An Interesting Stat

In every series in which Yankee fans have chanted "Who's Your Daddy?", the New York Yankees have suffered the worst series loss in the history of professional baseball.

So there's that.


h/t: HZMLS, APNDR

Yeah the Yanks Won and Stuff

So the Yankees euthanized the Rally Monkey with a butcher knife, and made Anaheim look like the ummmm Red Sox. Know what will make us Bostonians feel better? This. Which oddly enough I could watch for hours on end, look at the hypnotic rhythmn in which he strokes that bat. Weird huh? An animated gif that looks like A-Rod jacking off is amusing to me, well there really isn't anything else for me to cheer about baseball wise this time of year. As much as other Boston sites are going to blah blah blah about the Phils winning, the Yanks are going to win...easily. Five games? .Probably, as much as I hate to admit it. Do I really want to see the Yanks win? Absolutely not, I hate watching them win as much as I hate reading about how clutchy Mr. Captain Clutchy is, or the incessant shots of Kate Hudson during the games. So if you are a Yankees fan and unfortunately stumbled upon this blog, congrats on your American League Championship and cherish it, because next year the newly reloaded Red Sox consisting of Felix Hernandez, Adrian Gonzalez and some sort of Jason Bay-Matt Holliday hybrid will kick your ass.

Lord Stuffybritches Presents The Patriots versus the Buccaneers American Football Preview

'Allo! Me name is Lord Stuffybritches, overseerer of the skint in the County of Liverpool. This weekend the Yankee football club the Patriots of New Engerland (those traitorous vermin) will be playing the Tampa Bay Swashbucklers in an exhibition of Yank rules football. Frankly I find the game boring, as the Yanks hae yet to really appreciate the fine art of real football, with the yellow cards and low scoring matches. Boff all ye yanks. The goal of this game is to tackle the opponent before they sneak the ball past the goal line. How brutish and uncivilized!

So first off, in the spirit of Mass Hysteria, a Yank blog written by four undesirables and a wench, we must pick the pregame ale: which of course is Bass, the ale of pommy royalty. Please don't bring any Guiness to any of my parties, because I would rather drink the wazz of a maiden with the plague than drink that Irish cack. And I would never drink Beck's, the official ale of those blinking wankers the Gerry.

Pregame Food: Steak and kidney pie with mash. What better to compliment y'r Bass ale than a steaming plate of a steak and kidney? Does anything say football more than this delicious combination?

Pregame Music: Of course my favourite musician is the beautiful graft of Sir Granville Bantock, whose Fire Worshippers Choral makes Stanley Bate sound like Henry Purcell if ye catch me drift.
Lady of the Week: Elizabeth I. No other bint shows power and nobility like Elizabeth. Underneath those pantaloons was pure womanhood unmatched by any lady nowadays. What me wouldn't give to take off petticoat and rub me beard all over her pale bodice.

The Game: The New Englanger Patriots are led by Thomas Brady, a noble American football tosser who has shown a real skill pitching the ball both on and off the pit. In this match I expect to see Brady hurl passes towards the heavens to his African Ball-Catcher Randall Moss. The Bucs on the other hand have a ball tosser that is reminiscent of Tomas Brolin and his days playing for that pitiful group of scalliwags the Leeds. They make me want to razz up me bangers and mash.

On the defensive, the Patriots will have such a strong protection from attacks from in the air that Winston Churchill will blush. The Patriots of New Engerland have a superior defensive squad second only to Manchester United. The Bucs have made more questionable move than Neville Chamberlain, so it is no wonder they are the laughers of the National Footballs League. The biggest mistakes the Pirates offensive made was demoting Byron Leftwich, who must be a Brit. Byron is a name of British royalty, and our most famous citizen Lord Byron must be whom Leftwich's mater was thinking of when she named her poppet. How divine! How could they not win with a name such as that? Yet now the Bucs hae a tosser named Josh Johnson, the name of an Irish drunkard, and they lose at a rate faster than a French Naval Fleet. But in honour of this wretched team I would fancy to dedicate this poem from Lord Byron entitled And Thou Art Dead, As Young and Fair

The flower in ripen'd bloom unmatch'd
Must fall the earliest prey;
Though by no hand untimely snatch'd,
The leaves must drop away:
And yet it were a greater grief
To watch it withering, leaf by leaf,
Than see it pluck'd to-day;
Since earthly eye but ill can bear
To trace the change to foul from fair.

Me is ready to see some Yankee football!!

Adios Amigo

Yeah no one here is going to shed any tears for your Mr. Galloway. Your stay in New England was short, you dropped passes, ran shitty routes, lost track of the back of the end zone, and got your ass chewed out by Tom. And in the end you were benched for the last three games and replaced by a Jew from Kent State and Sam Aiken. At 36 years old you were a good at ummmmm, and uhhhhhhh yeah. So enjoy playing for the Chefs, or whatever other wide receiver deprived team which is street lingo for "Team with No chance at making the playoffs". Hopefully the Seahawks will release Deion Branch, and we can sign him back, then again Troy Brown doesn't seem to have much going on for him.

Pat I liked to buy an "A"

Ange_s are going to _ose.

I'd like to solve the puzzle.

SAT Analogy Prep. - Courtesy of Mass Hysteria

As we get into the usual SAT months, many high school students may be panicking as they try to prepare for likely the biggest standardized test of their lives. But not to worry, kids. If you saw the Patriots 59-0 drubbing of the Titans yesterday, you should be able to follow along with this. Any of the below are suitable answers to the following analogy:

Patriots : Titans ::

The Harlem Globetrotters : The Washington Generals

Mark David Chapman : John Lennon

Cold Weather : Mark Sanchez's Career

Vomit : Jimi Hendrix

Peter North : Lacie Heart

Jack Daniels : An Unborn Fetus

MLB Steroid Testing : Bobby Abreu's HR Numbers

The Ramseys : JonBenét

Whole Wheat Toast : Smarty Barrett

Mike's Pastry Cannoli : GHABB,Y~!

Dave Henderson's HR : Donnie Moore

The US Military : Pat Tillman

A Book : A Florida State University Player

Rocket Booster Failure : The Space Shuttle Challenger

Derek Jeter : Really, you can't begin to measure the intangibles on this guy... I mean, if you were looking to define the word "leader", you'd have to start with Derek Jeter. Look at the way he approaches the plate -- can you think of a better example for young players? Just point at Derek Jeter, and say "That, son, is baseball. That is being a man." (contributed by Fox Sports)

A Weight Machine : Nancy Benoit


Yours in the comments!

OH YEAH!!! Patriots- Houston Oilers Sort-of-Live Blog

Whoa Whoa Whoa. At 4:39 Lawrence Maroney sprung himself for a 50 yard plus touchdown run. What kind of bizarro world is this? In the spirit of texts from last night, we at Mass Hysteria present: texts from 5 minutes ago.

Smarty Barrett 4:40pm: Wash u ass
HZMLS @ 4:440pm: Wash you ass.

Back to the game. Go Pats

Edit #1: On my way back from Dunkin's, with my traditional post hangover iced coffee I was listening to Gino Cappalletti on WBCN or whatever the hell the new radio station is that carries the Patriots. He on FOUR occasions referred to the Titans as the Oilers. Which raises an interesting question: Was he doing it because of the uniforms or because Gino really believes that the Pats are still playing the Houston Oilers.

Edit #2: I was going to come up with a witty comment about Lendale White fumbling, but I will let this photoshop pic I found on google speak for itself:

Look at that blubber fly!

Edit #3: In the spirit of Tecmo Super Bowl, Tom Brady completes a flea flicker to Randy Moss. Can the Patriots just play in the snow for the rest of the season?

Edit #4: Kerry Collins just fumbled the ball, the second fumble in the second quarter. In related news Kerry Collins isn't a very good quarterback. In even more related news the Titans suck.

Edit #5: Titans fans I hope you are enjoying this. Brady hits Moss for another touchdown pass, and after the play Randy Moss bent Jeff Fisher over and had his way with him. Chris Hope I hope you get Swine Flu, don't you ever touch Tommy like that.

Edit #6: Kerry Collins intercepted by Darius Butler, for like the 34th Titans turnover, followed by his typical "oh shit" face. Before the game Phil Simms mentioned the Pats were starting a mostly rookie secondary against the Titans, I think Belichick could have started Quincy High School's Defense against Tennessee and the Pats could still win.

Edit #7: Brady to Kevin Faulk. Nothing takes the sting out of a loss like a humiliating win. What the hell is wrong with Kyle Vanden Bosch's head? At what point does Jeff Fisher take out Kerry Collins and put in Vince Young? Or is he afraid that VY will be too sad about stuff to be effective?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kerry Collins 1 for 8 with 1 interception. 0 QB rating
Tom Brady 15 out of 16 for 243 yards. 158.3 rating - (perfect)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edit #8: I've kind of lost track with what the hell is going on in this game. Just got a text from GHABBY "This is football porn". Brady just threw his 5th touchdown pass in THE FIRST HALF. A new NFL record, we are now five minutes away from old crotchety writers bitching and moaning that the Pats are running the score up (which they are). But who gives a shit. WORSHIP HIM....GO ON WORSHIP HIM
Halftime Score: 45-0. Yes FORTY FIVE TO NUTHIN.

On that note. I might be closing up this liveblog thing to do something else.

Come On Guys, Pick Your Heads Up

Welcome back to Mass Hysteria folks. The Red Sox season is over. The Patriots blew a very winnable game. This weekend was definitely the type that made you reflect on your fandom, and tested your toughness as a Boston sports fan. Face it, this weekend sucked monkey scrotum, there was nothing satisfying about watching the Red Sox blow two games in a row, and watching the Patriots get absolutely pwned by Josh McDaniel's screaming face. My first initial reaction was god damn it I have to get a drink, this hurts too much, and believe me Sunday night I did plenty of that. But after some deep soul searching, I have moved on, because what is wallowing going to accomplish? And if you have been reading any of the blogs as well you realize that we as a fanbase are not going to get any sympathy from anyone (and of course you can always go over to Deadspin and read Drew Margary's very objective and flattering piece on Boston fans in which he picked out the view points of a select few crazy blowhards and Dan Shaughnessy to overrepresent the rest of us). And why should we get any? All of our major sports organizations have been VERY successful over the past years, and many of these other cities such as Minnesota, Kansas City, Baltimore, and Atlanta haven't seen a winning team in years. Why should they feel bad for us?

Short answer is they shouldn't. We as a fanbase need to pick ourselves up, wipe ourselves off and realize that we still have four FUCKING fantastic sports organizations that are all primed to still be contenders year after year. Instead of rooting against the Angels because they beat the Red Sox, just enjoy the October baseball, there are four great teams still out there, and though the thought of a Dodgers-Yankees World Series makes me physically ill, the next two weeks should showcase some fantastic baseball. Think back to the Twins-Tigers game last week, how awesome was it to watch a great well played game in which you had no vested interest in who wins? And when you watch the Patriots, remember Brady is still getting himself back together and will only get stronger as the year progresses, and no we aren't going to 15-1 or 16-0, the 2007 regular season was a treat, good organizations go through periods that are tough and they push through, thats WHAT MAKES A TEAM GREAT. Almost every championship team has to go through struggles, remember the 2007 Giants almost fired Tom Coughlin four weeks into the season.

We are a tougher fanbase than this. True it sucks that the Red Sox and Patriots lost in one weekend, but instead of using that to elicit pity, store that memory for the next time a Boston team wins a championship, it will make the feeling that much sweeter. The Celtics and Bruins are both getting ready for championship runs, and the Pats are still an excellent team. Though Boston is overly misrepresented as beer swilling, loud mouthed, racist assholes, we are much much more than that. We are a passionate crew, that can take the good with the bad, and 2009 is just going to have to be one of those character building experiences. But it is now time to move on. The Bruins season is now under way, and the Celtics are ready to eat up your nights three days a week. So go grab your Rajon Rondo jersey or oggle at Zdeno Chara in this months ESPN the magazine, because it is fall in Boston, and we are ready.

Hate World, Revenge Soon, Take Out on Everyone.

n/t

No More Excuses

The Sox can still do this, have faith. The bats will wake up, the pitching will return, all the Sox have to do is take this one game at a time. Game Four is in less than two hours, Fenway needs to explode with energy, make this team feel our fervor, and make the Angels shit in their pants. If things start off slow, don't start booing the players, because it will just get ugly after that.

It's all up to you Clay, we all know you can do it, this year you have shown that you not only are going to be a sick starter in the majors, but you have also pitched so well that I am glad we never traded you for Roy Halladay. And to the rest of the team, you are facing Scott Kazmir today, he is not the same Scott Kazmir that kicked our ass for so many years on the Rays. He's beatable, lets pile it on him and crack open that susceptible bullpen.



We still believe.

I'm Not Dealing With This Well

I feel like I can handle a lot but after watching the Red Sox play like balls the last two games, and BC playing more like Salem State than a Division I school, I don't think I can handle much more. Sorry I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but god this is awful. 34-0 AT HALFTIME. ARE YOU JOKING?????


I need some Jack Daniels ASAP

Update 1: Is Escapability a real word?

That's My Boy

If you have been following the bloggings and interwebs you may have heard that conservative blowhard Rush Limbaugh is interested in buying the St. Louis Rams. Why anyone would want to buy that wretched franchise, given its current state is beyond me. But it poses an interesting question: If a man who is pretty much a blatant racist tries to buy a football team, will African American players refuse to play for him? What better person to answer that question than Mathias Kiwanuka, the grandson of Benedicto Kiwanuka, who was Prime Minister of Uganda before he was murdered by Idi Amin. From the New York Post:

"All I know is from the last comment I heard, he said in (President) Obama's America, white kids are getting beat up on the bus while black kids are chanting 'right on,'" Kiwanuka told The Daily News. "I mean, I don't want anything to do with a team that he has any part of. He can do whatever he wants, it is a free country. But if it goes through, I can tell you where I am not going to play."

"I am not going to draw a conclusion from a person off of one comment, but when it is time after time after time and there's a consistent pattern of disrespect and just a complete misunderstanding of an entire culture that I am a part of, I can't respect him as a man."

Exactly, I am blushing with BC pride right now. See what happens when you make racially disparaging remarks against Donovan McNabb, and your entire talk show is a veiled attack against an entire race? You get nothing Rush, you have an entire league of football players that hate your goddamn guts, and fans that have no sympathy for your bullshit. I apologize I know politics shouldn't be brought onto this fun, dick joke loving blog, but I had to.

Oh, and Kiwi I didn't mean to call you boy. I didn't mean it like that, you're not a boy Mathias. You are quite a man, a man that could swallow and eat me.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

(Click for larger image.)

Yes, this will entertain me briefly.

h/t The CMSB.

Just thought I'd point it out.

As you were, then.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Finally, the night we have all been waiting for, the opening of the playoffs for YOUR Boston Red Sox. But of course with this being a West Coast game, the goddamn start time is going to be 930, which I guess is a little better than the 10 oclock starts last year. At the risk of sounding old, I want to let you all know that I go to bed normally around 10 oclock, and wake up a little before 6. I promise you that tomorrow I will be in either one or two shapes: 1) strung out of my gourd after two or three large Dunkins iced coffee b) so friggin tired that I won't be able to coherently form sentences, and barely miss carening my car off the side of the road on the way to work. Or more likely there is a third option, I will probably fall asleep somewhere during the 2nd inning and wake up sporadically to see what the hell is going on. Last west coast swing, I woke up once during the 1st, 7th inning and Heidi Watney interviewing me naked in the shower (wait that was a dream). God I hate late games.

OMGZ!!!!! TONITE IZ THE OFFICE WEDDING!!!!!!! PAM & JIM ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!! Purely out of principal I am never watching this episode, unless I hear afterwards that Pam left Jim on the altar to copulate Michael, or that Jim had been banging Karen on the side the whole time. Though I doubt that will happen, because the Office has turned from irrevant to a goddamn soap opera. But because I have been loyal to the show for such a long time, I have cake topper that I think is very fitting for the show. Hell I will even give you a preview of what it will look like.

The BC Experience: Boston College vs Florida State

Pregame Festivities: As most of you saw, ESPN Gameday inexplicably came to BC to cover this game. Needless to say, the extra attention to my school gave me a bit of a chubby, so I headed over with GHABBY and our significant others (not Matt Ryan and Tim Tebow). The weather was lousy, Miss GHABBY hit a guardrail on the way to the game, and we were late. So when we got there, where did we stand? About as far to the side as humanly possible, but still close enough to the action that we could see Lee Corso's merkin perfectly. We brought signs, which though offensive, we felt were rather humorous. GHABBY had "Smallpox>Seminoles" and I had "Herzlich beats cancers, Long Division beats FSU". I was pretty proud of our witty signs. We did our best to make the signs look pretty, which included my handwriting that resembled a 3rd grader, and GHABBY's yard stick sign holders. Well, within five minutes of holding up the signs the BCPD asked us to take them down, GHABBY asked nicely why, and the cop responded "BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO". So instead of getting arrested we complied, and that was the end of our signs. It was irritating as hell though because all the other students who had giant Kirk Herbstreet head signs, and the billion generic Herzlich eyeblack signs got to hold theirs up. Guess the private Catholic Boston College isn't very progressive. Tedy Bruschi was at the game, which rocked my shit.

The Tailgate: Nothing really new to discuss here, the Flabongo made its grande re-appearance and we drank all of the beer in our coolers before the game. My wife and two other girls at the tailgate destroyed three bottles of champagne. The lesson learned during this tailgate is that GHABBY is very similar to a 2 year old, because the two of them need naps....ALOT. As we were eatting and drinking, I asked his girlfriend where he was, and the response was "Taking a nap in the car". WHO THE FUCK TAKES NAPS DURING A COLLEGE FOOTBALL TAILGATE? Florida fans thats who. In case you were all wondering this weeks spread included: Sausage subs with peppers and onions, italian subs, buffalo chicken dip, veggie platters, cookies, my god my cholesterol must look like Mark Mangino's after a weekend at Country Buffet.

The Game: "BC isn't going to be very good this year, their QB is unproven and their recruiting class sucked"- every pundit in America about BC every single year. Yes this includes my buddy GHABBY, who likes to rip on BC every year (oh and by the way he bought a BC tshirt during the game and openly admitted that BC was his second favorite football team). Let me say, this team is pretty good this year, and David Shinskie is going to be a solid quarterback. Mark Herzlich who's white blood cells are chasing and spearing cancer cells in his body as we speak whooped up the crowd before the game and introduced the team which got my juices flowing. For the second game in a row, the offense moved the ball well, and for the second week in a row they almost blew the game. Montell Harris (my man), saved the day with a 42 yard run. Is Bobby Bowden's career over?

This weekend its off to VT against the #5 Hokies. If I remember correctly the last time we played them a certain someone hit a last second touchdown pass to win the game who was that again?

Your Division Series Prediction Round-Up

The Division Series' are about to begin! Here's what the masses are saying:

Rockies/Phillies

Gordon Edes, Yahoo! Sports: Phillies in 4.
Keith Law, ESPN: Phillies in 4.
Ken Rosenthal, Fox Sports: Rockies in 5.
Nick Cafardo, Boston Globe: Phillies in 4.
Peter Abraham, Boston Globe: Phillies in 4.

Smarty Barrett: The Rockies are a team of destiny! Look at them! No one expected them to be here! Cinderella is going to the ball! ...That said, Phillies in 4.

HZMLS: Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels or Ubaldo Jiminez and ummm Jason Marquis? Not a tough one here, Phils sweep.

Cardinals/Dodgers

Gordon Edes, Yahoo! Sports: Cardinals in 4.
Keith Law, ESPN: Cardinals in 5.
Ken Rosenthal, Fox Sports: Dodgers in 5.
Nick Cafardo, Boston Globe: Cardinals in 4.
Peter Abraham, Boston Globe: Cardinals in 5.

Smarty Barrett: Warning: Watching Albert Pujols hit a baseball for more than 3 hours may result in erections lasting longer than 3 hours. Stare at Jonathan Broxton's gut immediately. Cardinals in 4.

HZMLS: I am praying for a whole heaping gobb of Mannyfail. And I have calculated in my head that the mass Mannyhate > Smoltzloathing and Lugosuckshate. Plus the combination of Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright make me a little giddy. Cards in 5. Suck my balls Manny.


Red Sox/Angels

Gordon Edes, Yahoo! Sports: Red Sox in 5.
Keith Law, ESPN: Red Sox in 5.
Ken Rosenthal, Fox Sports: Angels in 5.
Nick Cafardo, Boston Globe: Angels in 5.
Peter Abraham, Boston Globe: Red Sox in 4.

Smarty Barrett: New year, new players. Last year means nothing. History means nothing. But the trend continues - Red Sox in 4.

HZMLS: Looking back at last year I am shocked that I selected the Angels. How could I pick a team that hasn't beaten the Red Sox in a playoff series in forever? I expect lots more Vlad disappearing acts, Mike Sciocsia giving away free outs, and a massive serving of Josh Beckett/Jon Lester/Daniel Bard/Jonathan Papelbon kicking some Halo ass. Sox in 5.


Twins/Yankees

Gordon Edes, Yahoo! Sports: Yankees in 4.
Keith Law, ESPN: Yankees in 3.
Ken Rosenthal, Fox Sports: Yankees in 4.
Nick Cafardo, Boston Globe: Yankees in 4.
Peter Abraham, Boston Globe: Yankees in 3.

Smarty Barrett: A-Rod goes 14-15 in 4 games. The NY media rips into him for the 1 out he made. Yankees in 4.

HZMLS: Last night was by far one of the most entertaining baseball games I have ever seen. That being said, the Twins don't have a prayer. Yankees in 3.

What say you?

Your Mass Hysteria 2009 ALDS Red Sox/Angels Preview - Part 1

In a desperate attempt to bring you a non-biased view that you may not get from other sites (GAWD, GUY! YOOOOUUUKKK IS TOTAWWLY BETTAHH THAN POOJOLSSS!), we at Mass Hysteria once again bring you a position-by-position breakdown of the 2009 ALDS. The analysis is intended to educate you, get you fired up, and (hopefully) make you laugh. Part 1 of 2.


So how do I put this in the most mature way possible? October baseball makes me smile in my downstairs area. Seriously, there's something about seeing 25 guys in the same playoff hoodie cheering at the top step of the dugout. There's something about an intense stare from a player as his visible breath clouds his face. And there's something about making the California/Hollywood/Los Angeles/2Pacalypse Angels of San Mateo County/Anehiem/City of Compton your bitch. I'm getting used to it.

CATCHER
Victor Martinez vs. Mike Napoli

Anyone else excited to not have one of the worst hitters in the game starting anymore? Seriously, I don't want Tek to get a single at-bat in this series if at all possible, because it's only going to be taking ABs away from Martinez or Lowell or Youk. And nobody wants that. Instead, we got V-Mart, who is all kinds of awesome. Besides having a sick year overall, Victor really turned it on since coming to the Sox, posting a .912 OPS in the home-town uniform. Slam dunk advantage Sox, right? Well, not so fast - Mike Napoli can hold his own here, posting a nice season himself - 22 doubles and 20 homers is good for a .492 slugging and a 116 OPS+. He also holds an edge on V-Mart on defense, nailing 22% of would-be base stealers; twice as effective as Victor. But I'm sorry, Martinez's bat is just too big to ignore. .336/.405/.507 since coming to the Sox? Me likey. Me likey a lot.
Edge: RED SOX



FIRST BASE
Kevin Youkilis vs. Kendry Morales

Another match-up that seems like a slam dunk in the Sox' favor, but again, if you look at it more closely, it's much tighter than you might think. (That's what she said.) So we all know what Youkilis can do; I questioned in the pre-season if he would be able to duplicate the season he had last year, and he shut me right up. Almost identical. The power numbers were down a tad, but the OBP was up and the OPS was practically the same. Another solid, MVP-Top-5-(hopefully)-type year for the All-Star. Now onto the unknown - 26-year-old Kendry Morales. I mean, he was at least unknown until this year, logging only 377 AB over 127 games from 2006-2008. This year? Regular playing time: 152 games, 566 AB, and some damn good numbers. How about 34 homers and 43 doubles? Dude has come alive, and his .924 OPS is for real. If he could only draw a few more walks, this would be a push. But getting on base is important! Just ask the Greek God of Walks.
Edge: RED SOX



SECOND BASE
Dustin Pedroia vs. Howie Kendrick

Whew, OK, time to be rational. Pedroia has had another excellent season, but has slipped a touch from his MVP campaign from last year. Hits, doubles, and homers were all down, which means the slugging dropped almost 50 points. However, Pedroia did up the walks considerably, and still pushed his average close to .300. Howie Kendrick was pretty much the league definition of "average" this year, with above average hitting but weaker power numbers. And god, does this team have ANY patience at the plate? 20 BB in 400 PA!! That can't be good.
Edge: RED SOX



THIRD BASE
Mike Lowell vs. Chone Figgins

As I started to look at this, I couldn't believe the similarity of Mike Lowell's numbers from last year to this year. I mean, seriously, look at them. Homers, doubles, RBI, OBP, OPS+... it's crazy! It's... dare I say it... consistent. Meanwhile, Figgins posted another solid season, increased his walks like CRAZY, which is great news for a speedy dude like him. It's also worth mentioning that Mike Lowell runs like an 89-year-old man. Seriously, it's pathetic to watch. And even though Figgins was caught stealing SEVENTEEN times this year, he's still the better player.
Edge: ANGELS



SHORTSTOP
Alex Gonzalez vs. Erick Aybar

So Alex Gonzalez is pretty freakin' tremendous defensively, no? Range, throwing arm, amazing instincts... he's a huge asset in the field, especially in the post-season. And anecdotally, he's a pretty good hitter too. I mean, it seems like he always gets the big hit when the Sox need it, and he does OK in general, right? Wrong. I was surprised to find out he was this bad, but... he's this bad. I mean, I knew he was a free-swinger who doesn't like to walk (thanks, Dusty Baker), but a 63 OPS+ on the year? Barf. And I know it's been 93 since he's been on the Sox, but still. 5 walks in 159 PAs just doesn't cut it. Meanwhile, Erick Gaybar Aybar isn't too bad. League average numbers with 9 triples and above average defense. Yes, this'll do. Plus, I kind of just wanted an excuse to post this again:
Edge: ANGELS



LEFT FIELD
Jason Bay vs. Juan Rivera

Jason Bay is all kinds of awesome. 29 doubles, 36 bombs, and 94 walks? That's a lot of not-making-outs. And a .921 OPS = lots of yard work. BUT OMG HE IZ ONLY HITTIGN TEH .267!!! Please please please if you hear someone saying this, please punch them. Tell them it was from Smarty Barrett. They no longer have the right to talk about baseball ever. Bay is one of the best, if not THE best OF in the AL. The numbers speak for themselves. Meanwhile, Juan Rivera had a really nice bounce-back year from last year, raising his average 41 points and his OPS 90 points. He also more than doubled his HR total from last year, albeit in 300 more ABs. Can't really knock him, but it's gotta be Bay here. Pasty pasty whiteness wins again.
Edge: RED SOX



CENTER FIELD
Jacoby Ellsbury vs. Torii Hunter

Ellsbury is having an Angels-esque season. Decent average, tons of speed and tons of SBs, and generally weak peripherals. His offense shows that he's below average, and that's even before you build in his totally horrific defense. He's a flashy player who can run and hit a little bit, but that's about it. He could also use a throwing arm. Like big time. Meanwhile, Torii Hunter is better defensively, offensively, and can hit for way more power. He also wins in the "whiter teeth" department. So there's that.
Edge: ANGELS



RIGHT FIELD
J.D. Drew vs. Bobby Abreu

So the J.D. Drew bashing is never going to stop is it? Like no matter how good a season he has? You know Boston Dirt Dogs won't stop, but then again, they're an absolute disgrace, so I guess they don't count. A .914 OPS (that's good for a 131 OPS+), 24 HR, stellar defense, and an all-around nasty year. BUT HIS AHH BEE IYZ IZ LOW!!! Here, read this. Couldn't have said it better myself. J.D. Drew is really really good at baseball. Meanwhile, Bobby Abreu is having a solid season as well. Of course he's getting on base at a high rate, per usual, but once again his power numbers are down. Remember when he went ape-shit in the HR derby? Yeah, not so much anymore, eh? Gotta go with Drew on this one. (BUT AHHBREYEWW HAZ LIKE FAWTY MAWUH AHH BEE IYZ!!!)
Edge: RED SOX



DESIGNATED HITTER
David Ortiz vs. Vladmir Guerrero

The battle of the semi-washed up Dominicans! Actually, both of these guys have made quite a run towards the end of the season to become relevant again - both finishing with identical .794 OPS's. Ortiz somehow cranked 28 homers, which is a freaking miracle considering where he started. And Vlad has really started to hit the ball well since coming back from his injury. These guys are looking pretty identical to me.
Edge: EVEN

Ooooh Your Tears Sustain Me

"Without totally going off the wall here, it is embarrassing to the game," linebacker Ray Lewis said.


"Terrible," Ed Reed told reporters. "Nothing to take away from anybody else's job, but at some point, we have to be better about that. This game has evolved too much not to be precise when there is a spot, when there is a penalty, when anything is going on on this field. We're too smart as human beings.


Yup this is what happens when the Baltimore Ravens lose a football game. They bitch and moan like a 16 year old girl whose father won't let her borrow the Jetta to go to the houseparty on the other side of town. In case you didn't hear the previously UNDEFEATED Ravens lost to the Patriots yesterday 27-21, and could have won if Mark Clayton's hands weren't dipped in cement. But instead of tarring and feathering their crappy wide receiving corp (other than Derrek Mason), the Ravens are going the easy route, pissing and moaning about the refs. But then again this is Baltimore we are talking about here, they probably take their football pretty seriously since they have nothing else down there including: respectable baseball teams, women, and jobs.

Hey guess what? YOU LOST. Your high flying offense of Joe Flacco and Todd Heap was no where near as good as everyone thought it was, and you only stayed in the game because Terrell Suggs mauled Brady for a defensive TD. That's what happens when your QB played for the University of Delaware. And those penalties that you are all whining and complaining about? You deserved every yard of them. Suggs went after Brady in a move that looked eerily reminiscent of Pollard's sack of Brady last year. But you say they shouldn't call that? ITS THE FUCKING RULES, IF ANY OF YOU CLOWNS COULD READ I WOULD TELL YOU TO PICK UP THE RULE BOOK AND GLANCE AT IT. BUT THAT WOULD BE LIKE ASKING A DEAF PERSON TO EXPLAIN THE TEMPO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SLAYER AND STYXX. And the Patriots would like to personally thank all the loud mouthed douchebags on the sidelines that had to mouth off so much that the refs actually penalized the bench prompting Phil Simms to say "I don't think I've ever seen that happen". John Harbaugh they say that leaders need to teach by example. If you are anything like your team, you must be like Kim Jong Il, completely devoid of rational thought and hated by the rest of the world. Only difference is that Il doesn't have an older brother that is infinitely more talented than he is. Great job assrag. To the entire Ravens team, the rest of the league enjoys all of the fines that you will inevitably accrue from your crying after the game. Jerry Jones plans on adding a new gold encrusted toilet seat in his luxury box with your money, and Al Davis is going to extend his life by another 1200 years. So thanks for that.

But anyways the Ravens have never beaten the Patriots, like ever and this game was no different. The real Wes Welker showed up, Sammy Morris awoke from his slumber to run through Haloita Ngata's fat gut. The offense finally looked like an offense that could scare defenses, Brady looked comfortable, and wasn't hobbling around like a gimp. And the defense, oh the defense, how nasty can you be. Merriweather may not be the smartest safety in the world, hell he went to the U, but who else can completely cover a blown assignment by sprinting completely across field to swat away a pass. And the Jets are not going 16-0. Thank you Mark Sanchez, your -1 points in fantasy football really helped me out, thats what I get for picking up a Jet.


Oh and Rodney Harrison, I appreciate your need to get your name out there by saying completely idiotic things, but seriously keep Tom's name out of your mouth.

A Very Special Ravens @ Patriots Week 4 Preview

Wow, we're into Week 4 already? And I haven't written ONE Patriots post yet? As soon as I realized this, I send HZMLS a quick text to ask if I could preview this week's game and he obliged, so here we go! Smarty Barrett taking the reigns and --


WOOOOOO!! OUTTA THE WAY, SNOWMAN!

SB: Ray Lewis? The fuck are you doing here?

RL: Heard you were doin' a preview, MUTHA FUCKA! Preview this: ME BREAKIN' DUDES IN HALF! FEEEEL MEHHH!

SB: Um, OK, we'll get to that, Ray. I mean obviously you guys are a very strong team this year, 3-0 and such, and I think it's mainly due to --


RL: DUE TO ME, MUH MAN! WOOOOOO!!!

SB: Um, sure, yeah, that's part of it. I definitely think the defense as a whole has been --


RL: DEFENSE AS A WHOLE?!?! Dawg, I AM the defense! DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! The FUCK you starin' at, BOY?

SB: Oh, err, nothing. Nothing at all. But I mean, you kind of jump on piles a lot to pad your tackle numbers, I mean... I don't know, just saying that --


RL: OH HELLLLZ NO you DIDN'T!! Ray Lewis IZZ Ray Lewis, MAN! I AM A BEAST! I AM A LEGEND! I KILL DUDES!!!

SB: You kill dudes? Um, maybe you shouldn't... you know, say stuff like...


RL: Say what? What'd I say, motherfucker, huh? What'd I say? You hear anything? I didn't hear anything, you hear anything? You BETTER not have heard anything, dawg. Cuz if you think maybe you heard something, dudes is gonna start disappearing. You get me?

SB: Hear what?

RL: Ezzackly. You a smart dude. All I heard was talkin' about tha defense. DE-FENSE! *ARF ARF* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*

SB: Oh right, the defense. Well, I mean, besides you, of course, Ray Lewis, there's like Ed Reed, right? I mean I think he is just crazy goo --


RL: BITCH, I AM ED REED!

SB: ...you're Ed Reed?

RL: Did I STUTTER, you cracka? I'M ED REED. I AM THE DEFENSE. *AR--

SB: OK, Ray, we get it. You're Ed Reed. You're Ed Reed. Of course. How silly of me to think otherwise...

RL: You goddamn right I'm Ed Reed. I'm also Terrell Suggs, Brendon Ayanbadejo, and Bo Schembechler's fuckin' DAD. BITCH.

SB: Bo Schem--?? ...nevermind. Well, listen, about this game. I gotta say, as a Patriots fan, I'm pretty confident. I mean I know y'all are 3-0, but two of those wins were against the Chiefs and Browns! I mean, have you SEEN those teams play this year?


RL: Yo, how many times I gotta TELL you?!?! I DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN'!! NOTHIN', AIGHT?

SB: OK, fine, but I was just askin' about --


RL: SEE?!?! You askin' questions! I AIN'T NO SNITCH! I AIN'T SAYIN' SHIT! You know what, fuck this. I'm finishing this preview muh-self. 5 important keys to the game, GO:

1. I di'nt kill NOBODY.
2. I di'nt SEE NOTHIN'.
3. Tom Brady go'na get his head KNOCKEDTHAFUCKOFF.
4. I DEFINITELY di'nt STAB nobody.
5. I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!!!!

YOU HEAR DAT, TRENT DILFER? FUCK YOU, I'LL STAB YO' ASS!!!

SB: Ahem, well. That was... that was great, Ray. Seriously. Just, um... this IS going on the internet, so I mean... a lot of that stuff you said is--


RL: It's what? ...shit.

SB: Yeah... probably should have warned you. So um... anything else you wanna add?

RL: Um....

SB: Ray?

RL: ....

SB: OK, so I guess that's it. Go Patri--


RL: DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*