Thursday, July 1, 2010


Today's boys have so few sporting heroes to look up to. When I was a kid, I could idolize Nolan Ryan punching people, or Larry Bird punching people, or Mike Tyson punching people. The Ultimate Warrior punching people. Who are today's boys going to look to as pillars of athletic manliness? Who punches people now? NOBODY, that's who.

Except for one man. One pillar of masculinity and testosterone. One chief Vanilla Gorilla. One smashing machine to rule them all. Who am I talking about? Brock Lesnar of course.

Brock Lesnar is the current UFC Heavyweight Champion, and should hopefully smash his way through top contender Shane Carwin this Saturday night. Brock earned that championship by caving in Frank Mir's face, as seen here in Exhibit A:

Seriously, soak that image in for a second. A 60-mile-per-hour car wreck couldn't do that sort of damage to a person's face, and yet Brock did it to the face of a two-time UFC champion. WITH HIS MEATY FISTS OF SMASHING.

Of course, I'm wildy biased, because Lesnar was my favorite wrestler of the last 20 years. He landed on his face doing a moonsault against Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania..and still wrestled. He F-5'd the Big Show with ease. Brock retired the lame "Hollywood Hogan" gimmick. Lesnar even broke the neck of Bob Holly, which is great because Bob Holly sucks.

Due to his awesomeness, Brock can get away with shit no one else can. He can trash UFC's main sponsor (Bud Light) after a fight. He survived diverticulitis, mono and having a HOLE in his intestine. He gets to bang Sable. He trains in the middle of the woods and snow like Rocky in Siberia. He can even get away with having a tattoo on his chest that kinda looks like a penis:

So if you're looking for a prediction for Saturday's fight, I can only give you one piece of advice. Bet on Brock to win. Quickly. And by MEATY FIST SMASH.

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