get incensed when the one player they have heard isn't drafted (MARK INGRAM COUGH), however had differing views:

My boy John Dennis tweeted the following:

Who ? Both Kiper and Gruden had critical evaluations of Solder, for what that's worth

Of course Dennis, because Jon Gruden is a fantastic evaluator of talent. "THIS GUY MISSED A BLOCK ON THAT GUY. LOOK AT THIS GUY'S FOOT WORK!" And Mel Kiper and that haircut shit on the Pats last year for drafting McCourty, so that should ruin whatever credibility that "expert" has. Dennis then went on to argue with some Pats fans and left it at that. On a side note, John Dennis you're a coward, you rip on me and Boston College absolutely unprovoked on Twitter, then when I respond you block me. Just like every loud mouth on the #2 sports radio station in Boston, you can't handle criticism. I can't wait until T&R nail your coffin closed and you move on to some other market that enjoys quasi racism, Ann Coulter verbal cunnilingus, and those Tea Party Lunatics.

On another note, if Bill Belichick doesn't address the Patriots horseshit pass rush with at least two picks today, I'm going to punt my dog through my television.

On to other news, the Red Sox won again. HURRAY. I missed the entire game because of the draft, but it appears that Adrian Gonzalez is good at baseball. Maybe the Red Sox should offer him a large contract for his services. Even if he only has one home run so far on the season. THE GREATEST TEAM NEVER!!!!!! returns home this weekend for a series with the Mariners. After losing two out of three to the Orioles, seeing the Mariners on the schedule will soothe whatever ails them. Tonight, the new transformed Dice K Matzu-I DESTROY ALL NON BELIEVERS IN MY PATH-aka takes the hill against Jason Vargas.

Any thoughts on the draft or last nights game? Leave it in the comments.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bill Belichick's Wet Dream Happens Again Tonight


I get very excited about the NFL Draft, probably because I am one of seven college football fans in Massachusetts (GHABBY moving out of state because of extortion threats from the Irish Mob, and Smartybarrett couldn't name two ACC QB's if you paid him) . I love watching what happens to the big names, who will be the next JaMarcus Russell, homoerotic player profiles on ESPN, how will the Redskins screw up their draft, and of course what the fuck is Bill Belichick doing? And you have come here to read my insight, instead of listening to the drivel coming out of Cris Carter.

This year the Patriots are going into the draft with 4, yes FOUR picks in the first two rounds. You have to be smoking weed laced with quinine if you think that they are going to leave with those four picks. Come on folks, you know Belichick is going to send one of those picks back to the Raiders for their first round draft picks for the next fifteen years. This is one of the first years that I PRAY that Belichick uses all of those picks, because let's face it the Patriots have tons of holes (that's what she said). The Patriots have absolutely no pass rush, no top of the line RB, and big time needs on the Offensive Line. No seriously, our pass rush SUCKS, and what scares me is that it has SUCKED for a long time. Rational person would predict the Patriots would go after spots of weaknesses, but every year Belichick seems to just stick out his middle finger and draft whatever the hell he positions he wants.

So what do I think will happen?

With his first pick Belichick will fail to address the lack of pass rush and will draft, oh let's throw a dart at a board...Jake Locker. Hey why the hell not right? Tom Brady isn't getting any younger. Okay with the second pick, Belichick trades it, because god forbid he build depth with first rounders. Let's get eight seventh rounders instead! With pick #33 the Patriots will draft, a CB, true we have about 9 CB's, but WE GO WITH BEST PLAYER ON THE BOARD. And with the fourth pick, he drafts a kicker, because we can't risk Gostkowski going down again. There we go, that sound Belichick rationale. And to answer his critics Belichick fills the holes on defense with Junior Seau, Willie McGinest and Roosevelt Colvin. COME ON DOODS WE ARE MAKIN' DA SUPER BOWL WOOOOO!!!!

The Bruins Win, But Somehow Continue to Take Years Off Our Lives


After listening to and reading about as much as I could regarding the Bruins yesterday, I still couldn't decide how I felt come game-time. On one hand, the Bruins were probably the better team. On the other, they ALWAYS seem to lose games like this. So when I checked into the bar last night, the best way to describe the atmosphere was cautious optimism. Even when the Bruins jolted to a 2-0 lead, it was still eerily quiet. And when the Habs came back and tied it 2-2, an even more pronounced hush fell upon the crowd. And that's how it stayed, even when the Bruins went up 3-2, it was edge-of-your-seat intensity.

Until the game-winner. It was like the entire North End of Boston exploded. People were rushing into the streets, horns were honking, beers were being chugged. The Bruins had won their first-round series. But somehow it all seemed anticlimactic.

Maybe it's because they CAN'T FUCKING SCORE ON THE POWER PLAY. Maybe it's because they should have killed that team. But I ended up feeling very unsatisfied last night. I wanted more. I wanted the two Habs fans near me at the bar to look at each other after the game winner, nod, and each swallow a cyanide pill. I wanted PK Subban to take the podium post-game, and holding back tears and pants-shitting, announce his retirement. "Once I realized that I was a soft, sniveling pussy in a game of men, I knew it was time to hang it up." Then someone sneezes and he falls down. I wanted to go on Twitter and find a Habs fan live-tweeting his seppuku, play-by-play.

I guess it boils down to the fact that I still don't have a good feeling about this Bruins playoff run yet. I don't think anyone does. And call me foolish, but I don't know if I'll be satisfied unless they win the Cup. On the plus side, the Flyers are next, and the B's owe those fuckers something from last year. And maybe Philly's shit goaltending will break the Bruins out of their power play slump. If they can't beat Montreal again, this the next best thing. And maybe if they get past Philly I'll feel a little more confident. Or maybe they're going to need to win a goddamn Cup.

So let's win a goddamn Cup.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Life as a Pink Hat Bruins Fan


I will be the first to admit: I am a Pink Hat, a loathsome detestable creature out to ruin your sports experience. Wel,l at least this is true when it comes to following the Boston Bruins. During the regular season, I probably could count the number of games I watched on one hand. I only watched those games because they were being shown at the bar where I was imbibing copious amounts of booze. I know next to nothing about the team, I could probably name about 5-6 players, and haven't the slightest clue who 98% of the players are in the NHL. Who had the most points this year? I don't know, Joe Thornton? Vezina winner? Dominick Hasek, he still play? I don't even know who won the Stanley Cup last year. Worst of all, last week I was listening to the Bruins game on 98.5 and I honestly had a hard time distinguishing between Canadiens and Bruins players. Hell I don't even have a clue what position Milan Lucic plays; I assume its a winger, but I'm not sure. I know this post is going to draw a lot of readers scorn, but I am okay with that, I need to be honest about this. What can I say, I've completely lost touch with the NHL. But when it come to playoff hockey, I transform into a rabid fan. Am I a bandwagon Bruins fan? Absolutely. Does that make me a pink hat? Sure.

My relationship with the Bruins was not always like this. I was once like all of you. I grew up in a Bruins fan, my Dad loved hockey, and took me to the rink all the time as a kid to play, I loved the game even though my backwards skating left a lot to be desired. I grew up watching Andy Moog, Ray Bourque, Cam Neely, and Don Sweeney, and NHL '94 was by far my favorite Sega Genesis game (and I was great at making players bleed from the head). But then things changed, Ray Bourque went to the Avalanche, and the Bruins began to really really suck. Sergei Samsonov turned out to be a giant bust, and worst of all a series of lockouts killed my interest in the league. None of the players really interested me, and worst of all as a teenager, the media was tuning out as well, which didn't help me at all. My mind wandered to football, Celtics, and Boston College sports. The Bruins became a thing of my past, suddenly I found myself not giving a shit at all about the Bruins. I started losing track of players names, I didn't care who they were playing and when, and the NHL itself seemed completely uninteresting to me.

Even as my interest in the NHL crawled to a still, I still love hockey, but most of the time I would rather watch BC in the Frozen Four, or the Olympics, then the Bruins and Nashville. But every postseason things seem to change those feelings. Bruins playoff hockey becomes must watch TV, I try my damnedest to get excited about the four or five players I can name. GO TUUKKAAA. Heck, this weekend I even shut off the Red Sox to watch the Bruins game, something I would have never have done two weeks ago. This seems to be the trend for me, get excited for Bruins playoffs, watch them fail miserably, and then get disinterested in them again until the playoffs roll around the following season. Repeat. For you who go to Bruins games and have a mustard stained Patrice Bergeron jersey, I understand how annoying assholes like me are. As a Red Sox fan who gets homicidal when he has to sit behind cackling girls who can't name the Sox starting pitcher, let alone the opposing team, I understand how enraging pink hats can be. They steal your tickets, they co-op the blood, sweat and tears you put into your team, and their lack of knowledge is a gross insult to your fan base. But what can I say, I am a bandwagoner who is strapped in right now, enjoying the ride. But if the Bruins lose tomorrow, I can easily say they will be put on the shelf until next April, when I can blow the dust off my pink Bruins hat, ready for another exciting NHL playoffs.

Breakfast with the Hysterics


I assume most of you, like me, are hunched over this morning from the nut-punch we all received last night as we flipped back and forth between the Bruins and Sox. Frankly, that's why this post is going up so late. Try Lunch with the Hysterics. Or better yet, Liquid Lunch with the Hysterics. Yes, that's the ticket.

First the Sox, because we'll move in order from least shitty to most shitty. Any nerd (me) would have told you that Clay Buchholz was in for a bit of a regression this season. But also, these nerds (me) didn't think it was going to suck this much. I mean, he didn't pitch all that bad last night, but fuck man, even Daisuke and Lackey are kicking ass at this point. Fall in! To be fair, it's hard to win a game when you only score one run. But on the bright side, Jason Varitek got a hit, raising his slugging percentage to a jaw-dropping 0.133. Someone test this man's piss!

And keeping with the theme, the Bruins also lost. In shit-tastic fashion, might I add, with equal parts shit, poop, and crap officiating. GOD, THE FUCKING OFFICIATING. I'm not usually one to bitch stuff like this, but one can only think that much like Norm McDonald, the maple tree, and the band Rush, those zebras had a pro-Canada bias last night. Fuckers. Still, this ain't over, and I'm sure not down on the B's just yet, because I really truly think they're better than Montreal. And we all knew this was going to go the disatance anyway. Plus, I'd rather the B's win it in their house. It's their time.

Game 7 tonight. Let's fuck 'em up.

Monday, April 25, 2011



Dear Owners,

Eat shit and die.


Football Fans of America

Alternate Titles to Derek Jeter's Book


So this morning news broke that Captain Clutch (no, not Captain StrikeoutMachine, he's a different entity) was penning a book. Yawn. Jeter has never been forthcoming about anything, so I imagine this book will be about as interesting as the autobiography of a 45-year-old knuckleballer with the personality of a brick wall. "The Captain" has to be the most clichéd name of a book since "Curse Reversed", so we at Mass Hysteria worked on some alternate names for Jeter's book:

* .601: My 2011 OPS

* Herpes, A Journey

* Two Feet To My Left, Two Feet To My Right: The Daunting Challenges Of Fielding

* Batting Leadoff: Derek Jeter, A Horror Story

* My Life And Times Banging Girls That Are Out Of Your League

* 3 Years And 51 Million Dollars For A 36-Year-Old Shortshop: A Comedy

* The Great Gold Glove Heist Of 2009... followed by
The Great Gold Glove Heist Of 2010... (with special spoiler to 2011 sequel)

* Declining Skill Sets: A Retrospective

Yours in the comments.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

The holiest of holy weeks is over, let us bow our heads and give thanks. Let us rejoice and be glad.

Wait, you thought I was talking about Easter? Fuck that shit, I'm talking about the Celtics, Bruins, and Red Sox! Do you realize that NONE of these teams have lost since TUESDAY? And since none of them play tonight, we're going to go an entire freakin' WEEK without a loss. So let's try and recap this awesome weekend that was.

John Lackey pitched 8 shutout innings... Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched 8 shutout innings... Carl Crawford hit a home run...

That's three of the four horsemen, people! Get under your desks or into your basements and prepare for the rapture! Judgment day is nigh!

Ahem, sorry, where was I? Oh yes, the Red Sox are undergoing a serious statistical correction right now, so sit back and watch the math geeks gloat, as guys with ERAs around 15.00 pitch like Koufax and guys with SLG% around 0.200 go deep. I hate to get greedy, but maybe Varitek can get in on this shit? Either way, the formerly 2-10 Sox are now 10-11 and only a half game out of 2nd place. What a difference a week makes. I think this is the team everyone was expecting, so now we can settle in for what should be quite a fun season.

I'm going to assume most die-hard Bruins fans are dead at this point, between a combination of multiple heart attacks and liver failure, but for those still with us, dare I say, HOW ABOUT THOSE MOTHERFUCKING BRUINS?!?!?! Yeah, the past two games haven't been the best for your mental health, your general well-being, or your internal organs, but holy fucking goddamn shit-balls shit. They continue to find a way to win games in edge-of-your-seat, heart-stopping, Emilio-Estevez-starring-movie fashion. Now can they please, PLEASE win Tuesday night like 11-0? Christ, this is only the first round. I mean, I know I'm not going to live past forty, but don't make it so abundantly clear.

And finally, the Celtics. A perfect way to wrap it up, with a team that wrapped it up yesterday. Look, if anyone had told me coming into this series that the C's were going to sweep, I would have told you you're crazy. I mean sure I thought they were going to win, but 4 straight against a team with Amar'e and Carmelo? I don't really buy into the cliché that "teams elevate their level of play and save their best stuff for the playoffs", but so far the C's are shutting me up in that regard. And four different leading scorers in four different games? How many teams in the playoffs can do that, seriously? Plus, with the timely disposal of the Knicks, the Celtics can get some rest, Spike Lee can return to making shitty movies (and still wear ridiculous hats), and hopefully the Sixers can give the Heat some fight before Miami moves on to play the C's.

And let's end with a prayer:

Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will guide Lebron to a miss of another clutch shot in the final seconds. Amen.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

What's a Twitter?

Dennys Reyes moving to his natural habitat. The Ocean of Creme Filling and Chocolate Shakes

Hope everyone out there in Hysteria land is having a great weekend, I certainly am. Celtics won last night, kicking the piss out of the hapless Knicks, the Sox won AGAIN, and I slept in until 10 this morning. Winning all around.

Why the weekend post? Consider this a public service announcement from your editors here at Mass Hysteria.

Do you have Twitter? Want to see what SmartyBarrett thinks about Jason Varitek? Interested in how GHABBY can make Hack Saw Jim Duggan sound relevant? Thinking about mocking BCHysteria for his user name? Then head on over to Twitter! Haven't joined yet? DO IT NOW, YOU ARE MISSING EVERYTHING!

Here are some of the tweets that haven't been tweeted yet, but thanks to the lovely website That Can Be My Next Tweet, you can have a sneak preview of things to come:


Do you should welcome to deal with my girlfriend an idea for Thanksgiving OH MY GOD MARK HERZLICH TWEETED.

BC needs more closeted racists who hasn't coached at Harvard. Commence Knicks fan bitchin SOMEONE COVER HIM?

You *LOSE*! You forgot mediocre film maker Fuck Marry Kill with some followers!


Per MLB's transactions page, LHP Dennys Reyes. I always drink going down. Snow.

Daisuke two scoreless? Patriots Day magic! Sure fire sign of the first pitch he can use in the Big East?

Tony Mazz: Days like sex in the first pitch. Calhoun is perfectly legal in that he's not called.

Bos_To_Cha: that make it? SHOCK AWE HORROR Celtics are you like Wofford because everyone today seems so Sad?

*That Hardbody Harrison look like the first U MAD FEDOR? LOVE, DANA WHITE holy shit just isn't being!

*coughcoughsharethelovecough* Tonight the Gators win tonight They have corned beef on the Bible Belt

Friday, April 22, 2011

Tales from the West Coast. Baseball Games in the Wee Hours of the Morning

Before I go over last night's game, can I just go on a diatribe for a minute? What you don't want me to? Tough crap. I hate you West Coast, and I especially hate your stupid time zone. Why the hell do we on the East Coast have to suffer because you start games at 10pm our time? Unlike you Californians who just lay around smoking weed with Snoop Dogg, surfing some gnarly waves, and munching on In and Out burgers, we East Coastians have to work in the AM because we have jobs. Since I graduated college, I don't think I've ever stayed up late enough to finish a West Coast game because they all seem to finish at like 2am EST. Last night was no different.

Do ya'll remember the 2007 Josh Beckett? He was the ace of our staff, filled with piss, vulgar language, and enough Texas hillbilly to make Jed Clampett blush. After he anchored our staff to a World Series, and cashed in, good ole' Beckett decided to take the next few seasons off. But this year is different; it's like 2007 all over again. Maybe he got bullshit at all the press clippings from the past few years ripping on him. But whatever it is, I like it, he is kicking ass, taking names, and having sex with your girlfriend while you watch...because that's how Beckett rolls. Beckett didn't allow a hit until the 6th inning last night, when Erick Aybar (I think that's who it is, the entire infield of the Los Angeles Disney Angels of California Pasadena Lays Chips Oakland are made up of basically the same player) hit the cheapest hit possible, a smash that bounced off the plate about 800 feet in the air.

But alas, Beckett didn't get the win, mainly because our vaunted lineup still has games where they leave 8,000 runners on base. Also for some reason Francona thought it would be a good idea to have Carl Crawford bunt with no outs and 2 on, in a scoreless game, with Captain Strikeout Machine on deck. Side note: Jason Varitek has got to be in the discussion for "worst player in baseball right now". He can't hit, he can't throw, he can't run, he swings at everything, he just plain sucks. If you can prove me wrong I'll shut up about him. That turned out well. The only offense I saw was pink hat heart throb Jacoby Ellsbury driving in two, which was quickly eradicated when Torii "I hate Boston because the town hates black people" Hunter blasted a two run home run off of Beckett. Then, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Like many West Coast games, I left the TV on, and woke up, confused. Now it's the 11th inning and Jonathan ContractYearbon is in, and somehow the Red Sox have a 4-2 lead. Sure ok, let's try and finish this off, and win this. ContractYearbon lets up a walk, and a bloop single, this is getting scary again, oh shit go back to that dream where Kristen Bell takes me in her arms and we make sweet sweet love for hours, it's better than watching an Angels walkoff. But then Paps did something he has been doing well lately, that he didn't do at all last year, he got out of the jam. Red Sox win. Five out of the last 6. We made it through our entire rotation with ALL of our starters pitching light outs, so maybe just maybe this season isn't completely lost after all.

Breakfast with the, screw it. BRUINS WIN! WOOOOOOO!

Playoff. Fucking. Hockey.

OK, so I fully admit to being a fairweather hockey fan. I never miss a Red Sox or Patriots or URI basketball game. I rarely miss a Celtics' game. But hockey? Unless it's like a big Bruins/Habs regular season game, I'm content for someone to not wake me until the playoffs. Judge me if you must; 5 or 6 years ago, I couldn't name 3 NHL players, let alone 3 Bruins. If anything, I think I deserve a little recognition, goddamnit! I've come a long way!

Last night, I think you saw why certain people are inclined to wait for the playoffs before tuning in. I mean, that was some sick-ass, edge-of-your-seat, crazy motherfuckin' hockey that you can only find in the playoffs. I usually relegate screaming at my TV to basketball, football, and when Hideki Okajima is pitching, but I'm certainly making an exception this series. Just ask my neighbors.

Last night was huge for a multitide of reasons. Down 2-1, can't lose, must win, down 3-1 sucks, blah blah blah. I think the best thing about last night is Montreal had arguably their best offensive game of the series...and the Bruins STILL won. The Canadiens were just killing it in the Bruins zone, especially in the first and second period, and Boston outlasted it. It wasn't the best performance by the B's defense, but when you can still take a game going away like that, it's huge. Ryder, Kelly, and Ference all played awesome, even if the B's can't get a power play going to save their life. They might not need it to win this series.

Oh, and speaking of Ference, I don't care what anyone says, he did what we all were thinking.

Fuck you Montreal.

Especially you, Subban.

Go Bruins.

(shout to SBNation for the pic)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What'd We Miss? Two Years of Sports News Condensed to One Post


As we've already mentioned, it's been close to two years since we last posted regularly here at Mass Hysteria, since that time a lot has happened that you probably wanted to know our thoughts on...well here it goes in no particular order. There was a lot to comb through, and I probably missed something, so throw in suggestions in the comments.

  • After losing his house, kids and car to Isaiah Thomas in a game of poker, Danny Ainge seceded control of the Celtics for one day on February 24, 2011. Thomas proceeded to trade Perkins to the Thunder for Jeff Green. Unfortunately Thomas had to give the team back at the end of the day, before he could give Green a max contract.
  • Pete Sheppard got canned at WEEI, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
  • The Red Sox managed to win 90 games in 2010, even with Henry Rowengartner, Roy Hobbs, and Bugs Bunny filling in for injured starters.
  • Randy Moss went from #1 WR with a huge payday ahead, to Brett Favre's bitch, to "Hey what happened to Randy Moss?" in about a span of a month.
  • Raquel is off the market.
  • Toucher and Rich finally won the ratings war, taking out the Grand Wizards over at WEEI.
  • Though I know nothing about the Bruins, I do know that Zdeno Chara is a marked man in Montreal, and those powdered wigged judges can really dole out some harsh justice if he ever steps foot in Canada again
  • BC lost to Harvard
  • The Celtics were in control over the Lakers, then Perk tore the fuck out of his knee, and we all watched Big Baby get absolutely owned by Pau Gasol, and the scummiest scum bag Kobe Bryant won ANOTHER title.
  • Frank Spaziani took over at BC, and returned the program back to the level of mediocrity the program had missed for years during the Matt Ryan era.
  • Something called Ke$ha happened.
  • Lebron James showed in the playoffs that he is a player that can carry a team, and was much deserving of his own television show to announce he was "taking his talents to south beach"
  • BC lost to Harvard, again
  • Ray Allen set the record of most three pointers in a career. Cheryl Miller's brother was on hand to congratulate him on the accomplishment.
  • Brett Favre sent text messages of his dong to Jenn Sterger. I just hope he used lines from the chorus of the Whisper Song to set the tone for his pics.
  • Manny fulfilled his dreams to emulate Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior and have his own child. Oh the miracles of fertility drugs!
  • BC trotted out a 25 year old QB named Dave Shinskie. After watching him throw for a season and a half it was easy to see why no one recruited him to play football when he was 18.
  • "Daniel Nava is starting for the Red Sox?" Good lord that was a long season.
  • The Patriots won the 2010 and 2011 Super Bowl after trouncing the Jets and Ravens, and all was great in the world.
  • Kevin Faulk was injured early in the season, and his role as "do everything back" was taken over by Danny Woodhead. Being small, quick, and most importantly white, he overnight became the most popular Patriots player on the team.
  • Theo Epstein decided to spend the GDP of Cambodia, Kenya and Ethiopia to sign his binky Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford to obscene contracts.
  • BC lost to Harvard a third time
  • The G Funk Era officially came to an end with the death of Nate Dogg.

A Bet Made

This afternoon over at the now vacant Gillette Stadium (sorry the Revolution doesn't count), the UMass Safety School Minutemen announced that they are going to be a FBS Division 1 School. They are set to join the MAC and compete against perennial power houses Kent State, Eastern Michigan and Larry's Plumbing and Heating. Well at dinner tonight over drinks, my friend and reader DALE! started talking shit about my beloved Boston College.


etc etc.

Well I had heard enough, I told DALE! to put his money where his mouth is and made him what I feel is a very generous bet. If BC loses to UMass in the next ten years he will have a night of drinking on me, if not he owes me the same. I can't imagine BC is going to lose to that joke of a school in western Mass, but then again I have been wrong. Hysterics, I ask you, did I make a wise bet?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

We Need A Little Controversy...


So anyone who hasn't been living under a rock lately knows that Jed Lowrie has been, how do I put this... TEARING SHIT UP. I mean, just this past weekend he ripped 14 doubles, crushed 52 homers, batted 8.000, finished 7th in the Boston Marathon, and impregnated your girlfriend AND your ex with one ejaculation.

OK, all joking aside, he has been basically the best Sox hitter all year, and at times it seems he's the ONLY guy in the lineup who's hitting. He has officially relegated Scutaro to the bench and has even started batting in key slots in the lineup, at least until Carl Crawford realizes the season has started. I don't even want to imagine where the Sox would be right now if it weren't for Lowrie. He's been the MVP of this team through the first 16 games, and it's not even close.

Which is why I think the Red Sox should trade him.

OK, if that last line just made your pink hat fly off your head, you should probably stop reading here. If it made your Red Sox belly ring spin around so fast it got caught in your glittery Ellsbury jersey, this isn't the blog for you. May I suggest throwing on the latest Dropkick album and watching Boondock Saints until the next season of Sox Appeal starts up. Look, I am loving what Lowrie is doing as much as the next die-hard fan. But if you're willing to set the homerism down for a second and think about this rationally, then come along this journey with me.

For those that don't know, the Red Sox have a shortstop currently in Pawtucket by the name of Jose Iglesias. He was ranked the team's #2 prospect by Baseball America for 2011, and the #1 prospect is no longer even in the organization (Casey Kelly). BA also named him the best defensive infielder in the system, and projects him to be the Sox starting SS in 2014. He's also currently ranked the #2 prospect on, behind Ryan Kalish. Long story short, the guy is nasty. His defense is already being called Gold Glove caliber, and he's rocketing though the system. He'll be in Boston next year at the latest, and could see some time in the bigs this year, even if it's in September. The organization is high on him and there's no reason they shouldn't be. Simply put, he's the shortstop of the future.

So what does this all mean? What's the point, Smarty? Well, it means that starting next year, there is no place for Jed Lowrie on this team. Youkilis, Pedroia, and Gonzalez are all locked in at 3rd, 2nd, and 1st (respectively) for quite some time, so you can't bounce Lowrie to one of those positions. They could keep him as a backup, but if he's really as good as he has been hitting thus far in 2011, the Sox aren't going to want him wasting away on the bench. And before you suggest trading Iglesias, stop. He's young, he's frankly too damn good, and they want him around for the foreseeable future. Which leaves trading Lowrie.

Yeah, I know, it sucks. Especially since you just bought your new JEDi WARRIOR t-shirt. You know the one with Lowrie as Luke Skywalker, and instead of a lightsaber, he has A BAT?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And remember your Facebook status the other day that said "Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed" and like 8 of your friends liked it?!?! COME ON!

But let's be real here - his value is so high right now, the Sox should cash in while the can. They could probably get a BOATLOAD for him. And it's not quitting on the season and it's not rebuilding and it's not RUININ' YA SUMMAH! It's a smart business decision that can get your stud prospect to the majors a little sooner. And it's maximizing your return for a guy whose days with this team are numbered anyway. So if you're on board, turn off your Dropkick's CD and throw on some Bailamos... and get ready for Iglesias time.

BCHysteria Update: Poll added up on Facebook, head over and voice your opinion!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dear Spike Lee...


First of all, let me say how cute it is that your Knicks are in the playoffs for the first time since 2004. It's so great that your team finally got into the postseason in a sport that allows more than half its teams into the playoffs every year! Watch out Clippers, the Knicks are in the lottery no more! Wait, you sold all your first round picks anyways for the Eddy Currys of the world, nevermind.

Also, I would like to mention that you used to be a fantastic filmmaker. Mars Blackmon helped make Michael Jordan. Do the Right Thing was fantastic. He Got Game had the best acting by a basketball player since Kareem in "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh." And Denzel did a great job in Malcolm X, or as the Romans called it, "Malcolm Ten". You're way better than John Singleton, and and way WAY better than Tyler Perry.

Still, it seems that the Celtics, they of the 17 banners to the Knicks' two (and none since 1973) seem to be raining on the Knicks' parade, and, in turn, yours. You (or Mars) must be wondering why such a thing is happening? Why are the C's snatching victory away in the final seconds? How could the Knicks lose with Amare scoring 28 in Game 1 and Carmelo scoring 42 in Game 2? How could the most beloved team in the NBA, in its much-anticipated return to the postseason promised land, be going out like this?

The Karma Gods, you must be thinking, are paying you back for your 2005 comments regarding the Basketball Jesus. Yes, those in which you called Him "the most overrated player of all time" and a creation of "the white media." Either that, you figure, is screwing your karmically, or it must be your portrayal of the "evil white guy in a Bird t-shirt" in Do The Right Thing.

But it's not that. Nor is it the string of bombs you've produced since "Summer of Sam," ranging from "Bamboozled" to "She Hate Me" to "25th Hour" to the horrid "Girl 6," which is among the most horrid 108 minutes I've ever spent.

No, your screwing by the Basketball Gods is taking place for one reason, and one reason alone. This 84-minute blowjob to one of the Earth's more loathsome characters:

Celtics 2, Knicks 0. A Spike Lee Joint.

Celtics Game 2 Live Blog


Your "Hey, John Lackey Is Pitching!" Random Tuesday Drinking Game


1. Refer to BC Hysteria's Dice-K drinking game.
2. Replace "Dice-K" with "John Lackey"
3. Replace "Kenyan" with "hot Cali chick"
4. Replace "American leading the Marathon" with "Jermaine O'Neal leading the Celtics in scoring"
5. In regards to the Bruins rule, I now suggest that any time Don and Jerry refer to the Bruins, find something (or preferably someone) Canadian and punch it. Punch it hard.

When I'm Wrong, I am Wrong (Dice K Edition)


If you jumped by Mass Hysteria yesterday, you would have saw an entire drinking game based on the probability that Red Sox pitcher Dice K Matzusaka would get crushed by the Blue Jays. I figured he was pitching like balls, and hadn't given hope that things would change. Well if you played along with the game, you most likely ended up either a) staying depressing sober or b) said screw the game and drank whatever and whenever you want. I hope you picked option B.

Dice K looked awesome yesterday, where the hell did this pitcher come from? I know its the Blue Jays, who are hitting Corey Patterson second, and John McDonald for some reason is still getting at bats, but it was a pretty awesome outing for the Dice. Only 1 hit and 1 walk in 7 innings? Even more surprising was he wasn't leaving the ball over the heart of the place, his fastball all of a sudden had life, and did a great job picking up the corners. It also helped that John Farrell in the is doing everything in his power, to get fired by the end of the season. Between sending runners down by 5, to having Octavio Dotel pitch against lefties, and hitting Patterson 2nd, it was a horribly managed series.

If you read my Twitter (follow me if you haven't already), I was blasting Dice K a week ago just like just about everyone else in Boston. I wanted him released, traded, demoted, deported, tarred/feathered, or rocket shipped to the moon to whatever planet he is from. I compared him to Hideki Irabu, and was fine with Dice losing starts to the rotting corpse of Tim Wakefield, and shockingly agreed with the chumps at Boston Dirt Dogs. One game is a very small sample size, and it is the shit-tastic Blue Jays, but maybe just maybe I jumped to conclusions too quickly. He's our 5th starter, all we need to ask of him is 5 maybe 6 innings of work, and 3 ERs, and he will be fine. Is that going to be too much to ask? Possibly. But after his showing yesterday, maybe, and I hesitate to say this, but the Red Sox greatest enigma, Daisuke Matzusaka could be a serviceable pitcher and not a problem after all.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Your Marathon Monday Drinking Game


Welcome back to Mass Hysteria Sports. After our two year hiatus we have decided that its time to take this blog to the next level. What does that mean? Who the hell knows.

Happy Marathon Monday, or Patriots Day, or "Random Monday Holiday used to punish the liver". If you are like me, and are trying to find a fun interesting way to get inebriated from the comfort of your couch, look no further. All you need for this game is a 30 rack of piss beer, a bottle of vodka/rum/whiskey, and your remote control. Are you ready for this? Are you man enough to make it through my drinking game of death?

* Everytime Dice K walks a batter drink
* Everytime Dice K runs the count full on a batter, drink
* If Dice K throws more than 60 pitches before the 3rd inning, shotgun a beer
* Everytime NESN shows a Kenyan on your screen, drink
* If you can't tell if the runner is a Kenyan or Ethiopian, take a shot of the hard stuff
* If Carl Crawford has a shitty at bat, drink your tears (we have him for 7 years folks!)
* Every time NESN refers to a team that has a better record than the Red Sox, drink.
* For every player the Sox leave on base, drink that number.
* If the Sox go down in order, finish your beer.
* If you are still sober at this point, drink some water dammit, I don't want to be the reason you die.
* If an American is shown leading the marathon, swallow household cleaners, because most likely you are in some sort of dream state, and your actions are irrelevant
* Hey, is Tim Wakefield in the game? Drink three beers, because this game is over.
* Everytime Jed Lowrie has a better at bat than Carl Crawford, drink something small and stout.
* Don and Jerry refer to the Bruins being down two games to the Habs? Scream CLLLLAUUUUDDDEEEE and finish your beer.

Game over. At this point you have noticed that you have painted your face like the Ultimate Warrior and probably have been arrested by the police. Now that my friends, is what Patriot's Day is all about.

Breakfast With the Hysterics


Well good morning everyone. It's true - we're back. After an extended hiatus of booze, hookers, blow, more booze, illegal internet gambling, parole hearings, and still more booze, here we are, ready to jump back in to the Boston Sports blogging scene.

And what a day for the relaunch. Patriots Day, Marathon Monday, Sox winning more than one game in a row, Celtics winning in the playoffs, Bruins... in the playoffs... It's good stuff for Boston sports. And I'm sure BC is doing something that no one cares about, but HZMLS will be sure to keep you poste-- Ah yes, one more change to announce! HZMLS will no longer be known as HZMLS. He is now known as BCHysteria. Same dude, same stupid pathetic nonsensical awesome BC homerism, same dick jokes, just a different name.

So stay tuned, we got GHABB,Y~! in the house talking Celtics, I'll be talking Red Sox, BCHysteria (that's gonna take some getting used to) will be talking some other crap... probably concerning Doug Flutie's favorite professional bowler... but it's all here. As for myself, I'll be taking in the Red Sox game today, and being that it's 8:50 and I'm still sober, I'm WAAAYYYY behind. So enjoy the Monday; hopefully you have it off, and if you want in on my inane drunk banter at the game today, follow me on Twitter. And while you're at it, follow BCHysteria and GHABB,Y~! We're funny and offensive and shit.

And we're back.