Wednesday, February 24, 2010

See how quickly the Pats third receiver problem was solved?


I couldn't believe it myself when I read it, but the Patriots re-signed David Patten to a one year deal. David Patten. Wow. I hope to crap the Pats have another option up their sleeve for receivers, but knowing Belichick who the hell knows. But that makes me ask the question. What was Donald Hayes not available? Troy Brown too busy playing BINGO with the old folks to unretire for the thirteenth time? In other related Patriots news The Pats tried to resign Chad Jackson but he couldn't get off his shift at Wendy's to make a try out. David Givens missed the phone call because he was too busy listening to tracks from Aaliyah and Destiny's Child that he downloaded off Napster.

They also were aiming to re-sign Bethel Johnson but he dropped the phone when his mom threw it to him.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Goodbye Jerkface


Aaron Boone has finally decided to call it a career and retire. I don't really recall anything that he did during his career that was noteworthy, other than having open heart surgery at the age of 36 (I thought that only happened to GHABBY), and blowing his knee out to miss the entire 2004 season. Boone, had a quiet career, never winning the World Series, and only hitting 34 home runs in his final five seasons. I bet you didn't know that he married a Playboy model, so at least he had that going for him, well until the Botox makes her lips look like a giant asshole. So there goes another player, who I swear was only mediocre at best, failed time and time again in the clutch, and never ever EVER had a big postseason hit. EVER. I need a drink.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Happy Pitchels and Catchels Day!


Hi, evelyone, me solly if my English is no good. Solly Solly (bows). I knows you is all concelned about the 2010 season after I missed all of last year with a sore arm. But I am here on Mass Hystelia to let you know that I will be a bigger savior for Boston than Hirohito to my people. I know you all concerned about my condition this year, and I want to leassure you that I will be fine, because I have put together a ligolous offseasonwolkout. Back in Japan, I spent the winter singing kalaoke at Yankee Sam's Amelican Bar, and Sake bombed like I was a Japanese Josh Beckett. But you no worry, I have done other things as well. For two weeks stlaight I played Beatles Rock Band with my wife Lockets my favolite song being "Ruchee in the Sky with Diamonds". You would never know it but I'm a VELY VELY GOOD DRUMMER, I much bettel than Lingo Stall. What, you don't think video games is a suitable workout? You might be right, all that locking and lolling has made my back sore, god I can balely get out of bed. But the Japanese have a cure fol this:
Ah, that is much much better. My back will better vely soon, and if not good, no worry, I will committ seppuku on Opening Day, make all velly velly happy . BaNZAI!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Quick Message from Jesus Shuttlesworth

Hey Celtics fans you like winning right? You want to see the Celtics go far in the playoffs correct? Then get rid of me pronto. The Celtics are going nowhere as is, and the biggest problem is me. I am useless, and I totally understand that. And guess what? There are plenty of teams that would love to take on my bloated contract and my declining skill set. Who cares who you get, there is one thing I do "well" and that is shoot 3 pointers, and you have Paul Pierce, so basically I am useless. Did Danny Ainge really have the chance to get Caron Butler for me and the Ginger and didn't pull the trigger? If so, he is a bigger idiot than Big Baby on Trivia Night. Yeah I know you all want to get all sentimental about 2008, and chicks get all creamy over my 3 point skillz, but get rid of me, I need to go. Unless you want to see Lebron, Dwight Howard, or Joe Johnson kill you Celtics I suggest you send me to the Clippers, or Nets pronto.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Your Semi-Irregular College Hoops Post


Yes, the college hoops posting here lately has been lacking to say the least, but rest assured: college ball is still...what's the phrase? Oh yeah: FUCKING AWESOME. For anyone who hasn't been paying attention this year, all I can tell you is there's so much parity right now that my head hurts just THINKING about filling out a bracket come March. Who's the best team right now? Kansas? Kentucky? Syracuse? Bryant? It's a wide open field this year, so be sure to fasten your seatbelts on March 18th.

One thing I can tell you this year is that there's no question in my mind who the best player in the league is: Ohio State's Evan Turner. Yeah yeah, I'm sure GHABBY et al will tell you about John Wall and how OMG NAZTY LEBRON #1 PICK!!! he is, but Turner is more NBA-ready at this point. Wall has a ton of raw talent, but he is just a freshman and he's prone to mistakes. I think his upside is higher, but if you're strictly discussing the best player RIGHT NOW, it's Turner, no question. Watch the dude play if you haven't already.

Now onto *gulp* my Rhode Island Rams. Honestly the reason I've been hesitant to post on them is because I am insanely superstitious and genuinely afraid of a jinx. But they're 19-4, 7-3 in the very tough A-10, and have a real good shot at making the tourney this year. Ahhh I'm jinxing them! Shut up, Smarty, shut up!

For now, check out the interview I did with the Temple Owl's blog The Owl's Nest about the game tomorrow between URI and Temple. Should be a good one; check it out if you can, and check out their site as well. I'm betting a lot of D-1 teams wish they had a fan blog this good. Enjoy it, and enjoy the countdown: 4 weeks to Selection Sunday!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Special Guest Columnist Provides a Preview of the 2010 Red Sox


Hi everyone, Nomar Garciaparra here to give you the run down on the 2010 Boston Red Sox. I am super excited to get going with my newest gig reporting on major league baseball! This new job finally gives me the opportunity to get out of the house, since Mia only lets me leave now 20-30 days a year. And since most of you all thought I retired after 2004, I finally am back in the spotlight! My first report is going to be on the 2010 Boston Red Sox, my first club!

Nomar's Talking Points:
1. I don't like this lineup at all. First of all Adrian Beltre is the only guy that I can really relate to, because he is a hitter pure and simple. None of this OBP, OPS, IRS, DDP garbage, the guy just gets in there and swings. I just don't get guys like Pedroia, Youkilis and JD Drew. I'd much rather see a guy in there that can hack, because what's the difference between a one pitch and an eight pitch at bat? Five minutes of utter boredom! Current players that I would like to see the Sox go after? Jeff Franceour and Jason Kendall.

2. One player I have to admire is David Ortiz. Here is a guy that totally is on my level. Through some hard work, and creative training, he has gone from a marginal player to a superstar. And what's with all these mean media dudes questioning us for steroids? You see me on the cover of Sports Illustrated, that was pure will power, weight lifting, and supplements from my provider Enrique Montana. And I didn't just hire him because he is Columbian, I hired him because he come up with a way to take Decca anally, but like you know not in a steroidsy way. I just hope that Ortiz's body doesn't start to break down like mine did. Because god that sucked.

3. What is the deal with Mike Lowell? His situation is one I can understand, rattled by injuries the Red Sox want to get rid of him. But what is with this keeping your mouth shut business? Who the hell has ever gotten anywhere by being polite? Take some advice from old Nomie and my good friends Carl and Manny. "Blast the front office, the fans, the media, and give up on your teammates", that will get you out of there and into a better situation in a hurry. Go ahead call Shaugnessy an imbecile, tell the fans to flip Burgers at BK, and call Theo a homo, it works wonders for your career.

4. Speaking of the fans, what the hell is up with all of you? Do you know how hard it is to make millions and million of dollars a year to hit a baseball? Don't you all have better things to do? Isn't there a deal on Bud Lights at RemDawgs or something? God I played in LA where the fans showed up in the 2nd and left in the 7th inning, and Oakland where no one bothered to show up at all, and it was so much easier. Hey Sox fans, get a life!

Well folks, I've gotta run! (falls shatters both knees, sprains his ACL, MCL and achilles and fractures wrist)

Monday, February 8, 2010

Even The Colts Ex Coach Failed This Weekend


Let's keep piling it on the Colts, because it's easy, and realllly fun. Ex coach and hater-of-the-gays Tony Dungy was asked his prediction of the Super Bowl last week and this was his response:

“I believe that if they’re in the game Sunday and they need to drive to win the game, he’s going to do it. I don’t think the game’s going to come down to that. I think they’re going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, ‘Oh, ho-hum, he played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship.’ He’s going to have those rings Sunday night. I don’t think it’s going to be close. Minnesota is playing in New Orleans, they turn the ball over five times, have two or three stupid penalties and still lose in overtime. I don’t see how it’s going to be close. The Colts aren’t going to turn it over seven times.

WOOOOOOO doggie, was he wrong! Now, it's really easy to pick apart analysts and their picks (hell, I bet Rodney Harrison would have picked the Pats to win last night) but this one is just too easy. Does he think a little too highly of his old team? Probably. I love that he says the Saints would lose because they barely beat the Vikings. Hey guess what? The Colts were tied with the Jets after the first half, the same Jets who barely made the playoffs, and had Mark Sanchez at QB. Irregardless, the Colts lost, Manning lost, and again life is the way it should be.

Another Family Friendly Post!


Wow for the second time today, we at Mass Hysteria are going to create a blog post that keeps the swearing, and dirty jokes to a minimum. As Smarty has mentioned before, the talk of Peyton Manning's invincibility was greatly exaggerated, but the media is showing that he was in fact greatly responsible for the loss right? RIGHT?? Wait, they are giving him a pass? Come on, we need a head to stick on a pike, who can we blame? THE MEDIA NEEDS BLOOD TO SURVIVE!


Who should be blamed for the Colts loss in Super Bowl 44?
a. Reggie Wayne
b. Hank Baskett
c. The Who
d. Cyborg Jim Caldwell
e. The Colts defense (hey it's worked well in the past)
f. Reggie Wayne again
g. Dwight Freeney's ankle
h. Kendra

Ok kiddies, go to bed now I need to speak with your daddy and mommy.
Heh. What was the sweetest part of last night's super bowl?

1. Watching that fraud Manning blow the game?
2. We all saw Manning and Reggie Wayne leave the field without shaking hands with the Saints. The media may ignore it, but we saw it.
3. 9-9 in the playoffs. Shove that one up your ass Peyton.
4. 7 points after the first quarter. Manning didn't touch the ball for 70 real time minutes.

A Post For the Whole Family!

Hey, kids! I'm so glad your parents let you join us, because normally we're a site only for mommies and daddies! Did your mommy or daddy let you stay up and watch some of the Super Bowl last night? They did! Well, then you're ready for today's Mass Hysteria trivia question, for kids!

OK now, focus really hard on this. Can you point to the quarterback that is now 9-9 in the playoffs with 19 interceptions in those 18 games?

That's right! Peyton Manning!

Good for you! OK now, it's time to leave the room. I need to talk to your mommy or daddy in private now. Thanks for playing!


OK, they gone? Sweet.

Now here's your trivia question: The media continuing to compare Tom Brady's post-season prowess with Peyton Manning's is:

a. Completely irresponsible
b. Totally fucked up
c. Goddamned embarrassing
d. All of the above

Well done, you're just as smart as your kid.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

things that sucked today

1 pats not in the super bowl
2 I haven't successfully bedded scarlett johansen
3 BC Lost to the Aryan nation because they had no last second play
4 the god they suck
5 its twenty fucking degrees out
6 can someone please explain how the sox are any better than the yanks?
7 my bar bill.....Fml
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The News You Are All Dying to Hear


BC's stellar recruiting class is complete. Now it's nowhere near the level of Florida's but it is still impressive. Leading the class is Chase Rettig, a California QB who could be starting soon, and Shakim Phillips a four star WR. Who else was Coach Spaz able to bring in?

* Rip Torn
* Bill Romanowski
* Scott Brown
* Lucky the Leprechaun
* In need of another kicker they grabbed these four Superfans to sign a LOI
* Doug Flutie's nephew of his third cousin twice removed.
* Eytucan ,chief of the Na'vi
* The illegitimate child of Mark Chmura and a 17 year old
* Sean Williams
* The bouncer at MaryAnne's
* Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino
*Anyone in Matt Ryan's family that has any eligibility left.
* Exclusive rights to Tim Tebow Jr

Did I miss anyone?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

So, would that make Bill Belichick the Professor?

"See Dirt Dogs, just because he doesn't show a lot of emotion statistics show that JD Drew is a great player."

Over the past year we have made it pretty clear that we are not big fans of the blog Boston Dirt Dogs. Now you may say, "If you don't like it just don't go there!". But here is thing about the site that irks me. It's linked to, which gives them great exposure even though its written by a writer that hardly ever produces anything for the paper. It also bugs the crap out of me that the horseshit on BDD is considered to be the viewpoint of Bostonians, which thank god it isn't. There are so many good blogs out there that should be given this publicity (Surviving Grady, Stanley Cup of Chowder for example) but are not. Instead they give us posts like this, submitted by one of their dunderhead readers:

"At what point did things change on Gilligan's Island? Brady used to be Mary Ann, now he is Ginger. Peyton used to be Ginger, maybe even Mrs. Howell (Lovey), and now has become Mary Ann! Brady used to be the likeable 6th rounder who defied odds and someone you always wanted to hang with (Mary Ann), now he runs in exclusive circles and has become that untouchable--almost insufferable (pictures of yourself w/a animal over your shoulders) person you can not relate to (Ginger). Meanwhile, Manning has gone from the elitist, robotic QB that no one could stand/want to hang with even though they are immensely talented (Ginger) to now the self depreciating, likable midwesterner that you may just want to hang out with (Mary Ann). Seriously, at this point, whose house would you want to go over to for a BBQ? Aside from the fact that Gisele would be at one---and let's face it, at this point I am not even sure Brady WOULD HAVE A BBQ---probably a fondue party where the required dress would be an ascot. Good grief Tom---get back to being Mary Ann!"
-- Rick B."

Ok, the analogy sort of works I guess. But it's stupid. This is what we call a "reach", it's long, confusing, convoluted and not funny at all. Which is why BDD posted it. That is like me comparing Nick Green, Heidi Watney and Jason Varitek to Rachel, Joey and Chandler on Friends (kick me in the nuts for knowing that). And secondly, who the hell cares if Tom Brady is big time now? He won us three fucking Super Bowls!!! God, is that site created only to complain about Boston sports?

Anywho. So for all ya'll who like to Twitter, Twit, Tweet, Twat whatever it's called, Smarty, GHABBY, and myself are now part of the cult. If you would like to hear random musings from Smarty, incidents and Tennessee from GHABBY, and drunk ramblings from me, please follow us!

Oh and by the way we are on the Facebook too!

Final order of business. Much love to Boston Sports Media Watch and their writers who have included us weekly in their blog rolls. It's pretty impressive that a site that quality would want to associate with a bunch of Boston schmoes who like to curse and make dick jokes. But in all seriousness that site is primo. Definitely give them a click if you want to know what is going on in Boston sports.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Borges Still Thinks He Dogged It


See there is still harmony in the Patriots-Randy Moss bizarro universe. We finally get the truth after listening to every crotchety, bitter reporter claim that Moss dogged it to end the season, that he was dodging contact, and best of all that he gave up on his team. Because as we all know, team captains constantly just quit on their teams.

"Wide receiver Randy Moss was diagnosed with a separated shoulder following the Patriots' season and that was the reason he did not play in the Pro Bowl, a league source said on Monday."

Yeah what a lazy douchebag. God, Wes Welker would have gone out there with torn ACL, MCL and a shattered knee and taken shots up the middle from Ed Reed. Hell he would have gone to an after Super Bowl party with Ray Lewis, licked his wounds with his saliva, and played the next game. Because he is that gritty and tough. Moss on the other hand bailed on a pass because he wanted the Patriots to lose so he could be at home listening to Lil Wayne, smoking blunts, while drinking Hennessey. Straight cognac biatch.