Saturday, March 20, 2010

Awesomeness That Only a Few of Us Will Appreciate


Sloppy game, way too many penalties and goals, but a title is a title.


(passes out)


Why Would you Invite Me to This?


Sorry for the lack of posts lately, things have been kind of busy in my life. I was sitting down at my computer drinking a beer, watching NCAA basketball when I got an email from 'Charity Hop". I usually just ignore these, because honestly I don't use my blog to advertise for others, I am in this for the cash homie. But after reading the email, I found out Charity Hop was actually inviting myself and the other editors of Mass Hysteria to the official release of the wine, which will include both Jacoby Ellsbury and Josh Beckett showing off their ChardonK and ZinfandEllsbury (advertising brilliance). It's for a charity so I can't rip on it too much, even though I found the MannyMerlot kind of lazy and the YoukGrigio made me absolutely shitfaced after two sips. And to top it all off, Heidi Watney is emcee'ing the event. Let me get this straight, Beckett and Ellsbury, free booze and Heidi Watney.....and I'm invited? FOR FUCKING FREE? Give me one good reason I shouldn't be there slamming red wine with Josh Beckett, while asking Heidi Watney what type of underwear she prefers? Only one problem, it's a weekday at noon. Please believe I am going to be slipping out of the office for a very long, drunk lunch break.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Nightmare Realized



This has got to be some sort of practical joke. Maybe someone spiked my green beer this morning and this is some sort of GHB induced hallucination. Ronan Tynan is not in a Red Sox jersey right? I mean, he didn't hang out with Deval Patrick, Scott Brown and Thomas Menino on St. Patrick's day correct?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Fire Al Skinner

Please Gene, do it immediately. This year was a complete embarrassment. That is all

P.S Al- Please don't eat me

More level headed Post Script:

Soaring to Glory agrees with me in a great post

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Nerd Hates Stats, Theo Epstein and YOU

One of the reasons I ordered Sirius radio was so that I would never have to listen to WEEI on my drive to and from work ever again. Their radio shows are simply horrible. But their goal of worldwide conquest has expanded as they have gone on to try and create a blog roll of well known columnists to talk about all things Boston. I have no idea who Jerry Thornton is, but he wrote an anti- stats column that is by far the worst, laziest piece of shit I've ever read.

This is Jerry Thornton, doesn't look like a guy that would rip on stats right? I'd expect an ex NFL football player that can barely read or write his own name, and spend his evenings doing steroids to rip on OBP and FIP rather than this nerdlington. Look at him, Thornton looks like the epitomy of "number crunching loser that figures out Jacoby Ellsbury's UZR vs Mike Cameron's".

Well let's look at his arguments:

"There’s no escaping this conclusion: the Stat Geeks have quietly and insidiously taken power. Every hot stove report I’ve read this offseason, every article written from Fort Myers, every statement from Sox brass, has the Stat Geeks’ grubby little fingerprints on it. They’re like the Communist Party plotting to take over Hollywood in the 1950s before Ronald Reagan got wise to them and kicked their pinko butts all the way back to Moscow and Harvard Square. Only, instead of trying to write screenplays full of anti-capitalists rants, the Stat Geeks have succeeded in making otherwise normal, decent, God-fearin’ Americans start talking about VORP (Value Over Replacement Player) ratings and UZR (Ultimate Zone Rating) numbers like they really believe in this nonsense."

As a Red Sox fan I totally understand your point. I was talking to my mom the other day about Bill James, and she was really confused so I tried to explain it to her "Mom, he is like Stalin, in that he ruthlessly murders the family of dinosaurs like Dusty Baker and Ed Wade" but she looked at me and said "Hun, are you drunk"? I love comparing Theo Epstein to a Communist, but that begs the question who would be Joseph McCarthy? And by the way are you saying the communist purges of the '50's was a good thing? But Thornton does have a point, I want to see more sacrifice bunting, moving runners along, hell while we are at it tell John Farrell to not bother taking pitch counts either. Numbers! Pfff!

Look, I love Theo. A lot.

But you just said that you hate the standards in which he evaluates players.

At this point you might be saying “Gee, Jer. How do you know so much about Stat Geeks anyway?” Glad you asked because the answer will surprise you. Because I, for a very brief time in my life, was one. Yes, it’s true. Looks like mine and brains, too? As implausible as it sounds, I Was A Teenage Stats Geek. I read the backs of guys’ baseball cards.

Wow me too Jerry! And I remember looking at Daryl Strawberry's Vorp on the back of his Fleer rookie card. Oh wait, what else was on there.
AB, Strike Outs, Runs, RBI's, Home Runs, Doubles and Home Runs. Wow, that is some pretty intense statistics there Jerry. You must have had to bury yourself in your cellar with a T-83 Graphing Calculator to follow baseball games. If you "once" followed these statistics but have become enlightened and stopped with those pesky "statistics" what the hell are you watching? OH I LIKE JACOBY ELLSBURY HE'S A NEAT PLAYER THAT MAKES LOTS OF SWELL PLAYS! Instead of even using basic stats that even my grandmother understand I assume Thornton proposes that Epstein evaluate baseball players by taking baseball cards and sign whatever one is the last to stick to the spokes of his bike.

Things quickly turn personal for Thornton:
But then, I made an amazing discovery. Something that the Stat Geek population doesn’t know and never will. Women. And it changed my life forever, in much the same way that Blossom’s life changed in that Very Special Episode where she gets her period, I would never be the same. As I recall, the exact moment for me came when Phoebe Cates climbed out of the pool in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and took her top off in slow motion to the Cars’ “In Stereo” that did it for me. What Phoebe showed me that day was perfection. I wanted to have them and I was willing to do what it took to get them. Then my whole world was transformed. Suddenly Butch Hobson’s RBI total didn’t mean quite as much. Jim Rice’s total bases faded from my mind.

Right dude, fuck the statistics, get the bitches and the pussy. Have you ever tried to talk to a broad about OPS, it's impossible bro!Just tell the girls you think Josh Beckett is hot. Wait, wait wait. This doesn't make sense:
Does this look like a guy that got girls at any point in his life? Please, you know he has a profile on Eharmony right now "promising long walks on the beach, red wine, and watching the Bachelor by my fake fireplace". By the way Jerry, Bill James has a wife, has written numerous books, works for the Red Sox and doesn't write shitty blog posts for WEEI.

"So as a public service to all like-minded fans, concerned Red Sox citizens worried about the direction the Nation is headed, I’d like to put my ex-Stat Geek skills to us and offer my own formula for judging all statisticians. Let’s call it the NSGR/MMUSRI (Nerdy Stat Geek Ridiculous/Meaningless Made Up Statistic Rating Index). You take any new, obscure baseball evaluation stat and you start with the weight of the guy who invented it, times how many days he’s been wearing the same “Han Solo Shot First” T-shirt, divided by how many times he’s had sex in his life, multiplied by how often his mom cooks his meals add how many days a month he sees the sun times the percentage by which he throws like a girl.

Wow, that sounds like a pretty intense formula. I have a math question I would like my readers to answer: take one angry WEEI blogger, multiply his complete ignorance of basic math, add his complete arbitrary methods of evaluating not only baseball but everyone else in the world, subtract the women he has slept with (constant zero), square it by the amount of jocks that kicked his ass in high schoool and your answer should resemble something like this:

Psst hey Jerry, you realize the Red Sox won two World Series evaluating talent with Satan's wand, I mean statistics right?

Ok how do I add him to my RSS feed.

Welcome Back Nomar


Before I watched the press conference this morning I wanted to rip Nomar a new asshole. I couldn't believe that Theo and Co. would be celebrating a player who basically gave up on his team and teammates. I wasn't happy when fans cheered him when he came back to Fenway for the first time this year, and I wasn't sold that he changed. But I watched the press conference, and as gay as it sounds I was moved by it.

"But throughout all that time, I was constantly seeing Boston fans everywhere and telling me the same thing, and like I said, there's a place in my heart for those teams that I've played for, but the biggest part in my heart is obviously here. And that's why I felt like for me to really finish and ultimately retire, it wouldn't have felt like a retirement if I couldn't put this uniform on one more time."

Awwwwwww. Thanks Nomie, want to go over my house and hug while we chat about the good times over some Moet and chocolate covered strawberries? Just kidding. There is always going to be a special place for Nomar in my sarcastic dark pit of a hole that once contained my heart. In high school and college Nomar WAS the face of the Red Sox. True he never seemed to like the media, fans, or even playing in Boston, but I rooted for him anyways. The beginning of 2004 seemed to play out like so many other disgruntled athlete sagas in Boston: Mo Vaughn, Roger Clemens, Carl Everett etc. When he left, I was a mix of pissed off that he gave up on his team, and sad that THE face of the Red Sox was gone. For years after I never gave him any credit for the 2004 World Series, and laughed and giggled as he tore his groin, strained his bicep and whatever other illness befell Garciaparra.

But this morning, as I watched Nomar on the podium with Epstein, and Lucchino, I could finally move on. He seemed genuine, and letting us, the fans, know that all along he still cared deeply about Boston meant alot to me. So I have decided to put away my vendetta against Garciaparra and accept him. Nomar was a Red Sox once again, even if it was only for a day.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Somehow the Patriots Forgot to Scout Other Teams


Sorry if I haven't been diligent with Patriots lately, instead spending some time to bitch about Ronan Tynan and mock that "college" in Florida. But the Patriots have been "busy" "improving" for next year. Who did we sign?

* Vince Wilfork to an extension
* Leigh Bodden to a new deal
* Stephen Neal to a new deal
* Tully Banta Cain to a new deal

WOW! So the 2009 Patriots team that I thought wasn't very good, hasn't done ANYTHING this off season except bring back the same guys they had on last years team. It's ok its not like we needed a monster pass rusher like Julius Peppers, or a veteran LB like Karlos Dansby, or Kyle Vandenboesch's bald head on the Pats. As GHABBY said to me earlier "this team is cruising to go 9-7" and as Smarty said "this team is going to be pretty mediocre". I am very happy to see Vince Wilfork and Stephen Neal return, and we have to have someone play cornerback, but who is going to play 2nd/3rd/4th WR, rush the quarterback, or play tight end? Daniel Fells? WHO THE HELL IS THAT? 28 career catches, well um, so he is like an um, WHAT? Ok ok ok, maybe Belichick has some master plan to fix this team with the four picks he has in the first two rounds of the draft? Watch, you just watch, first thing he does is trade a pick in this years draft for picks next year.

Somewhere in Atlanta, Matt Ryan is smiling

(photo courtesy of Everyday Should be Saturday)
One of the hardest games I ever watched was the then #2 Boston College Eagles losing at home to the Florida State Criminoles. No, I was not naive enough to think that BC team was title game worthy, but we had a Heisman candidate in Matty McDreamy, and were undefeated going into an national televised game against FSU. So yeah, at that point I was a little bonkers about BC's chances: SCREW IT BRING ON OKLAHOMA OR TEBOW WE CAN TAKE THEM! To best recap the game, just imagine Baldwin going to the Center of Alumni Stadium, pulling down his pants and taking a giant bird shit in front of the cameras. That's basically what it felt like. This game was definitely one of those moments where I had to deal with the stark realization that "You route for a team that holds their players to such rigorous academic standards that stud prospects don't go here, you will never be a contender for the National Title"

But now Bobby Bowden and his crew of mongoloids have to vacate 12 wins, because, well they dun read dat gud. I guess that's what happens when your entire football team is at Strokers while Myron Rolle does their homework for all of them. But somewhere in my diluted little mind "vacated" means "BC wins", and sit at my desk and daydream about the BCS bowl we should have gone to. Ugh, I need a life.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Stay the Hell Out of Fenway Park


In fact don't even come near Boston. I don't want you living in Roxbury, on Newbury Street, Quincy, hell go live in Springfield it's close to New York that I will never have to see you. You like In terms of ranking my hatred of the Yankees it goes something like this:

1. Alex Rodriguez
2. George Steinbrenner
3. Their Fans
4. Ronan Tynan singing God Bless America During the 7th Inning Stretch.

The part that I find most obnoxious about this song, is that it's not part of any baseball tradition, it was implemented for New York after that terrorist attack.Yeah, I get it, 9/11 happened and alot of people died and it's sad and shit, but that happened nine years ago! So every single nationally televised game, viewers were forced to watch Ronan Tynan's fat bald head belt that god awful song OVER AND OVER AGAIN. One of my sure fire 'FUCK HIT THE MUTE BUTTON" moments .

Then Mr. Tynan did the world a favor, and made a comment about the Jews, which caused his immediate firing. Woops, who would have known anti-semitism would be one of Steinbrenner's buttons. New Yorkers never forgave the fat tenor for his comments, and made his life a living hell, so now he Tynan fearing his safety moved to Boston (who seemingly embrace racists). Now that he is out of NY, this begs the question....Will Tynan be singing at Fenway Park. John Henry, Larry Lucchino, ANYONE, please please please please please KEEP HIM OUT.