Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mass Hysteria's Super Spectacular Baseball Preview - NL Central

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Baseball season is almost upon us. As the weather (hopefully) gets warmer, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing all of MLB's divisions to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life over the next seven months. The format is eerily similar to what HZMLS did with our NFL Previews, so I guess imitation is the highest form of flattery. This is Part 2 of 6: The NL Central.

In case you missed it, Part 1.

Chicago Cubs

Why The Cubs Will Win The NL Central


Come on, they're the Cubs! What would the playoffs be without some games at Wrigley, the Steve Bartman and Harry Caray Halloween costumes, and the tears and suicides to follow? The Cubs once again have a stacked team - offense, pitching, bullpen - the works. The NL Central is significantly weaker with the loss of a fat, fat man, and the Cubs look ready to capture their third consecutive division title. Zambrano, Soriano, Lee, and Dempster are all back, and Dick Harden (hehehehehe) should provide some help if he can stay healthy.


Why The Cubs Won't Win The NL Central



Come on, they're the Cubs! Maybe instead of failing in the playoffs they can just get the fail out of the way early and blow the division. It's so easy to picture, isn't it? Harden gets his Matt Clement on, Jeff Samardzija elopes to Vermont with Brady Quinn, Milton Bradley brutally murders half the bullpen... the possibilities are endless really. So every time you think they'll win a game or a division or a playoff round, remember - they're the Cubs. They'll find a way to lose.


Cincinnati Reds

Why The Reds Will Win The NL Central



This may sound a bit odd, but the Reds actually don't look half bad this year. They're rolling with young guns Jay Bruce and Joey Votto on offense and they have Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto in their rotation. Are they the favorites to win this division? Doubtful, but I could see the Reds surprising a few people this year. If Homer Bailey all of a sudden comes around, it could get even more interesting.


Why The Reds Won't Win The NL Central


The clear Achilles heel of the 2009 Reds is their bullpen. What, names like Mike Lincoln, Jared Burton, Josh Roenicke, Danny Herrera, and Nick Masset don't scare you? I know no one's bullpen in this division looks particularly intimidating, but these are the Reds, folks. Let's just all give them some minor props for having a few good young players and move on.


Houston Astros

Why The Astros Will Win The NL Central


Two words: Lance Berkman. Dude raked last year to the tune of 29 homers, 114 runs and 18 steals in 159 games. If he can play over 150 games yet again, the Astros offense will greatly appreciate it. While I think Carlos Lee may have topped out last year, he can show some pop, and young guns Michael Bourn and Hunter Pence should contribute as well. Add in Roy Oswalt as your ace and hey, you never know.


Why The Astros Won't Win The NL Central



"Houston Astros Division Chances" is an anagram for "Hands Novices Atrocious Shit, Son." I mean really, Miguel Tejada? Pudge Rodriguez? Mike fucking Hampton? I mean, they've already had one player have OPEN HEART SURGERY, and the season hasn't started yet. I anticipate similar heart problems for their most loyal fans.

Milwaukee Brewers

Why The Brewers Will Win The NL Central


May I present reason #1 and reason #2. Fielder and Braun are a nasty combo in the heart of this Brewers lineup. They combined for over 70 homers last year, they're both young and have plenty of good years ahead of them, and they both played over 150 games apiece last season. Throw in Weeks, Hart, Hardy, and Bill Hall and the supporting cast to this two-headed monster isn't half bad either.


Why The Brewers Won't Win The NL Central



Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 Brewers Opening Day starter. The loss of C.C. Sabathia and Ben Sheets really kills this starting pitching staff. Now they're going to war with Suppan, Doug Davis, Yovani Gallardo, and Braden Looper. They did pick up a pretty solid closer in Trevor Hoffman, but he is aging and turns out he's going to start the season on the DL. They also have Jason Kendall, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about the bottom of their order. Also, a history lesson, if I may. The Brewers utility infielder is Craig Counsell, the whitest player to ever play the game.


Pittsburgh Pirates

Why The Pirates Will Win The NL Central


Umm...jeez, wow. Er..Nate McLouth is pretty good I guess. Uhh..Adam LaRoche has some pop in his bat. Ryan Doumit's not terrible. Brandon Moss is...something. Jeez, this team doesn't have a lot going for them. They're going to need all of the above to emerge on offense, and certainly find a few diamonds in the rough on their pitching staff, because right now...yikes.


Why The Pirates Won't Win The NL Central



Pitching, pitching, and more pitching. I know W-L means jack shit, but guess how many guys in the Opening Day Pirates rotation had a winning record last year? How about ZERO. Not even their ace. Their bullpen outside of Grabow isn't much of anything either. None of this should shock you though - just expect a typical Pirates season.


St. Louis Cardinals

Why The Cardinals Will Win The NL Central


Hey, anyone hear of this Pujols guy? He's kind of like the best player in baseball and shit. Seriously, watching this guy swing a bat makes me swoon like a school girl. I'm not willing to publicly disclose the things I would be willing to do to get him on the Red Sox. And to think, just this past weekend, resident WEEI genius Michael Felger said if given the opportunity, he wouldn't trade Clay Buchholz for Pujols straight up. Felgy better hope I never meet him.


Why The Cardinals Won't Win The NL Central



Once again, like many, many teams in this division (and in baseball itself), it all comes down to pitching. And the Cardinals don't have enough of it. Wainwright is serviceable, but after him, they're fucked. They'll need a BIG bounce-back year from Carpenter, and they need guys like Lohse, Wellemeyer, and...jeez... Joel Pinero? Yeah, it's not looking good.


Smarty Barrett's pick to win the NL Central: Yeah, I know they tend to blow it from time to time...or like, ALL the time, but I'll still take the Cubbies here. The only other team that might have a prayer is the Cards, but I just don't see it. Maybe a Wild Card spot for the Red Birds, but the baby bears snag another division crown.

HZMLS's pick to win the NL Central: Well since the rest of the division is a joke, I am going to go with the Pirates. Zach Duke will win the Cy Young and go 26-4 with a 2.10 ERA.

In all seriousness, the Cubbies.


What say you, readers?

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Good morning folks, it's your old friend HZMLS here to take you back to the good ole days of Mass Hysteria. You know the times when we actually posted. The times when we could make jokes about sexually transmitted diseases, funbags and take pot shots at Derek Jeter's sexuality. This morning's breakfast should help you imagine the fun times we have had here in the past (wipes away tears), booze. Yes, let's talk about drinking. After Lord Damien shifted the format of Facebook and added all sorts of Gizmos and Gadgets that were meant to confound and confuse their readers his lordship added the "Top 5" application. Basically the Top 5 allows you to pick your top 5 of anything you can think of; Worst Movie of All Time, Books, Assassinated Presidents, and Beer. This was a tough one, because at the age of 27 I have drank enough beer to shrivel my liver to resemble that of Frank Sinatras.

My Top Five Beers

1. Pumpkinhead- This is the beer of all beers, I literally get giddy when this is available on tap because it is so fucking delicious. Just imagine a pumpkin pie in beer format, and icy cold, and you have pumpkinhead. The only negative to the PH is that it's only available from like August to October, and even then it's hard to find. But my god Pumpkinhead, you complete me.

2. Sam Adams Winter Lager- More of a mans beer than Pumpkinhead (which I'm sure will invite the wrath of Raquel), Sam Adams is just what you need to make it through a tough winter snow storm, or frigid weather. Its bold, its tough, and its dark, kind of like the Jerrod Mayo's of beers.

3. Seadog Bluepaw- The first time I went out for drinks with the Hysterics, after the Will Leitch book signing we went to Boston Beer Works and I got a Blueberry Beer. Needless to say ShitShow, GHABBY, Raquel and Pimp were relentless in their mocking of my style of drinking. Raquel at one point asked me if I needed an umbrella in my beer, GHABBY asked me if I wore panties, and ShitShow mocked my direction in life right before he placed 1000 on the next college bball game. I know the name of this beer should place this along the lists of anyone who writes for Outsports. But look I love blueberry beer, and I don't care if it looks like it has rabbit shit floating in it.

4. Miller Lite- For every serious drinker there has to be a cheap fall back beer for those times when a) you want to drink alot and b) you don't have alot of money to spend. For me that is Miller Lite, I know a beer most of you probably can't stand. But me and Miller Lite have a long history, most of them involving the Red Sox. If you've been to the Fens you know that their beer selection in most parts blows. You can occasionally find Sam Adams, or a Guinness but they are either hard to find, or 9 bucks a pop. Miller Lite on the other hand goes great with Fenway Franks, and for me at least, nothing beats sweltering in the Fenway sun, then a cold ML.

5. Blue Moon- Ok another light beer, but this one is particularly good because they mix Orange-with beer. I can already read the comments "HZMLS jesus christ, you like girly beers" but Blue Moon is the shit. Plus if I can throw my other editors under the bus, Smarty can't drink normal beer, and GHABBY can only drink Michelob Ultra because of his diabetus. And Raquel is a whiskey girl.

Note I did not place Yuengling on my list because I dont live in the three states in the entire US that it's available.

So what have you my Hysterics, What are Your Top 5 Beers?

Monday, March 30, 2009

One Rams Fan Still Cant Let Super Bowl XXXVI Go

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Sorry for my complete disappearance over the last week, work has kicked my ass, and my free time has been dedicated to Midget Wrestling, calligraphy, and learning the art of Thai cooking. When I did have a moment of leisure I was doing my usual, lets dick around on the internet and see where it takes me. Usually this takes me to an exotic porn site, that involves three Brazilian women and a Sumo Wrestler, but not last night. For the first time in a while I did not find a video with cucumber penetration, but let's be honest Smarty Barrett found the Rams video. Not satisfied enough with the bullshit "taped walkthrough" charges, this St. Louis douchebag watched the Super Bowl over again, and found every single uncalled penalty against the Patriots. Watching this is great because if you are a fan of physical football, you see what the other end of the spectrum is. Oh no he hit Isaac Bruce, waaaaahhhhhh, you can't do that. Oh my god, Kurt Warner got sacked, that's a late hit! You can't touch Marshall Faulk like that, he is the NFL's leading rusher! Look "PatriotsCheatedVideo" the Rams played football like a bunch of powderpuff cheerleaders dressed in blue and gold uniforms, they were soft, and the Patriots beat the shit out of them.

This video is completely random, and I have no idea what drove me to post it, but here it is. There really isn't much going on in football right now, unless you want to talk mindless Draft Drivel, but Mel Kiper and Todd McShay have that covered. I really wish I had the time this asshole had to make my own video, because I have been piecing together a illicit video of a string of illegal hits by Osi Umeniyore and Michael Strahan.


PS- Sign Jason Taylor.

My Sense of Humor, Like Warm Weather, Is Slowly Returning

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And so, it would appear, is that of Jack Edwards.

Throughout February and most of March, the Bruins have given us little to laugh, smile, or do anything other than slowly pluck out our eyelashes and light them ceremoniously on fire about. The past 7 games, however, have been a refreshing return to form, as our boys have gone 5-1-1 and are slowly beginning to look like a "playoffs team" as opposed to "a bunch of dipshits on roller skates chasing an errant grape around a tiled kitchen floor" once again. This is thanks in large part to the inspired play of deadline acquisition Mark Recchi, who has racked up 7 points (including 2 goals against Toronto on Saturday) in his last 5 games after a slow start for the Bruins. IT IS NOT IN ANY WAY THANKS TO OUR GOALTENDING. GUHHH. Anyway, there have been a number of spectacular performances over the last couple of weeks, including:
  • 3 assists a piece for Matt Hunwick and Dennis Wideman in Saturday's barn-burner
  • 3 assists for David Krejci in last night's win over Philadelphia
  • A clutchtacular win over the irritatingly good Devils
  • 7 points (3G 4A) in the last 5 games from Michael Ryder, who may not ultimately reach the 70 points I promised this season but who is certainly within striking distance of the 30-goal plateau from his earlier days of glory
We're 7 points up on Washington and 8 points up on New Jersey with 7 games to go (Tampa Bay, Ottawa, NY Rangers, Ottawa, Montreal, Buffalo, NY Islanders). Things are looking good... and so, sayeth Jack Edwards, we deserve a chuckle. Please observe, if you will, the fine commentary following a Milan Lucic hit on Randy Jones below. BOO HOO, PHILADELPHIA. It seems the so-called Broad Street Bullies can't handle a little physical play.

Mass Hysteria's Super Spectacular Baseball Preview - NL West

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Baseball season is almost upon us. As the weather (hopefully) gets warmer, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing all of MLB's divisions to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life over the next seven months. The format is eerily similar to what HZMLS did with our NFL Previews, so I guess imitation is the highest form of flattery. This is Part 1 of 6: The NL West.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Why The Diamonbacks Will Win The NL West



The D-Backs have a ton of youts on their roster ready to contribute and...what's that? Youts. Oh, I'm sorry. Youtttthhhhs. Anyway, Arizona has some quality youngins at keys spots on this team. Of course we know about 28 year old Dan Haren and 29 year old Brandon Webb, the anchors to the D-Backs rotation. But they also have some young studs on offense. Conor Jackson (26), Mark Reynolds (25) and Josh Whitesell (26) make up a strong combo of young corner infielders, while Alex Romero (25), Chris Young (25), and Justin Upton (21) look like the outfield of the future. Throw in Chris Snyder (28) and Miguel Montero (25) behind the plate and this is a young-ass team. They also have a young pitcher who is ranked #8 in their system by Baseball America and could have a breakout year. His name is... is... oh god. Oh dear god no. This can't be right. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh jesus shit no, they're fucked.


Why The Diamonbacks Won't Win The NL West



Yes: Haren, yes: Webb, no: everyone else. The D-Backs are going to battle with guys like Jon Garland and Doug Davis in their rotation, which doesn't exactly spell "division title" to me. Garland is apparently trying to add two new pitches to his repertoire, and with disastrous results to the tune of six runs in two innings in the game he decided to break out his new cutter and curveball. Meanwhile Davis says he's been bothered by a nerve condition in his throwing arm for the past five years. FIVE YEARS! And as for Arizona's bullpen, well... Chad Qualls is their closer, and they signed 283-year-old Tom Gordon in the offseason. So you might want to throw that in the "weakness" column as well.

Colorado Rockies

Why The Rockies Will Win The NL West


Short of playing an actual game on the moon or being in Raquel's bedroom on a Saturday night, I don't think you'll ever see balls flying all over the place as much as you do at Coors Field. It's been in the top 5 of the most hitter-friendly parks every year since they started tracking park factors in 2001 and it ain't going anywhere. We heard all about the humidor and the "that 475-foot bomb would have been a pop up to short in most parks!" during the 2007 World Series so I'm not going to bore you with it, but you know no matter what crap this team puts on there on offense, someone's hitting 20 homers. The home/road splits for this team on offense continue to be ridiculous year in and year out.


Why The Rockies Won't Win The NL West



You see that guy? That's Matt Holliday. Notice anything different about him? Yeah, he's not wearing a Rockies' uniform anymore. This now leaves them with Garrett Atkins, Brad Hawpe, and Troy Tulowitski as their best offensive threats. Couple that with a shaky rotation, a washed up bullpen, and Huston Street as their closer and they seem to be in a bit of trouble. Good god, how many homers is Street going to give up in that stadium?

Los Angeles Dodgers

Why The Dodgers Will Win The NL West


MANNYWOOD! In all seriousness, an offense that includes Manny Ramirez has the potential to be pretty damn dangerous. Add in Kemp and Ethier and that's a pretty stacked outfield; plus it gets Pierre out of there, so that's some nice addition by subtraction. Add in a stud catcher, some fresh new infielders and a promising young pitching staff and the Dodgers look like a favorite to win this division.


Why The Dodgers Won't Win The NL West



Ah yes, Manny Ramirez, the blessing and the curse. No one knows his antics more than us Red Sox fans, whether his hamstring acts up again right in the middle of a crucial stretch of games or he defecates in the ivy at Wrigley during the 7th inning stretch. You never know what kind of bullshit he's going to pull, and not even Joe Torre can prevent it. If he burns you down the stretch, Dodger fans, don't come looking to us for sympathy.

San Diego Padres

Why The Padres Will Win The NL West


After being the subject of 4,861 trade rumors this off-season, Jake Peavy is back and ready to be a bad-ass pitcher once again. I know PetCo Park is like crazy huge and shit, but this guy can still deal. Add in Chris Young at the top of this rotation and the Pads continue to pack a solid 1-2 punch. Couple that with Adrian Gonzalez in the heart of their lineup and they have some decent offensive punch as well.


Why The Padres Won't Win The NL West



This is not a photo from the Middleboro Padres 8-10 year old Little League team. This is, in fact, David Eckstein, 34-year-old Major League second baseman and SPF 130 aficionado. The Padres acquired him for his grittiness, guttiness, and X-Factor-ness this offseason, and they're going to love his bunts, infield hits, and soft throws to first. Throwing this singles hitter in your lineup automatically makes you worse, and even though he's a WORLD SERIES MVP!!!111!!!oneoneone, he's also a short, pasty glass of suck.

San Francisco Giants

Why The Giants Will Win The NL West



Here's a fun analogy:

THE ABOVE PICTURE : J FROM 3:10 TO JOBA :: TEAGAN PRESLEY PORN : 10TH GRADE BOY

Seriously. He probably just shot his wad all over his keyboard. And I'd make fun, except I can't say I'm any different myself. Tim Lincecum is straight up FILTHY. Like might-be-the-best-fucking-picther-in-baseball filthy. And what's so appealing about him to guys like me is he looks like a skinny little dork. And I'M a skinny little dork! Watching him work is an experience, too. He has a crazy long stride, he's all legs, and it ends up as just a tornado-like blur of cleats and limbs and awesomeness. He won the Cy last year and smart money says he's gonna win it again.


Why The Giants Won't Win The NL West



Remember this guy? He used to be good at baseball! What the hell happened? Seriously, he went from Cy Young caliber ace to 5th starter, send-his-ass-to-the-bullpen garbage. I keep thinking he can turn it around (as evidenced by the fact that I draft him EVERY year in fantasy), but it's time to start accepting that he won't. Hell, the Giants brought in 78-year-old Randy Johnson because they didn't trust Zito. The Big Useless even took Barry's 4th slot in the rotation, relegating him to the 5th spot and a vote of no-confidence from the Giants front office. Oh well, at least they're not paying him a fuckload of money or anything...


Smarty Barrett's pick to win the NL West: The trendy pick here is to take the Dodgers, and normally I'm one to buckle to whichever way the wind is blowing, but I'm going to buck all trends and say the Diamondbacks are going to take this. I like their pitching and I love their young offense. I'm thinking break-out season for the Justin Upton.

HZMLS's pick to win the NL West: Though they have less offense than a girls' softball team, I am going to go out on a limb and say the SF Giants. The combination of Cain, Lincecum, and Big Useless should be enough to take this shitty division.


GHABBY's pick to win the NL West: I'm going to take the Dodgers, if only because of the Manny Factor. For fuck's sake, the dude hit .396 with a .489 OBP in half a season in LA, so even if he produces at 3/4ths of that level for a full season, he'll give LA enough to win what is otherwise a shitty division. Eric Devendorf hits harder than all of the other teams in this division, and LA has enough pitching (Chad Billingsley makes me feel tingly in my man-parts) to win.


APNDR's pick to win the NL West:

Sometimes I just don't get you guys.

All these teams have good pitching staffs. However, only one team can actually score runs. Let's look at the projected total runs scored by team for 2009, shall we?

Dodgers: 766
D-Backs: 101
Padres: 14
Giants: 13

Yeah, I'll go with the team with actual hitters, thank you very much.


W.P. Foxtrotty's pick to win the NL West:

What care have I for these wretched out-post clubs of bases-ball! May God spare their women from the perfidity of the Spaniards and the savagery of the Indians! Although I do wish no ill-will, and indeed actively wish for the safety of, the jeunes fils / homo-sexual paramour of Mr. David J. Drew of the Fens-way, Master Stephen Drew, who plies his trade in the Phoenix settlement. Now leave me be!


What say you, readers?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Breakfast with the Hysterics- Fun with Youtube

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So today instead of the usual Breakfast I wanted to post a few videos that made me chuckle over the past couple of days. You see I live on the internet, and some of this crap isn't sports related, but this is my blog and damn it I want an outlet. True there were some notable sporting events last night, the WBC ended, the Celtics beat up the Clippers, but every once in a while we here at MH go off on divergent paths and this will be one of those mornings. So hopefully you have speakers at work, and I promise there is no 2 girls 1 cup in the group. Enjoy.

The first video is sort of a geeky thing that I found very amusing. Some dude played RBI baseball to reenact Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. RBI Baseball is easily the best sports game ever created.



A couple of weeks ago Smarty Barrett posted a Family Guy video with Robert Loggia, I have never seen the Minute Maid commercial this refers to until last night. It is so fucking random and hilarious



Ok the following video quality blows and some dude talks in it but some fat chick freaking out over the ice cream truck.



Though I never owned Mario Paint as a kid, this is freaking awesome. And you don't have to go through 15 minutes of torturous Pam and Jim crap to hear it!



Well that is enough random shit to last me for the day.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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What a weekend in sports here in New England, well more on a national basis than anything. Finally the literal orgy of college basketball is on hiatus for a couple of days, giving us all time again to do things we should be doing like exercising, work, and not gambling. Boston College went out and laid a giant egg on Friday night in more than one sport. As you all know, I overestimated the ability of the Eagles, as Tyrese Rice who has been off and on all year, decided to take the entire tournament off. Fucker. To be honest though, there were alot of great games this weekend, probably the best being Duke and Texas. Coach K took the game, but my god how many chances did his team give Texas to come back?

In WBC news (I know I don't care either), the US was bounced out of the tournament last night by the Japanese. Roy Oswalt looked like shit, and Dice K did what Dice K does best. Which is throw 65 pitches in 3 innings, much to the shock of Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips. I watched about two innings of the game before I decided that my incoherent dreams where I hang out with FDR and Mo Vaughn would be more interesting than actually watching this game. Japan plays Korea tonight, but no one in America will know because more people will be watching Office reruns on TBS than the WBC.

The Bruins clinched the Northeast Division Title yesterday when they beat the Devils and Martin Brodeur 4-1. This might have been the biggest win for the Bruins all year, because not only did they beat Brodeur who was 8-2 since he returned, but they took down a Devils team that was gunning for the #1 seed in the East. The Bruins dominated the game from start to finish, which must make most B fans feel better especially after blowing the game against the Kings earlier in the week.

Finally the Celtics got Kevin Garnett back, and somehow beat the Spurs. No more wondering how the hell the Celtics are going to compete in the playoffs. Rondo is back, KG is back. Two words, fuck and yes.

Question for the Hysterics: Lots of sports this weekend. What was your favorite moment?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Your Sweet 16 Is Set

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Louisville, Arizona, Kansas, Michigan State, Connecticut, Purdue, Missouri, Memphis, Pittsburgh, Xavier, Villanova, Duke, North Carolina, Gonzaga, Syracuse, and Oklahoma. How many you got?


Yeah, me too. Looks like Balla Miguel is in first in our little bracket challenge with yours truly holding down second and HZMLS locked up in third. But that isn't really a surprise, right? Myself and HZMLS are pretty knowledgeable college basketball-folk. So is GHABB,Y~! Hey, where's he?

*checks brackets*

Oh... Oh God... Ahem, well. Looks like he's in 14th place out of 17 and in the twelfth percentile. By comparison, Miguel and I are in the 90th percentile and above. Raquel is beating you, GHABB,Y~! RAQUEL IS BEATING YOU!!! Two of your final four are gone! One of them didn't even win a game! You correctly predicted exactly 8 of the Sweet 16. You have 0 correct match-ups. I got 14 of them. I thought we agreed on everything?


Enough taunting. Time to move on to what I do just as well - shameless promoting. I stumbled upon a blog called Fack Youk a while back and despite their name and their shameless love for the Yankees, they have some good shit there. I decided to jump in on their recurring feature called "Guitar Solo Sunday" and I put something together for them. Check out me rocking out in this week's edition. It kicks ass and stuff.

Friday, March 20, 2009

My Expectations Were A Tad Off

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Wow, ok so that completely sucked. Well, at least we made it to the tournament. And worst of all, my fucking H button is sticking so it is making this post a bitchhhhh to post. I'm glad that Gus Johnson got his wish, and USC won, I mean jesus every fucking shot Taj Gibson hit was like a celestial orgasm that only Gus Johnson could experience. Tyrese Rice contributing absolutely nothing didn't seem to help much either, way to go out with a bang pal. Enjoy playing in Turjekestan next year. Hysterics taunt me all you want, I can take it. Alrighty its time to cope with this loss the only way I know how.....

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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My god the combination of yesterday and today is probably one of the best days in sports during the year. The tournament has started, yesterday had some great games, but no real upsets (unless you consider Western Kentucky beating Illinois, but come on Ill. scored 33 points in a game this year). Today there are some great matchups, with probably the most intriguing of course being BC-USC. I realize now that I am in a big minority in not only picking BC to beat USC, but also to go on next round and beat Michigan State. But I've ranted on that long enough, and I'm sure you readers are sick of hearing about it. If they do however win tonight, be prepared for an alcohol induced tirade that is sure to make as much sense as the plotline of Lost.

I feel obligated to mention that the Bruins played last night, and dropped what should have been an easy win against a bad Kings team 3-2 in OT. Pretty painful loss, because they had a 2-0 lead going into the third period but goals by Michal Handzus, Drew Doughty and the killer by Dustin Brown (who will not be the backup catcher for the Red Sox) iced the Bruins. As you know my hockey knowledge is very limited, but jesus everytime I look at the B's results it seems they have blown yet another game. See Cornelius, and every other hockey fan here that bitches when I forget about mentioning the Bruins? I just wrote a whole fucking paragraph about them.


Day one of the Tournament Challenge is complete and our diabetic overlord is in charge with a ten point lead:
1. GHABBY
2 tied - HZMLS, J. Sweeney, D. Smith. E. Dolan, Stanley Cup of Chowder


And in last place, in the 2nd percentile: Cornelius Hardenbergh.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

20 Wrestling Facts/Rumors I Believe True

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In what I hope to be a regular series, today I shall reveal 20 wrestling facts and/or rumors I have heard from a reliable source. Obviously please regard these as nothing more than Rumors so I don't get my ass sued. I figured I should put my useless wrestling scandal knowledge to use, so this will hopefully be a regular series until I run out of shit. Also, I'm still slightly drunk: 1) Stone Cold Steve Austin got arrested for domestic violence after punching Debra McMichael in the face when they were married.

2) Austin's famous "Austin 3:16" line came only after HHH was punished by the WWF for fraternizing with the departing Scott Hall and Kevin Nash in the middle of the ring at Madison Square Garden (they all hugged after their matches), leading to HHH being dropped as the 1996 King of the Ring and Austin given the spot, where he gave the famous "Austin 3:16 says I just kicked your ass" line about Jake Roberts.

3) Jake Roberts recently whipped out his penis at an indy show while high as a kite. He has apparently done this more than once. He also refused to reunite with his daughter while filming "Beyond the Mat," choosing to do crack instead.

4) Macho Man Randy Savage is not welcome back in the WWE because he had sexual relations with a then-14-year-old Stephanie McMahon, causing him to be fired on the spot and never inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

5) Vince McMahon testified to doing steroids as recently as last year. He was also tried in 1992 for conspiracy to distribute steroids (a trial in which Hulk Hogan admitted to taking 'roids) but won the case after the prosecution could not prove that he dealt steroids on Long Island, where the case was tried.

6) Test, who died last week, dated Stacy Keibler, Stephanie McMahon and Kelly Kelly. No truth to the rumor that his penis will be cryogenically frozen.

7) Rick Rude's heart exploded after taking a combination of GHB and cocaine.

8) Steve Lombardi, aka the Brooklyn Brawler, is the longtime lover of WWE employee Pat Patterson.

9) The Iron Sheik was offered $100,000 by AWA promoter Verne Gagne to "shoot" (i.e. fight for real and not lose) on Hulk Hogan the night he lost the WWF belt to Hogan. He refused and Hogan began a nearly decade-long run as WWF champion.

10) Bill Watts was fired as WCW booker (head scriptwriter) after saying that he supported restaurant owners that refused to serve black people. Then-Turner employee Hank Aaron caught wind of the comment, and had Watts fired.

11) Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik were busted for cocaine possession in New Jersey after being pulled over by cops. They were "feuding" in storyline at the time, breaking down the walls of kayfabe (the unwritten storyline code of wrestling) for the first time for some wrestling fans.

12) New Jack was once a bounty hunter, and has four justifiable homicides on his record.

13) Bradshaw, aka JBL, used to soap guys up in the shower and threaten to rape them as an "introduction" to the WWE. This action apparently happened to Brian Christopher (Jerry Lawler's son) among others.

14) The Ultimate Warrior, who legally changed his last name to "Warrior," once stated that "queering doesn't make the world work" at a speech at UConn.

15) Ric Flair used to spend $60,000 per year on limousines alone, and each of his robes are worth $20,000 apiece.

16) Sid Vicious/Psycho Sid/Sid Justice once got into a legit fight with Brian Pillman, and got his ass kicked. Sid returned and attacked Pillman with a squeegee.

17) Sid also got into a fight with Arn Anderson, and attacked him with a pair of scissors. Anderson had more than 20 stab wounds on his body, and Sid was fired the next day.

18) Billy Jack Haynes worked as a drug mule after getting fired by the WWF in the 1980s.

19) Rob Van Dam is an avid pot smoker and has appeared on the cover of High Times.

20) Hawk from the Road Warriors/Legion of Doom used to take monkey steroids and was an inducted member of the Hells Angels prior to his death.

Drunk Post: Holy Balls Memphis Almost Losted

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Hay im purdy drunk and shit and its only ofur thurdy. AMURRRICA. Vacation days are awesome. I went to hooters and the waitressuss had severe dadd issues and there were two interviewing and they too looked like they haded theyr dads. Hootrs is awesome cause they dont question how much you had to drink, they just keep feeding you big IPAs cause they dont have "self esteeem" to tell them otherwise. In a related storry i have no idea how I got home, but I didd. Memphs almost lost and I almost pissed all over myseff, but they endd up winng and yay cause I had them winng the whoe thing. I AM FROM THE ISLE OF MAN, I AM UNDEFEADDD. Anywayss Hooterssss is awesm and you should go cause wings are greattt and they serve you drinks and stuff casue uf they hate theyr dads and theyd probably cry when theyd blow you cause it wud remind them of blowing daddy. Whatever, you can call me dqaddy all you want baby. AWEWSOME. Wings rule, beer rules, im gonna tanke a nap.

Let's Do This Thing

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In-Depth Analysis Through IM Conversations: The Final Four and Championship Game

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Because we're fucking lazy and spend most of our days talking about inane shit to each other on GChat, Mass Hysteria is choosing to provide in-depth NCAA Tournament analysis through the medium of stream-of-consciousness instant messaging. Today we wrap things up with our Final Four picks:

GHABB,Y: ok lets talk final four

Smarty: so by my calculation, you have louisville, memphis, pitt, and az state?

GHABB,Y:
yeah, in the awesomely named "Morehead? More Analingus!" entry on the Mass Hysteria bracket contest
we were the only two people to have funny entry names, i was disappointed in everyone elses creativity, or lack thereof

Smarty:
mine isn't even that funny, let's be honest
i just don't like billy packer all that much
many can relate
GHABB,Y: so whats your final four? im too lazy to look it up, i havent even put on pants today and dont plan to until i leave for hooters

Smarty: same as yours except i have gonzaga instead of az state
so i say let's talk about the game we both have:
louisville/memphis

GHABB,Y: Battle of the Annoying Wops

Smarty: two guys who used to coach in the area onto bigger and better things
GHABB,Y: I know Cal actually made UMass relevant for a while, but we know now that he did so by paying everyone six figures. except for Lou Roe, Lou Roe did not accept money, only human flesh

Smarty: and pitino made providence relevant
i have his celtics years mentally blocked out

GHABB,Y: twitches please don't mention Pitino's celtics years, my therapist just helped me get past those

Smarty: agree.
if i choose not to remember it, it never happened

GHABB,Y: like the Holocaust
jk, the Holocaust happened, it's where I learned about Anne Frank's cat

Smarty: one more word on our bracket challenge
one E. Dolan
whose entry is aptly named Ispentoolongworkingonthis
called me last night to inform me that he spent ten hours(!!!) working on his picks.
TEN HOURS!

GHABB,Y: haha, i can just see him looking up the stats for the 11th man on East Tennessee State, going "well, in the four shots he's taken this year, he made two left-handed layups, so if the first thre e forwards get hurt and he goes left..."

Smarty: the sad thing is your kidding, but he DID look that up


ok, so memphis against the ville, who ya got?

GHABB,Y: i LOVE memphis in this game

Smarty: as do i

GHABB,Y: tyreke evans is a stud, dozier has a little Lou Roe in him, and antonio anderson somehow survived Lynn Tech hs, which makes him tough

Smarty: they're defense will shut down williams, clark will get dwarfed by dozier, and i think they can blow them out, for serious

GHABB,Y: i dont get the earl clark hype

Smarty: me neither, he's a poor man's vin baker
minus, you know, the raging alcoholism

GHABB,Y: on the other side, do we both have pitt beating gonzaga/ASU?

Smarty: why do I have the feeling we have the same finals and the same champion? we should have thought this through before posting. booo-rriiinnng.

GHABB,Y: it's because you're totally gay for me

Smarty: i was going to say the same about you

GHABB,Y: i call pitcher

Smarty: wait until URI plays florida in the NIT...THEN we have have a real post!

GHABB,Y: thats when you leave me for HZMLS
but the finals, memphis-pitt, who you got?
ive got memphis winning the whole thing
calipari finally gets his championship, at least until it gets written off the books for all his kids being paid off like Blue Chips

Smarty: marcus camby approves
and yes, i have memphis winning it all as well

GHABB,Y: Marcus Camby was the Neon Badeaux of UMass, I bet he didn't even want the free Toyota Celica, they just gave it to him.

Smarty: sigh, we're so gay for each other it's making me uncomfortable

GHABB,Y:
oh god, you have memphis too?

Smarty: yup.

GHABB,Y: CHANGE IT HOMO

Smarty: we have 3 of the same final four, the same finals and the same winner
aggghhh
do you mind posting this? I'm busy at work.

GHABB,Y: no problem man, what the fuck else am I going to do this morning?

Smarty: How's your vacation day so far?


GHABB,Y: i already jerked off twice, i took a giant shit, im considering going to the gym but it probably wont happen, ive listened to two wrestling podcasts, i havent put on pants yet, and in two hours, I'll go to Hooters and try to give myself a heart attack by eating a shitload of wings. Merry Basketball Christmas.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Oh sweet happy day, the tournament is about to begin today. Finally, no more talks about every #1 seed making the Final Four, and Dick Vitale foolishly picking Duke to reach the Final Four. Today the games start, of course most of us are going to be stuck at work, but remember CBS sportsline is streaming all the games this year, so if you are sneaky enough, you can get away with it. But for most of us who are watching because of a bracket we have filled out, this is the day when you tear it all up. For many of us, our "sleeper" picks usually fall flat on their face, some team you've never heard of tears up the tournament, and leaves your bracket, and probably your money in the shitter. Last year it was Davidson and Western Kentucky that royally fucked most of us over (not me, I nailed both, but I seemed to miss just about everything else), this year who the hell is it goign to be? Robert Morris? Florida St?

If you haven't already heard on Slowbreaker our fantastic editor/pervert GHABBY is in NYC watching the tournament. The lucky mf got Thursday and Friday off of work, so he is basically living the American dream: watching college basketball for two days straight while directly assaulting his liver. So as you sit and watch streaming games at your desk, or that terrible "Gamecast" on ESPN, silently pray that someone slips GHABBY a Rufee and he ends up tied up in the basement of a guy named Larry in Brooklyn.

Finally the Celtics beat the Heat, and guess what? NO ONE GOT HURT!!!! WOOOOOOO. True the Heat were playing without D-Wade, and they were not wearing Green to confuse the Celtics, but hey a win is a win. Especially with the Magic winning their game. On the "Oh Shit" side of things, we learned that Leon Powe is going to be out for at least two weeks. One step forward, two steps back.

Hey, join our bracket challenge:

JOIN OUR GODDAMN TOURNAMENT CHALLENGE NOWWWWWWWWWW

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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So around 9:30 I got home from class and turned on the Celtics game, which led to the following thoughts. Holy shit, when did the Celtics get so many white players? At this point I was utterly confused.

HZMLS: Smarty, who the fuck are all these guy playing for the Celtics?
SB: Let me see......I have no idea....Who is that guy?.....#18?

HZMLS and SB stare at TV for solid three minutes

SB & HZMLS: Ohhhhhhh the Celtics are in white....The guys in green are the Bulls!

So for your own notes, the Celtics were wearing home whites on the road, and Chicago was wearing Celtics away colors at home. Got that? The ass-backwards uniform colors had to be the reason the Celtics lost to the Bulls. Mikki Moore doesn't seem like a Rhoade Rhodes Scholar, and Stephen Marbury can't even read, so this colorful mind fuck must have caused numerous turnovers and bad plays. Also an injury to Leon Power has nothing to do with them losing.

Oh yeah, the US won a walk-off during the World Baseball Classic, but that game was on ESPN Deportes so I couldn't watch it. Not like I really wanted to, but the WBC has to get higher ratings than first round NIT games right? Come on now, I would much rather watch Youkilis play, than Luke Harangody vs UAB, or the fucking play-in game on ESPN.

Finally, I wanted to ask if any of our readers would want to play in a fantasy baseball league with a buy in of 25 bucks. We will draft online on Saturday at 5. Email me (hazelmaeslandingstrip@gmail.com) if you are interested, and I can let you know the money breakdown for winners, and more information.


[APNDR note: the aforementioned league is not the official Mass Hysteria Fantastical League of Bases-Ball, details of which will be sent to you soon if you have previously expressed an interest. This is an additional opportunity for you to feed HZMLS's gangrene-like gambling habit have fun with fantasy BB.]