Friday, July 15, 2011

Recapping The All Star Break

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Who's ready for the Red Sox to start back up again? Four days without any meaningful baseball (BUT THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!111!!!!) and I'm all kinds of geared up. But before we get back into the swing of things, we at Mass Hysteria have put together a quick little recap of the Home Run Derby and the All Star Game. But as is our style, this isn't just any ordinary recap! May I present: A Mass Hysteria Exclusive! Recapping the Home Run Derby will be ESPN's Chris Berman, and the All Star Game run-down will be handled by Fox's Joe Buck! Take it away, fellas!


THANKS, SMARTY! WELL THE HOME RUN DERBY WAS AN EXCITING ONE AS MANY BOMBS WENT TOWAAARRRDDDSSSSS THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPLISH SPLASH, I WAS TAKING A BATH! SPLASHDOWN! GET ON YOUR SWIM TRUCKS, THAT ONE IS WET! KER-SPLUSH! ANTHATISGONEEE!!!!


AFTER THE FIRST ROUND WE WERE NARROWED DOWN TO DAVID "AND GOLIATH" ORTIZ, "YO" ADRIAN "I DID IT!" GONZALEZ, "HERE'S TO YOU MRS." ROBINSON CANO, AND "GOODNIGHT SWEET" PRINCE FIELDER! AND WHAT A ROUND IT WAS! "THE" PRINCE "AND THE PAUPER" FIELDER HIT ONE BACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACKBACK AND GOOOONNNEEEEE! A MOOOOOOOOOONSHOT! FOR THE LONGEST HOME RUN OF THE NIGHT! BUT ROBINSON "CRUSOE" CANO HIT ONE TOWARDS THE GGGEEEEEEEEEE-SERIES SIGN!!! AND ADRIAN "PENTA" GON-ZALEZ HIT ONE TOWARDS ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY! SUN-DEVIL POWER! AND THOSE TWO WERE ABLE TO MOVE ON TO THE FINAL ROUND! WOWWWWWWW!!!!!


ROBINSON CA-NO "WAY JOSE" HAD HIS DAD PITCHING TO HIM! HIS DAD WAS PITCHING! DID YOU GUYS NOTICE IT WAS HIS FATHER THROWING THE BALLS THAT ROBINSON WAS, IN TURN, HITTING OVER THE FENCE? HIS DAD WAS PITCHING! AND ROBIN-SON "OF A PREACHER MAN" CANO WAS ABLE TO WIN THE HOME RUN DERBY, DEFEATING ADRIAN "GONE BABY" GON-ZALEZ! WOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!


AND NOW LOOK AT THIS! CONTESTANTS RICKY "EIGHT DAYS A" WEEKS, MATT HOLLIDAY "IN CAMBODIA", AND "NO WAY" JOSE BAUTISTA ARE NOW APPROACHING THE BROADCAST DESK! WITH THEIR BATS IN HAND!!! HEY GUYS! AND NOW BAUTISTA SWIIIIINGS AND---*THUD*

........groan...
..............


Hi guys it's me Joe Buck and I'm hear to recap the All Star game. What an exiting game it was. Derek Jeter. There were lots of plays that I definitely got really excited about. I'm sure you can tell by my tone here how excited I was. I mean, wow. Adrian Gonzalez got the scoring started for the AL. Home run. It was gone. 1-0 AL. He is a really good hitter. Unanimous MVP. I don't know who Jose Bautista is. Wow.


Then the NL scored 3 runs. Amazing. Price Fielder hit a home run. How good was that. Then they tacked on two more insurance runs in the later innings. The excitement was too much for me to bear. The AL tried to rally, but didn't. Paul Konerko came up in a key spot, but ZzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz....

Monday, July 11, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Image credit to The Sports Geeks

Good morning Hysterics! Sorry we've been on hiatus for a few weeks. The Bruins parade turned into the Bruins hangover, which turned into birthdays, Blogapaloozas, vacations, bachelor parties, and other random events, all of which involved copious amounts of alcohol. But rest assured, we're back, we're back, we're (mostly) detoxed, and we're ready for some Boston sports.

First, the Bruins, who have been relatively quiet in the free agent market, which is not all that surprising. After Michael Ryder jumped ship and signed with Dallas, the B's went out and signed Benoit Pouliot (pronounced ben-WAH POO-lee-fuckthefrench). And OH NO TOMAS KABERLE IS GONE! Now who will grow an ugly V For Vendetta-esque goatee and lead the league in completely useless shot-fakes on the power play? The B's quickly signed Joe Corvo, who will hopefully provide a little something more than Kaberle's "very little."


Now a piece of minor news: former Patriot Mike Vrabel has taken a cue from Yao Ming and decided to retire. I was always a huge Vrabel fan; nothing was better than him decking a running back trying to hit a hole on one play, swatting a pass down on the next play, and catching a TD pass 4 or 5 plays after that. I was kind of pissed when the Pats traded him to the Chiefs for a pair of tackling dummies and a cheerleader, but, as usual, the Pats recognized declining skills before fans like me could, and Vrabel didn't do much in KC before hanging it up. Enjoy retirement, Mike.


And finally, on to your Red Sox, who enter the All Star break in first place, 1 game ahead of the Yankees, 20 games over .500, and with the best record in the American League. Remember when they sucked for like 2 weeks? That was fun. But now it's all kicking ass and taking names. After completely eviscerating the Orioles over 4 games this weekend, I hope Buck Showalter takes some time over the break to swallow some rat poison. Oh, and take that piece of shit Kevin Gregg with you. That whiney little bitch should wake up and thank his lucky stars every day that he doesn't have to bat against the Red Sox ever, because I guaran-fucking-tee you Josh Beckett would literally kill him with a fastball. But since he can't bat... welll... let's just say I'm not the type of guy who roots for Bryce Florie-type line drives to the face, but I'm willing to make an exception for Gregg. I really can't wait to play these shit-clowns again.

But for now, it's a deserved 4 days off for some of the banged up guys, although Beckett, Ellsbury, Ortiz, A-Gonz, and Youkilis will be off to the All Star Game. But first, the Home Run Derby is tonight, featuring the insufferable Chris Berman. Get your mute buttons ready.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Welcome back Hysterics,

Hope you all had a nice alcohol fueled Bruins weekend like I did. Let's travel down the merry world of BCHysteria and see how his weekend went....

My Friday was spent looking everywhere for a Bruins shirt for Saturday's parade. I know I know, I should have had a shirt before, but as documented here, the Bruins kind of lost me after their last lockout. I really wanted to find a Brad Marchand jersey, but no place had one, nor did they have any that weren't Mark Recchi (retiring) or Kaberle (most likely gone this offseason). So after freaking out when the mall started closing at 9pm, I found one of those center stands and bought one there. $20 for a nice generic Bruins shirt that I'm sure any die hard at the parade could spot was just bought.

Saturday morning was the parade, got up at 7am (couldn't sleep), and headed over to Malden to pick up the T. Only problem was the entire T station's parking lot was completely full. Luckily a businessman next store allowed me to park in his lot for $10. Not a bad deal at all, because the T lot was $5. We headed into the station, which was packed, but all the people were waiting to use the three machines that gave out Charlie Cards. Silly fools, I have my rechargeable card, didn't have to wait in any line and got onto a nearly empty T. Across from me on the T, was a guy, probably around 60, that proclaimed that he had been drinking since yesterday, and was embarrassed that he couldn't find a Bruins shirt, so he decided to wear a Blue Button up with pink flowers stuffed into the pocket. Look, the guy was loaded, who was I to argue?

I got off around Downtown Crossing and headed over to the parade, to my delight I found a spot almost immediately about three rows back. The only problem was there was a women maybe 25(?) who was absolutely wrecked right behind us blowing a horn non stop (remember its not even 9 yet, the parade starts at 11). The atmosphere there was great though, everyone was in a good mood, and other than some moderately hot girls that cut in front of me, nothing bad happened. Even the police were in good spirits. It was hot as hell out, but who cares, 11:00 came by... no Bruins... 11:30 no Bruins... 11:45... HERE THEY COME. OH MY GOD IT WAS AWESOME. Someone from the Suffolk Law building was shooting yellow confetti onto the street while blasting Zombie Nation and Dirty Water and here comes the Bruins!

Milan Lucic, Claude Julien, Nathan Horton, Andrew Ference. Saw them all. Gotta admit I was a little bummed I couldn't see Recchi, Thomas, Chara or Marchand...but the atmosphere was still awesome. Rene Rancourt's float stopped right in front of us, and he gave a bunch of us three fist thrusts. AWESOME. The chants of "We Got the Cup" rang for a solid ten minutes. Plus for the first time in my life, I was about five feet away from the Stanley Cup. It was surreal, I feel for our old friend Raquel, who I'm sure would have killed to have been there.

After the parade, we headed down Newbury St. to have some victory beers, and watched as the parade moved its way down a parallel street. We headed into Joe's Bar and had a few beers with some other Bruins fans who were all super friendly. It was a great time until....Lyndon Byers showed up. HOLY CRAP. What a perfect way to end the day, seeing a player I remember when I was Bruins fan as a little kid. He even had on the yellow hat. I wish I could tell you this wasn't the coolest thing that has happened in a long time, I really do. But it was. This is one of those days where it just rocks to be a Boston sports fan. The people that rank on us all the time, can sit there and cry all they want, but we can hold our heads up high. We have seen it all, and nothing beats being a Boston fan. Our teams are well run, and best of all fun teams to watch, and this weekend was a celebration for the Bruins. And I'm not even going to get into how awesome it was watching them at Fenway on Sunday (on TV I mean, not live)

And oh yeah, the Red Sox won 2 of 3 against the Brewers. But who cares about them right now? They'll be our lone distraction for the next 3 months. This is Bruins time.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Once Again, I'm Sure This Is Exactly How It Went Down

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We have another classic Taiwanese animation for you! It was not all super happy fun smile time in Vancouver after the Hockey Cup for Stanley was losing in the Canadian country. You watch now!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Soak It All In

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It didn't really hit me until I saw this photo. There. Are. No. Words.

Enjoy it, folks. Parade at 11 am on Saturday. Sadly, I won't be around for it, but I trust the Hysterics will keep me posted on Twitter and on here. Also, special shout to Stanley Cup of Chowder, Cornelius Hardenbergh, Raquel, and all the other Bruins fans who are way more die hard than I. You guys deserve it.

In the meantime, I know I could get up on a soapbox and tell you how terrible and horrible the riots in Vancouver are, and what jerks and sore losers they are, but screw that. Let's check out some humorous videos of the rioting from around the internets, shall we?



Believe In Boston

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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

GAME EFFING SEVEN

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I haven't been able to post all day. Too pumped. To excited. I worked, trying to detract my attention from this. But now it's here. The time is now. Game Fucking Seven. Luongo is going to shit himself. Marchand is going to kill somebody. TIM FUCKING THOMAS is going to DESTROY EVERYBODY! LET'S FUCKING DO THIS BRUINS! BELIEVE. IN. BOSTON.




Editorial Interference:

Just saw this on The Bruins Blog and had to post it. Nathan Horton brought a bottle of water from Boston and sprayed it all over the Vancouver ice. I LOVE IT.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This Should Help You Get Through the Off Day

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What a fantastic montage by the boys over at Toucher and Rich. I'm getting amped up just listening to it.

Stop Hitting Yourself

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"I felt like it" - Brad Marchand

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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What a great morning to wake up and breathe that Boston air. Ahhhhhhh, that just feels great! Who cares if it's rainy, cold and dreary out, the Bruins beat the pants off the Canucks again last night! How could last night have gone more perfect? The pre-game show was basically NBC sucking the collective asshole of the Canucks, blabbing about them winning, and how great they were. They had the champagne ready, the Canucks were trying to sell the rights to the parade. But as soon as Rene Rancourt came out and sang a three fist pump version of the Star Spangled Banner, all decked up in his gold suit and matching bow tie, Bruins fans knew today wasn't going to be the day for Vancouver.

The Canucks came out strong, and at first I was like "Oh shit this game is going to end up going poorly", as they barraged Tim Thomas with a volley of shots, which of course he saved. Then around the fourteen minute mark, something clicked. And the Bruins unleashed hell on that slimy piece of crap Roberto Luongo. First Brad Marshmont scored, then thirty five seconds later Lucic knocked one an easy one in, then Ferrence, then Ryder. Within a span of four minutes the Bruins had knocked Luongo out of the game, and all but guaranteed a Game 7. Luongo has to be the biggest head case in the NHL, is there anyone else out there that unravels as quickly as he does? He came in and saw 8 shots, and only stopped 5 of them. Good job pal, now go back to making stupid backhanded comments about Timmy Thomas, that seems to be the only thing you are any good at.

Was there anything better than surfing over to NHL.com and looking at their live camera in Vancouver? It was like looking at thousands of people watching their dog being hit by a car, over and over again. Oh and if you headed to Twitter, the Boston haters were out in full force last night. I love them, I truly do, because it must be really difficult rooting for teams that are only in contention once a decade. I understand why you hate us, if all our teams were run by incompetent boobs, and filled with fans that never show up to the games, I'd hate Boston too. Jealousy is a bitch isn't it? But back to the game. The Bruins pretty much cruised on autopilot for the remainder of the game, with Tim Thomas doing the brunt of the work.

And can we talk about Tim Thomas now? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he is awesome. I got a text message from our old friend GHABB,Y~! last night that read as follows: "Legit, is Tim Thomas putting in the best performance by a Boston-New England athlete in a championship game/series of our lifetime? Brady, Manny, Pierce, dare I say Bird were not this dominant."

So I ask you this, Boston fans: We have had some great moments, and great performers this past twenty-thirty years, but is Tim Thomas' Stanley Cup performance the best we have seen in a championship series?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Lebron James: The No-Ring King

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So if you haven't been able to tell, we here at Mass Hysteria are not huge fans of Lebron James. In fact, I would go as far as to say I hate him more than any other athlete on the planet. I love watching him fail, because he thinks he is entitled to win. I love watching him choke, because he thinks all he has to do is show up and he'll perform. And I love watching him whine, because after all of his arrogance and swagger and self-promotion, he knows that the only person he has to blame is himself. I've said it before and I'll say it again: not only do I dislike the player, I dislike the man, and I TRULY believe he is, deep down, a terrible person. Onward!

Most of the general public's disdain for James started with "The Decision", when it became apparent that Lebron thought he was so far and away above any other athlete on the planet that he needed to have his own hour-long special to announce where he would be "taking his talents". Again, his words. In the process, he proceeded to shit all over the city of Cleveland and their fans, and also break a ton of promises he made to them. What a guy. Then we moved on to the pre-season celebration with James, Wade, and Bosh. PRE-SEASON CELEBRATION. The fireworks, the dancing, the partying. Before they played a game together. I know this stuff has been beaten to death, but it shouldn't be forgotten. Then there's the "Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six..." quote from James as to how many Championships they would win. All we have to do is show up, guys! Don't worry about it! Nothing makes me happier than seeing a person lose who thinks they are so entitled to win anything and everything. And I'm not saying Lebron doesn't work hard - the guy is a physical freak and he's in tremendous shape. But clearly, with his 4th quarter performances (insert whatever lame Twitter joke is going around here), there is still a lot he needs to improve. As Dan Gilbert said: "Old Lesson for all: There are NO SHORTCUTS. NONE."

So how did Lebron respond after the game? Well in his post-game presser he said this:

"All the people that was rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today," James said. "They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that."

So I guess that's directed towards people like me. Cool. Except I don't really have any personal problems; seems like you have your fair share for the both of us. Oh also, I woke up this morning and had as many NBA Championships as you, too. So there's that. Then on Twitter, he said:

"The Greater Man upstairs know [sic] when it's my time. Right now isn't the time."

You heard it here first, folks. God hates the Heat too.

Yeah, I know James is only 26 and yeah he's probably going to win a Championship before he retires, but man, it seems like he has a lot of growing up to do, huh? Until then, enjoy your money and your cars are your lifestyle - and enjoy your current label as a perennial choker. I can't wait until next season.
---------------------------

And now, for some folks who can say it much better than I:

Mavs had best player, better finishers, better team (Gregg Doyel - CBSSports.com)

LeBron James' Marketing Might Never Recover (Darren Rovell - CNBC.com)

A season without acquittal for LeBron (Brian Windhorst - ESPN)

A Boring Conundrum: LeBron's Exquisite Corpse (Jay Caspian Kang - Grantland.com)

Friday, June 10, 2011

A Message to Vancouver

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Dear fans, coaches and players of Vancouver.

I bet you all happy that your Canucks are back in their friendly confines of the Rogers Arena after getting your ass absolutely handed to you in Boston. Talk trash all you want, cry, say that Tim Thomas is lucky, but we all saw what goalie got yanked in Game 4. The more you cry and whine, the more you show what you truly are, scared and desperate. Look, you won Game 1 on a stupid bonehead play, and Game 2 on a fluke, and after that it has all been downhill for ya'll. You have been defeated physically and emotionally, and in the process you have turned the entire hockey community against you for the Canucks cheap dirty play. No matter what Jonah Keri says, the world hates you. I guess that's what happens when you send Nathan Horton to the hospital on a dirty play, and play hockey like a bunch of sissies when the Bruins call you on your shit. But no worries, you only have to sit through two more games, and then you can spend the rest of the summer nursing your wounds, and you can clog up your godforsaken Canadian radio stations with your whines.

It couldn't have gone worse for you, the symbol of your team the Green Men were sent back to Vancouver with their tails between their legs, accomplishing nothing but looking like complete tools on national TV. You honestly think things are going to change because it's back on your ice? Bitch please. I can not wait for the Bruins to go out there and continue punish you all tonight. I would like to see the human sieve Roberto Luongo let up 5 more goals, because we all know the Bruins are in that caveman's head. I'd love to see Shawn Thornton bury one of the Sedin Sisters into the boards. It would be FANTASTIC if Brad Marshmount threw in a few more goals. All of those would be nice, but all I care about is that Bruins leave Vancouver tonight with one more game to win. Just quit crying, you are acting like your team, full of bravado that isn't backed up at all.



Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Wait, there was a baseball game last night? Wait, what? After a three and a half hour rain delay, the Sox actually got to play the Yankees last night to finish off their three game series in the Bronx. Not that I had a clue, I was asleep long before that game started. But from what I read online, it was quite the game. The Sox were down 2-0 going into the 7th inning, and decided to turn on their "Turbo Super Awesome Hitting Mode" and mounted 7 runs on the Bombers to earn the sweep. The Yankees on the other continued their crying, bitching and complaining when CC Sabathia plunked David Ortiz in the leg. Again, do I need to reiterate that Jon Lester had no control over his cutter on Tuesday? Or are you going to cry because your rookie reliever got jacked up and Papi flipped a bat? Seriously, you're going to throw at Papi? Have you watched Robinson Cano after he hits a home run? He does THE EXACT SAME THING!. But I wasn't the only one that was pissed off. Let's play a little mad libs with Big Papi:


"I don't want to have you guys asking me the same questions. I got almost 370 bombs in the big leagues and everybody wants to make a big deal because I bat-flip one of them. (Expletive) that (expletive), man. If I have to make that video on my (expletive), let's see how many bat flips I got on this (expletive). Good night."


And who else does Papi blame for getting beaned? THE MEDIA!


"You waiting for me?" he said. "There will be no questions. Just Big Papi talking, and if you don't like it, you can get the [expletive] out of here.

"I just want to thank you guys -- not all of you, most of you -- for the stat today of me not getting hit by the Yankees. I finally got hit. Hope you [expletives] are happy. I'm done."



To be fair, Josh Beckett kind of started the whole thing by drilling Jeter and ARod in the first couple of innings. But who started what is irrelevant, the Red Sox won again, the Yankees were swept at home AGAIN, the Red Sox have a two game lead on NY, AND the Sox have won 9 of 10 against the Yankees. And to make matters worse for the sniveling little cry babies in the Bronx, Joba is done for the year and is scheduled to have Tommy John surgery. Oh how I love to watch their paper thin pitching depth fall to shit. You know who is keeping the Yankees from battling it out with the Jays for fourth place? Bartolo Colon. And honestly how much longer is going to be able thttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifo keep up with the pace he is at. The Yankees are cooked, folks. Goodbye.

Speaking of cooked, the Heat lost again. Lebron James disappeared in the fourth quarter and the Mavs are a win away from the title. Miami fans wonder why their team is so universally hated (OH WAH YOU GUYS ARE ALL HATERS, WAH WAH WAH), and yesterday James and Wade gave a perfect indisputable evidence by mocking Dirk Nowitzski's illness. Hey Lebron instead of making fun of your opponent, why don't you figure out how to stop blowing at the end of the game? And what a bright idea, piss off the other teams leader! Smart move boys, it's no wonder you are paid million of dollars to dribble a ball and shoot in it a net, and not to use your brain for anything.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Let's Bury This Team

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Hey folks, sorry for the lack of updates today. Real life got in the way for a little while. Rest assured we are insanely pumped about the Bruins. And not to worry! I was still able to find the time to create a shoddy Photo Shop (MS Paint and Photo Shop are the same, right?) of what Canucks fans should be expecting within the next week or so:

Bring it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Good morning, friends. Is it me, or is there an awful lot of crying going on this morning? Let's recap the tears:

Wahh wahh, David Ortiz flipped his bat and Jon Lestruzaka hit a few guys with pitches, waah. Shut up. Lester was erratic, and even though he held down the victory, I find it hard to say that BCHysteria's reverse jinx from yesterday worked. Lester has been quite wild as of late, but his velocity is still there, so I'm thinking it's a mechanics issue and not an injury. The Sox need him to continue to be a front-line starter or they have their work cut out for them in the AL East this year. Still, a win over the Yankees and a virtual tie for first place is hard to complain about. BCHysteria is slated to have more on this game and the Yankee fan whining later today. Can't wait.

Wahh wahh, I'm a Miami Heat fan and the Heat lost and everyone hates us and fuck the haters! Are you kidding me? OK, first of all, if you're a Heat fan, you should at the very least UNDERSTAND why people hate them. I don't get all up in arms when people hate on Garnett or Papelbon or the Patriots because I get it. If they weren't on Boston teams I'd probably hate them too, and if I devoted all my time to calling out haters of Boston teams I'd have to quit my full-time job. People don't like the Celtics/Patriots/Bruins/Red Sox. People also don't like the Heat; it's part of being a sports fan. Whining and crying about hate gets you nowhere. And yes, I'm going to continue hating on the Heat. Why? Cuz I hate the Heat! Funny how that works. Memo to Miami Heat "fans" (all 6 of you): People don't like your team. They want them to lose. Get over yourselves.


And our last "Waah waah" installment comes from Bruins haters! Fuck the haters, why you gotta hate on us? People want us to lose, shut up the haters, Thomas is awesome, Chara is awesome! Why doesn't everyone love us?!?!?!

Ahem, sorry. Where was I? Ah yes, people are crying because Rome was suspended for 4 games... huh? Listen, I love big hits as much as the next guy, but the new NHL rules plus the severity of Horton's injury warranted this suspension. Plus, a message needs to be sent (yes, to both teams) that the taunting and the chippy play and the finger biting needs to stop. Yeah, I don't like it either, but that's what the league is going to do. I just fear that tonight we're going to see 800 penalties, most of them against the Bruins. I understand wanting to keep the game clean and all that, but don't go overboard here, please. Let them play. The emotions are running high in this series, and that's what makes it so compelling. I for one don't want to see that change.


Cheer up, everyone!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Mass Hysteria's Newest Reverse Jinx Target: Jon Lester

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Here at Mass Hysteria, we constantly bash on athletes for poor performances, it's part of the landscape of this blog. But an interesting trend has arisen recently. This season every time Smarty or I make a negative comment about a player, they completely turn it around and play fantastic baseball. Some people we have ripped on recently that support this trend: Jonathan Papelbon, Carl Crawford, JD Drew, and Dustin Pedroia. We would like to continue this trend by trashing another struggling Red Sox player. Today's target of reverse jinx: Jon Lester

Jon Lester, what the hell are you doing? You were supposed to be the ace of the Red Sox staff and here you sit with an ERA of 5.40 over the past two weeks, and opponents have an OBA of .340. What the hell? Can the Sox move you back in the rotation, maybe have you miss tonight's start against the Yankees? Maybe start Tim Wakefield instead? I have a bad feeling about this game. Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that the Yankees are going to put up multiple innings of with multiple homeruns. Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter better not light him up! God Jon Lester, if you suck tonight I'm going to scream.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Hello and happy Tuesday, Hysterics. If you're anything like me, you didn't sleep last night. You were too jacked up. You wanted to throw on some Rage Against the Machine or some Motörhead and light some couches on fire. You wanted to gear up, head to a rink, and deck some people. FUCK, THAT WAS AWESOME! I haven't been that pumped since Varitek made A-Rod deep-throat his mitt (which ironically I mentioned yesterday). Seriously. 8 goals wasn't enough. I wanted 88. I wanted one of the Sedins to get drilled by Thornton and leave in a body bag. I wanted Burrows teeth knocked out and his jaw caved in, rendering him incapable of biting anything ever again. I wanted Luongo to announce his retirement after the 6th or 7th or 8th goal and just walk off the ice, shamed. I wanted the Green Men to take their soiled spandex back to Canada and go into seclusion until everyone forgets who they are. Every ounce of aggression in my body was awakened, thirsty for some utter destruction. Shit, I'm STILL pumped. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I was AT that game. I'd probably be in prison right now.

My utter hatred for this Canucks team cannot be put into words. It's beyond contempt. It's beyond Eat a Bag of Dicks. The thirst for a cup, the thirst for pain, the thirst for humiliating this team is at an all-time high. And yes, the Horton hit began the awakening. And it began the awakening for every single one of the Bruins and their fans. Enough of this shit. And fuck you to the NHL for letting this team get away with so much shit up until now - I hope they suspend Rome for the rest of this series. It's about time the league stepped up THEIR game too. I want the Bruins to hurt some dudes, don't get me wrong. But I want them to do it within the rules. There's physical hockey, then there's that bullshit. They're biting dudes, they're trying to scramble Bergeron's brain, and it needs to stop. Send a goddamn message.

All that said, it was still only one game. This is the rational, level-headed Smarty Barrett talking now. I thought I suppressed him and the hate-maim-kill Smarty rose to the top, but he's out. One game. The B's are still trailing 2-1 in this series, and as much as 8-1 feels fucking great, it means nothing if they don't come out with the same fire, the same intensity, and the same mindset tomorrow night. So let's just relax, take a breath here, and... fuck it. Let's kill them.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Welcome to Boston, Green Men!

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Hi friends from up north!

I just love how you dressed up in your skin tight suits and play mind games with opponents of your beloved Vancouver Cancusk. And then lookie you are on TV, looking so devilish, probably with no clue you copied that idea from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Because in Canada it's all moose and curling, and no one there uses a television other than to watch hockey and reruns of old BBC comedies. You do realize that right? That Charlie Day created that for an American TV show, like 3 years ago. But it's ok, your Canadian, you aren't expected to come up with your own schtick on your own. Thinking is hard stuff!

I'd like to know which one of you gentlemen had the brilliant idea of coming to Boston to "intimidate Tim Thomas". You probably have never been to Boston before have you? Boston fans are known to be loving, warm hearted, welcome the opponents and their fans with open arms type of people. And they NEVER EVER drink too much and pummel the shit out of opposing fans from Canada. Please, go out on Causeway street at 6:45 dressed like that, I bet the locals will love you! Hell I have a better idea, if for some unlucky reason the Canucks win again, take your lime body suit out in front of the garden and scream "BRUINS SUCK" over and over again. Boston fans will get the joke, I promise!

But what am I telling you this for? You already know about our town and the laissez-faire hockey fans from our most knowledgeable sports personalities Dennis & Callahan. Believe me, they know hockey better than anyone else in this town. They talk about it 24/7 365! They probably told you how safe our mundane our fans are. Maybe, and this is a great idea, you could make a pro-Canuck sign that reads " Burrows owns Boston" and run around the concourse waving it around in your little body suit! I'm sure you will meet plenty of bearded Bruins fans that will just love to introduce you to the fine city of Boston. And when they are done showing you around, they will take you to Boston's most historic landmark, the Tobin Bridge where they will greet you off back on a magical journey back to your home town of Vancouver. Have fun and welcome to Boston!

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Good morning, all. Hope you had an enjoyable weekend despite the Bruins. As BCHysteria already pointed out, the B's have their backs against the wall, but those smelly Canadians step into our house tonight, and it's going to be a whole new ballgame. Or puck-game? Whatever. I like the Bruins chances at home, but they're still going to have to play better, score better, and whatever the hell they did that allowed them to score on the power play on Saturday, do that shit again. Please.

Also, Alex Burrows can eat a big fat dick, but I'm sure he'd bite down on it. There's an EABOD in your future coming if you score again, you piece of shit. Count on it.

In other non-Bruins news, the Red Sox swept the hapless A's this weekend, but it wasn't exactly without a flare for the dramatic. I was in attendance at the game on Saturday, and let me tell you, it was nuts. First of all, with the start time of the game changing, we were able to parlay our seats from standing room into 30-or-so rows behind home plate, which was awesome not only because siting behind home plate kicks ass, but because we had an excellent view of Papelbon's tantrum. It was hard to tell from my vantage point if some of the questionable calls were strikes, but after reviewing some pics (courtesy of the Providence Journal), I gotta say Pap was getting squeezed:


That's a strike, you dipshit.

I also loovveee that after all the ejection aftermath was over, people were like "I expect that kind of stuff from Papelbon, but not from Varitek." Really? Papelbon has never been ejected from a baseball game. Ever. In his life. Varitek punched a man in the face in a game 7 years ago. So, yeah. Not calling either of them out; I thought it was awesome that they both got run. But stop painting Paps as some sort of hot-head asshole. His emotions run high, but he, up until Saturday, has always kept things in check.

And yesterday John Lackey (JOHN LACKEY!!!!) helped the Sox finish off the sweep with a strong outing coming off the DL. Oh, and J.D. Drew got the walk-off hit on Saturday! We foul-mouthed bloggers are running out of people to call out here (not like anyone would even bat an eye if we called out the universally [and insubstantially] hated J.D. Drew)! So I gotta throw it to you, Hysterics and Sox fans alike: Who on this team is not performing to your expectations at this point? Since whomever we throw under the bus seems to turn it around, who should be our next target? A simple blog post should fix 'em.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

ESPN Misses the Point Volume 6,210

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ESPN, do you really think critics were saying "Gosh you know who needs to step up? Alex Burrows." They were saying "ALEX BURROWS SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING IN THIS GAME BECAUSE HE BIT PATRICE BERGERON!!!". Bruins fans are pissed off because it was pretty clear that Burrows maliciously bit Bergeron, and wasn't punished, and then "Voila!" - he wins the game for the 'Nucks. I swear that tWWL is aversive to bringing up controversy, and would rather paint everything with a nice white paint brush. Which isn't a surprise, we have all seen how they have covered Lebron James, Ray Lewis, Brett Favre, Sidney Crosby, Mike Vick, Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez, and a whole other slew of other athletes that 90% of the world can't stand (yes I get it, I left off a bunch of Boston athletes. This is a Boston blog - deal with it). He cheated, was caught on camera, and got away with it, can this fraud of a website stop ignoring that and freaking comment on it?


There isn't a single column on ESPN.com that echoes Mike Millbury's argument that Burrows shouldn't be playing. This isn't such novel idea is it? Shouldn't ESPN be showing both sides of the coin? Guess not, they are just going to stick with the ALEX BURROWS IS THE GREATEST WHAT A PLAYER!!!! angle. You guys suck.


And the title of articles like "Burrow gets last laugh" and "Bruins in denial" makes me homicidal. Can someone tell me why I go to their website anymore?

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Intensity....on your ass....and all for charity

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If you haven't caught it yet, Youkilis, Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford created shirts for charity. Now, normally I wouldn't mock acts of charity but these shirt designs are just so, um, unique? The front of the shirt looks like any standard Sox jersey, with just a splash of patriotism. But turn it over and...BAM. Who wouldn't want to walk around with a picture of Kevin Youkilis covering their ass? Or maybe you aren't a fan of how Carl Crawford has been playing and you prefer sitting on his face everytime you go to Fenway. Then this shirt is for you! This shirt design is what happens when you allow a professional baseball player to do something other than throw a baseball or swing a bat.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Happy Stanleys Cup Finars from Taiwan

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I just found this video in the Mass Hysteria inbox, and well I had to share it with you all immediately. This video has it all, terrible stiff animation, absolutely no insight into American/Canadian culture, and weird weird Asian jokes. There is an English version as well, but I having the terrible translations on the bottom works so much better. Please watch this. Please....for me?

New Poll: Will Daisuke Stay in MLB or Return to Japan?

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In light of BCHysteria's recent post on Dice-K, we must ask:

When his time with the Red Sox is up, will Daisuke Matsuzaka return to Japan?


Some Thoughts on Dice-K

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Everyone by now has heard the news, Dice K is off to the land of Dr. Yocum where he will have the magical Tommy John surgery that could effectively end his time with the Red Sox. For many, myself included this seemed like welcome news. Without a doubt the Dice-K years have been some of the most frustrating, irritating years of my Red Sox life. Here is a guy who came in after a huge transfer fee, and was expected to become our Asian Pedro Martinez. The Red Sox were desperate for a front of the line starter, and after watching Dice tear up in the World Baseball Classic, he seemed like a slam dunk. And he had the mysterious gyroball, a pitch no one in the majors had ever thrown before. How mysterious! And America waited to see if his wife's chest lived up to her nickname "Rockets". They didn't. He came here with a translator, and at first he seemed like he struggled with the bright spot light Boston sports reporters shined on him as he tried to adjust to American culture. Yet on the field his first two seasons here seemed like a dream, he won 15 and 18 games respectively, but his other stats predicted a downward turn. And oh god did that happen. Since he won 18 games in 2006, he has won 16 in the three seasons since. If you look back to the '08 season it was pretty clear that Dice K was the luckiest pitcher in the history of baseball. Every game he seemed to be working out of bases loaded jams, something he hasn't been able to do since.

Every year it has been the same story. Red Sox fans watch Dice and think to themselves "JESUS THAT GUY HAS THE STUFF TO GET EVERYONE OUT, STOP NIT PICKING THE CORNERS AND JUST GO AFTER THE DAMN GUY", but he never would. How many games did he have like 120 pitches by the middle of the 5th inning? Full counts to everyone! And his situation just continued to get worse. Instead of translating his style more to the American way, Dice K's 2010 and '11 seasons were nothing short of a disaster. Injuries basically derailed almost all of 2010. He showed up to Spring Training this year looking out of shape, and came out of the gates pitching like Hideki Irabu. Rumors swirled that Tito was getting fed up of his difficult personality and stubbornness. Fans booed him off the Fenway mound on more than one occasion, which he rightfully deserved, because he was pitching horribly. And just to tease the fans more, he would throw in two starts where he looked absolutely unhittable.

A gigantic waste of money, Dice K leaves the Sox with a hole in their rotation that might be difficult to fill. No matter what Sox fans say, Tim Wakefield is not going to be the answer. He is even more inconsistent than Dice, and his proneness to injuries will happen again soon. Mark my word, Wakefield has another 1-2 month DL stint in his future.. Aceves? Maybe, he has shown flashes of being a solid back end starter, but his last start scared the crap out of me. Andrew Miller? God no, pitchers who can't find the strike zone have no business being in the Majors. What will the Sox do? Whatever it is, Dice K isn't going to be the answer, or our problem anymore.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Good morning, Hysterics. Slow night in Boston sports last night, with both the Sox and Bruins getting much-needed days off. So I don't know about you, but I decided to just relax and take a break from sports. However, right before I was about to turn in, I flicked on the NBA Finals, and I immediately got hooked in. I told myself I wasn't going to watch any more of the NBA Playoffs after the C's lost, and after it became pretty apparent that the Heat were going to win it all, but my hatred for Lebron, Wade, Bosh, Spoelstra, and the rest of the Heat knows no bounds.

I joined the game around the start of the 4th quarter, the Heat were up by about 4, but they quickly started to just flat-out dominate. Dallas was taking stupid shots, turning it over like crazy, and Wade and Co. were having their way with the Mavs, Mark Chmura style. It was 88-73 with 7:15 remaining, and honestly, I don't know why I didn't just turn it off right then. Maybe I was rooting for Lebron to blow out his knee, or Bosh to try and break the Finals record for screams/points ratio, but I stuck around. Then, all of a sudden, the Mavs cut it to 9. Then 7. Then it was a 2-point game, Wade shit his pants during a timeout, and we had some damn good basketball on our hands. And I think you've heard by now what happened after that. Lebron stood and watched Dirk drain a three, then Ze German rolled in a layup with 3 seconds left and it was over. The Heat we knew all too well for the first 30 or so games of the season was back. The once inevitable had become... maybe not so much.

I'm not saying the Mavs will win this series, but after a game like that, the Heat might be broken a little. I'm sure Lebron went out and spent $50 grand at the club and partied last night, but it's got to be weighing on his mind that they had that game, blew it, and hey, he still doesn't have a ring! Now the series shifts to Dallas for THREE games, and the Mavs have all the momentum in the world. Nothing would make me happier than Lebron being deprived his first Championship AGAIN, and if he does, I can't WAIT to see how he reacts. Hey, he can't make an appointment with Kevorkian anymore, now can he? I know, I know, it's one game and the Heat are probably still a better team. But I just love seeing this fucking fraud choke on his own ego, even if it's just a one-game deal like this. I truly believe he's a fucking terrible person, and because he thinks he's entitled to some sort of automatic success, I love seeing his ass fail. Also, fuck Chris Bosh.

Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Oof, good morning folks, hope you made it throw the night. Mornings like this make doing the nightly recap that much harder, but it has to be done. That's how much we love you, The Hysterics.

Let's start with the Bruins, I guess. Game 1 happened last night, and as much as I'd love to forget it, we lost. With 18.5 seconds left, on a stupid Johnny Boychuk turnover. How many times have we said that this post season? Lost a game because of a Johnny Boychuk turnover. Gah, it was such a promising game too, because Tim Thomas looked invincible in the net, stopping anything and everything aimed his way. Also we actually had a power play that looked productive, with good puck movement, and good looks, but god damn Roberto Luongo stopped everything. I think the real positive that came out of this game is that the Bruins are not going to be over matched by the Canucks. Before this series I was worried that this would be their toughest challenge, but after last night I'm not so sure. Tampa seemed faster, and I think the Lightning offense gave the B's bigger problems than the Canucks ever will. On a side note, and this isn't a "they screwed our team over", but screw the refs. Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals was fantastic hockey because the refs swallowed their whistles and let both teams play, yesterday was like the complete opposite. They called penalties on both teams for the smallest infractions, and then other penalties weren't called like oh I don't know Chris Kelly getting punched in the face after the whistle RIGHT IN FRONT OF A REF. Oh well, the Bruins still looked good, it's game like this you just to just grab your balls and move on, and I have a good feeling for Saturday's game.

If the Bruins didn't get you down, then the TORNADO should have. Living in Boston, I felt like I have always been safe from a few things; earthquakes, tsunamis and tornadoes. Yesterday shattered my illusion, and scared the ever-loving shit of me. As I watched the tornado touchdown in Springfield, I was like, "Shit, what the hell do I do if this hits my town?". Um, I don't have a basement. It was a scary experience, and all jokes aside, thoughts go out to the people in Western and Central Mass.

Finally, the Red Sox got swept by Ozzie Guillen's crazy band of merry men. Six innings and 4 runs of ball out of Tim Wakefield, typical and expected. Rich Hill went down with what looks like a devastating elbow injury, which is fantastic because he hadn't let up a run in 12 innings. Also on Twitter I am hearing mumblings that Dice K is going to need Tommy John surgery, which sucks, but also doesn't suck because that means I won't have to watch him pitch again this year. But that raises the question if he is out, do the Sox go with 6.00 Wakefield, or hope that last outing by Aceves was a fluke? Or do they make a move and trade for another pitcher? Hysterics, if Dice K is out what would you do other than celebrate? Leave it in the comments.

I need an advil or 10...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

It's Game Day, Boys and Girls

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Picture courtesy of our friends over at Days of Y'Orr.

Here we are. The Stanley Cup Finals. For the first time since 1992, when I was nine years old. Back then I couldn't have told you the names of 3 NHL players, let alone 3 Bruins - I was far too busy with my Red Sox sticker books and NKOTB novelty-sized buttons. (Come on, you know you had them too.) So needless to say, we've come a long way since then.


This is what we as fans have been waiting for, whether it's 19 years or 28 years or 39 years. And anyone who tells you this isn't going to be the biggest challenge the Bruins have faced in the playoffs so far is either stupid or lying. The Canucks were arguably the best team in the NHL this year. They play well at home. They have a high-powered offense, a stingy defense, and maybe the second best goalie in the league behind Thomas. Their goal differential this season was insane. The Bruins are going to have to play some of their best hockey of the season in this series if they're going to win it all and bring a Cup back to the Garden.

But I truly think they're capable of doing so. Luongo is good, but he's not unbeatable. The Sedin twins are fast, but they're not unstoppable. Salo is tough, but he's not unbreakable. Tim Thomas is probably going to have a game or two like he did in Game 7 of the Conference Finals. Seguin is probably going to have to turn in another gem of a game. Kaberle is going to have to... fuck it - he's a lost cause. But if the B's keep going at it like they have been this entire playoffs, I really really like their chances. Fuck the national predictions, fuck the stats (you rarely hear me say that), and fuck Canada. It's game day, and the time is now. Our time. Boston's time.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What You Need To Know About Vancouver

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Now that Boston has disposed of Tampa, the toilet of America, it's time to move on to Canada. The Bruins already took care of the Frenchies, and Toronto's hockey team is still giving them all of their #1 draft picks for Phil Kessel, so now we turn to Vancouver, the dingleberry of Canada. If you Google Vancouver, the first thing you may see is how livable the county/district/province/whateverthefucktheycallit is. But don't be fooled, the reason the area is so "beautiful" and "nice" is due to the fact that when Los Angeles eventually is earthquaked away from the rest of California it will float all the way up to Vancouver and merge to form the 8th ring of hell. Sure, move to the pristine island now for the great real estate, while it's cheap and expensive, just be prepared for the Vice Lords and Crip shootouts in your backyard in 2013.


Like baseball? Well tough shit, Vancouver doesn't have that. Basketball? Nope, their attendance was so lousy the team uprooted itself and moved to Memphis! Yes, MEMPHIS. But if desire sports and you want to move to Vancouver no worries, they still have the Police and Firemen's games which I'm sure involves Mounties galloping around on their steeds playing squash or whatever the hell it is they do on horses. Not interested in that? Well how about Ultimate Frisbee? According to the Wikipedia page, "Vancouver is a centre for the fast-growing sport". You know who plays Ultimate Frisbee? Hippies. Which I'm sure Vancouver is overflowing with. So go ahead move to a place that MSN calls a "great place to live", just be prepared to never sleep as the white dude with dreadlocks blasts Bob Marley for the 56th song in a row as they throw the "friz" around on every piece of green grass on that god forsaken island. Hey man is there a Taco Bell around here?


The summers are warm, the winters are cool, there are mountains to ski on, and oceans to swim in on the lovely island of Vancouver. Plus there is a batshit insane Korean dictator only across the ocean from you! So when Kim Jong Il decides to try something looney against a western country, it could happen in your own back yard! How awesome! Make sure you bring your gas mask and build a good bomb shelter! So there you have it, LA gangbangers, Ultimate Frisbee hippies and insane tiny dictators all in the comfort of your own Vancouver home. Add that on to the inevitable fact that you will get to live with a bunch of whiny hockey fans that will be bitching about how their team lost to the Bruins in 6 in two weeks. And hockey is about the only thing Canada has going for them, so they will have to stew on that for about 9 more months. Which for me is fine, because I would never move to that dump of a country, I was born and raised in the U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Good morning all, hope everyone enjoyed the awesome weekend that was. Sorry we were out of commission for the entire ordeal, but let me be the 4,289,467th person to say: THE BRUINS ARE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING STANLEY CUP FINALS! Sadly, myself and BCHysteria were traveling at the time, so we relied on our Twitter following to keep us posted on the Bruins goings on, and let me just say on behalf of the blog: thank you, Hysterics. It was fucking painful to not be able to watch the game somewhere, shoving beers in our faces and high-fiving randoms, but I was still on the edge of my seat as I frantically refreshed Twitter and ESPN desperately trying to keep up with the action. And for those that say "What action?" I say this: Shut up. Who says 0-0 games with no penalties can't be heart-stopping, edge-of-your-seat fucking amazing hockey? I'm still kicking myself for missing a truly epic game for the ages, and now it's just Vancouver (or Vahn-cooo-vahhh) and 4 wins until we bring a goddamn Cup back to this city that has longed for one so badly. Who the fuck says this isn't a hockey town? It's times like this that I recall Glenn Ordway on the Big Show taking calls about "why don't you talk about hockey?", dishing out sarcasm and feigned interest towards the callers, and then doing a snarky segment called "Hockey Talk" where he mocked the Bruins and their fans. Don't forget that, B's Nation. I assume Dennis and Callahan this morning said something like "The Bruins are in the Cup finals, but screw that! A brown person got paroled for robbing a liquor store! Isn't Massachusetts a MESS?!?!?!" It's an added bonus that this is a huge "fuck you" to WEEI. Eat shit and die, you bloated, self-serving, arrogant windbags. There's no doubt anymore that this is a hockey town - enjoy scrambling to win back all the fans that you mocked. I'm content to never listen to you again.


In non-Bruins news, the Red Sox continue to cruise, and they've moved into first place since we last talked. Besides a "tip your cap" type outing by Verlander, the Sox offense has been firing on all cylinders, and the pitching (aside from a poor outing by Lester last night) has been just as good. And just to note, EVERYONE we've called out on this blog, from Papelbon to Saltalamacchia to Wakefield, Lowrie, Varitek, and Pedroia... EVERYONE has turned it around and forced us to shove our collective feet in our mouths, ankle deep. We're now glaring at you, John Lackey. Come off the DL and shut us up. Or not, because you suck (*jinx jinx jinx*). Either way, this is going to be a fun team to watch this summer.

So while we were missing all this shit, what the hell were we up to? Try hanging out in dirty bus stations, treking into the middle of the woods of West Virginia, and drinking our fucking faces off. Why West Virginia, you ask? It's as good a place to get drunk as any. If I were to pick 3 things I learned this weekend, they would be 1. If you're going to West Virginia, fly. Don't take a bus. 2. I am not going to miss a single second of any more Bruins games, and 3. Ke$ha songs will get stuck in your head for fucking DAYS. So now you're going to have to deal with what I've been dealing with all weekend. Enjoy, and GO BRUINS.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Enjoy the Weekend

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Go Bruins.

The NFL's Love Affair with Brett Favre Continues

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So Mike Reiss over at ESPN.com reports that the NFL is doing a Top 100 Players of All Time ranking thingy. The shocking pick?

20. Brett Favre
21. Tom Brady


Scratches, squints eyes, reads it again.

20. Brett Favre
21. Tom Brady


Hmmm, I must be losing my vision, or I am reading this all wrong. Did I just see that correctly?

20. Brett Favre
21. Tom Brady


Yup. It's not surprising the NFL would pick Favre over Brady, they have been slurping the Favre splooge for over a decade now, even with his completely diminished skill set and inappropriate dong pics. Favre had a nice little career, riddled with stupid passes, and playing when he shouldn't. Brady has been surgical for most of it, easily the top 1 or 2 QB's of this generation (I'm not getting into the Peyton Manning debate here). Just from a sight test, Brady has led the Pats to a dynasty, Favre....Favre....has the NFL watched him play the last five years? He has looked horrible. Two quick stats should put this stupid list debate to rest:

Tom Brady Super Bowl rings: 3
Brett Favre Super Bowl rings: 1 (and he better write thank you notes to Desmond Howard)

Tom Brady Super Bowl MVPs: 2
Brett Favre: 0


True, Favre owns the record for most all time passing yards, but I'm pretty sure that Brady could break that record if he just went back to pass and heaved it 30 yards every other pass like Favre does. Put Favre against Brady both in their primes, and Brady is going to win that 9 times out of 10. And when Tom Brady sends a picture of his dong to a lady friend, she doesn't go running to the press with the evidence, because that's the power of the Brady Dong.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tampa Fans Drenched with Water, Tears

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So by now you've probably seen this video, as it circulated around the blogs and the Facebooks and people Twit it on their Tweeter, or whatever these kids do this days with their internet and their rap music. Anyhow, if you haven't seen it, check around the 1:30 mark - a Bruins player (Puck Daddy says Nathan Horton) sprays a "Lightning fan" with his water bottle, then tosses the bottle up at the fan. Some will say he "threw" the water bottle, but come on, he was like a foot and a half away from the guy - it was a toss. Whatever.

So as expected, "Lightning fans" are crying about this already. "Waaah, he was mean to us! He should get suspended, waaah!" Look, I'm not condoning what Horton did, but let's not forget that the "Lightning fans" were hucking those annoying noisemaker thingys at the Bruins like 30 seconds prior. A couple Bruins players even got hit with a few of them (granted, 80-year-olds can't throw very hard, but still). So "Lightning fans": Shut your fucking pie holes. That's the kind of shit that happens when you throw crap at players. I love how people think they can say and do whatever they want to players and not expect some type of reaction (see: Artest, Ron). If you're going to be a dick and you can't take the consequences, then here's an idea: DON'T BE A DICK. (And the redneck clown who got sprayed looks pissed, but I'm sure he and his buddies all had a good laugh about it afterwards at their Klan meeting. Nice haircut, by the way.) I know athletes are held to a higher standard and I agree they should be, but they're still human.

So what goes down now? Well I think the NHL should fine Horton (PLEASE no suspension), but they should also implement a policy where they don't allow teams to have give-aways during the playoffs - at least not stuff that can be used as a projectile.

Now let's beat these fucking losers.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Must... make it... to... Friday... night. Can... not... think... of last night's game...

GOD THAT SUCKED

Hi guys and gals, I'm a hurting little buckaroo this morning. But not to worry - I have a giant water in front of me and enough coffee to caffeinate half the eastern sea board. My head hurts, my eyes sting, and I feel like I woke up next to Chaz Bono...and that's only because of the Bruins. Yesterday was the ultimate bi-polar day of my life. The soaring highs, the epic lows. All wrapped up in the span of about 8 hours.

The Red Sox decided that they would take the offensive lapses that happened the first two weeks of the season and balance them with their second epic ass whooping of the week. After pounding the Cubs back to Wrigley on Sunday, the Sox took the American League leading Indians and shoved their Indian drum up their Wahoo hole. Jon Lester decided that he was sick of pitching like John Lackey and threw a gem through 6 innings, shutting out the Indians. But the story of the day had to be the offense. Carl Crawford went 4-4, and was a triple away from the cycle (he is going to break out soon, which gives me a an excite-gasm), Dustin Pedroia ripped the ball all over the park, and something called a Drew Sutton had 3 hits as well. The Red Sox are now 5 games over .500 as they head into America's toilet, Detroit. The Sox are playing red hot baseball, even with Aceves on the mound, we are facing a righty in Max Scherzer...I expect big things from this lineup today.

And the Bruins....oh the Bruins. Last night was pretty shitty, but not unexpected. Everyone is quick to blame the power play for our current woes, but can we look at Tim Thomas? WE HAVE LET UP 21 GOALS THIS SERIES OF COURSE WE ARE GOING TO LOSE. Sure Kaberle and Boychuk are playing like human sieves, but Tim Thomas's tendency to over commit to plays have left the Bruins praying the 7th game goes their way. A few days ago I was talking to Smarty Barrett about the Bruins, and I said to him "You know who I don't get? David Krejci. People love this guy but he doesn't seem to do anything for the team." Last night answered that question for me. A hat trick and some great forechecking had to make him the MVP of a rather depressing game. Oh did I mention, CAN IT BE FRIDAY PLEASE?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My Mea Culpa

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On this blog, I have gained the reputation as a loud mouthed, uncouth lout. I make rash judgments on basically everybody, and sometimes I am right....other times I have been wrong. Instead of apologizing for everything I've ever said, I'm just going to create bullets for easy reading. The following I have been wrong about:

  • Jason Varitek for saying that he should have retired three years ago.
  • Tim Wakefield for saying basically the same thing.
  • David Ortiz for the nickname I created "Big Popout" and "Big Slumpi", or even "Giant Hole in the Lineup".
  • The Miami Heat for doubting they could beat the Celtics. (I still doubt Lebron James is the best player in the NBA, and will vehemently defend that no matter how many great playoff games he has.)
  • Never understood the big deal around LOST.
  • The Jets for doubting they could beat the Patriots.
  • Rhode Island for doubting they could beat BC....two years in a row.
  • Joakim Noah, for thinking his skill set would never translate to the NBA. I never saw anyone scream so much in my life, but who knew, that skill would carry over to the Bulls.
  • Jonathan Papelbon, because hey, he isn't perfect, but I'll take it.
  • Not being interested in the Bruins last year.
  • Gaining interest in the Bruins during the playoffs again.
  • Still having not seen an episode of Parks and Recreation.
  • Dennis and Callahan....HAHA YEAH RIGHT.
  • Being the lone dissenter that thought the Kendrick Perkins trade was a good thing... should have listened to the rest of you.
  • Trading Chris Johnson to GHABBY in fantasy football for what turned into Braylon Edwards and Jason Witten.
  • Thinking BC could beat Nevada.
  • Thinking BC should have made the NCAA tournament.
  • Posting drunk.
  • Not profreeding my posts befor I send thennm.
Did I miss anything?

Memo to Yahoo! Sports

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You'd better hope there are no Native American players without file photos on the Indians. Otherwise, something like this could be construed as offensive.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Two of Tampa's finest residents.

Good morning everyone, I hope everyone is geared up for tonight's Bruins game. I know I am; nice weather out, a shot at the Stanley Cup Finals - this only means one thing: DRINKING! And please, please, PLEASE don't drink Natty Ice like the rednecks in this pic. I don't care if you're still in college - crack open a Sam's or a Harpoon or a Magic Hat or something. Get that local flavor and rep Boston for crissakes. You're gonna need something for when you're on the edge of your seat... shit, I'm nervous already.

Recapping last night's action, we saw the Red Sox FINALLY beat Cleveland! Woo hoo! Drew Carey Show DVDs and Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame bumper stickers for everyone! Josh Beckett was absolutely dominant once again, Rich Hill continues to state his claim to assist Bard in the setup role, and... wait, this can't be right... Jason Varitek hit a ho... hit a homeru... nah, pretty sure that was just a dream. Weird that I dreamed it, AND it was a typo in the box score! How random is that? In all seriousness, it's awesome to see the catchers coming around. Plus, Wakefield, Varitek... seems like everyone we call out here starts to kick ass! So let's keep it going: hey Pedroia - how about you stop slugging 0.318? Move Crawford up to second and drop Pedroia to 8th!!!!1111!!!! (That should do the trick.)

Sox have a day game today as Lester takes on Mitch Talbot... and hey, look at that! If the season ended today the Sox would be in the playoffs. Not bad after a 2-10 start. With the Sox at noon, that frees up your night for grilling, drinking, and Bruins, without having to fiddle with the remote. Hopefully it ends tonight, although I wouldn't hate a few more days of making fun of Florida - the material is ENDLESS. I'll leave you with this one:

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Most Beautiful Thing You Will Ever See In Your Life

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(h/t Toucher and Rich)

This screen grab, much like a woman breastfeeding in public, is beautiful. But you should not stare at it. Never stare. It is just too awesome.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Fantastic artwork by the guys over at Days of Y'orr


Good morning again folks, thanks for coming back and making Mass Hysteria the #45234 blog in all of Boston!!!! Last night was another busy night in sports, as both the Bruins and Red Sox were in action. If you were like me, you set your Tivo up, made it sure it recorded the premiere of the Bachelorette, and watched some good ole sports. (Grunts, smashes head into wall, chugs a beer).

Easily the most important game of the night was Game 5 between the Bruins and the "Team from Florida that has a shitty fan base." Things started off very poorly for the Bruins, as the TFFTHASFB scored quickly and were attacking Tim Thomas seemingly non stop. But after the first intermission, things changed. The Bruins started to assert themselves physically over TB (basically holding them over a sink and having their way with them), and scored to tie the game up. It wasn't long after that Brad "Marshmount", knocked in the go ahead goal, and Tim Thomas did what he does best. WIN BABY. I can only imagine the level of dialogue going on in TB right now "THAT DARN GAME PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN THE TIME I CAUGHT MY COUSIN SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER!...IT WAS MY TURN!" Go to hell Tampa Bay.

The Red Sox on the other hand have started a new disturbing trend...blowing games in the later innings. Last night, Carl Crawford did everything human to win the game for the Sox, but his HR and 2-4 night wasn't enough. Daniel Bard is continuing his "Ok, maybe we should seriously consider re-signing Papelbon" tour, by not only choking away a lead, but letting Cleveland take the lead. Honestly, if you thought Cleveland was going to be so good this year, maybe you should be betting on horses, because looking at that lineup you can't help but think "How the hell are they winning?" Austin Kearns? Orlando Cabrera? HOW THE FUCK IS ASSDRIBBLE CABRERA DOING SO WELL? I don't know, that game left me scared and confused.

Well have a great day folks, the Sun is finally coming out, so get out of your homes, dwellings and offices and enjoy the damn weather!