Monday, July 26, 2010

Meast of the Year


Boston College opens its 2010 season in a little more than a month, which is big news for me and the 500 other fans who follow this team. But the biggest story is the return of linebacker Mark Herzlich, who is coming back after whooping cancer's ass. Only a year after chemotherapy, and an insertion of a metal rod in his leg, Herzy is back and according to him he expects to be better than his ACC Defensive Player of the Year campaign in 2008. Could he win a Heisman? Probably not, but a delusional Eagles fan can dream right? I know this is Mass Hysteria, home to thousands of poop, fart and dick jokes, but please watch the video above. Herzlich's story is pretty amazing, especially when the only college football stories out are about Florida players taking $100,000 payouts from agents, and Lane Kiffin stealing coaches from other coaches who respected him. Even if you don't give a shit about BC football (and I know almost all of our readers don't), this might, just might, give you a reason to turn on an Eagles football game come this fall.

Hat Tip to Eagle in Atlanta for the Video.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ye Olde Celticks


So word has come out that the Celtics are interested in Tracy McGrady. You may remember McGrady as the guy who quit on the Rockets a few years back. We are investigating the rumor that he is the same person known as "T-Mac" who led the league in scoring for the Magic a few years back, though this reporter sees no correlation. Oh, and there's also rumors that we may sign Shaquille O'Neal, who has now left FIVE teams on bad terms, and is responsible for this:

Imagine if the Celtics sign McGrady and Shaq. That would give the C's FIVE players over the age of 33 (how old Jesus was when he died) when the season starts, all of whom with significant tread on their tires. Thankfully, the marketing geniuses at Mass Hysteria have come up with some slogans for the 2010-2011 Celtics, should they sign McGrady and O'Neal:

The Boston Celtics: The best 2001 team of 2010

It's Hard to Earn Tommy Points Running Like George Jefferson

Think Green (or Jaundiced Yellow)

Team of the Millenium. Last Millenium.

The C's: Almost as cool as AOL


Ramblin' Rajon and the Old Tyme Band

Hey Miami, Get Off Our Goddamned Lawn

Boston Celtics: Functioning Knees Not Necessary

Not Your Father's Celtics. Your Grandfather's Celtics.

Danny Glover Presents the Boston Celtics: We're Getting Too Old for this Shit

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

He must have heard "Manny"


Yesterday after the All Star Game reporters asked Jon Lester a question about old minor league teammate and "totally worth the price of Mike Lowell and Josh Beckett" Marlin Superstar Hanley Ramirez. Asked whether he would want to go to a strip club, I mean get a slice of pizza with Ramirez, Lester said:

"I'd have a better chance of being struck by lightning than me and him getting a pizza together," Lester said. "You can take that for what it's worth. But there was no chance on God's green earth that I was getting a pizza with him."

When asked what he would rather do, Lester continued by saying:

*I'd rather let Lindsay Lohan drive me around Beverly Hills at two in the morning on a Saturday night

* I'd rather discuss affirmative action with Mel Gibson

* I'd rather make out with Marge Schott. Yes 2010 Marge Schott.

* I'd rather drink Busch Light that has been sitting in the sun for two weeks, and is mixed with Mike Timlin's piss.

* I'd rather watch the 2010 All Star Game all over again.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

George Steinbrenner, 1930-2010

That's right. Do you want to say it again? I'll say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not. And how's this: your fired. Okay, you're not. I am just a little hungry. Where's Costanza with my calzone??

Monday, July 12, 2010


David Ortiz, 2010 Home Run Derby Champion

Chicks Dig the Long Ball- Home Run Derby LiveBlog


So I have nothing better to do than watch the Joe Morgan-Chris Berman announced home run derby. No Pujols, AROD, Fielder, Adrian Gonzalez, but who do we start off with first? Chris Young? Is he even an All Star?

8:17- I really hate Chris Berman and Joe Morgan, but really what interesting things can you say about an exhibition skills contest? "Chris Young has a strong swing!" , man what I would pay to hear one of them say "God this was so much better when they were all on steroids" One home run to start, and then two fly balls that make the kids run around like retards trying to catch them. Did I look that bad when I played Little League. No HZMLS, you looked worse.

8:19- Holy Shit, Joe Morgan actually said something useful. I honestly had no idea they played home run derby during actual batting practice. Chris Young continues to hit as I envisioned Chris Young to hit. Eight outs.

8:22- According to Joe Morgan it took until this year for the pitchers to really get used to video. He then goes on to talk about how awesome Grand Funk Railroad's album is, and asked Berman who shot JR.

8:24- As I write all that other shit, Vernon Wells makes a ton of outs. I need to drink like 3 more beers to enjoy this. Wells is out 10 outs 2 home runs, and one gigantic nose. Great job eh?

8:30- Corey Hart is up next, can't wait to see some more line drives. Oh and Berman whips out his first stupid name pun "You gotta have Hart". Damn Yankees! The fact that I know that, makes me feel very very gay.

8:34- As you listen to Chris Berman, remind yourself, this ass clown is going to be honored at the National Football Hall of Fame. Jesus, I need another drink .There is no way I am going to make it through this Derby with the sound on, time to turn on Stern as I live blog

8:46- I'm done. I tap out.

Friday, July 2, 2010

HZMLS Goes To The Theatre: Johnny Baseball


Two weeks ago my mom made the shocking revelation that she got tickets for my entire family to go see Johnny Baseball the "Red Sox Musical". It was going to be a combination family outing, and gift for my father for father's day. I was a little confused, because though my dad isn't archaic, he isn't a musical theatre type that would want to see something like this. My mom was really excited to see my dads reaction when we surprised him with the tickets, what she got instead was a look of horror from him. "Is this going to be another one of those plays where guys wear spandex baseball uniforms and dance around with bats?" my dad said (I cleaned up what he said so I don't offend anyone who may come across this). I am very open to seeing theatre, so what the hell I thought, let's give it a shot. If you are actually going to see this show, and don't want to know what happens please stop reading now.

The show opens with like 8 people sitting in Fenway Park during the middle of Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. Judging from their accents, the director wanted to make them all sound like every Boston stereotype, "GO GET EM' SAWX! THIS IS WICKED DEPRESSIN'! OH MAI GAWD DOOD MANNY ". You know stuff like that. And of course every word that ends with "R" turns to "ah". Stuff every stupid Boston stereotype into one scene and basically thats what you have (though if you sit in the Bleachers the author may not be that far off). Not bad to start, the people are kind of funny, I got a kick out of hearing Tanyon Sturtze and Paul Quantrill referenced. But that is about as far as the "Red Sox Musical" got with me. During this scene one of the kids is talking to an old black man about the game, and the Curse of the Bambino (you know that stupid crap CHB made up to sell books), and the old man says that there really wasn't a curse, but another one that has plagued the Sox.

The story then flashes back to 1919 and a fictional player Johnny O'Neil, who makes it to the big time with a twinkle in his eye (vomits on my seat) and his head in the clouds. He meets Babe Ruth, who likes to drink his ass off, and frankly is the only interesting character in the show, and O'Neil goes out boozing with him. He meets a black girl when he makes the Sox, and guess what? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #1: THEY CAN'T BE TOGETHER! Oh how original! Well she breaks his heart, THEN guess what? He loses his fastball! Oh the irony! The two of them sing all sorts of love songs for what seems like 30 minutes, and has nothing to do with baseball, and at this point I'm wondering "What the hell does this have to do with the Red Sox"? At intermission even my mom was going "guys we don't need to sit through this, do you want to leave?" But being the trooper I am, I wanted to finish what I started.

The show continues to cut to the 2004 game, where different cast members sing songs about why the Sox have to win the pennant. I need to have a baby! Its Superstition! Good lord stop. Just when the show gets "interesting" enough to catch my attention, they go back to 1919 and pour on more of that cliched musical cheese. Cut ahead 30 years, and O'Neil is a coach, and he tries out a black boy on a recommendation of dying drunk Ruth. Here you go kids, guess who this young black boy is? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #2: IT'S HIS SON! He tries out for the Red Sox, but because everyone in Boston hates black people, he and Willie Mays are rejected (not before they do a whole song and dance together). They cut to the Green Monster, and the black boy, who CURSES BOSTON, why? BECAUSE WE HATE BLACK PEOPLE! At this point, I have rolled my eyes so much my head hurts, but it gets better... Cut back to 2004, old black guy who has been narrating to the kid, to no ones surprise reveals he is that black kid, and lifts the curse just in time for David Ortiz to get the game winning hit. End of show. Thank god.

This show has very little to do with the Red Sox and more to do with traditional musical crap that you can see in just about any other show. If I wanted to see a traditional show, I would have gone to see Jersey Boys or RENT or whatever, but they advertised it as the "Red Sox Musical" so idiot as I am, I wanted to try it. I know Musicals are heavy on the predictability and dancing, but when you put the Red Sox, my favorite sports moment of all time, and my team in it, I expected more. I don't want to rip the actors that badly, because they all did a good job given the horrid script and lines that were written for them. Also, the leading woman, who for some reason disappeared for the entire second act, hurt her leg and was bound to a chair for the whole show. I feel sort of guilty ripping this show, which I did last night on Twitter, because its pretty clear the ART reads these things (heck they even apologized to me via Twitter) But my family spent alot of money for 6 seats, and left feeling like we had wasted three hours of our lives. Oh well, I guess thats what happens when you go to the theatre.

We Dun Made It To The Big Top

Mass Hysteria finally has made it to the elite level of foul mouthed, New England Based Sports Blogs. We were actually featured on the CSNNE blog today....Boy oh boy I hope Sean McAdams reads our site...

CSNNE Sports Featuring Mass Hysteria

Check out their site, and GHABBY's post over there on Paul Pierce and his potential new deal. Even when we were warned that we had to "tone down our content", it still came out pretty good!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Our Thoughts on the Sox' Latest Trade





Today's boys have so few sporting heroes to look up to. When I was a kid, I could idolize Nolan Ryan punching people, or Larry Bird punching people, or Mike Tyson punching people. The Ultimate Warrior punching people. Who are today's boys going to look to as pillars of athletic manliness? Who punches people now? NOBODY, that's who.

Except for one man. One pillar of masculinity and testosterone. One chief Vanilla Gorilla. One smashing machine to rule them all. Who am I talking about? Brock Lesnar of course.

Brock Lesnar is the current UFC Heavyweight Champion, and should hopefully smash his way through top contender Shane Carwin this Saturday night. Brock earned that championship by caving in Frank Mir's face, as seen here in Exhibit A:

Seriously, soak that image in for a second. A 60-mile-per-hour car wreck couldn't do that sort of damage to a person's face, and yet Brock did it to the face of a two-time UFC champion. WITH HIS MEATY FISTS OF SMASHING.

Of course, I'm wildy biased, because Lesnar was my favorite wrestler of the last 20 years. He landed on his face doing a moonsault against Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania..and still wrestled. He F-5'd the Big Show with ease. Brock retired the lame "Hollywood Hogan" gimmick. Lesnar even broke the neck of Bob Holly, which is great because Bob Holly sucks.

Due to his awesomeness, Brock can get away with shit no one else can. He can trash UFC's main sponsor (Bud Light) after a fight. He survived diverticulitis, mono and having a HOLE in his intestine. He gets to bang Sable. He trains in the middle of the woods and snow like Rocky in Siberia. He can even get away with having a tattoo on his chest that kinda looks like a penis:

So if you're looking for a prediction for Saturday's fight, I can only give you one piece of advice. Bet on Brock to win. Quickly. And by MEATY FIST SMASH.