Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Say It Ain't So: The Globe Cries Wolf Again

Today's latest effort in Globe shit-stirring sounded the Defcon 5 alarm when their crack staff finally realized that Tom Brady's contract is up at the end of the 2010 season. Given that they're a) retarded and b) desperate for any sort of readership whatsoever, they floated the idea that Brady might not be re-signed after next season.

After making an actual indentation of my palm into my face, I decided to actually do something constructive, and point out the various and asundry ways that this conclusion is among the more retarded things ever written:

1) Unless the Brian Hoyer Sex Train to Superbowlville is part of Belichick's master plan, there have been no efforts whatsoever to groom a quarterback behind Brady in preparations for his departure. None. Zero. And I will bet you my left testicle that the Pats aren't trading up for Bradford or Clausen in April.

2) While the playoff FAIL is still in our minds, Brady still threw for 4400 yards and 28 fucking touchdowns this year, apparently with three broken ribs, a broken finger and a chafed dick from banging his supermodel wife. Have you ever tried to get anything accomplished the day after all-night sex marathon? Hell, I have trouble walking for two days after throwing it in a 4 for an hour. Imagine that, all night, every night, with a 10.

3) The last season Brady was fully healthy, he won the MVP and set a record for TD passes. Which means that Brady, when healthy and allowed to fulfill his potential, is insanely, record-settingly good.

4) Brady has repeatedly taken pay cuts and restructured his contract for the good of the team. He's already a multigazillionaire, and he's married to another multigazillionaire. The dude's not exactly hurting for money, and has a good enough head on his shoulders to know that if he asks for the moon (even in an uncapped year), it will restrict the team's ability to obtain a solid foundation of players around him. Like, say, an offensive line that doesn't get him gangraped on every play.

5) Even if Brady does ask for Manning Dollars, the Pats aren't loaded down with sandbagging contracts that would restrict them from paying their most important player market value. Again, that's assuming that the NFLPA and owners agree to a salary cap in 2011. If they don't, the Pats are one of the highest revenue-generating teams in the league, and will assuredly have the dough to invest in the face of their franchise.

6) Most importantly: Newspaper writers in Boston are missing, on average, 15 chromosomes per beat writer.

1 comment:

SmartyBarrett said...

shit-stirring sounded the Defecation 5 alarm