Game 4. We need this win like a crackhead needs a spoon and some chapstick. Like Lindsay Lohan needs a liver transplant. Like Iowa State needs someone to give them a hug. If the Celtics lose, the series is effectively over, and we're all forced to spend the rest of the summer hearing WOWZERS KOBE BEST IN TEH EVAR? And I, for one, support grammar and not using the word "wowzers," so the C's clearly need to pull out a win here. Please.
National Anthem: I work for an African-American (can't tell you how many times I utter those words in a day) newspaper, and I have no idea who Anita Baker is. Though she does have Fall Out Boy bangs, and is swaying back and forth like me after a dozen beers.
10:53 1st: Ray Allen made a shot! Glad we got that out of the way. Fisher then flopped on top of him because he's floppy, like Bob Dole's penis or the disk that I played Oregon Trail on in 3rd grade computer class.
8:00 1st Ok Pau Gasol is obviously ugly. But did you know he's not even the ugliest prominent Spanish athlete? No, that honor goes to Spanish soccer defender Carles Puyol, who may not only be the best defender in the world, but also one of the ugliest beings on the planet. Drink this beauty in:
Or how bout this one:
5:30 1st: Celtics looking to be suffering from another case of shitnotgoinginitis. 5-15 from the field so far. Luckily only down 1, 12-11.
2:31 1st: 10 points so far from Pierce. He's on tilt. Also, WHO the FUCK thought it was a good idea to give Scott Ferrall a gig on a network show? I'd rather hear the sound of a jihadist Muslim running through my airplane with a doctored butter knife than hear that fuck narrate something.
1:06 1st: Pierce just "mistakedly" hit the ref in the jaw. Why didn't we do this the last two games?
Ends 1st: Two fouls on Rasheed. Only the first was warranted when he jumped on Gasol, like the Stay-Puft marshmallow man wreaking havoc. The second foul prompted his "What, me foul?" dance, which I enjoy thoroughly. It's a kindergarten fire drill of confusion.
10:53 2nd: "Big Baby displaying his athletic ability." That shit gets me every time. And to answer the comment, Big Baby has more hops than me, but it's close. We both employ the same basketball philosophy though - jump only when completely necessary, and only as high as to not cause bodily exertion. The vast majority of rebounds are won before anyone leaves the ground.
Also, Jonah Keri's twitter just put it best "Nate Robinson is the Matt Stairs of the NBA Finals."
8:10 2nd: This game is resembling a WNBA game. Tons of bricks, four-inch vertical leaps, 5-7 point guards and players with square-jawed female significant others. Clearly URI didn't teach Odom that an Adam's apple is a BAD thing on a woman.
2:47 2nd: If I hear Mark Jackson say "Hand Down, Man Down" one more time, I'm going to put my Hand Down his fucking throat and rip out his vocal cords.
Hand down, man (with) downs
17.4 2nd: STOP TIPPING THE FUCKING BALL. I have no idea how the C's are only down four. There is nothing they're doing especially well tonight.
Halftime: Sweet, KG cuts the lead to three at the buzzer. Also, we just had a Rick Fox name-drop, and it wasn't even referring to his creepy Yanni hair or his terrible acting "career" (though I somehow remember that his character on Oz was named Jackson Vayhew. God I remember some useless shit).
Here's some in -depth analysis: In the second half, the C's need to....do everything less shittily. Everything.
10:47 3rd: Reports that Bynum isn't even on the bench for the second half. He only played seven minutes in the first half, so he clearly used up all of his knee-juice in the last game. This could be a good sign.
8:40 3rd: Filthy shot by Fisher, albeit ill-advised. Cut off the C's momentum right there. Now Doc is waving wildly at basketballs on the floor. In one minute, we've gone from "almost taking the lead" to this:
7:45 3rd: The refs have been somewhat decent tonight as far as not calling every little thing, but the Garnett "3 seconds" with four seconds off the shot clock was unforgivably dumb. Can't remember a playoff series with this many WTF calls.
5:17 3rd: One-point game! Now we need to do what we couldn't do last game when we got close. GO FOR THE KILL.
5:01: And like that, KG plays the role of Kung Lao! Aaaaand then Kobe plays the role of Kung Rape. I hate that fucker so much.
1:30 1st: Back-to-back threes now from Kobe. Let me repeat: I hate that fucker so much.
End 3rd - Aaaaah, right when we get a steal at the end of the quarter, we overthrow Rondo again. The Lakers are giving the C's every opportunity to take over this game, but the C's keep botching opportunity after opportunity.
Fun with Stats time! The Lakers are killing outshooting the C's in a huge way - 45% to 39% from the field, 46-25% from three and 83-67% from the line. Rebounds, assists, turnovers, all relatively close. So how are the C's close? Because we've taken thirteen more shots than LA. Hooray for offensive rebounds!
9:40 4th: OUR BENCH > YOUR BENCH. Nate and Baby need to have their own buddy movie when this series is over.
8:22: FUCK AND YES. Baby's making and-ones and swearing at the camera, Gasol's getting stuffed and Lakers are getting F-5'd Brock Lesnar style. Wanna step to Big Baby? YOU'Z A HUMAN HELICOPTER BITCH.
7:46 4th: Starters are, like, so passe. TA puts on his man-pants, and it's an eight point lead. Rasheed then does Rasheed things, like yelling, stomping and...ugh, earning a tech. There's so much pain and crazy behind those eyes.
5:50 4th. Sheed for three! Harness the crazy! Unfortunately Nate caught the crazy, or as Van Gundy said "emotionally drunk." While technicals are obviously a bad thing, at least it's not Perk getting them?
5:38 4th: Getting lectured by Ray Allen must be like getting caught by your Dad with porn, but 100000x worse. Closer to "getting caught by your Elementary school principal with crystal meth."
2:57 4th: Seriously, don't even put the starters back in. Nate and Baby (and TA and Sheed to a lesser extent) are beating the defending champions by their freakshow selves, and it's beautiful. Celtics up 8.
1:33: Starters back in. Just hollllld on. GREAT steal by KG there. Probably saved the game.
1:17: Wahhhhhh I'm Kobe and I'm gonna sit on the ground and pout waaaaaahh. No matter how many rings he gets, Kobe will always be a whiny bitch.
Crowd just apparently chanted "No Means No" at Kobe. Maybe my proudest moment as a Celtics fan.
30:0 4th: STEAL BY RONDO. Quiet night (in fact, quiet last few games) by him, but he does his Rondo-thing when we need him. I just awkwardly fist pumped like Tiger.
Final: Celtics 96-89. C's bench outscored the Lakers bench 23-6 in the second half. Big Baby and Nate just saved this series.