Monday, October 25, 2010

A Short Little Prayer


Dear God:

I know I haven't been a very good Catholic lately, heck I swear, drink and only go to church when I'm forced to. But today I come to you a humble man. I pray that in your devine wisdom you can find a way to intervene and make Gene DeFilipo fire Frank Spaziani and Gary Tranquil. And if you can DeFilipo amenable to your wisdom, you could always have Father Leahy fire them all. He seems like a spiritual man, and I think you would have many happy followers if all three were gone. Lord, I feel like Moses in the desert. Walking around aimlessly looking for some type of salvation. I tried praying to Herzlich but he's just one man (one hell of a man at that), and I tried praying to Shinskie but that was intercepted by the Devil, so Im back to you. I know in the Bible people suffer, but Lord, I can't stand to suffer much more, please do what's right. Fire them all, and if you do Ill promise to stop making diddling priest jokes and become pro life. Heck I will even put a LIFE STARTS AT CONCEPTION bumper sticker on my car. I love you god, please don't fail me now. I've dealt with too much crap over the last month to handle more rejection.

Your faithful servant,

Monday, September 27, 2010



So I went out and bought a new phone. Let's see how this works

1. Jonathan Papelbon is not very good.

2. BC football is in a lot of trouble.

3. The Pats let up 30 points to Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick. Woohoo

Thursday, September 9, 2010

How To Make Today 43.7% More Hilarious


So are you guys like me? Are you the "sports guy" in your office? The authority on all things Red Sox and Patriots? Fielding questions on the Revolution and the Boston Beer Drinkers Kickball Association? Verifying rulings in the-bocce-game-I-played-at-my-barbecue-Labor-Day-weekend and whatever?

If so, no doubt you've been hit up by every man, woman, and intern today as soon as you walked through the door. "Hey Smaahty, you heaah about Towm Braaayydee?"

It's really taking all my willpower to not just scream out "YES, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT! NOW STOP BOTHERING ME!" But instead of flying off the handle, I've decided to channel my anger, and now you can too! Just stick to these tips, and I guarantee if you do one or more of these, hilarity will ensue:

1. Casually walk by a co-workers desk and say "Yeah, I did hear that Brady's on life support!"

2. Immediately pick up Brian Hoyer in your office fantasy league.

3. Open the URL and walk away from your desk.

4. Ask the person sitting next to you if they know why "nfl quarterback limb re-attachment" is trending on Google right now.

5. Light a candle in your cubicle and stick a post-it to your shirt that says, "Gone Too Soon - #12"

6. If someone hasn't seen you yet today, go up to them and say that you're having a terrible day. Not only did you get in late, but your minivan got totaled.

Feel free to leave yours in the comments.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Meast of the Year


Boston College opens its 2010 season in a little more than a month, which is big news for me and the 500 other fans who follow this team. But the biggest story is the return of linebacker Mark Herzlich, who is coming back after whooping cancer's ass. Only a year after chemotherapy, and an insertion of a metal rod in his leg, Herzy is back and according to him he expects to be better than his ACC Defensive Player of the Year campaign in 2008. Could he win a Heisman? Probably not, but a delusional Eagles fan can dream right? I know this is Mass Hysteria, home to thousands of poop, fart and dick jokes, but please watch the video above. Herzlich's story is pretty amazing, especially when the only college football stories out are about Florida players taking $100,000 payouts from agents, and Lane Kiffin stealing coaches from other coaches who respected him. Even if you don't give a shit about BC football (and I know almost all of our readers don't), this might, just might, give you a reason to turn on an Eagles football game come this fall.

Hat Tip to Eagle in Atlanta for the Video.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ye Olde Celticks


So word has come out that the Celtics are interested in Tracy McGrady. You may remember McGrady as the guy who quit on the Rockets a few years back. We are investigating the rumor that he is the same person known as "T-Mac" who led the league in scoring for the Magic a few years back, though this reporter sees no correlation. Oh, and there's also rumors that we may sign Shaquille O'Neal, who has now left FIVE teams on bad terms, and is responsible for this:

Imagine if the Celtics sign McGrady and Shaq. That would give the C's FIVE players over the age of 33 (how old Jesus was when he died) when the season starts, all of whom with significant tread on their tires. Thankfully, the marketing geniuses at Mass Hysteria have come up with some slogans for the 2010-2011 Celtics, should they sign McGrady and O'Neal:

The Boston Celtics: The best 2001 team of 2010

It's Hard to Earn Tommy Points Running Like George Jefferson

Think Green (or Jaundiced Yellow)

Team of the Millenium. Last Millenium.

The C's: Almost as cool as AOL


Ramblin' Rajon and the Old Tyme Band

Hey Miami, Get Off Our Goddamned Lawn

Boston Celtics: Functioning Knees Not Necessary

Not Your Father's Celtics. Your Grandfather's Celtics.

Danny Glover Presents the Boston Celtics: We're Getting Too Old for this Shit

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

He must have heard "Manny"


Yesterday after the All Star Game reporters asked Jon Lester a question about old minor league teammate and "totally worth the price of Mike Lowell and Josh Beckett" Marlin Superstar Hanley Ramirez. Asked whether he would want to go to a strip club, I mean get a slice of pizza with Ramirez, Lester said:

"I'd have a better chance of being struck by lightning than me and him getting a pizza together," Lester said. "You can take that for what it's worth. But there was no chance on God's green earth that I was getting a pizza with him."

When asked what he would rather do, Lester continued by saying:

*I'd rather let Lindsay Lohan drive me around Beverly Hills at two in the morning on a Saturday night

* I'd rather discuss affirmative action with Mel Gibson

* I'd rather make out with Marge Schott. Yes 2010 Marge Schott.

* I'd rather drink Busch Light that has been sitting in the sun for two weeks, and is mixed with Mike Timlin's piss.

* I'd rather watch the 2010 All Star Game all over again.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

George Steinbrenner, 1930-2010

That's right. Do you want to say it again? I'll say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not. And how's this: your fired. Okay, you're not. I am just a little hungry. Where's Costanza with my calzone??

Monday, July 12, 2010


David Ortiz, 2010 Home Run Derby Champion

Chicks Dig the Long Ball- Home Run Derby LiveBlog


So I have nothing better to do than watch the Joe Morgan-Chris Berman announced home run derby. No Pujols, AROD, Fielder, Adrian Gonzalez, but who do we start off with first? Chris Young? Is he even an All Star?

8:17- I really hate Chris Berman and Joe Morgan, but really what interesting things can you say about an exhibition skills contest? "Chris Young has a strong swing!" , man what I would pay to hear one of them say "God this was so much better when they were all on steroids" One home run to start, and then two fly balls that make the kids run around like retards trying to catch them. Did I look that bad when I played Little League. No HZMLS, you looked worse.

8:19- Holy Shit, Joe Morgan actually said something useful. I honestly had no idea they played home run derby during actual batting practice. Chris Young continues to hit as I envisioned Chris Young to hit. Eight outs.

8:22- According to Joe Morgan it took until this year for the pitchers to really get used to video. He then goes on to talk about how awesome Grand Funk Railroad's album is, and asked Berman who shot JR.

8:24- As I write all that other shit, Vernon Wells makes a ton of outs. I need to drink like 3 more beers to enjoy this. Wells is out 10 outs 2 home runs, and one gigantic nose. Great job eh?

8:30- Corey Hart is up next, can't wait to see some more line drives. Oh and Berman whips out his first stupid name pun "You gotta have Hart". Damn Yankees! The fact that I know that, makes me feel very very gay.

8:34- As you listen to Chris Berman, remind yourself, this ass clown is going to be honored at the National Football Hall of Fame. Jesus, I need another drink .There is no way I am going to make it through this Derby with the sound on, time to turn on Stern as I live blog

8:46- I'm done. I tap out.

Friday, July 2, 2010

HZMLS Goes To The Theatre: Johnny Baseball


Two weeks ago my mom made the shocking revelation that she got tickets for my entire family to go see Johnny Baseball the "Red Sox Musical". It was going to be a combination family outing, and gift for my father for father's day. I was a little confused, because though my dad isn't archaic, he isn't a musical theatre type that would want to see something like this. My mom was really excited to see my dads reaction when we surprised him with the tickets, what she got instead was a look of horror from him. "Is this going to be another one of those plays where guys wear spandex baseball uniforms and dance around with bats?" my dad said (I cleaned up what he said so I don't offend anyone who may come across this). I am very open to seeing theatre, so what the hell I thought, let's give it a shot. If you are actually going to see this show, and don't want to know what happens please stop reading now.

The show opens with like 8 people sitting in Fenway Park during the middle of Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. Judging from their accents, the director wanted to make them all sound like every Boston stereotype, "GO GET EM' SAWX! THIS IS WICKED DEPRESSIN'! OH MAI GAWD DOOD MANNY ". You know stuff like that. And of course every word that ends with "R" turns to "ah". Stuff every stupid Boston stereotype into one scene and basically thats what you have (though if you sit in the Bleachers the author may not be that far off). Not bad to start, the people are kind of funny, I got a kick out of hearing Tanyon Sturtze and Paul Quantrill referenced. But that is about as far as the "Red Sox Musical" got with me. During this scene one of the kids is talking to an old black man about the game, and the Curse of the Bambino (you know that stupid crap CHB made up to sell books), and the old man says that there really wasn't a curse, but another one that has plagued the Sox.

The story then flashes back to 1919 and a fictional player Johnny O'Neil, who makes it to the big time with a twinkle in his eye (vomits on my seat) and his head in the clouds. He meets Babe Ruth, who likes to drink his ass off, and frankly is the only interesting character in the show, and O'Neil goes out boozing with him. He meets a black girl when he makes the Sox, and guess what? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #1: THEY CAN'T BE TOGETHER! Oh how original! Well she breaks his heart, THEN guess what? He loses his fastball! Oh the irony! The two of them sing all sorts of love songs for what seems like 30 minutes, and has nothing to do with baseball, and at this point I'm wondering "What the hell does this have to do with the Red Sox"? At intermission even my mom was going "guys we don't need to sit through this, do you want to leave?" But being the trooper I am, I wanted to finish what I started.

The show continues to cut to the 2004 game, where different cast members sing songs about why the Sox have to win the pennant. I need to have a baby! Its Superstition! Good lord stop. Just when the show gets "interesting" enough to catch my attention, they go back to 1919 and pour on more of that cliched musical cheese. Cut ahead 30 years, and O'Neil is a coach, and he tries out a black boy on a recommendation of dying drunk Ruth. Here you go kids, guess who this young black boy is? BAD THEATRE CLICHE #2: IT'S HIS SON! He tries out for the Red Sox, but because everyone in Boston hates black people, he and Willie Mays are rejected (not before they do a whole song and dance together). They cut to the Green Monster, and the black boy, who CURSES BOSTON, why? BECAUSE WE HATE BLACK PEOPLE! At this point, I have rolled my eyes so much my head hurts, but it gets better... Cut back to 2004, old black guy who has been narrating to the kid, to no ones surprise reveals he is that black kid, and lifts the curse just in time for David Ortiz to get the game winning hit. End of show. Thank god.

This show has very little to do with the Red Sox and more to do with traditional musical crap that you can see in just about any other show. If I wanted to see a traditional show, I would have gone to see Jersey Boys or RENT or whatever, but they advertised it as the "Red Sox Musical" so idiot as I am, I wanted to try it. I know Musicals are heavy on the predictability and dancing, but when you put the Red Sox, my favorite sports moment of all time, and my team in it, I expected more. I don't want to rip the actors that badly, because they all did a good job given the horrid script and lines that were written for them. Also, the leading woman, who for some reason disappeared for the entire second act, hurt her leg and was bound to a chair for the whole show. I feel sort of guilty ripping this show, which I did last night on Twitter, because its pretty clear the ART reads these things (heck they even apologized to me via Twitter) But my family spent alot of money for 6 seats, and left feeling like we had wasted three hours of our lives. Oh well, I guess thats what happens when you go to the theatre.

We Dun Made It To The Big Top

Mass Hysteria finally has made it to the elite level of foul mouthed, New England Based Sports Blogs. We were actually featured on the CSNNE blog today....Boy oh boy I hope Sean McAdams reads our site...

CSNNE Sports Featuring Mass Hysteria

Check out their site, and GHABBY's post over there on Paul Pierce and his potential new deal. Even when we were warned that we had to "tone down our content", it still came out pretty good!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Our Thoughts on the Sox' Latest Trade





Today's boys have so few sporting heroes to look up to. When I was a kid, I could idolize Nolan Ryan punching people, or Larry Bird punching people, or Mike Tyson punching people. The Ultimate Warrior punching people. Who are today's boys going to look to as pillars of athletic manliness? Who punches people now? NOBODY, that's who.

Except for one man. One pillar of masculinity and testosterone. One chief Vanilla Gorilla. One smashing machine to rule them all. Who am I talking about? Brock Lesnar of course.

Brock Lesnar is the current UFC Heavyweight Champion, and should hopefully smash his way through top contender Shane Carwin this Saturday night. Brock earned that championship by caving in Frank Mir's face, as seen here in Exhibit A:

Seriously, soak that image in for a second. A 60-mile-per-hour car wreck couldn't do that sort of damage to a person's face, and yet Brock did it to the face of a two-time UFC champion. WITH HIS MEATY FISTS OF SMASHING.

Of course, I'm wildy biased, because Lesnar was my favorite wrestler of the last 20 years. He landed on his face doing a moonsault against Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania..and still wrestled. He F-5'd the Big Show with ease. Brock retired the lame "Hollywood Hogan" gimmick. Lesnar even broke the neck of Bob Holly, which is great because Bob Holly sucks.

Due to his awesomeness, Brock can get away with shit no one else can. He can trash UFC's main sponsor (Bud Light) after a fight. He survived diverticulitis, mono and having a HOLE in his intestine. He gets to bang Sable. He trains in the middle of the woods and snow like Rocky in Siberia. He can even get away with having a tattoo on his chest that kinda looks like a penis:

So if you're looking for a prediction for Saturday's fight, I can only give you one piece of advice. Bet on Brock to win. Quickly. And by MEATY FIST SMASH.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Mass Hysteria's Foray Into Short Film


The 'Gody
Written and directed by Smarty Barrett

(Scene: Celtics war room, 2010 NBA Draft, June 24, 2010)

Celtics' Adviser: Well Danny, that was a nice first round pick with Bradley, the guy seems like a stud and he'll be a great back-up to Rondo.

Danny Ainge: Thanks. Well that's one need addressed: the back-up point guard. What else do we need? Who are we losing this year?

Adviser: Well, let's see... Scalabrine's contract is up.

Ainge: (scratches head) Mmmhmm... well, I would like to replace as many guys as possible. What sort of skill set are we looking to fill here?

Adviser: Well, uh, he's basically like... a tall goofy white guy who's not very good.

Ainge: (jumps up from table) I know just the guy!

(cut to: 2010 NBA Draft podium)

David Stern: And with the 52nd pick in the 2010 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics select... Luke Harangody, Notre Dame.

(cut to: The Harangody household)

Luke: YES!! (turns off Jack Johnson on iPod) (high-fives friends) (stumbles) (gets sunburned) (eats mayonnaise sandwich)

(cut to: Celtics' war room)

: Danny, you've done it again!


Thursday, June 17, 2010

First Half Thoughts

Sorry for no liveblog, don't want to distract my attention in any way from this game. This very very very very ugly game. Jim Ross would call this "bowling shoe ugly." If the first half of this game was a woman, it would have Sarah Jessica Parker's nose and Gabby "Precious" Sidibe's physique. If it was a country, it would be Greenland - uninhabitable and misrepresented on maps. If it was a band, it would be Nickelback. Okay, not that bad, but you get my point.

A few first half thoughts, now that I have 20 minutes to get my heart rate down:

-Yes, the Celtics are winning. But it's entirely due to the fact that the Lakers are insanely cold (nervous?) from the field. These things correct themselves. By no means are the Celtics outplaying the Lakers though. In fact, things like 15-2 offensive rebound margin and 8-3 turnover margin (both in favor of LA) mean that the Celtics are playing dumb and lazy.

-The rebounding thing speaks to a larger problem - we've essentially conceded the paint. I have ZERO idea what KG is doing on defense, he's not even making an effort with Gasol. Downs Ostrich has ten rebounds in the first half. Ten. That's fucking disgusting. I was actually glad when KG went out with his third foul. Baby actually is playing Gasol a million times better. Thankfully Odom has been absent and Bynum only has a few minutes left in his legs, so the key to winning back the paint will be stopping Gasol. Whenever a shot goes up, have everyone over 6'7" box out the dirty Spaniard.

-A little worried that a "hot hand" for the C's hasn't showed up offensively yet. Not sure who they'll turn to for that 3rd quarter run. Pierce looks...okay? Allen's been a dud. Rondo's playing jumpy.

-Anyone who calls Kobe clutch needs to look at his performance this half. 3-14 from the field. Not even making free throws. Ohfer from three. No presence on defense. I said it before - Shaq, not Kobe, was the key on those first three championship teams. Here's hoping he tries to shoot his way out of the slump and lulls his teammates to sleep.

-Artest is the Lakers leading scorer. Never in my life did I think I'd be saying that in a Finals Game 7.

-Finally...SCAL ALERT! And he got a Trillion! He gets an honorary Club Tril shirt. Game 7 just got gingered. Here's hoping that's a sign of luck.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Game 6 Liveblog: Kobe Seppuku Anticipation Station


Hubris (also hybris; pronounced /ˈhjuːbrɪs/) means extreme haughtiness or arrogance. Hubris often indicates being out of touch with reality and overestimating one's own competence or capabilities, especially for people in positions of power.

A lot of talk has been made about Kobe Bryant's place in history, how he should rank among the game's ten best players, etc. etc. "He has four rings," everyone says. Sure, yes, Kobe Bryant has won four championships. But I really consider only last year's to be "his," and even that one was saved by a Derek Fisher three-pointer to put Game 4 into overtime. The first three were Shaq-dominated Finals, as evidenced by the fact that Shaq averaged at least 33 points and 12 rebounds in each series, and won the MVP each year.

So to me, "Kobe's team," really only has one ring. Meanwhile, he's lost two (he was the alpha dog on the Malone-Payton Lakers team that lost to the Pistons, and he was embarrassed against the C's two years ago). And Kobe is about to lose another.

Why do I feel confident? Strangely enough, because of Kobe's best play of the series. When Rapey Bryant scored 23 in a row on Sunday night, I knew the Lakers were doomed. He got that "I'm going 1 on 5" look in his eye. His teammates stopped giving a shit, and with good reason. His trust issues reared their ugly head at the worst possible time, just as they have throughout his career. Nowadays, Kobe has to be the center of attention. Kobe has to be the alpha dog. Kobe has to carry the team by himself, and with no help. Because of that, Kobe is going to lose. It's the folly of hubris.

9;01 1st: Uncle Phil Fisher made a steal and beat Rondo to the hoop. This came after Ron Artest made a three. Bizarre start to the game.

6:55 1st: The Laker have 14 points, and all of their starters have scored already. Thankfully Ray FINALLY looks to be back in shooting form.

5:30 1st: ShitshitshitshitSHIT. Perk is down. Goddamnit. Looks like his knee, hope it's not one of his shoulders. He's given the C's a serious dose of Bad Mother Fucker this series, we can't have him out.

2:52 1st - WTF RON ARTEST IS CRAZYING SHOTS INTO THE HOOP. Meanwhile, the C's have worse shot selection than the guy who put seven bullets into 50 Cent. C's down by 8.

End of 1st. Could not be going worse for C's. We can't defend a thing, Rondo is taking stupid shots, Kobe is not only scoring but passing as well, RON ARTEST is bombing away, and oh yeah, here's Simmons' latest tweet:

"Perk helped off by 2 guys. Slowly. He's done. Looks like a blown-out knee." FUCK

10:00 2nd: Nate Robinson just passed the ball off the top of the backboard to no one in particular. If he had simultaneously shit himself, torn an ACL and then allowed someone to grab the rebound and dunk on the other end, it would perfectly summarize how this game is going for the C's so far.

8:38 2nd: My brother, who blew out his ACL, MCL and PCL in high school, just texted me to say that Perk's injury looked worse than his own. Thanks little bro!

8:00 2nd: JEWISH JORDAN FARMAR JUST OUTHUSTLED THE ENTIRE CELTICS TEAM. I'm looking around the room for sharp objects.

God I wish Johnny Most was around to describe this series. Imagine Johnny describing Kobe? Gasol? Artest?! Oh my god I just got a chub imagining Johnny Most doing play by play of a Ron Artest game. It would be the greatest sports broadcast in history, and break every FCC regulation.

6:54: Lakers now lead by 17. Someone hand me a puppy to kick.
6:50 2nd: Dane "Comedy Cancer" Cook is there supporting the Celtics. This all makes sense now.

3:57 2nd: Dude, every time I've had an x-ray, I've had the results in roughly three minutes. But Perk's is taking a half hour? Or are they just not telling Doris Burke in fear of her penis? Oh, and the lead is 22. We just put Shelden Williams in the game. That pretty much describes where the C's are at - Shelden Williams' tardface.

2:00 2nd: Not gonna lie, I'm too busy enjoying the tweets about whether Farmar's dunk on Garnett was the greatest dunk by a Jewish point guard over a 7-foot Hall of Famer ever. Personally, I have to go with the time that Tamir Goodman did a 720 and caved in Shaq's left cheekbone.

Halftime. We're down 20. Outrebounded 30-13. Bench has been outscored 15-0. All of our starters who have played (not counting Perk's seven minutes) are at least -15. I've never felt more hate during a sporting event. Well, at least one not involving the Gators.

7:05 3rd: Celtics playing better so far this quarter, but haven't made shots to knock lead down. Still, rebounding, passing, defending much better. But you can't cut down a lead like this until you start shooting the lights out.

5:28 3rd: Jordan Farmar and Shannon Brown have now dunked on us tonight.

A terrible note from Simmons' liveblog - Perkins apparently heard something pop and is definitely out for the game.

A funny note from Simmons' liveblog: Among the celebrities there is former WCW Heavyweight Champion David Arquette.

4:54 3rd: Shannon Brown has some fucking UPS. Wow can that dude get up there.

End 3rd. Lakers took their largest lead at 25. I want to throw up. Think I'll go to bed now before I start damaging things in the house. Bring on Game 7.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Shut Up, You F*cking Baby (Phil Jackson Edition)


So we here at MH are starting to realize that writing a post every time Phil Jackson whines about something is kind of like posting every time Daisuke walks somebody. But this latest crap is just too asshole-y to pass up. I quote:

Phil Jackson on the energy of Glen Davis: "No, I don't want to talk about that."

Awww, waaahhhh I'm an overrated coach that gets handed superstars on a silver platter, waaahh I didn't game-plan for arguably the Celtics' best bench player, waaaahhh.

Phil also gave a similar quote when he was asked to comment on Nate Robinson's play. Wow. Phil, here's a tip from Bill Belichick: just say "__________(player) was good. We need to do a better job on him next game." That's all. It fits your mold of cold, dry, curt comments, and you can actually NOT sound like a petty little prick. Oh, and I love how Belichick gets ripped by the media because he never gives a good sound bite. Phil's no-comment's must make for some great back page headlines!

Here's a headline, Phil: you're a fucking sore loser. Just admit you got beat and move on - the series isn't over! Stop sulking like a little girl. Would it kill you to maybe compliment the opposition? A little tip of the cap every now and then? Nah, maybe just pout like a little bitch instead.

Oh, and PS - I bet it was real hard to coach Jordan, Kobe, and Kobe AND Shaq to championships. So congrats on that. Call me when you do some real coaching, you shithead.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Game 4 Liveblog: For Those in Need


Game 4. We need this win like a crackhead needs a spoon and some chapstick. Like Lindsay Lohan needs a liver transplant. Like Iowa State needs someone to give them a hug. If the Celtics lose, the series is effectively over, and we're all forced to spend the rest of the summer hearing WOWZERS KOBE BEST IN TEH EVAR? And I, for one, support grammar and not using the word "wowzers," so the C's clearly need to pull out a win here. Please.

National Anthem: I work for an African-American (can't tell you how many times I utter those words in a day) newspaper, and I have no idea who Anita Baker is. Though she does have Fall Out Boy bangs, and is swaying back and forth like me after a dozen beers.

10:53 1st: Ray Allen made a shot! Glad we got that out of the way. Fisher then flopped on top of him because he's floppy, like Bob Dole's penis or the disk that I played Oregon Trail on in 3rd grade computer class.

8:00 1st Ok Pau Gasol is obviously ugly. But did you know he's not even the ugliest prominent Spanish athlete? No, that honor goes to Spanish soccer defender Carles Puyol, who may not only be the best defender in the world, but also one of the ugliest beings on the planet. Drink this beauty in:

Or how bout this one:


5:30 1st: Celtics looking to be suffering from another case of shitnotgoinginitis. 5-15 from the field so far. Luckily only down 1, 12-11.

2:31 1st: 10 points so far from Pierce. He's on tilt. Also, WHO the FUCK thought it was a good idea to give Scott Ferrall a gig on a network show? I'd rather hear the sound of a jihadist Muslim running through my airplane with a doctored butter knife than hear that fuck narrate something.

1:06 1st: Pierce just "mistakedly" hit the ref in the jaw. Why didn't we do this the last two games?

Ends 1st: Two fouls on Rasheed. Only the first was warranted when he jumped on Gasol, like the Stay-Puft marshmallow man wreaking havoc. The second foul prompted his "What, me foul?" dance, which I enjoy thoroughly. It's a kindergarten fire drill of confusion.

10:53 2nd: "Big Baby displaying his athletic ability." That shit gets me every time. And to answer the comment, Big Baby has more hops than me, but it's close. We both employ the same basketball philosophy though - jump only when completely necessary, and only as high as to not cause bodily exertion. The vast majority of rebounds are won before anyone leaves the ground.

Also, Jonah Keri's twitter just put it best "Nate Robinson is the Matt Stairs of the NBA Finals."

8:10 2nd: This game is resembling a WNBA game. Tons of bricks, four-inch vertical leaps, 5-7 point guards and players with square-jawed female significant others. Clearly URI didn't teach Odom that an Adam's apple is a BAD thing on a woman.

2:47 2nd: If I hear Mark Jackson say "Hand Down, Man Down" one more time, I'm going to put my Hand Down his fucking throat and rip out his vocal cords.

Hand down, man (with) downs

17.4 2nd: STOP TIPPING THE FUCKING BALL. I have no idea how the C's are only down four. There is nothing they're doing especially well tonight.

Halftime: Sweet, KG cuts the lead to three at the buzzer. Also, we just had a Rick Fox name-drop, and it wasn't even referring to his creepy Yanni hair or his terrible acting "career" (though I somehow remember that his character on Oz was named Jackson Vayhew. God I remember some useless shit).

Here's some in -depth analysis: In the second half, the C's need everything less shittily. Everything.

10:47 3rd: Reports that Bynum isn't even on the bench for the second half. He only played seven minutes in the first half, so he clearly used up all of his knee-juice in the last game. This could be a good sign.

8:40 3rd: Filthy shot by Fisher, albeit ill-advised. Cut off the C's momentum right there. Now Doc is waving wildly at basketballs on the floor. In one minute, we've gone from "almost taking the lead" to this:

7:45 3rd: The refs have been somewhat decent tonight as far as not calling every little thing, but the Garnett "3 seconds" with four seconds off the shot clock was unforgivably dumb. Can't remember a playoff series with this many WTF calls.

5:17 3rd: One-point game! Now we need to do what we couldn't do last game when we got close. GO FOR THE KILL.

5:01: And like that, KG plays the role of Kung Lao! Aaaaand then Kobe plays the role of Kung Rape. I hate that fucker so much.

1:30 1st: Back-to-back threes now from Kobe. Let me repeat: I hate that fucker so much.

End 3rd - Aaaaah, right when we get a steal at the end of the quarter, we overthrow Rondo again. The Lakers are giving the C's every opportunity to take over this game, but the C's keep botching opportunity after opportunity.

Fun with Stats time! The Lakers are killing outshooting the C's in a huge way - 45% to 39% from the field, 46-25% from three and 83-67% from the line. Rebounds, assists, turnovers, all relatively close. So how are the C's close? Because we've taken thirteen more shots than LA. Hooray for offensive rebounds!

9:40 4th: OUR BENCH > YOUR BENCH. Nate and Baby need to have their own buddy movie when this series is over.

8:22: FUCK AND YES. Baby's making and-ones and swearing at the camera, Gasol's getting stuffed and Lakers are getting F-5'd Brock Lesnar style. Wanna step to Big Baby? YOU'Z A HUMAN HELICOPTER BITCH.

7:46 4th: Starters are, like, so passe. TA puts on his man-pants, and it's an eight point lead. Rasheed then does Rasheed things, like yelling, stomping and...ugh, earning a tech. There's so much pain and crazy behind those eyes.

5:50 4th. Sheed for three! Harness the crazy! Unfortunately Nate caught the crazy, or as Van Gundy said "emotionally drunk." While technicals are obviously a bad thing, at least it's not Perk getting them?

5:38 4th: Getting lectured by Ray Allen must be like getting caught by your Dad with porn, but 100000x worse. Closer to "getting caught by your Elementary school principal with crystal meth."

2:57 4th: Seriously, don't even put the starters back in. Nate and Baby (and TA and Sheed to a lesser extent) are beating the defending champions by their freakshow selves, and it's beautiful. Celtics up 8.

1:33: Starters back in. Just hollllld on. GREAT steal by KG there. Probably saved the game.

1:17: Wahhhhhh I'm Kobe and I'm gonna sit on the ground and pout waaaaaahh. No matter how many rings he gets, Kobe will always be a whiny bitch.

Crowd just apparently chanted "No Means No" at Kobe. Maybe my proudest moment as a Celtics fan.

30:0 4th: STEAL BY RONDO. Quiet night (in fact, quiet last few games) by him, but he does his Rondo-thing when we need him. I just awkwardly fist pumped like Tiger.

Final: Celtics 96-89. C's bench outscored the Lakers bench 23-6 in the second half. Big Baby and Nate just saved this series.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Game 3 Liveblog: Goddamn I Wish I Was Back Home For This


So sometimes I have this dream/fantasy that someone tries to break into my house, and I hear him rustling around downstairs. But instead of calling the cops, I quietly creep down the steps and sneak up behind him in the dining room, just as he's rifling through the china (why I have china, I have no fucking idea. Seriously, what's the point of having dishes you use once a year? Hell, I'm generally averse to using anything but red Solo cups, but that's just me).

Anyways, I creep up behind the robber, but I'm unarmed, because guns are for pussies and bats are so 1930's Chicago. No, I'm armed only with what Dark Lord Xenu gave me, which can defeat a gun, knife or Col. Mustard in the study with the candlestick. I immediately put Mr. Robber Man in a Ted Dibiase sleeper hold, and he can't do a fucking thing. I lock in the Million Dollar Dream for just long enough for a little blood to stop flowing to his head, and then I let him drop. Once on the ground, the beating commences.

I start with kicks. Nothing to the body, I go straight for his head. Also, I'm wearing steel-toed boots with spurs on the front. Don't ask me why. Once I've kicked his fucking face in, I drop to mount position and start raining elbows, like Anderson Silva on a motivated day. Each elbow makes dent after dent in his orbital bone until I can finally see his face collapse in on itself. I finish off the job with fists, not finishing until one eyeball (usually the left) pops out of its socket, hanging on by the strand of the retina. Once I've caved in his skull, face and dislodged an eye, I utter one phrase:

"Don't come in to my fucking house again."

So yeah, the Lakers are in our fucking house. Let's leave them with an eyeball hanging.

10:33 1st: Six straight points by KG. Reports of his death may have been greatly exaggerated. By me. Mea culpa and such.

9:15 1st: Is that Luke fucking Walton? Luke Walton? Two minutes into the game? In 2010? I just checked, his playoff averages are 5.4 minutes and 1.2 points per game. And he's already in the game! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. The Lakers are DOOMED.

6:38 1st: My girlfriend, who is relatively new to basketball - "I don't like those Laker uniforms," followed by a disapproving sneer. I'm like John the Baptist, converting the heathens to Celticstianity. She then saw Derek Fisher and said "look, he has your beard and hair. He's your black twin." I"m not sure how to take that.

5:13 1st: Bullllshit call on Rondo. He's got two fouls, and suddenly my left nut hurts. Thankfully KG is partying like it's 1999. He must've purified himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka and eaten some pancakes.
GameBlouses.jpg image by markedhoosier

End 1st: 25-17 Lakers. How in the fuck are we losing? Oh, right, Bill Kennedy is reffing this game. Two on Perk, two on Rondo, two on Pierce. And why? Kennedy hates Doc Rivers because Rivers allegedy insinuated that he's gay, (seriously) so he proceeds to have forcible gay sex with the Celtics every time he refs to prove that he's not a power bottom. I hope he gets AIDS (not because he's gay, because he sucks at life. I wish straight people AIDS all the time).

10:42 2nd. For. Fucks. Sake. Literally nothing is going right for the C's. If someone in a Celtics uniform tried to scratch their balls right now, they'd probably rip open their sack, nick the vas deferens and die of excessive bleeding.

6:36 2nd: Hey Adam Sandler. Stop wearing a fucking Knicks jersey, you grew up in fucking Manchester. Not Manhattan. Fucking Manch-vegas you douche. Also, you haven't been funny since Billy Madison. Little Nicky was almost as bad as the Chyna sextape.

5:30 2nd: Rondo is apparently loud on the airplane. Pierce isn't loud because he was frozen in an ice block a week ago and hasn't been let out. A Celtics 9-0 run doesn't drop the lead to single digits, so yeah, the game is going great.

3:30 2nd: The girlfriend found some Handi-Snacks in the cabinet. Mmmm Handi-Snacks. I hate cheese, but in elementary school, I used to eat me some fucking Handi-Snacks every day. And no matter how hard you tried, you could NEVER break that red stick. I think it was made out of titanium-grade plastic. If you gave a prisoner a Handi-Snack red spreader stick, he could dig his way out of prison in like 45 minutes.

1:45 2nd: You know how a few years ago Derek Jeter went into the stands in that game against the Red Sox and busted the shit out of his face, and for a second you were like "ya know what? I know I'm supposed to hate that dude, but I sorta have to begrudgingly respect Jeter for that play because the dude goes balls out"? Yeah, Kobe just laid out to save a tipped ball, and, don't respect him at all. Kobe can fuck right off.

Halftime: 52-40 Lakers. Pierce and Allen are a combined 1-13 from the field. ONE FOR THIRTEEN. I mean, okay, if one guy has a shitty game, I get it, that's fine, it's workable. But if TWO of your four stars are rocketing Massaman Curry Beef out of their rectums all over their inner thighs and shoes, then you're all sorts of fucked.

9:10 3rd: Pierce hits a three and Allen hits two free throws. Lead is down to seven. I'm feeling hopey....

8:06...aaaand the refs call Pierce's 4th foul and ignore Allen getting clotheslined on the way to the hoop. If this was the WWE, Kane would have chokeslammed all three refs at this point.

5:30 3rd: Allen and Pierce are now a combined 2-20 from the field. 2-20. The refereeing is horrible, but you're not going to win with Allen and Pierce going 2-20.

If I made my own Sprite movie, it wouldn't involve superhero Asian men. Rather, it would involve me drinking a Sprite, calling it some weak ass soda, and then going into diabetic shock while EMT's pour insulin down my gullet. Also, Grant Hill would be involved, because Grant Hill Drinks Sprite.

1:57 3rd: The lead's down to five....

37.1 3rd...and four....

11:14 4th: I for one appreciated the post-foul dance performed by Rasheed and Big Baby. It was like the Haka but with more jiggling. Also...THREE POINT LEAD BITCHES.

9:45: ONE POINT GAME~!~!~!~!~! I have no idea how this is happening. None of the starters (save Garnett) is having an especially memorable game, the refs are fucking us sideways, Kobe's going off...and yet the lead is ONE. I'm giddy.

8:15 4th: Example 1 of Kobe's dirty tricks - Kicking TA in the fucking neck. This is why the Celtics need a goon. Or P.J. Stock.

5:30 4th: Why do I have that sinking feeling despite the C's cutting the lead to four?

4:20: Derek Fisher and Ron Artest are doing the soul-crushing in the fourth quarter. The girlfriend has spent the last ten minutes criticizing Fisher's entire existence. This after saying I looked like him a few hours ago

2:00 4th: Another CLUTCH shot by KG. Don't know what we'd do without him tonight.

1:29 4th: Crap, that was out on KG. Dammit dammit dammit. Wish Doc hadn't called that timeout. I've gone from full mast to half staff.

1:10 Replay giveth! Reversal shows that Odom touched the ball last, C's get the ball back down 4.

48.3 seconds: Ray's 13th brick, Fisher gets an and one, and the game is pretty much over. Derek Fisher of all people won this game with 10 points in the 4th. Wish I could scapegoat a worse guy. People are probably gonna question giving Allen the shot there, but the guy set a Finals game record for threes just two days ago, and he had the open shot. I should be more pissed, but I'm not.

39 seconds: Some hope there with another out-of-bounds call, but KG squashed it with a moving pick. Game over. Homecourt advantage pissed away. Time to stop neglecting the girlfriend, goodnight.

Monday, June 7, 2010

GHABBY Once had a Series of Posts Dedicated to This Matter

HMmmm What was it? ....

I vaguely remember it had something related to consuming a sack of male genitalia.

Bite a satchel of testicles?

Nah that doesn't sounds right.

Chew on a manpurse of scrotum?



Who do I want to dedicate this to? Phil Jackson. The coach who has the audacity to whine and bitch that Ray Allen was getting preferential treatment from the refs after Game 2. Yes, the coach I assume watched the same game I did, the game where Kobe and Pau Gasol were drawing fouls whenever anyone sneezed on them. The same game where Kobe shot a 3 point play, when the replay clearly showed that no one touched him. The same game the Lakers shot 17 more free throws. The same game that Andrew Bynum was sent to the line after Big Baby clearly blocked his shot. Yeah well the Zen master had this to say after the game:

"When they take away any bumps, when (Derek Fisher) is trying to make him divert his path and they don't allow him to do that, they call fouls on Fish and that really gives him an opportunity to take whatever route he wants to make off the pickers. That really makes it difficult. We just have to adjust to the ballgame to what the referees are going to call. Are they going to allow us to take direct line cuts away from him so he has to divert his route, and call on Fish and get a foul called on Fisher? That makes for a totally different type of ballgame. Then Fish has to give the routes that he wants to run in and then he's got to play from behind all the time."

For that kind sir, I would like to invite you go fellate Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio and the entire cast of this summer's comedic abortion Grown Ups.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Game 2 Liveblog: Ice Cube is a Sellout Edition


Game 2. The Celtics are in desperate need of a win. It's time, I think, despite my defection to the Confederecaahh, to break out the old liveblog. If only because Ice Cube is now a bitch and trying to reprise the career of Bill Cosby or Tyler Perry. Fuck that guy, and fuck LA:

9:18 1st quarter: Second personal on KG already. Remember how the Ultimate Warrior went from "awsomest guy ever" to "that batshit crazy dude who changed his fucking name to Warrior. Seriously, Warrior?" Even Cornholio had to finally stop to get TP for his bunghole. Just sayin.

6:40 1st: I'm going to miss the minor penis charge that i get from seeing Allen's jumper. He's going to look great playing for the Bulls on the veteran's minimum alongside Wade and LeBron next year. *Guzzles Xanax*

4:37 1st: 18-17 Celtics. Shooting extremely well despite the fact that the refs are determined to call fouls on our forwards for manual scrotal itch relief. If we win, the guards will carry us. Thankfully Allen is 4-5 from the field. His scrotal must already be relieved.

3:06 1st: Sheed in a nutshell. Misses ill-advised 3, almost grabs steal out of nowhere, loafs back to Gasol yet somehow ends up successfully defending the shot, then complains about his back. He's like a Playboy Playmate with a flatulence problem.

2:01 1st: The last 11 shots in a row have been missed. Not quite yet the makings of an ESPN Classic game.

.22 1st: "Remember, this is Tony Allen coming off a screen and not Ray Allen, so you have to play accordingly." Nearly did a spit take there. Also, it should be noted that the selection of beer here in Chattanooga is criminally turrble. Liquor stores only have liquor, which leaves grocery stores as the only ones that sell beer. The selection in the beer "aisle?" Every shittastic domestic ever, a dozen flavors of ICE and bottled Guinness if you want to get "exotic."

End of 1st: Celtics 29-22. Shhh don't tell anyone but Kobe is 1-5 from the field with 2 points so far. Though he does have five assists, so there's a chance he's doing all of this on purpose in one of his patented "waaaah I'm throwing a temper tantrum like a child despite the fact that I'm old enough to be prosecuted for rape as an adult" games.

Beginning 2nd: Every time I hear Doc Rivers speak, I want to get him a lozenge. Halls Mentholyptus Doc!

10:21 2nd: To be fair, none of the Gentiles on the Celtics thought Farmar would actually attempt a dunk. Still, that has to be the greatest moment in Jewish Sports History since Sandy Koufax's perfect game.

9:06 2nd: 36-26 C's. Allen's bombing away and Rondo's 6-5-4. EPIC mustache on Andy Garcia. Jack is trying to find the Grand Canyon in his viewfinder.

8:09: Four blocks by Bynum. Someone call Ric Flair to apply a Figure Four Leglock on Bynum. Because trust me, after four marriages and $70,000 a year on limos, Flair needs the money.

6:46: Two straight killer 3's by Allen. Someone needs to make a Youtube of Ray Allen shots with Barry White music in the background. He is the basketball equivalent of baby makin' music.

5:33: ANOTHER three by Ray. Why didn't we run him against Scott Brown again?

4:13: Does Leo DiCaprio keep Kevin Connolly around because he makes him feel tall, or because he makes him feel like the world's greatest actor? E's talent is directly proportional to his height. Also SHELDEN WILLIAMS RETARD FACE ALERT!

2:16 2nd: Ray Allen is now doing his impression of the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Unbefuckingliebable.

Halftime: Cockpunch by Kobe at the end of the half. Lakers score seven straight points to cut the lead to 54-48. Still, I'll gladly, gladly take it. The Lakers may have a more dominant frontcourt (Gasol/Bynum: 25 points, seven bocks, Perk/Garnett: six and none) and have essentially stopped the C's from taking shots anywhere near the rim, but the C's have one thing that the Lakers don't. Ray Muthafuckin Allen. 27 points, seven threes, two grapefruits.

11:22 3rd: SHITSHITSHITSHIT. Aaaand like that, Perk picks up his third, Pierce makes a terrible pass aaaaand like that, it's a one point game. Gahhhhh

10:02 3rd: Lakers lead by one. Pardon me while I scratch my eyeball with a pair of grill tongs. Not even commercials with Rampage Jackson can make me happy right now.

7:14 3rd: Lost in all of the Ray Allen awesomeness is the fact that Pierce and Garnett are now a combined 1-8 from the field. Thankfully Kobe just drew his fourth foul, which is four more fouls than he's had called on him in his entire professional career. Still, KG and Pierce need to do something. Anything. Please.

4:35 3rd: Allen with the record! Hope this means he gets a Topps Record Breaker card.

End of 3rd. Tied at 72. It's Fun with Celtics Stats time!
Rasheed is +17 in 16 minutes of play.
Garnett, Davis, Perk and Rasheed all have four fouls apiece.
Pierce is 2-11 from the field.
Rondo is putting up a 9-11-10. He has played every minute.
Boston has 25 fouls, the Lakers 16.

9:40 4th: 83-30 Celtics. Kobe gets his fifth, Big Baby misses five million shots in a row, and swarthy disease carrier Sasha Vujacic hit a three. Then we get a Nate Robinson Pocket Rocket of Orgasmic Glee. Too much happening, I need an adult!

8:12 4th: The latest Simmons conspiracy theory: Thibodeau just hired "Worldwide Wes" as his agent. Worldwide Wes is LeBron's shady mentor. The Bulls then hired Thibodeau. Ergo, LeBron is going to sign with the Clippers. Also, 9/11 was an inside job, we never landed on the moon, and Tupac is alive and lives on an island with Elvis. Wait, that last one is true.

4:30 4th. 90-89 Lakers. Allen's being tentuple teamed, and Pierce and Garnett have shuffled this mortal coil. This game is Rondo's to win or lose.

2:07 4th: AWESOME block on a Fisher 3 by Rondo. Allen needed to finish that shit. Terrible time for him to go cold. But wait....Gasol just uglied the ball out of bounds! DAGGER by Rondo. God I love that man.

1:26 4th: Celtics by 5. Doc just won the Seniors 100 Yard Dash sprinting onto the court to call a timeout. The previous record holder, Bruce Jenner, looked surprised, but that may have been due to his 584033th face lift:

1:12 4th: 10-0 run by the C's. And Perk didn't even get a tech when Gasol pushed him to the ground because he was pissed that we took Florida from Spain. Kobe with a disgusting followup three though. C's now up by 5.

47 seconds left: Artest just fouled out of the game after shooting 1-10 from the field. These are the moments when I wish he wasn't so heavily medicated and was all assaulty again. Rondo drains a free throw and it's now a 7 point game.

33 seconds left: Did I just hear the voice of a white guy on the C's bench say "my niggaz?" Tell me I'm not the only one who heard that.

GAME - Celtics win 103-93. Allen in the first half and Rondo in the second won this game. Back to Boston for Game 3 Tuesday night.