Sunday, June 6, 2010

Game 2 Liveblog: Ice Cube is a Sellout Edition

Game 2. The Celtics are in desperate need of a win. It's time, I think, despite my defection to the Confederecaahh, to break out the old liveblog. If only because Ice Cube is now a bitch and trying to reprise the career of Bill Cosby or Tyler Perry. Fuck that guy, and fuck LA:

9:18 1st quarter: Second personal on KG already. Remember how the Ultimate Warrior went from "awsomest guy ever" to "that batshit crazy dude who changed his fucking name to Warrior. Seriously, Warrior?" Even Cornholio had to finally stop to get TP for his bunghole. Just sayin.

6:40 1st: I'm going to miss the minor penis charge that i get from seeing Allen's jumper. He's going to look great playing for the Bulls on the veteran's minimum alongside Wade and LeBron next year. *Guzzles Xanax*

4:37 1st: 18-17 Celtics. Shooting extremely well despite the fact that the refs are determined to call fouls on our forwards for manual scrotal itch relief. If we win, the guards will carry us. Thankfully Allen is 4-5 from the field. His scrotal must already be relieved.

3:06 1st: Sheed in a nutshell. Misses ill-advised 3, almost grabs steal out of nowhere, loafs back to Gasol yet somehow ends up successfully defending the shot, then complains about his back. He's like a Playboy Playmate with a flatulence problem.

2:01 1st: The last 11 shots in a row have been missed. Not quite yet the makings of an ESPN Classic game.

.22 1st: "Remember, this is Tony Allen coming off a screen and not Ray Allen, so you have to play accordingly." Nearly did a spit take there. Also, it should be noted that the selection of beer here in Chattanooga is criminally turrble. Liquor stores only have liquor, which leaves grocery stores as the only ones that sell beer. The selection in the beer "aisle?" Every shittastic domestic ever, a dozen flavors of ICE and bottled Guinness if you want to get "exotic."

End of 1st: Celtics 29-22. Shhh don't tell anyone but Kobe is 1-5 from the field with 2 points so far. Though he does have five assists, so there's a chance he's doing all of this on purpose in one of his patented "waaaah I'm throwing a temper tantrum like a child despite the fact that I'm old enough to be prosecuted for rape as an adult" games.

Beginning 2nd: Every time I hear Doc Rivers speak, I want to get him a lozenge. Halls Mentholyptus Doc!

10:21 2nd: To be fair, none of the Gentiles on the Celtics thought Farmar would actually attempt a dunk. Still, that has to be the greatest moment in Jewish Sports History since Sandy Koufax's perfect game.

9:06 2nd: 36-26 C's. Allen's bombing away and Rondo's 6-5-4. EPIC mustache on Andy Garcia. Jack is trying to find the Grand Canyon in his viewfinder.

8:09: Four blocks by Bynum. Someone call Ric Flair to apply a Figure Four Leglock on Bynum. Because trust me, after four marriages and $70,000 a year on limos, Flair needs the money.

6:46: Two straight killer 3's by Allen. Someone needs to make a Youtube of Ray Allen shots with Barry White music in the background. He is the basketball equivalent of baby makin' music.

5:33: ANOTHER three by Ray. Why didn't we run him against Scott Brown again?

4:13: Does Leo DiCaprio keep Kevin Connolly around because he makes him feel tall, or because he makes him feel like the world's greatest actor? E's talent is directly proportional to his height. Also SHELDEN WILLIAMS RETARD FACE ALERT!

2:16 2nd: Ray Allen is now doing his impression of the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Unbefuckingliebable.

Halftime: Cockpunch by Kobe at the end of the half. Lakers score seven straight points to cut the lead to 54-48. Still, I'll gladly, gladly take it. The Lakers may have a more dominant frontcourt (Gasol/Bynum: 25 points, seven bocks, Perk/Garnett: six and none) and have essentially stopped the C's from taking shots anywhere near the rim, but the C's have one thing that the Lakers don't. Ray Muthafuckin Allen. 27 points, seven threes, two grapefruits.

11:22 3rd: SHITSHITSHITSHIT. Aaaand like that, Perk picks up his third, Pierce makes a terrible pass aaaaand like that, it's a one point game. Gahhhhh

10:02 3rd: Lakers lead by one. Pardon me while I scratch my eyeball with a pair of grill tongs. Not even commercials with Rampage Jackson can make me happy right now.

7:14 3rd: Lost in all of the Ray Allen awesomeness is the fact that Pierce and Garnett are now a combined 1-8 from the field. Thankfully Kobe just drew his fourth foul, which is four more fouls than he's had called on him in his entire professional career. Still, KG and Pierce need to do something. Anything. Please.

4:35 3rd: Allen with the record! Hope this means he gets a Topps Record Breaker card.

End of 3rd. Tied at 72. It's Fun with Celtics Stats time!
Rasheed is +17 in 16 minutes of play.
Garnett, Davis, Perk and Rasheed all have four fouls apiece.
Pierce is 2-11 from the field.
Rondo is putting up a 9-11-10. He has played every minute.
Boston has 25 fouls, the Lakers 16.

9:40 4th: 83-30 Celtics. Kobe gets his fifth, Big Baby misses five million shots in a row, and swarthy disease carrier Sasha Vujacic hit a three. Then we get a Nate Robinson Pocket Rocket of Orgasmic Glee. Too much happening, I need an adult!

8:12 4th: The latest Simmons conspiracy theory: Thibodeau just hired "Worldwide Wes" as his agent. Worldwide Wes is LeBron's shady mentor. The Bulls then hired Thibodeau. Ergo, LeBron is going to sign with the Clippers. Also, 9/11 was an inside job, we never landed on the moon, and Tupac is alive and lives on an island with Elvis. Wait, that last one is true.

4:30 4th. 90-89 Lakers. Allen's being tentuple teamed, and Pierce and Garnett have shuffled this mortal coil. This game is Rondo's to win or lose.

2:07 4th: AWESOME block on a Fisher 3 by Rondo. Allen needed to finish that shit. Terrible time for him to go cold. But wait....Gasol just uglied the ball out of bounds! DAGGER by Rondo. God I love that man.

1:26 4th: Celtics by 5. Doc just won the Seniors 100 Yard Dash sprinting onto the court to call a timeout. The previous record holder, Bruce Jenner, looked surprised, but that may have been due to his 584033th face lift:

1:12 4th: 10-0 run by the C's. And Perk didn't even get a tech when Gasol pushed him to the ground because he was pissed that we took Florida from Spain. Kobe with a disgusting followup three though. C's now up by 5.

47 seconds left: Artest just fouled out of the game after shooting 1-10 from the field. These are the moments when I wish he wasn't so heavily medicated and was all assaulty again. Rondo drains a free throw and it's now a 7 point game.

33 seconds left: Did I just hear the voice of a white guy on the C's bench say "my niggaz?" Tell me I'm not the only one who heard that.

GAME - Celtics win 103-93. Allen in the first half and Rondo in the second won this game. Back to Boston for Game 3 Tuesday night.


HZMLS said...

Adam Morrison looks fantastic in a suit.

HZMLS said...

I have to give props, the fans of Los Angeles actually showed up in the first half of a sporting event. There is a first time for everything. That's what happens when you shut down the Botox clinics at 3.

Sh!tShow said...

Nice First period. You can FEEL THE TENSION HERE.

DALE! said...

Garnett looks awful. And the Morrison sulk face is priceless. He should learn from Scalabrine how to handle being the obligatory sideline suit wearer.