Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Sometimes It's Good to Drop a Baby

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So the artist formerly known as Glen "Big Baby" Davis is now the artist currently known as Glen Davis. And with that, Glen is currently searching for a new nickname. Awesome, right? There's got to be a ton! Why we could go with... what's that, Glen?

"'Uno Uno,'" Davis erupted in delight. "I like that, I like that. I'll be 'Uno Uno,' that's my new name."

Oh wow, there's an original one! Wow, let's just start calling everyone by their jersey numbers in Spanish! Alex Rodriguez, you're no longer A-Rod: you're Uno Tres. Big Papi? Nope: Tres Cuatro. AK47? Try Cuatro Siete.

See how boring and unoriginal that is? Jeez, Glen, leave it to the experts, i.e. us.
Here's Mass Hysteria's list of potential new nicknames for Glen Davis:

Glandular Baby
Big-Boned
Husky Baby
Big Cholesterol
The Other Dark Meat
Glass Hands McFatty
Big ChildSteamroller
Fat Men Can't Jump
King Hippo
The Abominable Abdominal
The Mad Phat Trans Fat
Marcellus Wallace
"Now Starting in Tonight's Celtics Loss.."
Worst.KG Insurance.Ever.
Not-Glenn Davis
Hugh Grant ....think about it.

Top 5 QB's of all time: Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre

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Tom Jackson isn't a bright bulb, his idiocy goes all the way back to when he said the Patriots hate Bill Belichick, but this quote is a real doozy (from Pinstripe Alley):

"So last night Brett Favre throws an interception that costs his team a trip to the Super Bowl. You think he's going to be ripped for it, but within minutes of the game ending the ESPN talking heads are launching right back into that "he's like a kid out there/he's a gunslinger" baloney. The best one was Tom Jackson who said "That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. That's one of the things I most admire about him."

We all know Brett Favre is a good ole Southern boy, who likes to lay out on the line, have fun, show determination and grit, feel comfortable in Wrangler jeans, and is a Riverboat gambler but this takes the cake. I thought of other people Tom Jackson must admire

"That's the thing about Tiger Woods; he's not afraid to bang 50 women. That's one of the things I most admire about him."

"That's the thing about Michael Jackson; he's not afraid to molest kids. That's one of the things I most admire about him."

"That's the thing about Adolf Hitler; he's not afraid to annihilate the Jewish race. That's one of the things I most admire about him."

Mass Hysterians what can you come up with?



H/T To Pinstripe Alley and 98.5 the Sports Hub for scooping this.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Opposing Offenses You Have Been Warned

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Mark Herzlich is some sort of god/ Hercules creation.

There I said it. After missing the entire 2009 season with Ewing's Sarcoma, and beating the ever loving shit out of his cancer, Herzlich is back. What did the BC linebacker do while battling cancer and receiving chemo? Oh, just continued to lift weights, work out, and raise almost $200,000 for cancer research. And he never threw up from the radiation. Rumor has it that he was still lifting 250 pounds in the midst of his treatment. Jesus Christ, I can honestly say that if I got cancer, I would be in bed crying from pain, and it would be a minor miracle if I could get out of bed so I don't shit my boxers (probably Depends at that point).

How the hell is Mark Herzlich practicing a year after being diagnosed with a potentiall fatal cancer? Because he was sprouted from the loins of Zeus, that's why. Next year, as he leads the Eagles out of the tunnel against Weber State, I expect him to be carrying a huge American flag, carrying Osama Bin Laden's head by his turban. If an NFL career doesn't work out for Herzlich, I could forsee a career in rebuilding Haiti by himself, overnight, or possibly fixing the National deficit with nothing more than a abacus, a paperclip and some string.

Personally, I am beyond pumped to see BC next year. Beyond that I am a giant sap, that almost cried numerous times watching videos of his recovery, I think he is going to be AWESOME next year. Fluff pieces happen so infrequently here on Mass Hysteria, but my love of Herzlich is bordering on creepy, stalkerish, Matt Ryan level. You have all been warned.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Glen Davis Doesn't Handle Hecklers Well *UPDATE*

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Oh boston.com, you and your tongue-in-cheek headlines.

Mixed in with last night's game was an obnoxious fan who heckled Big Baby all game, calling him "fat boy" and "chubbs". Davis handled this like any rational, level-headed human being would - he demanded that the man fellate him.

During a time-out, Davis responded by yelling to man, "Suck my dick!" as his Celtic teammates and Celtics coaching staff looked on unable to do anything but shake their heads.

Oh yeah, and it was picked up by both the TV and radio mics, broadcast for all to hear. Awesome.

So if Davis is in need of a new song to blast out of the speakers when he enters the game, may I suggest some Akinyele?

*UPDATED - WITH VIDEO!*

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Your Drive Home Just Got 1/4 More Tolerable

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Pete Sheppard was fired today. To start off I am not a fan of WEEI. At all. I hate everything about the station from the racist douchebags Dennis and Callahan in the morning, to the Big Show where the entire cast just yells over each other. If I had my way, I would dance around and do a friggin rain dance naked in front of the station if their signal was destroyed. If you aren't familiar the show basically consists of four loud mouthed blowhards, who have some bizarre homo-erotic crush on Tom Brady, hate liberals, gays and blacks, and don't understand statistics. The show ends with the "Whiner Line" which are a group of insanely unfunny morons, who listen to these assholes on a daily basis, and make stupid quips about what happened on the show* . Sheppard is Big O's trusty sidekick, who's "MO" is that he is a stammering fat retard, that the rest of the crew beats on.

A basic Big Show consist of a conversation like this

Big O/Pete Sheppard/DeOssie/Smerlas (all at once): I just don't know about this sabermetrics/black people talk and dress funny/college sports are for commies and the French/ Liberals are a bunch of panty wearing queers.

Well 1/4 of the reason I bought Sirius/XM is leaving, too bad the rest of those clowns still have jobs. Due to the "economy" Sheppard was canned by WEEI today, and was seen leaving in a trail of bacon and jelly doughnut scented tears. I feel no pity for him, the show was about intolerable as it gets. I mean I'm all about poop and fart jokes, but not when they are told by two of the assholes that would be the type that hung me by my underwear from my locker.

"Hey Steve. Guess what I saw?"
"What Fred, a great deal on Prime Rib at our steak house?"
"No, Sheppard was taking a poop in the bathroom"
"Darhaharahar. when i played for the giants, i was most known for making poops and patting guys on the butt! duhduhduhduhddh This is why we are rated number one! Ok, let's go make out with 13 year olds"
"Pre-puberty rocks!" (smashes head into radio board)


And when the callers were put on the air the show got even better!

"Hey Big O. The Sawx have gotta go out there and make a trade."
" Well you know, they already have enough pitching."
"Yeah whatever you fat bastard. If I was Theo I would trade the Marlins, Jason Varitek, a Fenway Frank and the Dropkick Murphys for Hanley Ramirez. Oh and I'll throw in Deval Patrick"
"Caller, I understand you. Patrick is a child molester loving liberal with a flowers in his hair who hugs trees! These hippies want to take your money and legalize murder! Global warming was created by Satan and Bill Polian. I just farted! Tom Brady is the bestest quarterback in the league. Durdurdurdur."

Sheppard, best of luck to you pal. Hope you find another job somewhere else. Just not in Boston, well I got skiing up north alot, so why don't you find a job in say Chattanooga. I hear the rednecks like inane, pointless banter. And please if you are a Big Show regular listener, and all this offends you get the hell off our blog.


*To be honest though the Robert Kraft impersonator is REALLY funny.

Reason # 481,516 to Hate ESPN

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So I just stumbled across this poll on ESPN.com, which in itself is a tad ridiculous (how can you possibly compare a DE and a WR in the simple terms of "Who's better?"?), but the results are even worse.

That's right, kids. The WWL has brainwashed us into thinking - wait for it - Brett Favre is better than Adrian Peterson.

Read that again.

Brett Favre > Adrian Peterson.

....

/head asplodes

....

As an FYI, my vote is on the right. I may be a tad biased, but I stick by my top 15 or so.

BC needs to play Miami nine more times

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After looking like utter balls for the past month BC somehow beat The U for the second time this year. Now beating a school that cares only about their felonious football team and Bo Schembeckler shouldn't matter much but it does. Because as one of the few remaining BC bball fans that doesn't wear a paper bag over his head, wins are wins. Will they win again this year? There is a better chance that Martha Coakley will win the senate seat in two years. BTW great campaign moron. She is like the 2004 Yankees, strong start and wimpered at the end. This is the only political reference you will see on this site that doesn't involve Lord Palmerstone. Now you can all resume not giving a rats ass about BC SPORTS.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

He Looks Like Someone Just Gave Him Permission To Eat An Entire Wedding Cake

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Really? Ya mean it, no foolin'?

Look at this man.

He looks like Superman with Type II Diabetes.
He looks like he's peeling away layers of fat to show his support.
He looks like Brian Scalabrine with cirrosis of the liver.
He looks like a very "special" former athlete-turned-competitive-eater.

He looks like...

Yours in the comments.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Nation's Final Hope

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Dear Drew Brees,
You're it. You're all we have left. It's up to you to stand down and defeat what, most certainly, would be the most fellatio-ridden two weeks in media history. Unless you play at your best, we will be forced to endure millions of stories involving the words "gunslinger," "like a kid out there" and "Brett Favre is my hero *slurpslurpslurp*." Peter King, Terry Bradshaw, Mike Lupica, Chris Berman and every other hack journalist across this country will spend two full weeks walking around fully engorged, writing love letters with their erect phalluses. Yes Drew. Typing with their penises.

If you cannot succeed, a 40-year-old Brett Favre will make it to the Super Bowl, causing the internet, if not the entire universe, to implode, killing all of us. Our lives are in your hands Drew. Our lives. Are in. Your Hands.

Please win next Sunday Drew Brees. A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Truth About Dice-K

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(through translator)

I am here to set the record straight like Mark McGwire. And my confessions will be just as timely. Last year I failed to inform Red Sox trainers that I had injured myself before the WBC, and had played hurt for much of the year. I also lied about my training regiment, when I said "twenty minute sprints" I meant "4 hours of playing Rock Band on my XBOX" and when I said "200 crunches a day" I should have said "all night anime marathon with buttered popcorn and 7-11 Grape slurpees". Before I get myself in more trouble I want to come clean on a few other things:

* In the three years I have played in Boston I have latched on to Jonathan Papelbon to learn English. At this point the only words I have picked up are: Skoal, Dropkick Murphys, Colt .45's, hemi engines, and big tittied broads.

* Two months ago I went to a karaoke bar near Bentley College. After my fantastic rendition of Herrs Berrs by AC/DC I sake bombed with the frat boys that were drinking at the bar. They kept saying to my wife Rockets "me love you long time" and "me so horny". Oki (who was with me at the time) told me I should have used my martial arts training to kick their ass, but honestly the only time I've tried it was after watching a Bruce Lee movie. The frat boys kicked my ass and after they were done they took my wife home with them and left me in a dumpster.

*Mr. Epstein has naked pictures of me, Scott Boras, transexual prostitutes and a donkey. That's the only reason Mr. Boras took that deal

* I actually really hate baseball. The reason I throw 130 pitches by the third inning of game is because I've been in a hurry to catch up on the first 8 seasons of American Idol on the clubhouse DVR.

* I have to come clean and admit, that I have tried both steroids and HgH. But instead of pitching better, the drugs just allowed me to long toss for 4 hours before a game.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

NyQuil is one hell of a drug.

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I have been sick all week with SuperSARSSwineBovianFlu. As I wandered around in a NYQuil induced daze last night I stumbled over to my computer and checked out my Google Reader feed. MLBTraderumors opened and I thought to myself "Wow Pink Elephant! the Red Sox signed Brian Shouse to a minor league contract But what will that do about the giant emu growing out of my arm? Wow. Big.Fucking.Deal. I thought to myself how old is this guy? Off to the land of the Wiki, weeeeeeeeeeeeee! He's 41. Ok so at least he is younger than Tim Wakefield. Wait is he still any good? Baseball-reference. Meh. Wait, at this point in his career who is Shouse most similar to.





Oh great, the Red Sox re-signed Tony Fossas.

MAKE THE POUNDING IN MY HEAD STOP!!

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Want to know how shit poor bad the Boston College basketball season has gone? They lost to this guy, jesus he looks like my favorite mormon Jonathan Heder. Remember the guy that did Napoleon Dynamite and then made a bunch of films that were incredibly unfunny because his religion doesn't allow him to swear or show boobies? Well anyways Kyle Singler, Duke's next white player extraordinaire, next "superstar" at Duke, who will undoubtedly will vanish in March, and completely implode in the NBA. Not that BC can talk, though Jared Dudley is having quite a year in the NBA, but at least their basketball program isn't hyped up to the point of vomiting by the main stream media. Anyway BC got their ass handed by Singler and the rest of Duke yesterday at Cameron Stadium. BC completely fell asleep in the 2nd half after actually leading at one point, which makes this loss suck even more.

Well Boston College blows. Everyone already knows that they lost to Maine, St. Joes and Harvard. Right now they are more clueless than I was when I finally got to be with a girl. BC just kind of fumbles around, every once in a while something works for a little bit, but in the end everyone leaves feeling like a miserable failure. At this point who the hell knows what Al Skinner is thinking, it seems like his basic game plan consists of:

1. Pass the ball around the perimeter
2. Fail to get the ball inside
3. Rush and take ill advised outside shot
4. Fail to get rebound
5. Get burned on transition
6. Slash wrists
7. Repeat

This past month has been hard being an Eagle fan after watching BC football get burned by USC, and BC hockey lose to BU at Fenway. This basketball team is terrible, there is no way to deny it. The way the Eagles are playing it wouldn't surprise me if BC loses out the rest of their schedule. My only question is HOW THE HELL DID MIAMI LOSE TO THIS TEAM?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Say It Ain't So: The Globe Cries Wolf Again

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Today's latest effort in Globe shit-stirring sounded the Defcon 5 alarm when their crack staff finally realized that Tom Brady's contract is up at the end of the 2010 season. Given that they're a) retarded and b) desperate for any sort of readership whatsoever, they floated the idea that Brady might not be re-signed after next season.

After making an actual indentation of my palm into my face, I decided to actually do something constructive, and point out the various and asundry ways that this conclusion is among the more retarded things ever written:

1) Unless the Brian Hoyer Sex Train to Superbowlville is part of Belichick's master plan, there have been no efforts whatsoever to groom a quarterback behind Brady in preparations for his departure. None. Zero. And I will bet you my left testicle that the Pats aren't trading up for Bradford or Clausen in April.

2) While the playoff FAIL is still in our minds, Brady still threw for 4400 yards and 28 fucking touchdowns this year, apparently with three broken ribs, a broken finger and a chafed dick from banging his supermodel wife. Have you ever tried to get anything accomplished the day after all-night sex marathon? Hell, I have trouble walking for two days after throwing it in a 4 for an hour. Imagine that, all night, every night, with a 10.

3) The last season Brady was fully healthy, he won the MVP and set a record for TD passes. Which means that Brady, when healthy and allowed to fulfill his potential, is insanely, record-settingly good.

4) Brady has repeatedly taken pay cuts and restructured his contract for the good of the team. He's already a multigazillionaire, and he's married to another multigazillionaire. The dude's not exactly hurting for money, and has a good enough head on his shoulders to know that if he asks for the moon (even in an uncapped year), it will restrict the team's ability to obtain a solid foundation of players around him. Like, say, an offensive line that doesn't get him gangraped on every play.

5) Even if Brady does ask for Manning Dollars, the Pats aren't loaded down with sandbagging contracts that would restrict them from paying their most important player market value. Again, that's assuming that the NFLPA and owners agree to a salary cap in 2011. If they don't, the Pats are one of the highest revenue-generating teams in the league, and will assuredly have the dough to invest in the face of their franchise.

6) Most importantly: Newspaper writers in Boston are missing, on average, 15 chromosomes per beat writer.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Gilbert Arenas: Shoe Shitter

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From today's
excellent Washington Post piece on Gilbert Arenas came this corn-filled little nugget:

"Arenas, a notorious practical joker, often crossed the line of acceptable decorum. The example often cited was how Arenas once defecated in teammate Andray Blatche's shoe during Blatche's rookie season."

Furthermore, imaginary sources tell this reporter that Arenas, rather than yelling "Hibachi," screamed "Burrito" whilst defecating in the shoe. More news at 11.

DO NOT Draft This Man

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ESPN's Chad Ford has him ranked 8th among all available draft prospects. Nbadraft.net has him 12th. Draft Express has him 5th. Yes kids, Cole Aldrich is going to make a ton of money next year as a lottery pick in the NBA.

And it will be a giant, massive, humongous mistake. Why? Because Cole Aldrich is terrible.

But let's back up for a second. With my move last week to the losing side of the War of Northern Aggression, I have the opportunity to attend college sports on a slightly higher level than "Northeastern-Maine." And when the No. 1 team in the country and their sure-fire lottery pick made their way into Knoxville yesterday, I had to go.

I went in expecting a blowout, especially given that Tennessee just lost four of their best players, including their best player, F Tyler Smith. The Vols were down to nine warm bodies, four of which were walk-ons. One of those walk-ons? Stevie Pearl, the coach's friggin kid, who had a gaudy 0.5 ppg average. As someone who hates UT with the fire of a thousand suns, I was positvely giddy at the prospect of the prison-rape that Kansas was about to put on 22,000 orange-clad yahoos.


Except the exact opposite happened. To say that the Vols were inspired by the suspension brouhaha is to say that T-Pain is slightly overproduced. The remaining Vol players collectively inflated their testicles to grapefruit size and brought it rough and without lube to Kansas. Tennessee muscled Kansas around in the paint, sunk timely threes, never let the KU guards penetrate, and generally never let up against the top team in the country. UT took the lead early and never relinquished it, culminating in a MONEY three from walk-on Skylar McBee with 34 seconds left that sealed the deal for UT. (Side note: this was by far the loudest, most raucous game I've ever been at. Absolutely insane. My ears are still ringing this morning. It made a Celtics playoff game look like a nursing home)

But back to Aldrich, the reason for this post. After seeing him live and in person, against a completely undermanned squad no less, I can safely say that Cole Aldrich is a giant stiff. His body actually circulates formaldehyde. Gheorge Muresan laughs at him. He has the grace of a foal being born.


Sure, the box score will tell you that Aldrich had seven points, four blocks and 18 rebounds against UT, but let me tell you the truth here - he's the reason that Kansas lost that game. I saw him execute exactly one low-post move in the entire game, and when KU needed scoring in crunch time, Aldrich was either nowhere to be seen or on the bench completely. And it's not like he was playing Dwight Howard and Josh Smith here - UT's top post player played less than 20 minutes due to foul trouble, and he was matched up mostly against walk-ons and freshmen. Given all that, Aldrich could still do NOTHING on the offensive end. A sure-fire lottery pick, seemingly the best low post player in the country, an All-American...and he couldn't get shots off against Bruce Pearl's kid Stevie.

So buyer beware NBA teams. If you're considering drafting Cole Aldrich, and a lot of teams are, know what you're getting. Yes, he can rebound and block the occasional shot, but make no mistake: Cole Aldrich's best-case scenario is a five-inches-shorter Hasheem Thabeet, and his worst case could be closer to the last big white stiff center to come out of Kansas...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Maybe next year?

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Today was just an epic bucket of shit loving:

a) Brady Fail
b) Where the fuck was Moss during the entire game FAIL
c) Running Game fail
d) Running Defense fail
e) Stephen G.'s FG fail
f) HZMLS's sobriety fail.



P.S I hate to say it, but I told you so. Score one for this asshole.

That my friend is

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A) a touchdown
B) a two point conversion
C) the game
D) all of the above
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Oh well

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I hate that the Patriots are losing to stabby stab stab RAY RAY. But at least this challenge will let us know if Sandra Bullock saved the poor black kid or not.
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Halftime

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LT is being interviewed and being at Hooters I can't hear what he said but I can assume it was "waaa waaaa I get hurt all time waaa waaaa my career is over." Lt do you see that munchkin Darren Sproles, he's going to take your job very....

That being said I think the Chargers are going to win the AFC
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Shalom biatch

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Hebrew Edelman just gave me a tiny chub in my pants. I love the tribe of David so much. Uncircumsized Jews rule!
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RIP PATRIOTS SEASON

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See you next year.
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Friday, January 8, 2010

This Post Will Probably Piss You All Off

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Look, I love the Patriots, and I really really want to see them win on Sunday. I just don't think it's going to happen. No, I haven't swallowed the medias bullshit, and this has nothing to do with the bet I have going on with my father. I just think when you look at everything, this season, at this time the Ravens are a better team.

But HZMLS, the Pats already beat the Ravens at home. Why would they lose this time?

If you remember that game, then you can also recollect how close the Patriots came to losing that game. If the Ravens didn't shoot themselves in the foot with stupid penalties, and a god awful drop at the end of the game, the Patriots would have lost it. No doubt in my mind. And that was with Wes Welker.

Enough has been said about our white bread Wide Receiver, who won't be playing Sunday. There is no one on that roster that can play a solid #2 WR. Sam Aiken is a nice story, but can he catch 5-8 passes a game? I doubt it. Look at the depth chart, who else could they throw out there? Matthew Slater? And listen, just because they are shaped the same, and have the same colored skin, Julian Edelman is not Wes Welker. He just isnt', he doesn't have the hands, speed, or knowledge of the Patriot's offense that Welker has. So what will the Patriots do on offense with Moss being double covered the entire game? If your answer is run the ball, understand that the Ravens run defense is one of the best in the league, and held the Patriots to 2.8 yards per carry. Yards are going to be hard to come by. This post is making my head hurt.

Then there is the defense, the same defense that allowed Joe Flacco to throw for 267 yards last game, and was torched by Ray Rice. Wilfork and Warren are probably not going to be playing at 100%. Will they be able to stop the Ravens offense, and prevent them from pointing up points? God I hope so, but I doubt it. I know the game is at Foxboro, and the Patriots don't lose playoff games in the cold, but there are just too many glaring holes in this team for them to continue this trend.

So Patriots fans, you can let me hear it. I am picking the Baltimore Ravens to win on Sunday at Foxboro. The troubles on offense are just too glaring to go up against such a great defense, and I think the Brady will struggle. Yes, immortal Tom Brady probably will have an off game Sunday, a la Denver 2006. I expect him to be shooting lots of glares at his o-line, and receivers, kind of the "What the fuck, do I have to do everything myself" look.

I will be at Fenway tonight rooting for the Eagles, so if you see me and want to launch trash, used condoms, and dirty diapers feel free to. God I hope I'm wrong.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A message from the NFL ProShop

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You-za can git yo' own Randy Moss mask offishoully at the NFL pros-shop. Iz you a white boi' from Ransndolf that is finnin to luk like yo' favourite Patriots Wides Receiver? Iz Amos n' Andy yo' favorite radio show? Then this is the mask fo' you! Looks at the nappy hair, and the big lips. Hellz we got all of the black features down pat fo sho! Heres at the NFL Proshop we'zah neva hurd of black face, and seez nuthin' wrong wit' sellin' you diz mask for $40. That's like 6 packs of Kool cigs! So if youzah headin down to the game on Sunday, youzah better be sure to bring yo' Randy Moss mask!

If you are upset that Alomar, Blyleven, Larkin and Martinez didn't make the Hall...

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Just remember.....



This graboid has a HOF vote....


AND....

Post Script

And this cretin left his entire ballot blank!


I'm glad to see the talking heads on Around the Horn are so relevant.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

At least they beat the New Jersey Institute of Technology

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Yes they lost to Harvard....again

And they lost to Rhody (which watching the way the Rams play isn't all that bad)

But last weekend BC lost to Maine. Yes Maine. I didn't even know Maine had a basketball team before this game. I thought the only varsity sports they had was Hockey and Bear Trapping. Maine's varsity program is so backwoods they actually do their recruiting online. No, honestly, you can actually apply to be recruited on their website. This system has an inherent flaw though, because most people in Maine don't have computers let alone the internet. The last person that mentioned the world wide web to a Mainer was stoned to death for heresy.

So here is a question, like Dave Shinskie I still have 5 years of college eligibility left. Should I apply to play, hell I don't know, football at Maine? The weight I have gained from years of drinking have given me enough weight to not get killed. Plus I can read and write, which is a plus.

Gosh Darn It I Couldn't be Prouder!

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Yahoooo!!!!! I'm a New York Met now. Woopee!! Wowsers there are two hockey squads in this town ay? Man this is great! The best part about playing here, the baseball diamond behind me looks like a pancake, and you know what my favorite drink is right? MAPLE SYRUP! Speaking of which, Omar Minaya sold me on being a Met by promising me three extra cases of Big Steve Canuck's Real Maple Syrup, none of that Mrs. Buttersworths junk. I came here to win to New York because I want to win a championship, and with a rotation of Oliver Perez, John Maine an eh is El Duque, it is an inevitable as a Quebecaneer being queer moose lover! Darharharar!!!!Oh I can hear it now, the victory parade, over the loud speakers EEEEEVVVVVERRRYYYYTTTHHHIING I DOOOOOOOOOO, I DOOOOO IT FOR YOU. New Yorkers, you think Jay Z is a special musician, wait until you rock out to Bryan Adams! This year is going to be so special, New Yorkers you are going to be so proud of me! I promise to live in the long tradition of Mets greats such as Bobby Bonilla, Moises Alou, Luis Castillo, and Pedro Martinez! Aw shucks, I am so happy!

A Compromise We Can All Live With

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Last night the final move was made by Herr Theo, and it was a brilliant move. No he didn't trade forAdrian Gonzalez, but he completed what could be his most masterful off-season to date. Adrian Beltre is coming to the Red Sox, a third baseman who next to Evan Longoria is the best defensive third baseman in the league, and whose offense has mired in pitchers parks for most of his career. He isn't going to hit 48 home runs, but for a one or two year experiment (depending on the option), he is definitely a solid signing. When looking at this signing take out last year, it was a complete fluke, he had terrible bone spurs that made him a bigger invalid than GHABBY, and in August he took a ball to the balls, which...god that is fate I wouldn't wish on anybody. Beltre isn't a bad hitter at all. I tweeted about it last night (yeah I know, tweeting is for queermos)
In 2008 Beltre had an OBP that was .40 higher on the road, and an OPS that was. 160 higher away from Safeco. Add in that Fenway was made for pull hitters like Beltre, and the stats clearly show he is going to be a good investment.


Listen Red Sox fans, this team is not going to look like the teams that won the World Series in 2004 an '07. Our lineup is no longer going to strike fear into pitchers, instead defense and good pitching is going to be what the Sox relies on to win. Is it going to be as fun to watch? Well it depends on what you are looking for, if you like to see 11-9 games then probably not, but if you get chubbys seeing great defensive plays and epic pitching performances 2010 will be the year for you. The Red Sox have arguably the best pitching staff top to bottom in ALL OF BASEBALL, and defensively they are the best. Bar none, Youk, Scutaro, Beltre and Pedroia are all Gold Glove caliber infielders. And things get better in the OF, Drew, Cameron and Ellsbury are all great outfielders. And they are going to win, alot, as Globe writer Peter Abraham put it "That is a far more consistent and predictable way to wins games than loading up on offense."

Ellsbury apologists you get to keep your man, and honestly I am totally ok with that. He isn't going anywhere for the time being, and will definitely be our starting CF come opening day. He is a great player and it would be better for our system if we can wait until next year to sign Adrian Gonzalez. Now the question remains, what do we do with Mike Lowell? My response, get rid of him at all costs. I understand he is a great clubhouse guy, and blah blah blah, but he can barely field his position and has a hip condition that is not going to get any better. This is baseball and a business folks, a business of winning and losing, and Lowell is old and pretty worn out. He has become kind of like the Old Yeller of the Red Sox, a loyal friend that is old and sick, and needs to....well I'm not advocating that he should be shot, but he if taking him behind the shed can be an analogy for trading him, I will go with it.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Who's Ready For Some Playoff Football!!!!

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Ironically enough I was in line at a liquor store when I saw it happen. Watching it on the TV right above the beer, I knew it right away. Welker was fucked. As I saw him limp back to the locker room and in a manner that was eerily similar to Tom Brady last year, my skin got clammy and cold, and I decided maybe a 12 rack was going to be necessary to make it through the game. The announcers didn't need to say anything, it was pretty clear that Welker was going to miss alot of time. Definitely the entire playoffs, most likely good chunks of 2010 as well. This morning, we found out the worst, WEEI reports that Welker is going to miss ALL of next season. Our firecrackery-gritty-grinding-whatever other adjective best describes "quick and fast white wide receiver", will not be a factor next season.

Shit.

At the beginning of Christmas vacation I got in a light hearted argument with my father about sports. For some reason, my dad was convinced the Patriots were a Super Bowl caliber team, while good ole skeptical me thought otherwise. I told my dad that there was NO WAY the Patriots could get by the Chargers, and there was a good possibility they could lose their first round game. My father quickly responded with "Want to put some money on that?" I jumped at the opportunity, and quickly we had a bet in place.

1. If the Pats don't make the Super Bowl I get $50 from my dad.
2. If the Pats win the AFC and make the SB he gets $50 from me
3. If the Pats win it all, I'm down $100

Some of my homerific friends called me a traitor and asshole for betting against my hometown team. Fine whatever, I pride myself on being a smart fan, and when I can win an easy buck I'll take that bet any day. After Sunday though, I feel like I have an even bigger unfair advantage over my dear ol' pops. I hate to be the guy that has to break it to you, but the Patriots are cooked. I didn't think this team was very good before the injury, but after? Stick a fork in em. No matter what he looks like (yes he is white too), Julian Edelman is NOT Wes Welker. In fact he is not even half the receiver Welker is, which leaves us with a gigantic hole at the #2 WR slot. God is Joey Galloway still available? Now defenses can now swarm Moss all game, and let Brady throw to Sam Aiken or Edelman or whatever other subpar WR we have on our roster. Face it folks, this seasons the Pats MVP is gone, and there is no one on the roster that can even come close. And oh boy we drew the Ravens the first round! The team we only beat because their equally incompetent wide receiver dropped a wide open touchdown catch on fourth down!

And please, don't get me started on what I would like to do to Bernard Pollard. Even though is only a blog, I have ethics, and I don't want lawyers coming after me.

Friday, January 1, 2010

How to spend your first (hungover) day of 2010

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The first of the year, time for resolutions that you have no intention to keep (my first one is to stay clear of Herpes), and sit around hung over all day watching football. But there is something else you can do today, the Winter Classic over at Fenway Park. As mentioned before on this blog, I know virtually nothing about the NHL. I love hockey, and especially college hockey, so I am not going to mock the league, but if you asked me who the leading scorer in the NHL was, I couldn't even guess (Ovechkin?). But for the first time since the NHL playoffs last year, I am very excited about a hockey game.

Even if you don't give a shit about hockey, today is going to be a historic day. Fenway Park has been tranformed into a hockey rink, for one week there won't be talk about Pedroia, Youk and Papelbon; instead you will be hearing about Chara, Savard and Tuukka Rask. And that mask is fucking awesome. A bear eating a Yankees uniform? What could be better? Well maybe if the bear was wiping his ass with a Jeter jersey, or disemboweling Joba Chamberlain, but I digress. So 1pm turn on your television modules, turn it to Versus or whatever channel is showing this game and enjoy.

Or do what GHABBY would do and turn on the Florida game, your choice.