Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Special Guest Columnist Provides a Preview of the 2010 Red Sox

Hi everyone, Nomar Garciaparra here to give you the run down on the 2010 Boston Red Sox. I am super excited to get going with my newest gig reporting on major league baseball! This new job finally gives me the opportunity to get out of the house, since Mia only lets me leave now 20-30 days a year. And since most of you all thought I retired after 2004, I finally am back in the spotlight! My first report is going to be on the 2010 Boston Red Sox, my first club!

Nomar's Talking Points:
1. I don't like this lineup at all. First of all Adrian Beltre is the only guy that I can really relate to, because he is a hitter pure and simple. None of this OBP, OPS, IRS, DDP garbage, the guy just gets in there and swings. I just don't get guys like Pedroia, Youkilis and JD Drew. I'd much rather see a guy in there that can hack, because what's the difference between a one pitch and an eight pitch at bat? Five minutes of utter boredom! Current players that I would like to see the Sox go after? Jeff Franceour and Jason Kendall.

2. One player I have to admire is David Ortiz. Here is a guy that totally is on my level. Through some hard work, and creative training, he has gone from a marginal player to a superstar. And what's with all these mean media dudes questioning us for steroids? You see me on the cover of Sports Illustrated, that was pure will power, weight lifting, and supplements from my provider Enrique Montana. And I didn't just hire him because he is Columbian, I hired him because he come up with a way to take Decca anally, but like you know not in a steroidsy way. I just hope that Ortiz's body doesn't start to break down like mine did. Because god that sucked.

3. What is the deal with Mike Lowell? His situation is one I can understand, rattled by injuries the Red Sox want to get rid of him. But what is with this keeping your mouth shut business? Who the hell has ever gotten anywhere by being polite? Take some advice from old Nomie and my good friends Carl and Manny. "Blast the front office, the fans, the media, and give up on your teammates", that will get you out of there and into a better situation in a hurry. Go ahead call Shaugnessy an imbecile, tell the fans to flip Burgers at BK, and call Theo a homo, it works wonders for your career.

4. Speaking of the fans, what the hell is up with all of you? Do you know how hard it is to make millions and million of dollars a year to hit a baseball? Don't you all have better things to do? Isn't there a deal on Bud Lights at RemDawgs or something? God I played in LA where the fans showed up in the 2nd and left in the 7th inning, and Oakland where no one bothered to show up at all, and it was so much easier. Hey Sox fans, get a life!

Well folks, I've gotta run! (falls shatters both knees, sprains his ACL, MCL and achilles and fractures wrist)

1 comment:

dubbschism said...

a .361 career OBP is actually surprisingly high for a supposed hacker.