Monday, November 30, 2009

One of these guys is playing the Patriots tonight

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Honestly I haven't been this excited for a game since, well ok two weeks ago when we played the Colts. Again the Patriots are playing an undefeated team on the road, and again I have this gut feeling that they could pull it off. I have nothing personal against the Saints, they are a fun team to watch, Drew Brees is the shit, and Marques Colston saved my fantasy team like three years ago. Plus they gave BC alum JoLunn Dunbarr a job, which I like. Two great cities going head to head let's take out the tale of the tape:

Food
Gumbo vs. Clam Chowder: I love love love Cajun food, nothing kicks ass more than eating a food with spice and flavor and thats what they have down there. Plus I am lactose intolerant, so eating New England Clam Chowder gives me the worst case of diaherrea. YUM!
Edge: New Orleans

Rap Music
Lil Wayne vs House of Pain(?). Now if I opened this up to music in general it would be a little closer, but I am a fan of the Hip Hop Music. Lil Wayne is incredible, loves the purple drank, and is heading to jail for a year. House of Pain blows.
Edge: New Orleans


Accent: Bostonians sound pretty stupid when they drop and add R's indiscriminately, and have created words like "wicked" and "bubblah". New Orleans have taken the english language bent it over and had their way with it. With words that are completely ludicrious like "maw maw" (grandmother) and YAMAMMA'N'EM the New Orleanians have stomped the language to death.
Edge: Draw


The Girls

New Orleans has some of the hottest pieces of ass from all over the country who flock down to Mardi Gras to show off their boobies and make out. Well at least thats what Girls Gone Wild has taught me. Boston has the conservative college girls. But then again New Orleans has the newest strains of Syphiherpegonerrhea.
Edge: Boston (Unless you don't mind the Super Drips)

The Actual City
Boston is a beautiful lush city with history, culture and tradition. Half of New Orleans was swept away five years ago.
Edge: Boston

Friday, November 27, 2009

Enjoy the Socialized Medicine!

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I WANTZ UR POESITIONZ!


Just like three years ago, Alex Gonzalez is gone again. He can't really hit, he swings at just about everything, but god damn he can play some defense. But on a team that had all sorts of trouble putting together big innings last year having a sub .300 OBP won't cut it. Look at all the other players that had higher On Base Percentages than Gonzalez.

1. Derek Jeter
2. Marco Scutaro
3. Porn Star Houston

4. Ted William's Frozen Head
5. The Backup left fielder on the Saugus Waumpanaug JV softball team
6. Eddie Andelman
7. The Jesus Guy who stands outside of every Boston event with the "You are going to hell placard"
8. A blind folded Kevin Youkilis
9. Eddie Gaedel

10. EVERY OTHER SHORT STOP NOT NAMED YUNIESKY BETANCOURT.

If there is one thing that Theo doesn't seem to "get", it's fielding a viable shortstop that can do more than one aspect of baseball without drooling on himself. Lugo, Gonzalez, Lowrie, Cabrera, Nick Green, the list just goes on and on. With Marco Scutaro and possibly Orlando Cabrera being the only decent stop gaps available this year (unless there is a trade out there), there might be yet another giant void at shortstopYou have to admit watching Gonzalez in the field is something special, but god at times he was painfully bad at the plate. The carousel at SS continues, but we can trust Theo right? RIGHT???

All Josh McDaniels is Trying to Do Is...

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

This game counted right?

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This was a picture of the BC/St. Francis game the other day...No lie there must have been like 1000 fans in attendance.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

And Peter King is an idiot too...

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Everything that needs to be said about the Colts-Pats game has already been said. Believe me, nothing I am going to say here is going to be any magical revelation that is going to shatter your mind about that ball crunching loss. It sucks, and for many no matter what I say is going to be any consolation for a game we should have won. But what I can say is this, losing one regular season game to the Colts is not as bad as it seems. True, home field advantage is pretty much lost, and true the Patriots and Belichick hate brigade are all wiping the semen off their keyboards after their two day jerk off fest, but there is still hope. I was talking to SmartyBarrett yesterday and we both felt that Belichick made the right move, and no matter what Dan Shaughnessy says, he is wrong (entitled Belichick's Gaffe Unrivale):

"This was as bad as anything the Red Sox ever did. Had it been a playoff game, it would be right up there with Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner, Aaron Boone, and History Derailed in Glendale, Ariz."

That's a little bit dramatic don't you think? Hey CHB, every incident you mentioned was a playoff or championship game. THIS WAS A FUCKING REGULAR SEASON GAME. Take a deep breath your curly haired disgrace to our city, because in the grand scheme of things we are still in contention for a first round bye, and we could still have home field advantage against everyone, except the Colts. But you know what? WHO CARES! We almost beat the Colts, at home, without Ty Warren, Jarvis Green, Tully Banta Cain, and straddled with retarded ball droppy Lawrence Maroney and we still ALMOST WON. Bring on the Colts in the playoffs, the Patriots will beat them.

But for others out there, this is just another schaundefreude-ingly fun laugh at "that angry old coot's" failures. For instance, talking dunderhead and blog favorite Jay Mariotti had this to say:

"Welcome to Bill Belichick's comeuppance, a wonderful day for anyone who has thought of him as a cheater and a boor. The hoodie had his initials, "BB," emblazoned on the front of his outer wear. Not since Bill Buckner has a "BB" in Boston sports blundered worse. Staring straight ahead and speaking in his trademark monotone, he took questions and didn't seem to regret what he had done, even though the Patriots are 6-3 and effectively four games behind the 9-0 Colts for playoff positioning in a rivalry where the home field means plenty."


I love the completely irrelevant shots at Belichick, childish-ly calling him names like "monotone" and "boor" (which he is but still). Why so angry Jay? Are you happy to see Belichick fail because he declined to give you a comment for your internet column, or because you caught him sleeping with your wife? And hubris for Spygate? Wasn't that the 2007 Super Bowl? Go to hell Jay. You are just bitter that you live in Chicago and have to live Jay Cutler's sucktastic ass for the next ten years. You know the quarterback that is like a less talented, pancreas devoid Brett Favre. Shoudn't you be bitching and moaning about Cutler throwing 5 interceptions against the fucking 49ers? Enjoy watching the Cubs and White Sox suck balls again next year.


All I am saying Patriots fans, is get off your ledges, put away the bottle of Jack Daniels that has been easing your pain, and get the hell off Belichick's back. Stats already show that he made the best move, and we all know that if Faulk moved the ball two more inches, we would all be lauding how great and gutsy our coach is. We took a 9-0 team down to the final minute the 12th round and almost won, nothing to be depressed and ashamed about. And for the love of god, stop listening to what WEEI, Boston Dirt Dogs, and the reactionary media says. Personally, I still think the Pats are going to finish 12-4 or 13-3 and get that first round, bye. Brady looks as strong as he did in 2007, our defense is solid and we still have the best coach in football. And remember, keep that chip on your shoulder Mass Hysterians, because this is what most of the blog world thinks of you:

"YOU GAWT LUCKY! BELICHICK SHOULD HAVE BEEN REWAHHHDED FAR HIS BAWLLS! HE’S SETTING YOU UP FAR THE NEXT GAME! WE WERE-AH THAH BETTAH TEAM! BAD SPAWT! BAD SPAWT! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I SECRETLY SAW THIS COMING! DON’T YOU SEE? BELICHICK IS KEITH HERNANDEZ! HE’S THAT COOL! THREE RINGS! WE STILL HAVE THREE RINGS AND YOU DO NAWT!"

Hardy har har KSK. So fucking witty, go run through a goddamn brick wall.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Patriots @ Colts, November 15, 2009 *LIVE BLOG*

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Afternoon Checklist

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Smarty Barrett's Afternoon Checklist:

1. Order a shit-ton of wings √
2. Stock the fridge with beer √
3. Make a crazy crock pot concoction that'll be ready for game-time √
4. Have a fantasy team where the bench is out-scoring the starters √
5. Live-Blog the Pats/Colts game


YOUR Afternoon Checklist:

1. Order a shit-ton of wings √
2. Stock the fridge with beer √
3. Make a crazy crock pot concoction that'll be ready for game-time √
4. Make fun of Smarty Barrett's fantasy team √
5. Come back to Mass Hysteria at 8:00 for the Pats/Colts Live-Blog

That's right, kids. Myself, HZMLS, and whomever else wants to join in will be Live-Blogging the action tonight. So y'all need to get FIRED UP! As fired up as this guy:

Wu Tang Eat Your Heart Out

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As both a fan of sports and rap music, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to pass along this little gem. They got rhythm? Check. They have ridonkulous mullets? Check. Is the sound quality terrible? Check. Enjoy.

h/t: Sportsbybrooks

A Schedule of Afternoon Activities for Joey Porter

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With Porter's abrupt change of plans we at Mass Hysteria have a list of suggestions to keep his mind busy. Enjoy your day off!

Channel 4: The Wedding Singer
Channel 5: QVC's Gifts from David's Kitchen
Channel 11: Degrassi the Next Generation (come on Joey we know you love the HS drama)
Channel 18: Dancing Superstars Where are they Now
Channel 26: Chef Todd English
Channel 34: Bowling (Time for a career change?)
Channel 43: The Shaggy Dog (a movie about as entertaining as your sack dances)
Channel 46: The Scorpion King
Channel 52: Looney Tunes

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's On

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I was perusing my Google Reader this morning, and I visited my favorite Yankees site "River Ave Blues", which is a fantastic blog.. Well recently Nike came out with an advertisement for the Yankees celebrating their World Series Championship, and I have to admit it was kinda cool, it showed off the great aspects of NYC and whatnot. Well their reader Stephen came up with this ingenius dig at Boston in general. I have a few general observations about this HILARIOUS OH MY GOD I AM FALLING DOWN I CANT STOP LAUGHING photoshop.

1. It's the Big Dig you fucking idiot, not the "Boston Tunnel". If you bothered to google "boston highway construction biggest waste of money" it should have been your first result. And it collapsed once.

2. Pink hats? Ok, I know Raquel has gone over this a million times, but jesus christ. I went to college with enough Yankee fan broads that had no fucking clue who played for the Yankees in the '50s or could name anyone out of the Yankees bullpen who wasn't named Mariano Rivera. And while watching the World Series it was nice to see that you have you have enough douchebag celebrity fans (i.e Kate Hudson, Alicia Keys, Billy Crystal) to balance out our Ben Afflecks and Kevin James.

3. Ok I will concede that Jay Z is about thirty times the artist that the Dropkick Murphys are. I hate them....a lot.

4. JD Drew was the least of our problems, and if you actually watched a Red Sox game in your fucking miserable life you would have seen that. Drew shows up every post season for the Sox, producing every year, which according to every Yankees fan I have ever talked to is all that matters. My god how many times did I hear that Paul O'Neil and Scott Brosius were so awesome because of their October numbers. And by the way, how did Nick Swisher, your RF perform in the postseason?

5. How dare you steal my nickname for David Ortiz? I have copyrights on Big Popup, Big Slumpi, Big Waste-of-line-up Spot, Big Wasteline. Give him a break bro, he had to change his um, "work out" routine.

6. "When the Subway is packed with Drunk Italian Assholes" there we go, fixed it to apply to NYC.

7. Yeah Yeah Yeah you have your 27th World Championship, and you deserved it. But because I am a bitter asshole, I still have this:

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Grumpy Old Men, Red Sox Edition

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In another example of no brainers, the Red Sox declined to pick up the $5mil option on backup catcher Jason Varitek. Evidently the notion that he "prepares hard for a game" and "manages a pitching staff better than anyone else" was all hocus pocus after all. But why would the Red Sox potentially let their team captain and emotional leader leave?

1. Varitek hit .234 in June .231 in July, .135 in August and .133 in September and October. His hitting was so abysmal that he got exactly NO plate appearances in the ALDS.
2. Jason Varitek can't throw anyone out. I mean no one. If I ran on Tek, I could steal second, and I lose my breath when I go from my couch to the fridge.
3. The one thing that Varitek had going for him was that prime piece of ass, Heidi Watney. But he even lost that to career utility man and minor leaguer Nick Green. Weak.


Not like this really matters, he still owns a three million dollar player option which if he was wise he would take, because looking at his stats who the hell would pay him more to play for them? Personally, I would love to see Tek ride off into the sunset without further destroying his Red Sox legacy, but that probably won't happen.

In other news the Red Sox tore up Tim Wakefield's "we own you until you can't pitch no mo'" perpetual team option contract and resigned him to a two year deal. Wakefield made his first All Star Game this year, then proceeded to completely vanish the second half of the year when he realized that he is a 43 year old pitcher. Tim Wakefield started pitching for the Red Sox in 1995, my freshman year in High School. Just for nostalgia sake let's look at the everday lineup of Kevin Kennedy's 95 Boston Red Sox, and where they are now:

C- Mike McFarlane
1B- Mo Vaughn- biggest slum lord in the Northeast
2B- Luis Alicea- recently fired as the Mets first base coach
3B- Tim Naehring- working in the Yankees minor league system
SS- John Valentin- manager of the Chattanooga Look Outs. TOOOT TOOOT.
LF- Mike Greenwell - was a race car driver, no clue what the hell he is doing now
CF- Lee Tinsley- First base coach of the Mariners
RF- Troy O'Leary- trying to promote a new baseball reality show "Play Big or Go Home" with Drew Carey. Sounds riveting.
DH- Jose Canseco- busy losing MMA fights to 8 foot tall Chinese dudes


Starting Five Pitchers: Wake
Vaughn Eshelman- just like the 1995 season, noone knows where the hell he is.
Zane Smith - ?????????????
Erik Hanson- ?????????????
Roger Clemens- using steroids and banging drugged up Country stars somewhere.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I Gotta Say, Today Was a Good Day

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URGENT: MISSING PERSON

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ATTENTION MASS HYSTERIA: PLEASE, YOUR HELP IS NEEDED. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?


His name is Joey Porter, and he was last seen embarrassing himself, his teammates, and the Miami Dolphins organization. He was supposed to play in an NFL game today at 1 pm in Foxboro, Massachusetts, but a quick check of the stat sheet shows he was not present. Please help: he was talking so much trash, there's no way he was going to miss this game. He answers to "Overrated", "Disgrace", and "Small-Time". He is known for not tackling, talking shit and not backing it up, and being a general failure. Please, any help is appreciated.

HZMLS does not like Joey Porter at all

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Oh would you lookie here, Joey Porter is running his mouth again before the Patriot's game. Oh he remembers our past, thinks we are cheaters, and that Brady gets preferential treatment. Oh waaaaahhhhhhhhh Porter. I think in terms of football players, Porter has to be in my Top 5 of most abhorred, "I hope Dan Koppen piledrives his skull into the ground" players. Every year its the same stupid tired act, that fucking drooling douchebag runs his mouth, and except for the "Wild Cat" game last year, Porter is always wrong. Go ahead, do your little shovel dance, because last time I checked Chad Henne is your quarterback. CHAD HENNE. It's pretty sad that your running back, Ronnie Brown, has a better arm than that loser. The Dolphins were a fluke last year, running that gimmick offense that obviously has run its course, and this year has been exposed. Look Miami, you are two Ted Ginn Jr kickoff returns for TDs away from being in the basement of the East with the Football Abortions the Bills. Let's compare the teams:

Quarterback: Tom Brady vs Chad Henne. HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHA
Edge: Patriots

Runnings Backs: Ok this may be the one area the Dolphins have the edge with Captain Chronic and Ronnie Brown. Miami, I will give you this one. Random question, Fred Taylor isn't on the IR yet, which means at some point during this year we won't be forced to watch Lawrence Maroney stutter step in place.
Edge: Dolphins

Wide Receivers: Who the fuck do the Fins even have? Devone Bess? Their leading receiver is Ted Ginn Jr., who has 200 yards. FOR THE SEASON.
Edge: Patriots

Defense: Well that other shitstain Channing Crowder is out, and Jason Ferguson is out, which leaves the Dolphins with twinkle toes Jason Taylor and motormouth. The Fins defense has allowed 177 points to the Patriots 98 for the season. Plus Brandon Meriweather is a MEAST.
Edge: Patriots

See what I mean? The Patriots are a far superior team, I am not worried, Belichick and Co are going to be ready for this week. The Fins can line up Ronnie Brown whereever they like, because gimmick plays are no match for Tom Fucking Brady. The AFC East is going back to the Patriots this year, starting today with a trouncing of Miami.

Nice balloons, pal.

Friday, November 6, 2009

This explains the whole Lisa Olson thing...

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So Zeke Mowatt wasn't actually flashing his junk at Lisa Olson...he was just using a dick towel! Only $19.95. Funny. Functional. Sexual.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Light at the End of the Tunnel

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So the Yankees are absolutely 100% definitely going to win the World Series. No question about it. It's a lock, a guaranteed lock.

..../jinxjinxjinxjinx

But not to fear, Boston fans. Absorb the shit-talking from the Yankee fans, as the celebrate their first World Series win of the millenium. No need to remind them that the Sox have two already. No need to remind them that your Boston Red Sox are clearly the best team of the decade. No, I suggest just smiling.

That's right. Smile. And hope said Yankee clown is a football fan. Because if so, then he/she/it will be quiet for a LONG time. Because I'm not sure if you noticed, kids, but the Giants are terrible. Like really really epicly bad. "But Smarty," you say. "The Giants are 5-3! That is a winning record! They're only a half game out of first place in the strong NFC East!" To you I say this: shut up. Let's have a look at your 5-3 Giants, shall we? They started off 5-0, woooo! Go team, right? Nasty! They just need to return to their winning ways and Super Bowl city, here we come! Because in those 5 wins they beat...um...well they beat the uh... there was the Redskins... and ooh, the uh... Chiefs, that was err... well, wow... they handled the Raiders, so... and the Buccaneers, they have a, uh... jeez. Those 4 teams have a combined record of... wait for it: 5-24. None of those teams should even qualify as NFL teams. Seriously. Beating them is not an accomplishment, it's a given. Their other win came against Dallas. Fine. Well done. Since the 5-0 start, the Giants have 1. Gotten manhandled by the Saints. Like absolutely fucking destroyed. Then 2. Lost to the Cardinals, who aren't really anything special, but that game was hardly ever in doubt. Which leads to 3. The absolute fist-raping they endured at the hands of the Eagles yesterday. This Giants team is pathetic. They're worthless, and anytime they play a REAL team they take it so hard it would make Sasha Grey blush. Eli Manning sucks, their defense sucks, Brandon Jacobs sucks, and they have no receivers. They are going NOWHERE. If the Yankees blow this 3-1 lead, Yankees/Giants fans might just fucking kill themselves.


But wait. Maybe these aforementioned Yankee jerks are Jets fans! Well then that... wow. Excuse me, I... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Is the Mark Sanchez love affair over yet? Are people realizing that he SUCKS ASS by now? Jeez, I can't wait to play this fucking team again, seriously. They're fucking DONE. I hope the Pats run up the score on them so much that Rex Ryan has 513 simultaneous strokes. That fat shit. The Jets are pathetic.

And if football doesn't get your man-piece all rigid, then may I present this:


Ohhh yeah, that's awesome.

So, just to recap:

1. The Giants suck.
2. The Jets suck.
3. The Celtics are ridiculously, other-worldly nasty.
4. Derek Jeter plays the game the right way. I mean how good is this guy? He's the captain and he is a true Yankee. When he makes a play, you should pause your DVR and bask in the true hustle and grittiness, because THAT'S HOW A PLAY SHOULD BE MADE. Show your son. Show your nephew. Show your neighbor's kid. That's Derek Jeter, boy. That's a man. That. Is. Perfection.
5. Brad Lidge sucks.