Monday, April 26, 2010

They Must Love Hassehloff

While they may end up third in their division, your 2010 Patriots will boast something no other team will have this year: two guys who speak fluent German. Yes, joining Sebastian "Augustus Gloop" Vollmer will be fifth round punter (wait...FIFTH ROUND PUNTER? for fucksake) Zoltan Mesko. Despite being a giant fucking human waste of a draft pick, Mesko did have this awesome shirt made for him in college by the good people at MGoBlog:

So yeah, the Pats may suck, but we've got the dude with the funny name, so they've got that going for them, which is nice.

Also, I'd be remiss to not comment on the fact that the Pats turned into Gainesville North this weekend, with the drafting of three Gators and the acquisition of Gerard Warren. It's weird - I liked each Gator pick in reverse order. Hernandez, then Spikes, then Cunningham.

Hernandez, simply put, is the best college tight end I've seen in years. He's fast as hell. He has fantastic hands. He LOVES to hurt people. And, should the Patriots employ it, I've never seen someone run that H-Back shovel pass better than Aaron Hernandez. The guy is a special tight end, like Pro Bowl special if utilized correctly. Easily my favorite Patriots pick in a LONG time.

You're going to hear a lot about Spikes' shitty 40 time over the next few days, and concerns about speed will probably dog his entire pro career. Don't buy it. The guy was all over the field in the fastest conference in the country, and would literally rip your eyes out of their sockets to win. And anyone who questions his ability to play should be reminded of his soulraping of Knowshon Moreno a few years back:

Cunningham, despite being the highest drafted, is the ex-Gator I like the least. At no point in his four years in Gainesville did I ever think "thank god we have Jermaine Cunningham." If anything, it was the other Gator DE Carlos Dunlap, who was drafted one pick after Cunningham, that struck fear into the hearts of everyone and pretty much singlehandedly won the Oklahoma national championship game. Of course, Belichick wasn't going to draft Dunlap because of tiny things like "falling asleep in front of a stoplight with a .38 BAC", but that doesn't mean that you have to draft Cunningham either. Cunningham is way undersized, and was made to look much better with all the single coverage due to offenses scheming against Dunlap and Spikes. While I understand what they did (aside from Dunlap, there were no other rush ends on the board left with even third-round grades, let along seconds), I don't necessarily expect much out of Cunningham.

But out of all these Gators, it was actually a *gasp* Alabama Crimson Tide who I was most impressed with among the Pats draftees. That would be DE Brandon Deaderick. Why would I be fawning over a seventh-rounder picked from my sworn enemy? Because the dude was SHOT IN THE ARM during a robbery attempt....and then played Virginia Tech five days later. Next year, I hear the Pats are scouting this running back from Jamaica, Queens:


SmartyBarrett said...

Of course, Belichick wasn't going to draft Dunlap because of tiny things like "falling asleep in front of a stoplight with a .38 BAC".

Tony LaRussa wants to know if Dunlap can play shortstop.

HZMLS said...

Fitty would pop for steroids without a doubt.