Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Nation's Final Hope


Dear Drew Brees,
You're it. You're all we have left. It's up to you to stand down and defeat what, most certainly, would be the most fellatio-ridden two weeks in media history. Unless you play at your best, we will be forced to endure millions of stories involving the words "gunslinger," "like a kid out there" and "Brett Favre is my hero *slurpslurpslurp*." Peter King, Terry Bradshaw, Mike Lupica, Chris Berman and every other hack journalist across this country will spend two full weeks walking around fully engorged, writing love letters with their erect phalluses. Yes Drew. Typing with their penises.

If you cannot succeed, a 40-year-old Brett Favre will make it to the Super Bowl, causing the internet, if not the entire universe, to implode, killing all of us. Our lives are in your hands Drew. Our lives. Are in. Your Hands.

Please win next Sunday Drew Brees. A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

4 comments:

HZMLS said...

The thought of Rex Ryan actually winning a Super Bowl makes me physically ill.

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

Fuck the Jets.
Fuck the Colts.

It's called funslinging.

Drew Brees is more accurate than an Olympic Archer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVoqA-LKGb4

NFC! NFC! NFC!

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

DREW BREES SPORTS SCIENCE in link form.

Fuck the Colts and Jets.

shaun said...

I agree with the fuck the Jets and Colts part.


Go get em Drew!