Monday, April 26, 2010

They Must Love Hassehloff

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While they may end up third in their division, your 2010 Patriots will boast something no other team will have this year: two guys who speak fluent German. Yes, joining Sebastian "Augustus Gloop" Vollmer will be fifth round punter (wait...FIFTH ROUND PUNTER? for fucksake) Zoltan Mesko. Despite being a giant fucking human waste of a draft pick, Mesko did have this awesome shirt made for him in college by the good people at MGoBlog:

So yeah, the Pats may suck, but we've got the dude with the funny name, so they've got that going for them, which is nice.

Also, I'd be remiss to not comment on the fact that the Pats turned into Gainesville North this weekend, with the drafting of three Gators and the acquisition of Gerard Warren. It's weird - I liked each Gator pick in reverse order. Hernandez, then Spikes, then Cunningham.

Hernandez, simply put, is the best college tight end I've seen in years. He's fast as hell. He has fantastic hands. He LOVES to hurt people. And, should the Patriots employ it, I've never seen someone run that H-Back shovel pass better than Aaron Hernandez. The guy is a special tight end, like Pro Bowl special if utilized correctly. Easily my favorite Patriots pick in a LONG time.

You're going to hear a lot about Spikes' shitty 40 time over the next few days, and concerns about speed will probably dog his entire pro career. Don't buy it. The guy was all over the field in the fastest conference in the country, and would literally rip your eyes out of their sockets to win. And anyone who questions his ability to play should be reminded of his soulraping of Knowshon Moreno a few years back:



Cunningham, despite being the highest drafted, is the ex-Gator I like the least. At no point in his four years in Gainesville did I ever think "thank god we have Jermaine Cunningham." If anything, it was the other Gator DE Carlos Dunlap, who was drafted one pick after Cunningham, that struck fear into the hearts of everyone and pretty much singlehandedly won the Oklahoma national championship game. Of course, Belichick wasn't going to draft Dunlap because of tiny things like "falling asleep in front of a stoplight with a .38 BAC", but that doesn't mean that you have to draft Cunningham either. Cunningham is way undersized, and was made to look much better with all the single coverage due to offenses scheming against Dunlap and Spikes. While I understand what they did (aside from Dunlap, there were no other rush ends on the board left with even third-round grades, let along seconds), I don't necessarily expect much out of Cunningham.

But out of all these Gators, it was actually a *gasp* Alabama Crimson Tide who I was most impressed with among the Pats draftees. That would be DE Brandon Deaderick. Why would I be fawning over a seventh-rounder picked from my sworn enemy? Because the dude was SHOT IN THE ARM during a robbery attempt....and then played Virginia Tech five days later. Next year, I hear the Pats are scouting this running back from Jamaica, Queens:

Friday, April 23, 2010

May I Please Clear Something Up?

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Contrary to what all my followers on Twitter claim, I have nothing against Devin McCourty. In fact, he seems like he could be a very serviceable and explosive player with freak athletic ability. Jesus, he blocked how many punts in college? My problem comes not with the player, but with the Patriots' coach and the alleged system that Patriots fans clamor makes him an infallible genius.

As I sat in front of the television last night watching the draft unfold, I had a sneaking suspicion the Patriots would trade down. Belichick has been talking all off-season about how deep this draft is, and if the last ten years have taught Patriots fans anything, it's that Belichick LOVES value. So when the Patriots traded out of 22, and then out of 25, I figured the next logical step would be trading out of 27 into the 2nd round...maybe grab an extra 3rd round pick along with a 2nd. That would be fine, four picks in the 2nd round of a very deep draft? Sounds great! But that didn't happen, instead the Patriots picked McCourty, who most pundits thought wasn't even the best CB available at the time (Kyle Wilson). So unless I am missing something, the Patriots reached at 27 for a player that in most likelihood would have been available in the 2nd round. In the grand scheme of the Patriots plans, how the hell does this make any sense?

Second, let's forget the value thing for a second and look at the pick. A cornerback, presumably drafted to play 3rd cornerback for the Patriots and a solid special teams player, is certainly a need (Jonathan Wilhite is terrible), but is it really that pressing? Look at all the other missing pieces the Patriots have right now; Wide Receiver, Tight End, Defensive End, Outside Linebacker, Inside Linebacker, Running Back. Is a 3rd Cornerback that pressing of a need? No it's not, especially with so many good options out there that could immediately improve this team and fill slots that still remain empty, mainly with special talents like Dez Bryant and Jerry Hughes. Will the Patriots have anyone next year that will be able to rush the passer? Do you really trust that Wes Welker will be the same Welker next year?

Look, I don't hate this kid, and it's fine that he is on the team. I am just sick and tired of reading yahoo Patriots fans and Belichick apologists constantly making excuses for Lord Belichick. Yes he is a master tactician and talent evaluator, but you also need to realize he makes mistakes, especially in drafts. Look at Chad Jackson. But maybe I am completely wrong about this whole situation. Maybe in one evening Belichick will parlay his four picks into four solutions that will fix the Patriots, but then again he may be an arrogant douche, trade out of the 2nd round with a bunch of the picks and get a whole bunch of 4th-6th round talent. Will that be enough to overtake a much improved Jets team, and a Dolphin team that always plays the Pats tough? Will Tom Brady be throwing to David Patten and Alge Crumpler this season? Will we have to watch Peyton Manning go through an entire game without ending up on his ass at least once? I'm not looking forward to finding out.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Josh Beckett impregnated your girlfriend with his glare

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Yo everyone out there in Hysteria world which at this point must be two of you. I'm at the game tonight freezing my testicles off at the Red Sox game. Luckily after the injuries to Ellsbury and Cameron we are down to our fifth outfielder who is either going to be Darren Bragg or Tom Brunansky. Check out my twitter feed tonight for all the action. Cheers.

www.twitter.com/hzmls
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Saturday, April 10, 2010

BC WINS! BC WINS! BC WINS!

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Sir Gerald Wilthem Montague Yourk IV Esquirer has won his third national championship in the past decade! Take that proletariats at Boston University. Go back to toiling in your ditches and cohorting with the wenches on Comm Ave. 5-0 over the Cheeseheads, no doubt this was a pretty decisive title for the #4 team that beat the #3 and #1 team by a total of 12-1. Alright back to getting smashed but for now the BC fight song!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Mass Hysteria Attempts to Create a New Fantasy Pool

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Now that March Madness is over, the Gambling bug that dwells deep in my soul has become hungry and demands that I continue to waste money. Now I have fantasy baseball, which is cute but literally takes five minutes out of my day to set up. That leaves me with 23 hours and 55 minutes to think of other ways to blow my money. So this afternoon I was tweeting, (you can read my 140 character ramblings here), and I was thinking, how could I get that same adrenaline rush with the NFL draft that I get picking UCLA with the spread against Montana. Then I thought. Let's start a pool on our blog guessing who the Patriots pick in the draft. So here it goes. In the comment section
1. Pick four players that you think the Patriots will draft in the first two rounds (don't give a shit about rounds 3 on).
2. Only thing is, if someone has already picked that combination, you can no longer pick those four together. So if say GHABBY was to choose, Tebow, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen, then that combination is off the board.
3. If one of the picks is traded, then it will be just three picks that will be evaluated.

So let's get it started, winner will get a Mass Hysteria t-shirt (when they are created)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WOWZERS!

HZMLS: Brandon Graham, Demaryius Thomas, Aaron Hernandez, Sergio Kindle


Who you got?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Your New Boston College Basketball Overlord is....

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So my prayers were granted, Al Skinner is gone. The BC coach who led the Eagles to two Sweet Sixteen appearances and has the 3rd best winning percentage in the ACC the past four years was fired two weeks ago. Oh, well. Before I move on to the new BC coach, I want to make a few things clear. Al Skinner was an excellent coach, that made the most out of his players. He and Bill Coen found hidden gems Craig Smith, Sean Williams, Jared Dudley and Tyrese Rice. These were all guys that most elite schools didn't care about, yet somehow Skinner made them superstars. As I think of his tenure at BC my favorite year of basketball was BC's final year in the Big East, when they beat Georgetown and the then top 25 Syracuse team with Hakim Warrick and Gerry McNamara. It was really a magical year, a year I went to every home game, no matter who they played, but I digress. Things really turned on Skinner last year, when he recruited NO ONE. Not a single fucking player was brought to Chestnut Hill to play for BC, which made watching Biko Paris and Josh Southern implode on the court that much harder. The stands were empty, unless the opponent was Duke or UNC, which wasn't surprising because the Eagles were painfully bad to watch. Finally as rumors floated that Skinner really wasn't much of a recruiter (his assistants were), and he was really lazy (showing up to campus around noon, and practices halfway through if at all), GDF fired Skinner. Woop dee doo. Bye bye scary mouth man, no more nightmares for me.


So who did BC replace him with? BC's prodigal son Bruce Pearl? Yeah right. Pearl has a primo job down at UT with all his own recruits, why the hell would he leave that to go to a town that openly acknowledges that they don't give a shit about college sports? He wouldn't. And I almost died when I saw BC fans throwing around the name "Brad Stevens", because that is batshit insanity right there. Stevens at this point can write his own story, go whereever he wants for whatever price he demands, BC was never on that list. A cute dream, but an illusion nonetheless. So who did we end up with? Steve Donahue.

Now many of you may think I am going to slam this decision but honestly I'm not. I think what we saw out of Cornell this year was alot of exciting basketball (They almost beat Kansas), and a coach that is making a lot of promises (a la Coach Jags). How can you not get excited when he promises that he is going to turn this team around and make them relevant again? I thought Skinner needed to go, the team had gotten stale, he was not utilizing his prospects the way he should have (if I had to watch Reggie Jackson run the flex I was going to scream). Think a coach that actually lets his team run the floor, wow, exciting huh? But the biggest question that remains is how will Donahue sell this team to recruits and the fan base that would rather get sloshed in the Mods then see a BC-Maine game. The next few years should be interesting to say the least.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sippin on Gin and Juice, LAAAIIIDDDD BACK

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Sorry it's been a while folks, but this post needed to happen. There are so many things with this picture that just explode with an orgasm of awesomeness all over my face.

1. Dr. Dre in a Red Sox uniform
2. Dr. Dre taking batting practice
3. Dr. Dre hit a ball off the wall, meaning on Sunday Dr. Dre hit the ball further than David Ortiz.

As we saw on Sunday this team does not need more hitting; they will hit the ball fine. What this team does need is a tad of what they call gangsta. Sure, they have the scruffy sweatyhead and chinbeard of Youkilis, and the fuck-yeah brigade and Josh Beckett, but do they have this?


If Theo wants to win this year, just throw on The Chronic, and I will guarantee at least 4 dead Bloods and 95 wins. At least throw Dre in the lineup every five days, and he could just stare at the pitchers and sneer, "Hey man, my boy Eazy needs some company, wanna join him?" Guarantee the pitcher will throw hanging curveballs every pitch. Bad case scenario he couldn't be any worse than Varitek right? And I bet he could bag Heidi Watney just by looking at her.

Hey Dre. Drop Detox. Please.

R.I.P. Kyle Singler

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Lost in the shuffle of last night's National Championship game was the unfortunate end to Kyle Singler in a death-by-pick tragedy. Singler was rushing up court when he slammed into Matt "Hair Lip" Howard and was killed instantly. Coroners have determined the cause of death to be a combination of albinism, hemophilia, allergies to sunlight, and getting LAID THE FUCK OUT. The above photo shows Singler's last moments alive. The Duke medical staff asked the doctors not to rule out the fact that Duke players are constantly told to go down when there is even the slightest bit of contact, but when they saw him leaving the court in a body bag, they became concerned. A bit of good news, however: Singler's family has not ruled out allowing his corpse to star in the next Twilight movie.

Monday, April 5, 2010

AT&T Can Go To Hell (And Other Opening Day Observations)

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So remember all that live-tweeting and Facebook-page-updating and trying-to-be-funny posting I promised everyone last night? Well someone didn't tell AT&T my plans (or maybe you did cuz you hate me... bastards...) because from the time I got to the Fenway area at 7 all the way through getting to our seats, the anthem, the 7th inning stretch, Dirty Water, etc. etc. etc. I had no service on my phone. And it wasn't just me - literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talked to/overheard with AT&T couldn't check their email, Facebook, texts, phone calls, etc. It was pathetic. I've already fired off an angry, hangover-fueled email to AT&T, fully expecting a "Thank you for making us aware of this issue, Smarty. We realize there is a problem and we are working diligently to resolve it. As always, thanks for being a loyal AT&T customer. AT&T - More bars in more places." response. Blow me. If I wasn't so hopelessly in love with the iPhone, I would drop you clowns so fast.

So being that I couldn't regale you with updates during the game, I'll summarize as best I can from what I remember of this kick-ass Opening Day:

*Dr. Dre is in better shape than C.C. Sabathia.

*I usually don't get all amped up over a fly-over, or fireworks or crap like that, but I gotta say it pumped me up.

*Pedro coming out and throwing out the first pitch = GALLONS OF AWESOMEJUICE.

*Mike Lowell got a thunderous ovation. Awesome. Can we trade you now?

*Also a huge hand for Tek as he walked to the bullpen. Thanks for taking your benching in stride.

*If you're a Red-Sox-fan hater, this was a perfect game to be at. Seriously, I was completely ashamed to be at this game. Where have all the real fans gone? Let's see, we had an obese chick wearing a shirt with WAAAYYYY too much cleavage and Y O U K plastered across her cans in lipstick. Stay classy. And eat a goddamn salad for once. We also had a "fan" in front of us turn around to see K-cards that were being handing out before the game. He promptly asked "What's the K stand for?" /facepalm

*And just the general atmosphere of the game was not conducive to REAL fans at all. The biggest ovation of the night went to Neil Diamond (who came out in the 8th to sing Sweet Caroline. Corny. He sounded awful too.). There were constant fights in the stands, and someone in our section tried to start the wave in the TOP OF THE SECOND INNING, and by the way, coaxed it in the wrong direction. Some 5-year old kid gave the speech from Miracle before the game. Cuz you know how 1980's Olympic Hockey and 2010 Major League Baseball have such huge parallels. And Steven Tyler sang God Bless America (which ALSO sucked). Listen, I'm all for fun stuff at the park, but it's this kind of pandering that takes the game away from the serious fans. Paraphrasing a bit from Pete Abe here, but if people want to sing along to Neil Diamond and slap beach balls around and drink and chat and do the wave, then stay home! You can do all that in your living room! And let the people that really want to watch the game come to watch it. Look, I have no problem with having fun and tradition and surprise guests, but when it starts to take away from the enjoyment of the game, then it starts to bother me. When people are more excited to see Neil Diamond in a Sox hat than they are to see Pedroia go deep to tie the game in the 7th, then there's a problem.
END RANT.

*Last one, I promise, then I'll get to actual game stuff. Can Sox fans get together and maybe come up with some decent insults for Yankee fans? There were 2 Bronx bozos behind us and the insults tossed their way were WEAK. "Yah dood, yoo ahh gayyy!" "Dood gai, fack you! Yankees sahhck!" "Brutthah, yooo sahhhck!" Really? That's all we got? Come on guys, maybe game-plan a little.

*OK, onto the game: The Yankee fans behind us were commenting on how a HR that dings off Pesky's pole is "the cheapest home run in baseball." I couldn't really disagree. Less than 5 minutes later, Posada drills it, right on cue. They quickly celebrated his monstrous and heroic bomb. High-fives and ass pats for everyone.

*When it got to be 5-1, I kind of settled back in my seat, sort of like the father of the worst kid on the Little League team. "Come on now, let's just have a good at bat!" "Wow, that was a big swing! Almost!" "Yay! Nice eye!" "Just try your hardest, that's all that matters to me!" I leaped out of my seat in mock celebration when the Sox got their second hit. Little did I know that it WAS the start of a pretty sick rally.

*Coming back from deficits of 2-0 and 5-1 against one of the best pitchers in the AL is no small feat - "BUT DOOD GAI, DA OFFENSE SAHHHKS! WE NEED TA TRADE LIKE BOWDEN AND LAAHS ANDIZSIN TO DA PAAHHDS TO GET GAHNZALIZ, GAI! DOOD HE IS PISSAHHH!"

*Say what you want about the Yankees offense, but they have absolutely NO answer for Scott Schoeneweis. The Cy Young voting is pretty much a formality now.

*The Chan Ho Park era couldn't have had a greater beginning. I smelled yard work as soon as I saw him warming.

*Bard in the 8th, Papelbon in the 9th. Pitching, defense, run-prevention (!!!!), and, oh yeah, SCORING NINE FUCKING RUNS. That's how we do it.

P.S. - I'm think I'm going to grow to love this man:

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Oh Hey! There's A Baseball Game Tonight!

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Ay, Robinson!

The holiest of holy days in our entire calendar.

...wait, Christians? HELL NO. Sox fans, bitch. I pray to the Lord Theo and routinely give readings from the book of Francona. Yes, kids, it's Opening Day, let us bow our heads and pray for Beckett's blessing. And to top it off, it's against the Yanks, yikes! Let's play some ball!

I will be in attendance for this occasion, and will be providing updates on my Twitter, @SmartyBarrett, so be sure to follow me, or at least read it, talk shit, whatever! Check on it during the game, my iPhone is sure to be going nuts from the first pitch to the last out. Or comment here - either way, it's going to be a fucking BLAST. Enjoy it, everyone!