Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Sox Have Clinched!!!! ....Now What?

1 comments

Yes, the wait is finally over. No more irrational pink hat fans going ZOMG TEH RED SOX KEEP LOOZING! DO YOU WANT TO PLAY INZ TEH OCTOBER, SAWX?!?! Tell them to put a sock in it (no pun intended) and get ready to watch the Brian Andersons of the world hit cleanup for the next 5 games. It's called resting your good players for the playoffs. Deal with it.

Unfortunately, because of this, the next 5 games mean nothing. Zilch. Zero. Bupkis. Nada. So what to do while waiting around for the playoffs to start? Read a good book. Hang out with your significant other. Pray that the Celtics sign Rajon Rondo to an extension. (Note to Celtics: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE sign Rajon Rondo to an extension. PLEASE.) Or, if none of those seem viable to you, check out these links!

* Fire Joe Morgan. Fire him now. Seriously. - Yes, we've all heard the "Fire Joe Morgan" refrain before, but this is freakin' awesome. Seriously. Friends at the ejected fan takes it to new levels of geekiness and kick-ass-ness.

* The Emasculation of a Man in 90 Minutes - One word: hilarious.

* Team Names - An Etymological Venn Diagram - I'm kind of in love with this site. /adjusts pocket protector

* Evaluating April MLB Predictions (2009) - Vegas Watch tells us: Who's Smart? Who's Dumb? And why isn't the 'Who's Dumb' list just a huge photo of Steve Phillips?

And finally, what would a linky post be without an I Can Has Cheezeburger reference?


Insert metaphor about the Royals trying to get into the playoffs here.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

REMEMBER THE MAGIC NUMBER IS ONE

1 comments


Last night as I was perusing my Facebook feed I noticed a disproportionate number of my Red Sox fans complaining about the Red Sox game last night. In case you were like most of us and skipped it, you missed Josh Beckett missing a start and saw instead the craptastically ineffective performance of one Michael Bowden. The Blue Jays spanked the Sox all over the place, but please remember, the Wild Card is basically locked up, we have a 99.9% chance of making the playoffs and if we lose one game WHO THE HELL CARES. So for all of you out worry-warts out there, including those morons at Boston Dirt Dogs, here are some things to worry about instead:

* A Kansas City sports team making the playoffs
* The inevitable Saddam Hussein zombie led invasion and destruction of the whole world
* Waiting for Khloe Kardasian and Lamar Odom's 50th wedding anniversary
* Any of the Mass Hysteria writers being sainted by the Catholic church
* Rocco Baldelli playing more than two games in a week
* Catching SuperSwineAIDS
* The Detroit Lions actually winning a ga...hhhhhhh shit
*BC playing Florida in the Rose Bowl. And David Shinskie actually outdueling Tim Tebow in the fourth quarter
* Raquel or Sh!tshow will ever post on Mass Hysteria ever again, and prove to the world that in fact GHABBY, SB and HZMLS are the worst writers in the history of the blogs
* Norman Chad writes GHABBY a Christmas Card. (Oh yeah the Couch Slouch actually emailed us, hopefully more on this to come)
* Natty Light becomes my favorite beer
* Joey Galloway tops the 100 catch mark.
* Canada invades and takes over the United States

And seriously, did you want Josh Beckett out there? DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THREE DAYS AGO??? Here in case you are suffering from short term amnesia, I will give you a picture reminder.

So in conclusion, yeah please pitch Hunter Jones, Michael Bowden, Devern Hansack, Pat Rapp and all the other crap you have in the pen. As long as our starters aren't getting hurt it doesn't matter. But hell tonight, Clay Buchholz is starting for the Red Sox against Ed Romero so you should have your slam dunk win. So no more worrying, the champagne will be popped tonight, but please for my sanity no more line drives off our starters.

Imagine if Thomas Jones Got a Hold of Him

0 comments



Dear Junior Seau,

Pissing off a bull and taunting it is probably a bad idea. Yes, actually its a terrible idea. Those long pointy things sticking out of its head? Those are horns, and contrary to popular believe, they can actually go through a human being's torso. I can't imagine a stupider sport than trying to avoid a pissed off and already irritable bull. You probably deserved your trampling. Maybe you should have just stuck to surfing pal. See you in a few weeks when Adalius Thomas breaks his arm, and Bill Belichick realizes that Gary Guyton isn't very good.

~HZMLS

h/t to reader Alana G for the higher quality video (SEE WE HAVE READERS!!!)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Sorry Matty, But This Is Still Patriots Country

0 comments


TB: Great game there kid, what did you say your name was again? Mitch something?

MR: Hiya Tom! Wow I can't believe I am meeting you!!!!!!!! No my name is Matt...Matt Ryan, I played football down the street from here only two years ago. Gosh Tom Brady. How neat!

TB: Really? That's cool. I didn't know there was another football team around here.

MR. Um, well I played for Boston College, you know the Eagles?

TB: Is that same as American Eagle? I modeled underwear for them once.

MR: No. It's a college football team.

TB: College? Oh that was the SHIT! That's the time of my life where I held a clipboard, drank lots of mint mojitos, and banged more chicks than Hugh Hefner!

MR: Yea, I spent my entire college career with one girl and studying in the library. Well congratulations on the win. You guys played well.

TB: Thanks, and we would have done better if my receivers didn't drop so many fucking balls.

MR: Well give them a break, Joey Galloway is older than Bill Belichick, and Julian Edelman was playing quarterback at Kent State last year.

TB: Yeah, I guess I should give that Little Heeb a break. And isn't it one of those Jaimie holidays today? Isn't it Hunnakah or something?

MR: Yom Kippur. You know that holiday where Jewish people aren't allowed to eat?

TB: So wait that scrawny SOB is going to NOT eat for another week? Jesus Christ. How many scrawny white receivers is Belichick going to give me?

MR: You should have seen my receivers at Boston College. I think one of our wide receivers wrestles now in the Mexican Luchador Wrestling League under the name "El Camaron". I mean seriously do you know what that means?........ Nevermind.

TB: Before you leave, one quick thing, I hear you were named a more attractive quarterback than me. Is that true?

MR: I guess so. I don't bother reading the internet, I have games to prepare for.

TB: WELL I DID, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS FUCKING SHIT. HAVE YOU EVER BANGED A SUPERMODEL?

MR: Um, no.

TB: Ever give a movie starlet the good ole hot beef injection?

MR: Nope.

TB: ARE YOU A FUCKING VIRGIN?

MR: Well, I am saving myself for marriage because premarital intercourse is a sin, so yes.

TB: GGAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.YOU ARE A GODDAMN NFL QUARTERBACK, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LIVE UP TO. NOW GET OUT THERE AND SPREAD YOUR SEED. OK BOY? BY THE TIME WE PLAY YOU AGAIN IN THREE YEARS I WANT TO SEE LOTS OF LITTLE MATT RYANS RUNNING AROUND EVERY STATE IN THE US AND ONE IN JAPAN AND THE UNITED KINGDOM YOU GOT IT?

MR: Sure.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Who Wants to See Dustin Pedroia Jumping on a Trampoline?

1 comments
I can only assume it's all of you. There are no words...



h/t Jay from Fack Youk

Happy Friday!

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2 comments



Good morning folks, happy Friday ya'll. That means only one thing, only one more day until the first ever Mass Hysteria tailgating debauchery fest at Boston College! Bong!! Anyways, most of us still have at least one more day of work to get through before we can let loose and get thrown out of Alumni Stadium for streaking. But oh boy I can't wait for some good ole Pumpkin beer (let the jokes ensue). Last night the Red Sox took another step towards their inevitable date with the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles. Which has got to make you excited because we all know what kind of luck the Halos have had in the playoffs against the Red Sox.

In the final game of a four game series against the Royals the Sox won again 10-3. I haven't had a chance to say this on this blog but, thank Christ Theo did not do what the masses demanded and traded Clay Buchholz. He is awesome, I mean like really awesome. Last night in 6 IP Clay had 8 Ks, and his outting was worth watching the game. I may be a bit presumptious but whatever they tweaked in the minors is working, watch his changeup, he looks almost like a Pedro Martinez circa 1999. I get douche-chills when he pitches, because honestly if he is on, we have the best 3 in baseball hands down.

Most importantly the Magic number is down to three, and like Smarty Barrett I have a music video to go along with it, more to do with what is going to happen in a few weeks than anything:



In between watching the game I watched the Office, which was honestly pretty good. The Pam and Jim shit which I have bitched about on numerous occasions was kept to a minimum, which of course will make the quality of the episode that much better. At this point those two should get their own spinoff and put it on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel, because that is basically what they bring to the table. Oh they are so cute, Pam is pregnant and Jim needs money for the baby! The Office is the wrong format to have this type of storyline, if they put the "Pam and Jim" show on Hallmark the audience can watch with postmenopausal glee as Pam picks out her dress, the reception hall, the guest list and all the other minutia crap that is taking time away from Dwight, Michael, Toby and Ryan.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2 comments

Good morning, all. So I've been a little quiet lately since I excitedly posited that the Red Sox had a shot to win the AL East. Well since then the Sox have blown a 6-run lead in a seemingly slam-dunk game, then ran into the awesome train that is Zack Greinke. (As a side note, if he doesn't win the Cy Young, I am quitting baseball forever. Seriously, this guy is ridiculously nasty. I'm sure this isn't the first place you've read this.) At any rate, they dropped the first two games to the Royals and the AL East dream slipped further and further away. But not to fear! The Sox got back on track last night, the Rangers are still dead and buried, and the Yankees pitching staff is still surrounded with question marks. Last night's game was led by another solid start from Josh Beckett, going only 6 innings and limiting the Royals to just 2 runs despite allowing 12 hits. Just start resting up for the playoffs, cowboy. Meanwhile, the rotting, steroid-leaking corpse of David Ortiz decided to double down with decadron and socked a dinger, picking up 4 RBI in the process. Bring it to the playoffs, big man.


In other news, Texas barely sqeaked by Oakland to prolong the inevitable, but the Sox have Clay Buchholz on the hill tonight, hoping to further cut into the magic number, which currently sits at... well, I'll just let Luniz tell you.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Take a Deep Breath, Things Are Going to Get Better

2 comments

Let's face it last weekends Patriots game sucked....hard. Like on a scale of 10 where 10 is a nuclear holocaust and you survive only to live with half your face melted off, the Patriots game was like a 9.5. It was against the Jets, Rex Ryan was blabbing his jowls nonstop all week, Kerry Rhodes was talking unlike a man with a woman's name, we had just come off a ball busting win against the Bills, and had not lost to the Jets in like 5 years at the Meadowlands. But it sucked, the offense looked like balls, the defense completely fell asleep in the second half, and oh yeah I don't know if you heard but Mark Sanchez is the next coming of Joe Montana, but you know with more poise.

First off, Tom Brady did not look like Tom Brady. Nor did he look like Drew Bledsoe, Byron Leftwich, or any other marginal NFL quarterback. He looked more like Tony Eason. Can I ask, where the hell has the longball gone? When has our entire offense been reduced to short screen passes to Julian Edelman (who yes looks like Wes Welker because he is small and white, but he is different. Edelman is much more Hebrewesque and droppier than Welker), and others that sailed behind Joey Galloway? Sorry, it was fucking frustrating watching our once potent offense look like something that would make Jeff Jagodzinski blush. Was it because our o-line was so overmatched that Brady had no time to set and make longer reads? Who the hell the hell knows, but when you are overthrowing wide open receivers that can't be the line's fault.

But look things aren't all that bad. Our defense kept the Jets out of the end zone, and Fred Taylor looks like he can actually be a productive back, probably because he has more complex moves than Lawrence Maroney's patented stationary juke-in-place shuffle. And give lord and savior Tom Brady some time; he is coming back from a catastrophic knee injury - it will take some time to get used to the flow of the game and feel comfortable making throws. I honestly believe he will get much better than what we saw this week.

But anyways forget about that loss, let Humpty Dumpy and Kerri Rhodes have their moment. It's the New York Fucking Jets for Christ's sake, they have nothing else to look forward to, this will be the highlight of their year. Pats fans should look ahead to Atlanta, and their quarterback Mike Vi....I mean, who is their QB? HOLY DUCKING SHIV!!!!!!!!!


Crap, what do I do? WHAT DO I DO???? Matt Ryan, easily my favorite player in the NFL, the subject of many of my inappropriate quasi homosexual dreams, god of Boston College vs my favorite team the Patriots! SHIT. Who do I root for? Or do I just cheer/cry through the whole game? Of course I want to see the Patriots win, but I rep Boston College every goddamn day, and Matt, will he makes me a bit weak in the knees. Ignoring my sexual confusion, the Falcons/Pats should be a great game. GHABBY will know this feeling next year when Tim Tebow is a 3rd string QB for the Jaguars and plays against the Pats practice defense in the preseason. Know why things are going to get better? Because maybe, just maybe Matty will be at the BC game on Saturday, and just maybe I will run into him. Sigh. That would be AWESOME.

Boston College - 1 Boston University 0

0 comments

According to the AP:


BOSTON - A sign near a construction zone in Boston was catching the attention of drivers and pedestrians this weekend.

On Sunday night, the computerized sign on Massachusetts Avenue near Symphony Hall told drivers to "EXPECT DELAYS," followed with a message that said "SUCKS TO BU"



Zing. See what happens when you win the National Championship? Eagles fans hijack a sign, a sign that was meant to protect you, and filled it with childish jokes. What I don't understand is that somehow my decapitating the terrier near the stadium and pissing in its neck hole didn't make the news, but this did. Friggin liberal media.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

So that's what they call it now-a-days

2 comments



From Red Sox.com


"Green last played for the Red Sox on Wednesday, the night he worked a dramatic game-tying walk in the bottom of the ninth inning of a comeback win over the Angels. As it turns out, Green could barely stand during that at-bat, as his right leg had a "dead leg" type of feeling."

If I was dating Heidi Watney I would be having the same problem. I hate you Nick Green.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Something That Didn't Suck This Weekend

0 comments

Yes, this weekend was a pretty poor one for sports, especially if you were in my shoes. The Patriots lost, BOTH of my fantasy football teams got absolutely CREAMED, and my (real life) baseball team got eliminated from the playoffs. So why am I so happy today? Because the Red Sox are playing some re-god-damned-diculous baseball right now. They've won 9 out of their last 10, they're 12-5 in September, and they've brought the "Do they have a chance at the AL East?" question back into play. They have 5 solid starters for the first time all year and they look like they're going to end the season on quite a bit of a run.

But do they have a shot at the division? With 14 games to play, the Sox are 5 games back of the Yankees, who have 12 games to play. Therefore, the Sox are only 4 games back in the loss column, which means little except to say that the Sox do have control of their own destiny. Let's have a look at each team's remaining schedule, shall we?

Red Sox:

4 @ KC
3 @ NYY
3 v TOR
4 v CLE

Yankees:
3 @ LAA
3 v BOS
3 v KC
3 @ TB


I think it goes without saying that the Sox need to sweep the Yankees this coming weekend. If they don't, this post may as well have never existed, because that's the only thing the Sox need to do to make this discussion even worthwhile. All the Yankees really need is 1 in that series to lock things up. So if the Red Sox sweep that series, they're going to have to make up 2 games elsewhere. 1 game can be made up by winning Thursday night and another can be picked up by winning on Oct. 1 (these are the two days the Yankees are idle). That leaves 9 games left for the Sox to only make up ONE GAME. THREE of those 9 for the Yankees are against the ANGELS, and 3 more against the down-and-out-but-still-tough Rays. Meanwhile, the Sox have the Royals, Jays, and Indians to deal with in that span. Feelin' good yet?


Now some will tell you it's a reach to say the Sox have a chance. And maybe they're right. I mean, after all, I have prefaced this entire argument by saying the Sox MUST sweep in NY. If you take a look at what their overall record needs to be in their last 14 games, it's a little nutty (something like 11-3). But if they keep playing like they're playing, then we're in for a real exciting finish. And I normally wouldn't care about stuff like this, but it's the Yankees. It's the division. It's September.

I love this time of year. Every single game is important, starting tonight at 8:05 in Kansas City. For those that are still asking why I'm so fired up, why I think this is huge, and why I think the Sox still have a shot at the AL East, I can only say this:

Why not?

The Boston College Experience: BC vs. Clemson

4 comments
I know many of you are probably waiting to hear my thoughts on the Patriots game, but you are going to have to wait. Boston College played on Saturday in their first ACC game of the season. And what an epic fail it was. The game was away so I had to watch it on Raycom, which is like watching a football game on Codeine. Their feed was slow, and choppy, and during plays it would like skip, which made watching the football game nearly impossible to follow. Plus they had a billion commercials for businesses that are located strictly below the Mason Dixon line which was confusing and irritating, because I know we can't get Yuengling around here, but do I really need to hear about how awesome their beer is like fourty five times?

Pregame Food: Though it was an away game, BC has become sort of like a religion to my family, we watch it without fail every week. So for this game we had a spread of food that rivaled even a home game. Let me introduce to you the best food ever created by man: Buffalo Chicken Dip. Take Cream Cheese, sour cream, a shitload of chicken, and Frank's Hot Sauce mix it all together and you have the Perfect Storm of artery clogging goodness. No seriously, look it up and try it, devour the entire plate, and then write in your planner "sitting on the toilet" for the next week. Add on top of that Chicken Salad sandwiches, beef burritos, spreadable cheese and cookies to the mix and I am one fat happy man. If I am not a friggin blimp by the end of this season it will be a bigger miracle than George W. Bush winning a second term.

Pregame Drink: Ok. So I get a lot of crap for my selection in beer. "HZMLS what are you a girl, why are you drinking blueberry beer". Stuff like that. So when I tell you that I look forward to Shipyard Pumpkinhead beer, I expect lots of snickering and giggling. But honestly, its a darker beer, with great flavor, but go ahead rip on me. And look at the logo, it screams "Enjoy this beer, before we rip your fucking throat out". Please do me a favor and try the Pumpkinhead.

The Actual Game: Maybe I got my hopes up a little too high after watching BC dismantle Kent State and Northeastern, but I was expecting a lot more out of our offense. To put it gently our offense was pitiful. The offensive line was smacked around, the QBs looked completely overwhelmed and our running backs could never get out of the backfield. Justin Tuggle BC's main QB went 4 for 20 with 1 TD and 2 INT. ***VOMITS***. Dan Shinskie couldn't hold onto the ball and spent his time in the game tripping over his offensive linemen. I can not describe how overmatched the BC offensive line was thoughWe had 2 yards at halftime. 2 F'N YARDS. 1 first down, and a very despondent me. BC allowed one touchdown on a punt return, and like 234 field goals, so the defense was pretty solid even when Tuggle and Co had them backed up like every god damn series. This game was about as unwatchable as it gets, when you include that there were two hour long delays for rain. What the hell are rain delays during a football game?

Preview for Next Week: For the first time eva the entire active crew of Mass Hysteria will be attending a Boston College game. GHABBY can snicker at the "tailgating" efforts, and compare us to every other college that is infinitely superior to ours. SmartyBarrett can see what a tailgate actually looks like, and I can stalk Matt Ryan because I know he is going to be at that game, and I will find him, and I will violate my restraining order. Oh Matty, you are so awesome, and even though I want to see the Patriots win a part of me will be rooting for you. There will be much debauchery, so stay tuned! Hopefully I will remember enough of what happens to report back to you all

Breakfast with the Hysterics

2 comments

Good morning everyone - a lot to get to today, so let's get right into it:

* The J-E-T-S toppled the Patriots 16-9 yesterday. And let's get to the crux of this, folks: Tom Brady is not Tom Brady. I mean, come on, no touchdowns?!?! Kevin O'Connell could have done that. Now if he needs to shake rust off and he'll be back to 2007 Brady by Week 5, then I'm cool with that. But if this is the new post-ACL Brady, then the Patriots are fucked. Fucked hard.


* The Red Sox completed a 3-game sweep of the Orioles behind... DAISUKE?!?! AGAIN?!?! What the shit is going on? Hey, if he's rockin' and rollin' this can only mean good things come October. Meanwhile, Texas continues to lose, and the magic number is now...


...with 14 games to play. So that means all the Sox need to do is play .500 ball the rest of the way and the Wild Card is theirs. So stock your fridge with champagne or Grey Goose or pumpkin beer and get ready for another playoff berth!

* Last but CERTAINLY not least, the results of the caption contest! We didn't get as many entries as I would have liked, but there was one that stood out to me, perhaps because I read it when I was drunk. At any rate, the winner is... *drumroll*

adrunk!

adrunk's entry combined recognition of the costume with japanese porn refereces into a delightful win. So as our winner, you have the choice of the following!

1. A month's supply of Sterk and Xanax courtesy of GHABB,Y~!
2. An authentic copy of the restraining order Matt Ryan has taken out against HZMLS.
3. A jar of REAL TEARS from a URI fan, from Smarty Barrett.
4. A west coast bookie will send you Sh!t Show's thumb.
5. Glittery facepaint courtesy of Raquel.
6. A lecture about how "Milk was $0.05 a gallon in my day!" from APNDR.

In all seriousness, shoot me an email: SmartyBarrett AT gmail DOT com (I would say use the mass hysteria email, but I don't even know how to check it - Raquel set it up and the password is something like "ohmygodrickankielpleaseputababyinsideme") and we'll hook you up with an authentic MLB Sox hat. You know, cuz we're that cool.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

KIFFYKINS HATERAPE LIVEBLOG Second Half

1 comments

Okay, so the first half didn't go as well as planned. But there's 30 more minutes of certain rape to ensue...or more of me vacating my bowels onto my domestic violence recliner. I'm hoping for the former rather than the latter. And so does my chair.

13:52 3rd: Aaaaand Joe Haden grabs a pick. Second half, exact opposite of the first half! BOOM ROASTED. The scheduled assraping may have been delayed for 30 minutes, but fear not folks, it's a-comin.

9:33 3rd: FG Florida. I'm suddely getting flashbacks to last year's Pats. I DONT WATCH THE GATORS TO SEE FIELD GOALS DAMMIT. Gators 16, Kiffykins 6.

7:44 3rd:
Signs of destrucity from the Gator D. Now if the offense can just stop stalling out more than my old '95 Buick LeSabre, which was comprised of 20% paint and 80% rust.

5:24 3rd: Tebow should have been sacked 5739303839 times on that play, and yet the greatest college football player in teh evAr ran for a fi
rst down. But yeah Mel Kiper, he's a tight end in the pros. I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR STUPID HAIR.
0:07 3rd: TD Florida. Demps got the touchdown, but make no mistake: Tebow is singlehandedly carrying this game with his indestructible body parts, his ginormous balls made of sheer brass, and the power of the Lawwwwd. Also, HZMLS and his wife showed up, contrary to reports that they both committed seppuku after BC gained three yards in the first three quarters. Gators 23, Kiffykins 6.

12:33 4th:
TEBOW JUST KNOCKED A MAN'S SKULL OFF. Okay, not his skull, but a helmet that was securely fastened to a skull. This game is finally starting to turn into BonerJams '09.

11:37 4th: Aaaaand Tebow fumbled. Whatever, Burt Re
ynolds probably once fucked a chick who was a 9. We all make mistakes.
8:11 4th: Touchdown Tennessee. First TD allowed by the Gators all year. Not pleased, and mildly drunk. Tonight may end in violence. Six Woodchucks and five Magner's happen to do that to you. Gators 23, Kiffykins 13.

6:17 4th: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. If ANYONE OTHER THAN TEBOW did something on offense this game, I wouldn't feel the need to swallow an entire month's worth of Xanax right now. Must. Stay. Calm. FUUUUUUUUUCK.Dude, all is not fucked.

3:37 4th: First down Vols. Rocky Top is worse than every Nickelback song ever combined.

2:24 4th: GRAB THAT FUMBLE YOU FUCKS. AAAAHHHHH. But Crompton just pissed himself on 3rd down and intentionally grounded but the refs didn't call it because they hate puppies and love Hitler. KILL THEIR FACES ON 4th and 6. Seriously, somebody needs to be decapitated on this 4th down. It NEEDS to happen. I want death. I want it now. I thirst for Tennessee blood. It sustains me.

1:51 4th: AHMAD BLACK YOU ARE.....black. Black as night. Black as Wesley Snipes' taint. God bless you you Nubian God.

End of game: Florida 23, Kiffykins 13. Ya know what Kiffin? You're NOT singing Rocky Top at Florida this year. You lost. You failed in your mission. You're still adopted. You still have cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia that was skullfucked into you by a trucker. A win is a win, even if it's not by 393039 points. We're still undefeated. We're still #1. While it may not have been pretty, the Gators still fucking WON. Suck on deeeeeez sweaty, hairy nutz.

KIFFYKINS HATERAPE LIVEBLOG First Half

0 comments

Yes folks, it's your old friend GHABB,Y, letting you know that reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Okay, mildly exaggerated. Fine, there may have been two or three near-Benoit experiences over the past few months due to almost-assuredly lethal combinations of painkillers, alcohol, Xanax, Sterk and Charlie Kelly Sniffin' Glue, but I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm dripping with excitement at the HATERAPE about to ensue on the glorious turf of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

Honestly, I haven't been this excited for a non-National Championship game since my hormones were making me sexually confused about Danny Wuerffel's Jesus-fueled scruffy manliness. A synopsis of what's about to make today's Florida/Tennessee tilt so Schadenfreuderiffic:

Tennessee, after a shit-tastic year, fired fat tub of goo Phil Fulmer, and, in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, hired Lane "Kiffykins" Kiffin. Kiffin, suffering from an IQ of 39, proceeded to promise upon his hiring that his Vols would beat the National Fucking Champion Gators, in the face of talent, speed and logic. Kiffin then proceeded to bait His Holiness Urban Meyer for the rest of the offseason, once even accusing Coach God Urban of recruiting violations, which Kiffykins later had to retract and basically admit that he didn't know a fucking thing when it came to recruiting rules.

Meanwhile, this constant shit-talking and false accusationing only proceeded to anger the Gators. Kiffin's quotes were posted throughout the hallowed halls of the UF locker room. Gator players vowed to destroy the Vols in ways that cannot be shown on network television. The bear, to borrow a phrase, has been poked.

The Vegas line for today's game is Gators by 28.5. Personally, if they win by less than 40, both myself and everyone else clad the championship colors of Orange and Blue shall be saddened. SO LET'S BRING ON TEH DETHKILLING!

Pregame: Ooooh, the Vols tried to psyche out the Gators by waiting 10 extra seconds to run out to their death. Thankfully, that gave me ten more seconds to look at Ed Orgeron, immortalized in this fine piece of internet genius. Lemsday! Also, the "Florida has won the last two meetings 89-26" is the first fun stat of the day. With any luck, that may be the final score today.

13:09 1st: You're not stopping Tebow on a 4th and 2. You're just not. That conversion prompted the first of what will be many Ric Flair "WHOOO" noises from your intrepid reporter. Also, it's great that Kiffykins learned the lesson of "not kicking to Brandon James," except, you know, the exact opposite.

Btw...it's officially known as "Natty Lite" now? Glad they embraced their drunk high school freshman roots there. Now if Milwaukee's Best will just officially change their name to "The Beast."

11:33 1st: Gators 3, Kiffykins 0. Field goal Gators. I could harp on the fact that Tebow got stopped on two third downs, but the Gator O has gotten off to relatively slow starts this year, only to bring the hate as the game goes on. I ain't scurred.

7:22 1st: Monterrio Hardesty sounds like he should be in a early-90's New Jack Swing group.

4:01 1st: SmartyBarrett just showed up and told me that Urban Meyer is only the 2nd greatest Urban to ever live. Just before I strangled him, he told me that there was a player on the '27 Yankees named, and I shit ye not, Urban Shocker. Also, field goal Tennessee. Whatever, fuck that shit. 3-3 Gators.

13:40 2nd:
Tebow just LIT UP Eric Berry. Then he fingerbanged Berry's girlfriend in front of him, because, well, Tebow doesn't have sex. Actually, he gave her an Urban Shocker.

12:48 2nd: TOUCHDOWN TEBOW. Dude is fired the f
uck UP right now. And so am I. Gators 10, Kiffykins 3. I love life.
8:04 2nd: INT Tennessee. It's nice to know that Berry recovered enough from his brutal concussion to make a nice pick. As much as I hate the Vols, Berry is pretty sick. I'm not saying I'm worried per se, but this game isn't going as rapetastic as I thought. I need more alcohol.

5:56 2nd: FG Tennessee. Helluva red-zone stop by the Gators, who STILL have not let up a TD this season. Even with my boys looking not terribly great this game, I can always take solace in the Vols' lack of ability to get into the end zone. Florida 10, Kiffykins 6.

0:55 2nd: FG Florida. Should've had a TD, but Brandon James just got his shit knocked silly while making a catch in the end zone. I'll just say it: the Vols have a pretty good defense, especially in the defensive backfield. I will now rip out a bicuspid with a set of toenail clippers. Gators 13, Kiffykins 6. Aaaand that's the half. Nonplussed.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Your Mass Hysteria Weekend Caption Contest

4 comments
Happy Friday, all. So in my daily perusal of all things Red Sox, I stumbled upon this piece from the Boston Globe, which tells of the yearly ritual involving Sox rookies dressing in drag. This delightful bit of hazing (and it's not just the Sox who do it) often produces humorous photos, and this year is no different. In fact, the pic below of Junichi Tazawa is so goddamn hilarious we had to turn it into a caption contest.


Here are the rules:

1. Submit your entries in the comments. No limit on the number of entries per person.

2. Racism is not permitted...

3. ...it's encouraged.

4. You have until midnight EST on Sunday night/Monday morning.

5. Winner (determined by the MH editors) gets some sort of prize, be it a guest post or something in the mail. Still working on convincing Raquel to whore herself out to the winner the details. We promise it will be something not lame.

Enjoy the weekend, folks! And bring the funny. Always bring the funny.

Schaudenfreude and Old News

0 comments

I know this story is old but we never covered this, but evidently Ex BC Coach Jeff Jagawhatever can't put together a pro level offense. Duh. Maybe if Bucs management had watched BC shit all over themselves against Virginia Tech and Vanderbilt they wouldn't have made this mistake right. Well at least the coach let him down gently right....right???




"We needed more direction," Bucs coach Raheem Morris said in an early-afternoon news conference. "We needed more precision. [We weren't] getting it at the time, so you make the change."


BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What couldn't put together a gameplan to make Byron Leftwich successful? I can just imagine two Bucs receivers crashing into each other during practice, and a fourth string linebacker out of Youngstown State snuffing Cadillac Williams for a 5 yard loss on consecutive plays.

Enjoy sitting on your ass this season pal.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

0 comments

Thank god it's Friday, did anyone else feel like this week would never end? At the risk of getting reamed by our reader Rocco, it's friggin cold and I think I'm getting sick. It was pretty quiet in the world of sports last night. Most of the world was watching the new Office, 30 Rock and whatever other new shows were on last night. Well any new show that isn't Jay Leno, which really doesn't constitute as a new show because its the same shit as the Tonight Show but at 10pm. How innovative! I missed the Office, because I was watching the game last night, as all of you should have, so don't ruin it for me. BECAUSE ZOMG I NEED TO KNOW IF PAM IZ HAVIN' A BABBYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But anyways the Red Sox played again last night and they lost. And you know who I blame this all on? Not Billy Wagner, not Josh Beckett, not Rocco Baldelli. CAPTAIN JASON VARITEK. Yes our Mr. Intangibles cost us last nights game, and would have cost us the game the night before but luckily the umps were taking bribes from the gangs in Southie. How can you get crossed up on two strike threes in back to back games? So he can't throw out runners, he can't even catch the pitchers he supposedly specializes in and he can't hit. Why should we hold on to him last year? Here just look at his hitting since July:

July: .231 AVG .367 OBP (BWAH??) .369 SLG
August: .135 AVG .233 OBP .250 SLG
September: .130 AVG .200 OBP .174 SLG

I predict by October, Varitek will have forgotten how to swing a bat, and will stand in the batters box and just hold his bat out praying that the ball miraculously hits his bat. And as SmartyBarrett mentioned earlier, he lost Heidi Watney to Nick Green. NICK GREEN. That's gotta be like the captain of the football team losing the cheerleader to the President of the Chess Club. But remember good ole Captain has a player option next year and when he realizes that no other team wants a washed up catcher, he is going to exercise his option. Yeah Tek!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Heidi Watney Goes Kosher

4 comments


So just in case y'all hadn't heard yet, Nick Green is banging Heidi Watney. WHOA, right? From the Boston Herald:

Red Sox stud Nick Green and NESN Fenway honey Heidi Watney putting on a major display of PDA while out to dinner with Jacoby Ellsbury and his S.O. Kelsey Hawkins at Maggiano’s.

So to be clear, we're now all jealous of Nick Green right? And this whole time we thought it was Varitek... fools, all of you. It's ALWAYS the shortstop.

As a side note, HZMLS' wedding rehearsal dinner was at Maggiano's. So now I feel a little like I'm banging Heidi Watney, too. And it feels pretty awesome.

What Did We Learn About the Pats? Week 1

1 comments




Holy crap. I mean jesus. First game of the year and we are treated to this gem of a game. True the Patriots did not look as crisp as you would expect, especially against a team like Buffalo that they had previously beaten 11 times in a row. The running game and defense was very shaky but hey a win is a win, and when your quarterback has just returned from having his knee shattered, I think there is a lot of good to take out of this one.

Lessons learned:

1. Tom Brady is back. Well sort of. No matter what Ron Jaworski crooned about last night, Brady did not look like 2007 Tom Brady. Jaws loved to show slow motion replays of Brady (probably to stare at his perfect body...well that's what I was doing)but the passes he was throwing wobbled, were too high or behind his receivers, or he missed them all together. But being his first game Brady deserves a pass on that, plus he THREW TWO FRIGGIN TOUCHDOWNS IN TWO MINUTES.

2. I love the throwback jerseys both teams were wearing, the Pat Patriot jerseys were much missed, but what the hell were the refs wearing? I understand thats the old school ref jerseys, but they looked like Creamsicles, or even worse Michael Stipe as Captain Scrummy in Pete and Pete (thank SB for the reference)
3. Ben Watson can successfully complete a game without: dropping a pass, getting hurt, or vanishing. In fact he played so well that we can all forget that we wasted an entire draft pick on Alex Smith, and traded the non-Wendys Dave Thomas to the Saints. Now it is time to see if Mr. Watson can do this in more than one game this season.

4. Prepare yourself for insane ramblings about the new rules about roughing the passer. I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THESE GODDAMN YELLOW FLAGS FOR TOUCHING A QUARTERBACK. TRENT EDWARDS HAD THE BALL IN HIS GODDAMN HAND AS THEY WERE TACKLING HIM! YES I KNOW TOM F'N BRADY GOT HURT LAST YEAR FOR A LOW BLOW BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE, THIS IS FOOTBALL FOR CHRISTS SAKES NOT SOCCER. I WANT TO SEE UNCENSORED VIOLENCE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

5. I don't care about Jay Leno's show, and I don't think many other people will either after the initial shock and awe effect wears off. Please stop interrupting every show with your big butt chin and stupid jokes. Your show is going to fail at 10pm, because I think most people who are watching TV are going to watch anything but your lame ass monologues. Oh Kanye West and Taylor Swift are fighting! How topical!

6. Jerod Mayo's injury makes me a sad Panda. It seemed that after Mayo went to the sidelines with the knee injury, Fred Jackson turned into Maurice Jones Freaking Drew. I mean jesus this is Fred Jackson, who I don't know if Al and Cris mentioned this enough played in NFL EUROPE TWO YEARS AGO. How are we going to stop a good running back? Luckily we only have to face Thomas Jones next week.

7. Randy Moss is >>>>>>>>> than Terrell Owens. At points during last nights game I forgot that TO was even on the Bills. I heard that afternoon that some scout thought Owens is starting to look and play old, and if he is going to only catch 2 passes the whole game and get nailed for Offensive Pass Interference, they may be right. He totally deserves the non stop publicity storm that follows him and feeds his ego. Like ESPN's two minute montage of TO mouthing off to refs, fans, Jeff Garcia, his mom, the Pope, Tim Tebow and Megan Fox. Moss on the other hand is still Randy Moss, and I still love him. No homo.

8. Laurence Maroney is still Laurence Maroney. At least he didn't get hurt?

9. What the heck is the deal with the cheerleaders? It was 70 degrees out and they are completely covered from head to toe. Don't they realize that their sole purpose as a cheerleader is to arouse the crowd with hand stands and split that show off just a little less than a stripper at the Foxy Lady.

10. There is NO WAY this team is going 16-0. Just saying. Oh yeah and evidently Tom Brady can say no to a chick. Don't worry Suzy, Broadway Joe's offer is still on the table.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Boston College Experience: BC vs Kent State

3 comments
Because I was away for the Northeastern game, I missed reporting back on an epic 54-0 corn-holing of the Huskies. (Not like anyone would have cared even if I did.) But a funny side story about this game. There was a Northeastern Husky statue near where I got married, and my brother did me a favor and vandalized it with BC gear and shaving cream. I think its a pretty accurate representation of that entire game:

So back to Saturday's Game against Kent State. I know nothing about Kent State other than a bunch of hippies were killed there by the National Guard in the 60's, and Super Jew and current Patriot Julian Edelman played there. I had no expectations that they were going to put up any semblance of a fight, but I was more curious which quarterback would emerge from BC. More importantly than the game, this was going to be my first tailgate of the season, what to drink, what to eat? Would I even remember the game?

Weather: Shitty and wet. Unlike most BC fans skipping the game was not an option, bad weather or not I was going to man through it. Seriously, I should have taken a picture of the stadium, it was about 50% full no wonder BC fans get a bad rap.

Tailgate Food: Meatball Subs and Lasagna. What says BC tailgate better than a heaping bowl of artery clogging cheese and Italian food. My mother in law is a great cook, and mixing Italian food with beer is something that would make Jesus smile. In one single meal there was enough food to make GHABBY (diabetus), SmartyBarrett (wheatard) and Raquel (hippie) sick. Mix in some Italian subs, cookies from Henry's market in Beverly, and Seven Layer bars and I am pretty sure that I carved out two years of my life in one sitting.

Tailgate Drink: Today was a mixture of Sam Adams Boston Lager and Red Dog. Yes, Red Dog. You may remember Red Dog as that beer that existed in the early 1990's with the cool fat Bulldog that was NOT AT ALL AIMED AT UNDERAGED DRINKERS. Many a people asked "That still exists, I haven't seen that in a liquor store in years". But oh it exists on the North Shore, like all of us who have ever lived on the North Shore, Red Dog can not escape. My sister- in- law is still a student, and this has become the beer of choice among her group of friends. I was a little skeptical at first but actually if you were going to drink shitty light beer, Red Dog isn't that bad. Especially if you drink it out of a flabongo.
Yes a flabongo. Its like a funnel, but made out of a flamingo lawn ornament and totally not gay at all. Basically how it works is a company sawed off the legs and beak, you pour the beer in the belly, put your mouth around the beak and drink mutha fuka! See what sucks about getting older, or at least drinking 5 beers before this, was that I really struggled to chug the beer. In fact about a quarter of it ended up coming out of my nose onto the ground, which made Mrs.HZMLS call me a "loser" for not being able to finish it. She tried it right after me and did a whole beer, which of course made me feel like less of a man. Rightly so.

The Actual Game: Today's pregame did not get me into a state where I fogged out during the whole game (it's happened in the past). BC mopped the floor with Kent State, both quarterbacks Justin Tuggle and Dan Skinskie (who is now 25) did reasonably well. I'm not going to bore you with details, but BC won 34-7. It wasn't much of a game. Richie Gunnell who must be in his 9th season for BC scored two touchdowns, and the only low point of the game was that Kent State scored on the last drive of the game against the 2nd string BC defense (the first points BC allowed all season).

During the game, Mark Herzlich was trolling the sidelines. If you don't remember Herzy is the linebacker that many projected to go first round this year to the NFL, but doctors discovered Ewing's Sarcoma in his knee and now he is out, and he has been battling through chemo and radiation treatments at Mass General. But the guy is a freak, my god he is going through horrific shit I can't imagine, and there he is still bench pressing 200 pounds plus and doing leg lifts of 350. Jesus Christ. But anyways BC was selling shirts to raise money for Ewing's Sarcoma, so I bought one of these (it's hard to see in the pic, but the Eagle has Herzy's eye black on). My shirt will look a little different because by the end of the year it will be soaked in beer, tears and shame.


After the Game: More tailgating. Now I am not naive enough to think that BC tailgating is anything special. In fact I would like to thank the residents of Brighton and Newton for making tailgating so difficult. But anyways, hit up some more Red Bull ate some more food and fell asleep on the car ride back. Went home drank some nice scotch, and watched USC beat Ohio State before falling asleep again. What a Saturday, that is exactly what the fall is all about.

Next week: at Clemson. Can BC actually pick a quarterback? Can they actually beat a Division 1 football program?

Breakfast with the Hysterics

1 comments

This may not be a good breakfast, but Serena Williams will feed it to you.


Good morning and Happy Monday, Hysterics; hope everyone had a great weekend. And what a crazy weekend it was! Let's recap the craziness, shall we?

*FOOTBALL STARTED! FOOTBALL! In actuality, it usually takes til like Week 3/October 1/the Red Sox season ending for me to really get immersed in football, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really really REALLY looking forward to the Patriots game tonight. Brady's back, T.O. is talking trash, and Mike Tirico is ready to just throw someone on a table and fuck their brains out. As for yesterday's football action, the Lions still suck, Jeremy Shockey's tattoos are still hideous, and Donovan McNabb still has the durability of an anemic infant. You didn't miss anything unexpected. Now we just need to calm GHABB,Y~! down from his Percy Harvin-gasm.


* The Red Sox team we're going to go to battle (and hopefully the playoffs) with the rest of the year is starting to take shape, and I'm liking what I see. A 4-game lead in the Wild Card, some timely hitting, and a complete dismantling, funeral, and burial of the defending AL Champions over the weekend. Plus, Beckett had a strong, albeit rain-shortened outing, Lester was Lester, and Buchholz has found his man-pants and it doesn't look like he has any intention of taking them off. With those three guys at the top of a playoff rotation, this team could be a real force in October.

*Don't call Serena Williams for a foot fault. Seriously, just don't. It's a bad idea. I'm sure everyone's heard about her crazy tirade directed at the line judge by now, but if not, here's the direct quote:

"I swear to God I'm fucking going to take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat, you hear that? I swear to God."

Awesome. So not surprisingly, Serena was fined the maximum amount and there could be more discipline to come. She is, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, BATSHIT INSANE.

*And to keep it going with the crazy, Kanye West gave all his haters some fuel last night when he ran on stage and tore the mic away from the whitest woman in the world, Taylor Swift. Now I wasn't watching the VMAs because I'm not in middle school anymore, but apparently Ye thought that Beyonce should have won the Best Female Video award. And I'm not condoning what Kanye did, but I mean, what he said is right - the Single Ladies video is kind of a cultural phenomenon. I've masturbated to seen that video dozens and dozens of times, I've witnessed the dance performed at bars by random patrons, and I even know a few steps of it myself. No homo. And this Swift video, well... never seen it. But all that aside, how staged was this whole thing? I mean, with all the outbursts the VMAs have experienced over the years, I'm not naïve enough to believe that this wasn't planned out beforehand. Or is there just no security there? Can anyone just rush the stage as they wish? And WOW! Beyonce won Video of the Year, and she invited Taylor Swift up to "have her moment." And she was conveniently right off stage! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!?!

Beyonce, who ended up winning Video of the Year for "Single Ladies," after all, used her acceptance-speech platform to invite Swift "to come out and have her moment." Swift emerged quickly (almost too quickly, as if this were all orchestrated well beforehand) and got enormous applause.

NO WAY!


But anyway, here's your coincidence of the day, kids. A song produced by Kanye West and dedicated to the memory of Serena Williams' sister, who was slain on September 14th. Can't make this stuff up.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Special Guest NFL Preview: Francine from Revere

0 comments



Hi guys! My name is Francine, I live in the most beautiful, green, scenic city in all of Massachusetts. Revere!!!! I ran into GHABBY at Kelly's Roast Beef and he talked to me about this here blog. Well I was intrigued and offered to write for the blog, because I have never actually seen a computer before, let alone a blog. I offered GHABBY a handjob in the bathroom for the opportunity (he declined I guess he has a girlfriend, that has never stopped me before, but he seemed to find everything I find funny so I stopped), but when I told him I could show him a dead body, GHABBY jumped at the opportunity. SO HERE IT GOES!!!

Colts vs Jaguars. I have to go with the Jaguars here, because one time I got a promotion at Hooters when I blew my boss in his Jaguar in the parking lot. Don't laugh, I am Plus Peyton Manning reminds me of my dad, we had a relationship that was kind of complicated. Well my psychiatrist says that its not a good idea to talk about him, look at pictures of him, or be around people that look like him. Hold on I need to pop a Xanax or 15.

****ahhhhh much better*****

Detroit vs Saints. I don't really know alot about football, but I know that Detroit is like the Wonderland of the NFL. It's dirty, gross, and only people really down on their luck go there. My younger brother lost my parents house there on a horse named "Lucky Lucy", he got his life back together, now look at him. I'm so proud ;)

Plus I love New Orleans, one time I hitchhiked down there (think my hair looks big now, you should have seen it then!). Well I got down there, and ended up carrying a baby that looked like a mix between a rhinoceros and Gollum. Thank god I was quick enough to leave it on the steps of the Revere fire department. GO SAINTS!!

Philadelphia vs Carolina. Though Carolina is my favorite state, I am going to have to go with the Eagles on this one. I don't get why Mikey Vick is getting all this trouble, I mean all the hombres in my neighborhood fight dogs and its wicked fun! I get paid to go in my bra and undies and hold a sign, and the doggies are soooooo cute. I like the Eagles!! WOOHHOOOO

Miami vs Atlanta. I am going to go with Atlanta on this one. One time I went Miami during SPRING BREAK (I know I didn't go to college, but strippers need a break too!). Let me tell you, Revere Beach is so much prettier than Miami. I saw all these skanky girls down there, and I was not impressed. Plus none of the men had facial hair let alone chest hair, helllooo gold chains anyone, what are you poor? Plus what is with the lack of cologne? So yeah, I am going to go with the Atlanta Braves. Tomahawk chop!

Patriots vs Buffalo Bills. Oh my gawd. I fuckin' love the Pats, you should totally see me in my Chris Slade jersey, I look wicked hot! Plus when I'm at work at the Cabaret (the same one in GHABBY's columns, thanks for the free ad!!!) Plus that Terrell Owens show? Umm not that great, I mean can it really hold a candle to I Love NY, or Flavor of Love. Um no. So yeah, I get moist just thinking of Tommy Brady. I can just imagine, his big hands rubbing up against my leopard print leotard, oh my god. Wait what was I talking about???

Well I'm off, time to hit up Club Caravan, all those Brazilian boys were asking about me last weekend!

Breakfast with the Hysterics

5 comments

* First night of FOOOOOTBAWWWWLLL. Defending champions Pittsburgh Steelers vs the Tennessee Titans. Right off the bat we all knew this was going to be a defensive game. But if you loved 3 and outs, missed field goals, battling for field position and no offense shown from anyone who hasn't had their dong on the internet, than this was the game for you. I have never seen anyone get so excited and love saying a name than Al Michaels with "TROY POLAMALU". My god, it was like Michaels was getting erect saying his name, salivating over every syllable. And it didn't help that Cris Collinsworth is pulling the Peter King-Brett Favre Syndrome crap with Troy either. Sure POL-A-MALU!!! is one of, if not the best safety in football, but jesus christ the man can do no wrong. He fucking ran into the WR on a route, got called for pass interference, and Collinsworth was acting like the refs impregnated his daughter. Then PO-L-A-MA-LU!!! got hurt, and things sort of returned to normal, Big Ben getting chased around the pocket, no scoring, and by the third quarter I was asleep.


Where the hell is Richard Seymour??

* So yeah, Richard Seymour still hasn't reported to the Raiders, which might eventually lead to the voiding of the trade. Al Davis has already sent him a letter, threatened to expose Seymour's D in 9th grade Spanish, and a corny love letter to Tina Blatts in 10th grade. I heard JT The Brick on NESN last night, and he thinks the Patriots are low brow and we hurt Seymours feelings, and what kind of loyalty are we showing Seymour for all his hard work? Hey Guess what "Brick", football is a business, sure Kraft could have shown a little more tact in the matter, but when Al Davis gives you an absolutely insane offer, you take it. Now Richard, stop crying and get your ass over to Oakland.

* The Red Sox did not play last night. BOOOOOOOOOOO. But on the other hand Dice K pitched for Single A and looked pretty good. Then again he is pitching against players that are one step above Beer Leagues and whatever the hell that league is that SmartyBarrett plays in. The Sox still don't have a number four, with Wakefield's back acting up, and Byrd always one pitch away from being absolutely smoked. But then again we still have to actually MAKE the playoffs before we can set our rotation.

Well that's it folks, feels good to be back, have a great Friday.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

My Senate Resume by Curt Schilling

2 comments

by Curtis Montague Schilling

Age: 42

Government Experience: None

Party: Republican

Resume:

1992-2000
Pitcher
Philadelphia Phillies
* Kept small children away from John Kruk's mouth
* Prevented Mitch Williams from swallowing lethal amount of Draino after Game 7 of the 1993 World Series
* From my expert knowledge of the economy I gave Lenny Dykstra the tools to set up his financial empire
*I was awesome

2000-2003
Pitcher
Arizona Diamondbacks
*Taught Randy Johnson how to read and write his name
* After losing Cy Young to him two years in row, told him his best career move would be to play on the big stage in New York.
* I was awesome

2004-2007
Pitcher
Boston Red Sox
* Brokered my own trade over turkey dinner with Theo. Trade consisted of myself for: Brandon Lyon's left arm, the rotting corpse of Casey Fossum and an IOU for a cup of Legal Seafood Clam Chowder.
*From October 2004 to 2007 I overcame more adversity than Lance Armstrong, Helen Keller and Anne Frank combined. Did you see the color of my sock?
*Broke Red Sox record of most Dunkin Donut munchkins eaten in a day with 345 beating Rich Garces's previous record 0f 327.
* I was awesome

2003-present
Mage
Level 94
World of Warcraft
* started really playing in 2007 to get myself in shape for the 2007 baseball season
* defeated the darklord in Azeroth, only needing the Blue Sword of Truth and the Pangean Shield of Courage to win
* Pwned a n00b PK in the woods after he slayed my blood brother Hotstud696969
* I was awesome

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pro: Semi automatic rifles, John McCain, blog posts over 3000 words, my 2009 Hummer, this burger:


Anti: the gays, Randy Johnson, evolution, A-rabs, Michael Moore, skin cancer.

Hey Richard

1 comments

View Larger Map

Driving directions to Oracle Arena & Oakland Alameda County Coliseum
(510) 569-2121
3,098 mi – about 1 day 21 hours
Gillette Stadium
1 Patriot Pl
Foxborough, MA 02035
(508) 543-8200
1.Head east on Patriot Pl
0.1 mi
2.Turn left to stay on Patriot Pl
0.3 mi
3.Turn left at US-1/Washington St
4.5 mi
4.Merge onto I-495 N via the ramp to Marlboro
22.1 mi
5.Take exit 22 for I-90/Mass. Pike
Toll road
1.1 mi
6.Merge onto I-90 W
Toll road
Entering New York
123 mi
7.Continue on NYS Thruway Berkshire Spur
Toll road
6.6 mi
8.Take exit 22-61 for I-87/I-90 toward Buffalo/Albany
0.5 mi
9.Merge onto I-87 N
Toll road
13.6 mi
10.Continue on New York Trwy W (signs for I-90/Buffalo)
Toll road
1.3 mi
11.Merge onto I-90 W
Partial toll road
Passing through Pennsylvania
Entering Ohio
465 mi
12.Take the exit onto I-90 W toward Toledo
Partial toll road
27.7 mi
13.Take the exit onto I-80 W/I-90 W
Partial toll road
Entering Indiana
278 mi
14.Take exit 21 for I-94/IN-51/I-80
0.9 mi
15.Merge onto I-80 W/I-94 W
Continue to follow I-80 W
Partial toll road
Entering Illinois
168 mi
16.Take the exit onto I-80 W toward Davenport
Entering Iowa
193 mi
17.Take the exit onto I-80 W toward Omaha/Council Bluffs
Entering Nebraska
475 mi
18.Take the exit onto I-80 W toward Sidney/Cheyenne
Passing through Wyoming, Utah, Nevada
Entering California
1,232 mi
19.Take the exit onto I-80 W
73.7 mi
20.Continue straight onto I-580 E (signs for Hayward/I-580/Stockton/Downtown Oakland/San Jose/I-880/Alameda)
0.3 mi
21.Take the W Grand Ave/I-880 exit toward Alameda/San Jose
0.3 mi
22.Keep left at the fork to continue toward I-880 S and merge onto I-880 S
9.2 mi
23.Take exit 36 for Hegenberger Rd
0.4 mi
24.Turn left at Hegenberger Rd
0.4 mi
25.Turn left at S Coliseum Way
Destination will be on the right
0.6 mi
Oracle Arena & Oakland Alameda County Coliseum
7000 Coliseum Way
Oakland, CA 94621-1917