Saturday, February 28, 2009

Hey Matt Cassel, Want to Play with Mike Vrabel Again? Good

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After all the talk about Brady finally feeling healthy, you knew this day was going to come sooner or later. Matt Cassel was traded to the Chiefs today. With Free Agency starting, the sooner the Pats got rid of him, the quicker they could jump in on signing a Julius Peppers or find someone who can play in the secondary not named Deltha O'Neal. Am I the only person who sees the irony in Cassel being traded to the team that gave him the opportunity to play when they maimed Brady? With his new contract the least he could is buy Bernard Pollard a steak dinner.

How many more ex-Patriot players are going to join Pioli in KC? First Vrabel, then Cassel. It's pretty neat that Bill Belichick has now set up a "Patriots Central" in the KC Chiefs, and a "Patriots West" in the Denver Broncos. Belichick's diabolic scheme to take over the entire league is progessing as plan. Ex-cell-ent. But are either of these teams interested in taking Laurence Maroney off our hands? And how long will it be before Bill Polian riles up the rest of the league screaming charges of collusion against Belichick and Pioli? It does seem a little bizarre that two teams have made so many interrelated trades and moves over the span of two days.

But whatever, Cassel my boy, you were the shit this year. We had a very up and down relationship while you were here, and I apologize for royally ripping you at the beginning of the season. You proved me wrong, time and time again. Thanks for giving Pats fan a season we shall never forget, well unless you want to count that fucking game against the Steelers. Best of luck over in KC, and here is to hoping the label "Systems QB" thats been whispered around the league are untrue.

Kevin O'Connell, the terrified hopes of New England turn to you.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Patriots Trade Linebacker, and it's....Mike Vrabel? Huh?

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According to the Globe, Mike Vrabel has been traded to the Chiefs (great googily moogily) for an as-yet-to-be-determined price. Now, I get that Vrabel is going to turn 34 prior to the season, that his sack totals dipped from 12.5 in 2007 to 4.0 last year (though he reportedly battled a shoulder injury all year), and that to say "he's lost a step" is an understatement. I understand all that, I really do. And there's a distinct possibility that this could turn into another "Willie McGinest goes to Cleveland and stinks up the joint" deals that makes the Pats look smart in the long run.

However, on the surface, this trade still doesn't make any sense (unless we receive a first or second-rounder in return, which I highly doubt). Vrabel's cap number for 2009 was $4.3 million, certainly not chump change, but a reasonable amount to pay a relatively productive outside linebacker, especially given the OLB free-agent market. Most importantly, outside of Jerod Mayo, Vrabel was the only Patriots LB that you couldn't constitute as "utterly fucking useless," and yes Adailus Thomas, I'm including your broken-down ass in that list. Vrabel has missed only three games in the last eight seasons, his pass rushing keeps defenses honest, he doesn't do steroids and rat out Barry Bonds, and he's not named "Pierre." Also, he can move the left side of his body, which is more than we can say about Tedy Bruschi. Out of the Pats' linebackers, I'd consider Vrabel the second most competent, obviously behind Mayo. And that's not even going into the fact that he scores touchdowns at a rate that makes Frank Gore cream his jeans into a San Francisco Treat.

Adalius: Boy, I sure enjoy not playing and still cashing those checks.
Tedy: Boy, I sure enjoy when I get to drink from a sippy cup and don't spill on myself.


Vrabel's destination also is utterly puzzling. Why make a trade with Kansas City now when it may prevent us from making the Big Trade (Cassel) with them later. If we're dealing for a desirable player/draft pick from KC now, does that mean we're not getting the No. 4 pick for Cassel from them later on? If so, where does that leave Cassel? We had all figured that the Chiefs, with their Pioli connection, would be the logical destination for Matty "Backup My Ass." But has Pioli now taken himself out of the running for Cassel by trading for Vrabel instead?


Despite their 11-5 (inflated) record last year, it's abundantly clear the Patriots need help. They can't run the ball (and the Corpse of Fred Taylor, aka. LaMont Jordan 2.0, aint gonna help that), their offensive line got exposed like Chyna's three-inch clitoris, their secondary is utterly pitiful, and their linebacking corps is weak at best. But trading one of their few competent defensive players? Utterly fucking mystifying. However, in a phrase I've uttered countless times over the last few years, "it's Belichick, he must know what he's doing here." This time, I just hope I'm not wrong.

Throwing Softballs at Stephon Marbury

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For those living under a rock for the past week or so, it seems that Stephon Marbury will sign with the Celtics today, and could even appear in tonight's game against the Pacers. Realistically, this signing will actually have minimal impact on the Celtics, as Marbury will probably take a few weeks to shake the rust off, and then max out as a 10-15 minute per game backup guard, acting as a less-drunk Gabe Pruitt. Seriously people, that's all he's fucking going to do. So to talk for MONTHS on end about the massive impact that "Starbury" will have on the C's is completely and utterly asinine.

But speaking of asinine, I was particularly enraged by a Q&A session with Marbury in today's Globe. Here was the Globe, granted an exclusive interview with the most hyped Celtics newcomer since KG, and a player with a past more checkered than Andy Dick's. Here's the Globe's opportunity to ask the hard-hitting questions to Marbury, to try to find out what has made this man tick over his star-crossed career, and how his "clubhouse cancer" attitude will fit on the Ubuntu C's. A journalistic coup, no? An opportunity to really cut to the core of one of sports' most enigmantic figures, right?

Umm...not so much. Here are acutal questions that the Globe asked Marbury in their "exclusive" Q&A:

"How excited are you about coming to the Celtics?"

"How does it feel to go to a team that is pretty much drama-free?"

"If this chapter ends with a championship, have you thought about how emotional you would be?"

"What will it be like to wear the Celtics uniform?"

and the kicker - "How big is your smile?"



I'm not kidding. They seriously asked HOW BIG IS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SMILE. Retarded sixth-graders reporting on lunch menus for their middle school newspaper have asked harder-hitting questions than "How big is your smile." If I held a microphone up to the giant shit I took this morning, I would learn more than would be discerned from the question "How big is your smile?" Jesus fucking christ Marc Spears, you not only dropped the ball here, you fucking let the ball hit you directly in the chest, causing instant vomiting and cardiac arrest before slipping on your own urine and falling head-first on the ball, shattering your spine.

So, of course dear readers, you say "oh GHABBY, with your fake name and lacking pancreas, what would you have asked Marbury? What makes you so smart?" Here, then, is just a smattering of the questions I would ask the newest Celtic, should I be given the opportunity to do so:

"Every team that you've ever been traded to has become exponentially worse, while every team you leave improves by leaps and bounds the year after you're gone. Do you care to explain this phenomoenon?"

"Your playoff field goal percentage is less than 37%, and you shoot 28% from three in the postseason. Moreover, you've lost all four of the playoff series you've been in. Shouldn't Boston, as a team with serious Championship aspirations, be concerned about this?"

"The number 3 (Dennis Johnson) is retired for the Celtics, yet you sport a #3 tattoo on your head. How stupid will this look when you're forced to wear another number? Won't it affect the sales of your $12 sneakers and 99 cent t-shirts at Steve & Barry's (a store that lasted all of four months at the Poverty Tree Mall by the way)?"



"Also, what the fuck prompted you to get a tattoo on your fucking head? Didn't Tyson teach you anything? This evidence alone would allow you to plead insanity for any crime in the land."

"What, exactly, was the information you reportedly "had" on Isiah Thomas when you threatened to blackmail him after he took you out of the starting lineup? I mean really, what could possibly be worse about Isiah than what we already know?"

"When you fucked that intern in your limo, did you leave splooge marks on the interior or the windows? What sexual positions are possible inside a limousine? Do you often invite white college girls back to your home, and if so, is your wife cool with that?"

"When you defended Michael Vick for his dogfighting ring, was it more a defense of dogfighting as a whole, Vick as a person, or a thinly veiled remark that reveals that you love to bet on animals fighting? If this is so, do you attend cockfights regularly, and if so, can you show me where the nearest cockfighting ring is? I hear that shit is awesome."

"When the motherfucking KNICKS don't allow you to show up to games or practices, isn't that a little like being rejected from community college or being told you're too ugly for suicidegirls.com?"

"Since you're cousins with Sebastian Telfair and all, is it fair to say that "wasted talent" is part of your family's genetic makeup? Like is there a dominant chromosome in the family line that causes you to athletically peak at the age of 16 and spend the rest of your days squandering your talents and setting back the African-American movement worse than Flavor Flav? Is this condition covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act?"

"Seriously, a head tattoo? Really? Like on purpose?"

And finally...


"Did you know that, if you dare happen to fuck up this Celtics team like you've fucked up every other team you've been on, Kevin Garnett will literally cut out your organs with a rusty paring knife? I mean seriously, there's a strong possibility that, should you act in ANY way like you have over the last 13 years, you will die in a brutal, bloody, horrific manner? Does this frighten you in any way?"

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Most Sane, Rational Post Ever

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OK, I admit it - when you're a URI fan there's really not much to get excited about. You hope that someone like a Lamar Odom or a Cuttino Mobley emerges every decade or so so you can have something to brag about. Making the NCAA Tournament is far from a given, and often I'm just holding out hope that they can land an NIT bid and make a bit of a run in that. But last night...last night is why I'm a college basketball fan.

Thanks to the magic of TV on the internet, I was able to watch the entire URI/Dayton game last night, a huge game for both teams to be sure. The winner solidified their NCAA Tourney resume, and the loser drifted further and further back on the bubble. Rhody jumped out to an 8-point halftime lead, but Dayton's defense plus some sloppy Ram play allowed the Flyers to tie it and send the game to OT. With about 15 seconds left in the extra frame and URI up three, Dayton buries a three to tie things up. Fuck. But then...then, well....this happened:



And believe me, I went nuts, jumping off my couch with both fists in the air screaming YES! YES! YES! My phone started blowing up. Then it was the top play on SportsCenter this morning. My phone blew up some more. I'm still reeling from this one. And this is why we love sports. Games like this. Seriously, the 3rd-best URI game I have ever seen behind this one and this one.

But don't take my word for it:

"This is the greatest moment I’ve ever had at URI. It’s not even close. You only dream of these things," said Jimmy Baron. "I’ll remember this for the rest of my life."

The Sky is Falling! The Sky is Falling!

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Clippers 93, Celtics 91. Now, this would have been an expected result in the days of Allan Ray and Gerald Green's Corpse, but for this year's Celtics, the defending champion 46-13 Celtics, to lose to the Clippers is like losing a knitting contest to Jim Abbott. Shameful, sad, pathetic, troublesome - insert whatever "really fucking bad" adjective you want, because last night's loss sucked. Throw in KG's strained knee, Pierce's twice-dislocated thumb, Gabe Pruitt's game of drunken dodge-em on the 405 and Stephon Marbury's Stephon Marbury-ness, and the average Celtics fan may be downing Xanax like M&Ms this morning.

HOWEVAH, to quote a certain Cheez Doodle loving "journalist), I'm here to tell you that things aren't nearly as bleak for the Green as one would initially think. Yes, last night's bed-shitting was disturbing, but things aren't nearly as bleak as they may have seemed last night in Simmons-land. Because I'm just that sort of guy, I'm here to present you, the Celtics fan, with five reasons not to take a bath with the toaster this evening:


1) The Road Trip is Over - The C's have struggled on the post-All Star Break Western road trip for as long as I can remember, so to come away from this trip with a 2-2 record, including wins over Phoenix and Denver, ain't too shabby, especially given that KG was gone for 2 1/2 of those games. The C's now play nine of their next 10 games against Eastern Conference teams, against whom they're 30-4 this season. Furthermore, most of those games are at home, where the Celtics have won 86% of their games. So the schedule gets much, much easier.

2) KG's will be back soon - KG's initial prognosis was 2-3 weeks, and there hasn't been any news to the contrary over the last few days. 2 weeks would have him ready for the March 8 game against Orlando, and 3 weeks would have him return the next week at Milwaukee. Meanwhile, KG probably won't be too missed in imminently winnable games against Indiana, Detroit, New Jersey, Miami and Memphis over that span. And when KG returns, he'll be back at full strength and fresh for the playoff push, which can only be a good thing.

Pierce finished this game, and then banged your sister. And you thanked him for it.

3) Pierce probably isn't sitting out - We've now watched Paul Pierce play for 10 years. He's played through sprains, strains, bruises, aches, and even stab wounds to the face. He's already stated that last night's dislocated thumb won't stop him, and I don't expect to see Pierce miss any time with this or any other injury. The dude is fucking invincible.

4) Rajon Rondo's testicles - The one good thing that's come from KG's injury has been Rondo's full ascent to Alpha Dog status on this team. He put up 32 points against Phoenix, neared a triple-double in a blowout over Denver, and had 17 and 7 against the Clips last night. He's shooting 59% over those last three games, making teams pay dearly for not guarding him. Rondo's sudden elephantisis of the testicles has been the one significant addition to this year's team over last year's, and it seems he's only getting ballsier.

5) Mikki Moore and Stephon Marbury. Seriously - Look, I would have obviously liked to pick up a bigger name, but given the C's salary cap situation, castoff vets were really all we could hope for. And given that, we could have done a whole lot worse than Moore and Marbury. Moore is a legit seven-footer who has years of experience in the league and can at least provide height and a defensive presence low, something the 6-7 Leon Powe and Big Baby couldn't exactly provide. He's also ten years younger than P.J. Brown was last year, and while he's not the rebounder that Powe was, he'll be able to fill the lanes better and contribute more on the offensive end. Marbury, on the other hand...well...I really don't know. Best case is that he'll be on his best behavior in Boston, and provide an improvement over the useless Gabe Pruitt and Tony Allen. Worst case? Well, I really don't want to think about that. I mean for fuck's sake, the guy has a fucking tattoo on his head. Sweet fucking Christ.

Enormous Nose Tackle Still Much Faster Than Rich Eisen

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BC Eagle Prospect and guaranteed first rounder BJ Raji is no lie like 350 pounds, yet he absolutely decimated NFL Network host Rich Eisen in a 40 yard dash. Using the magic of technology they put the two together and had them run, and Eisen got SMOKED. I can only imagine that right outside of the cameras vision is a Double Whopper with Cheese pulled on a string. Just kidding, please Mr. Raji don't eat me, I have so much life in front of me, and it was just an innocent joke. I mean jesus I just watched the video below, and I imagine that if you got your paws on me, you could launch my like a giant javelin, or even worse beat me like a rented mule. Christ I should have never made a joke about you, I've gotta get out of here. Find myself a new ID. From now on call me Ali Baba Hussein, and I am from the great country of the United Arab Emirates.


Breakfast with the Hysterics

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God no, GOD NO GOD NO. First of all, the Celtics blew an easy one against B-Diddy and the fucking LA Clippers. Secondly we lost Paul Pierce to a dislocated thumb, which means if he missed any time we are going to be screwed harder in the ass than a veteran porn star. Injuries had already stretched the Celtics thin, as they had to start Fat and Useless, because of a neck injury to the Red Headed Irishman. First KG and then this, don't worry A Pimp Named Dave R, Raquel and Smarty are monitoring GHABBY for the foreseeable future. We are just a little worried that Starbury's signing might push him over the edge. Safety measures have been instituted as all sharp objects have been removed from the GHABBY residence.

Baseball started yesterday, well sort of. Josh Beckett started against the BC Eagles and thoroughly dominated their ACC asses, mowing down 6 in a row. As I said yesterday, big fucking deal. Then in the nightcap, Tim Wakefield looked pretty weak against the Minnesota Twins, and the Sox lost that one. Again, big fucking deal. We are now down 1-0 in the Mayors Cup. Wooopedity Fucking Shit. I forgot to add the World Baseball Classic to my list yesterday of sporting events that are fucking boring.

And URI won yesterday on a last second shot by Marquise Jones in OT. Or as I recall hearing SmartyBarett from my room "YESSSSSSS YESSSSSSS YEESSSSSSSSS". Couple that with a Xavier loss, and Rhody is in first place, and probably in the drivers seat for a NCAA birth. I could go on but I don't want to ruin what promises to be a logical, coherent Rhody post that might show up later from SB.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

HZMLS Rants About Boring Things in Sports

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I fucking hate going to school, like with a passion. If my work wasn't paying for me to go, I would never step foot in a classroom again. Listening to people who are like six years younger than me, who have never done my job, tell me how to do it, is a joke. Seriously. Plus class is usually fucking boring, if I wanted to learn about something I would pick up a book, scholarly journal or documentary. I don't care what a 21 year old broad has to say about some stupid shit that happened in their life. After working all day, I think class would fall somewhere around getting a colonoscopy and listening to a Yoko Ono album in my "Things I want to do with my free time". Lets look at other sporting events that are as boring as sitting in class, and some ways to spice it up:


1. The Boston Marathon
. My god, watching a bunch of underweight Africans beat the piss out of a slew of white, slower Americans is boring. Sorry but it is, the winner clocks in about 2 1/2 hours but some take like 8-10 hours. Included in this crew is a load of retards that dress up, one like Santa Claus, a Giant Baby, two assholes who got married, I mean the list goes on and on. The only way that the Boston Marathon could get more interesting is if they somehow could convince Vince Wilfork, that morbidly obese women who lives at IHOP, and John Popper to run as far as they can without dying. Just keep a camera on them and watch the Crisco leak out of the pores.


2. The NFL Draft
. Two seconds of intrigued mixed in with 20 minutes of commercials, Mel Kiper Jr., that insufferable dickhole Tom Jackson, and lots of families that just found a multi million dollar cash cow. Here is some friendly advice, TIVO the entire draft, and just watch it on fast forward, it will make the entire ordeal like 50000x more appealing


3. Any and All Star Game or Festivity.
Football sucks, baseball is overdone, basketball is terrible, I don't know if Hockey even has an All Star game, but it would be better off if they didn't. Watching a group of super awesome athletes play at 10%, with the media hype machine cranked to overdrive, is obnoxious. Sorry friends the Home Run Derby is boring as well, it goes on FOREVER, all with the joy of listening to the screams and yells of Chris Berman. Here is a suggestion, make the entire game a huge drinking game. You score a bucket, you drink, base hit, drink, strikeout, drink, sack, drink. I think the time from when they were buzzed, to right before they threw up would be primo.


4. Spring Training
. At one time, Spring Training had an appeal. Would Pedro show up on time, what shape would Mo Vaughn show up in, oooh look at the Red Sox's newest acquisition Mike Lansing! Now, lets be honest the last couple of years has lost that zazz. What the hell do we have to be excited about now? Who the fuck cares if the Red Sox beat the piss out of BC, it is completely pointless. And the end result of a Spring Training is completely arbitrary.
"Hey Smarty, did the Sox win?"
"Nah, the Twins killed them"
"Why did Dice-K pitch poorly?"
"Nope they hammered Charlie Zink"

TOTALLY POINTLESS
. The Mayors Cup must be used by David Ortiz to guzzle his mango juice before a long road trip. There is no way Spring Training can be interesting, it is way too long, and included far too many players who we will never hear from ever again. We are looking at you David Pauley.


So there you have it, some useless crap about sports that I find boring, without any pictures because my work laptop can't cut and paste pictures! I know, there was absolutely no reason for me to write this post, but you know what this is my blog! My release! Now sit back and take it.

The Senior Poster, With Work Piled Up To His Scalp, Attempts A Comeback

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Totally swamped. No time to do proper posts. So I turn to my last option: Haiku. Here, then, my thoughts on current events.

Gimp At The Corner

Mike Lowell: Boo Hoo!
The mean Jewish guy hurt you!
Now go and hit dongs.


Homecomings

Tully Banta-Cain!
The haiku just writes itself.
Tully... Banta.... Cain!


The Ghost of Phil Esposito

Young Bruins storm league.
I still don't like Chirelli...
But results speak plain.


WBC Nightmares: Mothra

My shame is tenfold!
A curveball I must manage!
Ay! My elbow died!


My Name Is Izzo

Why yes, your honor
I did stick that stuff The Clear
Right up my behind


This is what one does
When one must survive a life
Buried in the Pitt!


He Was Called Rocco

I am a great god!
Revel in my outfield worth!
Oops, my blood cells hurt.


Franchisational Improvisational

Did he take the tag?
Cassel to Chiefs for some picks?
SHIT OR GET OFF POT!!!!!


Starbury

Give me the damn rock!
Are you deaf, motherfucker?
GIVE ME THE DAMN ROCK!!!!!


Ode to Leigh Teixeira

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
Bitch bitch bitch whore bitch bitch whore
Die and go to Hell.


-fin-

The Bucs Are Done With Country Music

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Breaking news out of Florida: The Tampa Bay Bucs have released Brooks & Dunn.

I initially thought it was weird - are they really referring to the country duo? But the main page confirms it:



Turns out the three others are Garth Brooks, Brad Paisley, and Tim McGraw.

Sorry, We're Swamped!

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Don't worry hysterics we are still alive, but our 9-5's have been kicking all of our asses lately. So consider this an open thread until one of us has the time to post again. Just think though, the Celtics have added both Mikki Moore AND Stephon Starbury. WOOT!



Editor Jump Off: Shaun, I didn't talk about it here, but you can read my thoughts about it on Slowbreaker.

Monday, February 23, 2009

C.C. Sabathia's Personal Ad

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Jolly SBM, 28, seeks Rubenesque SBF for possible LTR. Often told I look like Notorious B.I.G. or Shamu. Recent Midwest transplant missing home, but job keeps me NYC for next seven years. Money no object. Knowledge of NYC restaurants a major plus, as is ability to cook soul food. My interests: eating, mid-meal snacks, burgers, brats, fastballs, donuts and anything fried. You preferably are a BBW, have lots of free time (I only work every fifth day), drug free (especially steroids), know which restaurants in the city deliver, and don’t mind helping me tie my shoes or find my penis. Reinforced furniture a plus.

The Derek Sanderson Photo Shoot: Be Jealous. Be F--king Jealous.

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I was going to post about this a couple of weeks back when I first dug it up, but I didn't, because, well, fuck you. It's Monday, though, and we're all in a funk about the Bruins' recent woes. So let's hop in our time machines and take a quick trip down memory lane courtesy of the superfantastic newly-archived and fully searchable LIFE photo archive, the newest way in which Google is conspiring to keep you from getting anything done at work, ever.

I discovered this online treasure trove of beautiful, historical photography (dating back to the 1860s! They had motherfucking slaves back then!) the first day it was released and fell instantly in love. As someone with rampant ADHD, I like nothing better than pretty, pretty pictures. It shouldn't surprise you at all what my first search was:

boston bruins

I'll admit I was a tad disappointed that only a handful of images came up... but lordy me, were they ever worth it. Ladies and gentlemen: you remember Derek Sanderson, right?


Since I know we've got several readers who aren't as slavishly devoted to the Bruins as I am, here's a primer. Sanderson was a pivotal force on the last great incarnation of the Bruins in the late 60s and early 70's; it was he who sent the puck to Bobby Orr for the goal that clinched the 1970 Stanley Cup against St. Louis and gave us the greatest hockey picture of all time, ever. Sanderson won the Calder trophy going away in 1968, becoming the second consecutive Bruin to do so (the year prior, of course, the trophy had gone to His Bobbiness. Sigh). He was a brilliant defensive player as well as an offensive threat, and had a totally sweet mustache.

The Sanderson memorialized in the LIFE photos, though, is his off-the-ice persona -- and I'm not talking Fred Cusick's lovable sidekick on NESN. No, this is the Derek Sanderson who famously quipped to a reporter that his preferred pre-game refreshments were "a steak and a blonde"; who wore mink coats just because he could; who started an ill-fated Manhattan nightclub with the equally flamboyant Joe Namath. Behold! (Click the pictures for glorious full-size goodness.)


Somehow, I feel like we're not going to see a photo shoot of Grady Sizemore lounging on a couch while lustfully caressing a barely-legal hottie in an issue of ESPN Magazine anytime soon.


Or Chris Paul in bed (look at that BED! The red velvet curved headboard! The leopard-print sheets! The faux fur blankets! It's like the Cruella deVille honeymoon suite... and yes, that's a pack of cigarettes and an ashtray next to them) with a woman, bathrobe hiked almost all the way up to his junk, in next month's Sports Illustrated. (Please note the thoughtful expression on Sanderson's face. "Yes, baby, that's very interesting. Now shut the fuck up and give me a blowjob.")


I think this one is my favorite. Look at those giant phallic swords about Sanderson and his anonymous, bare-thighed consort. This picture SCREAMS "penetration."

As it turned out, it also screams "impending career meltdown in the face of persistent injury, reckless lifestyle, and long-term substance abuse." But hey. You write your history book, I'll write mine, buddy.

Breakfast with the Hysterics

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Good morning folks, welcome back after what was hopefully a refreshing weekend. Wasn't for me, seems like I get more exhausted after a weekend, but I think that has more to do with my substance issues more than anything. Yesterday was a busy day for Boston sports, with the KG-less Celtics beating the snot out of Amare Stoudamire-less Suns. It seems like every team in the NBA is missing some vital cog right now, the Magic are without Jameer Nelson, the Spurs are without Manu, the Rockets TMac, and the list goes on and on. The Bruins, well the Bruins had a VERY shitty weekend dropping two straight to the Panthers, and the lowly Lightning. Yesterday's loss was especially demoralizing because, 1) the B's fought back to tie it, 2) Tampa sucks 3) they lost it with a little over a minute left in the game. With this latest swan dive, it will be interesting to see what moves the B's make around the trade deadline. Hockey fans, what do you see coming?

I'm sure most of you know that last night was the Oscars, or "Slumdog Millionaire Bukkakefest '09" as it was temporarily changed to last night. I am definitely not one to watch Award Shows, I find them to be long drawn out "pat on the back Hollywood is awesome night" and last night was no exception. Instead of watching 8000 shots of Angelina Jolie, or that Australian douchebag Hugh Jackman host the show, I watched a marathon of my favorite History Channel TV show "Gangland". If you ever want to scare the complacency out of you, watch this show, and realize that if you weren't where you are now, you could be living in a community overridden with the Mexican Mafia, Latin Kings, or the Gotti Boyz. It was far more interesting than listening to Sean Penn drone on and on and on about his latest political agenda, saving the AIDS infested parrots of Ethiopia.

But then again there was Marissa Tomei. My sweet jesus christ, this woman is a 10. Perfect, and she is 44 which is alot older than me, but my god the things I would do to her. She was pretty hot in My Cousin Vinny, but that was like trashy Bronx hot, now she is gorgeous. Please even if you hate wrestling, and can't stand Mickey Rourke, go and see The Wrestler for her. She struts around naked almost the entire movie, and beside the fact that she is tatted up and looks like she works in the Combat Zone in Boston, she will give you ummm plenty of material for about a month of self regulated practice. And oh yeah The Academy, lick my ass for not nominating The Wrestler for Best Picture. Benjamin Button? Blow me.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Next Up for Dustin Pedroia? The Slam Dunk Competition

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So it seems the Red Sox have a tradition during Spring Training, where they take the two smallest whitest players on the team and have Big Papi paddle the shit out of them. First one to cry loses and has to sniff Brad Penny's jock after practice. No, that's a big lie, well as far as we know. Instead the Red Sox have some sort of uber-caucasian tradition where they play Ping Pong for a $20 send away trophy that looks like what I got when I came in 8th place in the "Pine Box Derby Race" in Boy Scouts. This year the finalists were team midgets, Pedroia and Jed Lowrie who were the only two who volunteered to play, since the rest of the team followed Julio Lugo's lead and spent the night at Juggs instead. Started as a friendly game, Pedroia took it to the next level by hiring International Ping Pong Master Myuck Loo-Moon in the offseason to teach him advanced moves of the Shaolin Monks, who have practiced ping pong for centuries. Pedroia of course won, and after the match, unbeknown to Lowrie, Pedroia went and impregnated Lowrie's wife just to prove he could.


Sadly last year's winner Mike Lowell, could not compete in this years competition because he can not lift a ping pong paddle above his hip. While the tournament was occuring Lowell sat on the sidelines and cried, sighing that he was real sad the Sox found someone younger to take his place. Jonathan Papelbon was also interested in competing, but he only wanted to play against this "Forrest Gump" he heard so much about, who he felt was both his talent and intellectual equivalent.

Much love to Sawxblog for the hilarious Mike Lowell pic

Breakfast With the Hysterics: A Series of Thoughtful and Articulate Musings on the Bruins' Recent Play

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9:41 AM Raquel: I don't like "losing"
I've gotten a taste for this "winning"
and beating Carolina shouldn't even count
GHABB,Y~!: carolina's not even a state
Raquel: I know right
it's like saying "I'm from Dakota"
GHABB,Y~!: "i'm from mesopotamia"
Raquel: I'm from the Tigris-Euphrates Delta
I'm from the Austro-Hungarian Empire
fucking christ
GHABB,Y~!: Hometown: The New World

Also, the Celtics lost to the Jazz, Kevin Garnett's knee is hurt, Rocco Baldelli is apparently still not healthy enough to even complete the Presidential Fitness Test at spring training, and you should pretty much just kill yourself now. On the plus side, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [deep breath] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [deep breath] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! At least you're not a fucking Canadiens fan.


(a tip of the tuque to the ever-inappropriate Four Habs Fans for possibly my favorite hockey-related photo that doesn't involve Derek Sanderson or Bobby Orr)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Celtics Acquire the King!

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Holy crap guys, I just heard that the C's acquired a guy whose nickname is "the King." Oh man, I totally know that we swung a deal for LeBron James, I just know it. Picture it, LeBron, Pierce, Garnett, Allen, Rondo - that would be the greatest starting five in history. Oh my god I'm leaving work early to go buy my LeBron James Celtics jersey now. Seriously, can you imagine? We'll win like five, six more championships with LeBron. They'll never lose a game again! Can you imagine how James would open the low-post for Garnett? Or allow Pierce to slash to the basket? And holy crap, Ray Allen would have every three-pointer wide open with defenders focusing on James. This is the greatest news I've ever heard. I just spontaneously ejaculated in my pants. Viva LeBron! Viva LeBron!


.....waitasec, we acquired a different "King?" Maybe it was Kevin Martin! Oh man, that dude can fucking SCORE! We could run three-guard lineups with Rondo, Allen and Martin and out-quick teams to death. Imagine Allen and Martin bombing away from three? Shit would be sick! And Martin's locked up long-term too, and at a reasonable price. Kevin Martin = Banner 18, easy!

...hold on, we didn't get Kevin Martin either? Then who the fuck did we get? Who is this "King" everyone's speaking about?


Will who? Huh? Who the fuck is Will Solomon? According to Wikipedia, our major trade deadline acquisition spent the last few years in Greece, Turkey and Israel before averaging a whopping 4.9 ppg this year for a shitty Toronto team. It could be argued that his career highlight was winning the ULEB Cup with Hapoel Jerusalem in 2004. I wish I was making this up. Oh, and he's from Hartford, the most godforsaken place on Earth.

Suffice it to say, this isn't the sort of acquisition I was hoping for as a Celtics fan, and provides us no frontcourt help, no scorer off the bench, no lock-down defender, and nobody that opposition teams will fear in even the slightest. But he is nicknamed "the King," so he's got that going for him.

Breakfast With the Hysterics

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*None of the Boston teams played last night, though the Sox did have their first full-squad workouts in Fort Myers yesterday. Of some concern was the fact that Jon Papelbon admitted that he "was starting to break down" come playoff time last year. When a 27-year old with only 69 1/3 regular season innings is starting to break down, especially one that was notoriously babied and kept on pitch counts in the minors, things are, to say the least, worrisome. It's not like Paps threw an exceptional amount of innings for a high-level closer (all of the top five last year in saves threw between 67 and 70 regular season innings), and last year was only his fourth year of big league service. If Paps can't be at full strength come playoff time at the age of 27, what will happen in coming years?

*Today is NBA trading deadline day, but don't expect the Celtics to be involved, even with the trade of Sam Cassell and the loss (yay!) of Tony Allen. The disadvantage to having three high-priced and awesome stars locked up is that there isn't much in the way of tradeable assets, so it's not really possible for the C's in a salary capped league to add a Vince Carter, Richard Jefferson or Kirk Hinrich, who are just three of the names you may see moved today. One possibility for the C's: now that the Tyson Chandler trade has been cancelled, the Thunder may end up buying out former No. 1 pick Joe Smith, who has stated publicly that he'd like to play in Boston. Smith isn't a world-beater, but he brings more to the table than P.J. Brown did last year, and has a decent offensive game from 12 feet and in, which sadly can't be said for Big Baby Davis. One name that I do not expect to see land in Boston is Stephon Marbury, who seems content to collect his $20.1 million from the Knicks this year while doing absolutely nothing. Recession my ass.

*Rob Bradford, whom I consider to be this city's best sportswriter, revealed some fantastic info about MVP Dustin Pedroia's offseason activities on Bradford's WEEI.com blog. Apparently Pedroia, much like myself, is a huge fan of Ric Flair (like me, he probably bought the Ric Flair Definitive Collection the day it came out), and has taken the approach of "to be the man, you've got to beat the man" to his MVP defense. Holy fucking crap that rules. Pedroia furthered his awesomeness by wearing a Hulkamania t-shirt to his Friday lifting sessions in Arizona this offseason, and would apparently joke with Dodgers OF Andre Ethier about "hangin and bangin down at Venice Beach brother." I cannot put into words how awesome this is. Pedey was already my favorite current Red Sox, but this revelation of genius pushes him past the ambidextrous Greg Harris into the top five of my favorite Sox of all time.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Drugs Are Bad MmmmKay?

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Al Skinner: Thank you for calling me over Officer Barbrady, what seems to be the problem?
Officer Barbrady: Weellllll, one of your former players was having a rough night and we kind of had to take him in...

Al: Who was it this time. Did Jared Dudley get another white girl pregnant?

Barbrady: No, it was Sean Williams

Al: AGAIN???? Jesus Christ, I thought he was banned from stepping foot back on this campus

Barbrady: Technically he was, but he came back anyways. Said you invited him. Why did you invite him back after what he did to your team?

Al: Well, BC doesn't have many celebrities, and he wanted to come back to the Duke game so we figured, he could stay out of trouble for a little while right?

Barbrady: You would think so, but that definitely was not the case.

Al: What did he do?

Barbrady: He was really really really high. At first he became very angry, and then when I asked him to sign his name on the warning slips he wrote "Fuck You" on all of them. We were going to pepper spray him, but he finally calmed down enough for us to arrest him.

Al: (Sighs) Where is he?

Barbrady: He's in a cell, you can take him if you want to....
Sean Williams: Hey, you wanna get high?

Al: No I don't want to get high Sean, you're a freaking mess. First you get kicked out of BC, which you know wasn't my decision, goddamn Catholics and their morals. Second, you have the ability to be an NBA All Star, but now you are wasting away in the D-League....All because you love getting high

Sean: Coach, you got any Funions? Or Cheetos, man I'm starvin'.

Al: NO SEAN! I do not, I can't spend the rest of my life baby sitting you, THAT SHOULD BE LAWRENCE FRANKS JOB!

Sean Williams: Don't worry Coach Skinner I know I did wrong, and I realize now that I have to fix this.

Al: Really Sean, what are you going to do?

Sean: Well....I.....I think maybe I could....DAMN IT I CAN'T DO IT. Well first I'll just get a little high

Al:
Well what are you going to do about this?

Sean: About what?

Al: You're the worst basketball player ever....

Free At Last, Free At Last, Lord Have Mercy We're Free At Last!

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Not sure if you guys caught the news today, but it seems that Celtics guard/MASSIVE FUCKING ALBATROSS Tony Allen will miss the rest of the regular season after undergoing thumb surgery. I am only to assume that Allen injured the thumb while sticking it up his ass while attempting to do something productive on the basketball court, or jamming it on a basketball that was passed to him, creating yet another turnover. Even still, the loss of Allen can only mean good things for the Celtics. My only regret is that Allen only hurt his thumb and wasn't, say, hit by a train going into North Station. Though there's still hope.

Now, the rumor is that TA (short for "Turnover Again") may return in time for the playoffs, but if I was Doc Rivers, I'd attempt in every way possible to keep Allen away from my team come playoff time. Whether that means telling him the wrong time for practices, giving him the wrong plane tickets, or putting up a sign that says "No Tony Allens Allowed" on the locker room door - I really don't care, so long as Allen doesn't see the court come playoff time.

In fact, the only benefit that came from Allen appearing in a Celtics uniform is that the team met the Americans with Disabilities Act by employing a retarded person on their roster. But, while politically correct and all, the playing and employment of Allen led to a bonehead play roughly every 10 seconds, and a guaranteed blown lead every time he got out on the court. You could replace Allen with Michael Rappaport and we'd see an improvement. And Michael Rappaport sucks.

Mike Lowell Is Emo

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So I'm pretty sure you guys have seen the interview Mike Lowell did with Associated Press yesterday. Basically, Lowell is sad about stuff. Mainly, that the Red Sox tried to acquire Mark Teixeira. What you may not know is that a majority of the quotes used in the article came from Lowell's new emo hit single, due out Opening Day. We here at Mass Hysteria were able to catch a sneak peek at the music video. Due to a verbal agreement, we can't post the video itself, but here is a brief description:

The Camera fades in on a darkened locker. A dimly-lit Lowell sits in front of a #25 jersey and a Dashboard Confessional poster hanging in the background.

"I don’t think you can be anything but hurt.
I think it’s only normal to feel let down."

Lowell brushes the bangs out of his eyes and strums his guitar, a Hawthorne Heights sticker shows prominantly near the base of the fretboard.

"That’s where the two-way street has to go.
If they want you, they want you."

Lowell raises his eyes to the camera, welling with tears as his eyeliner smears. He stands up from his stool, his Panic! At The Disco shirt begins to blur as he approaches the camera. Zoom in on his face.

"My emotional attachment to the guys on the team I don’t think ever changed.
I’m kind of tired of being in the therapy room doing all that stuff."

Camera slowly zooms out on Lowell standing at third base on an empty Fenway Park field, wearing only his uniform and one black batting glove. Fade out.

I Hope That $2000 Buys You a Lot of Crack

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Good morning all, wrote this post for Slowbreaker this morning....It's the story of an ex-Patriot, who honestly I had never heard of, who well, has hit bottom. Then again he played for Notre Dame, so any sympathy I have for him just went out the window.
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Things can get pretty bad for some players. For ex-Patriot Brock Williams, life is just about as low as it can get. According to his mother and Rick Harrison owner of Gold and Silver Pawn Shop, Williams recently pawned his 2002 Super Bowl ring for....$2000. Williams, who played only 12 games with the Patriots before screwing his knee up and ending his career, got the money and never came back to get the ring. Now Harrison is the proud new owner of a Super Bowl Rings that is valued at more than $60,000.

"Harrison said the Patriots’ historic 20-17 defeat of the St. Louis Rams is “the most desirable Super Bowl ring there is” because it marked the first time it was made from 14-karat white gold and encrusted with an astounding 143 diamonds."

Harrison originally offered $15000 to buy the ring but Williams refused. The desperate ex NFLer had 120 days to come up with $2000 to buy the ring back but never returned and now the ring is now a tourist item in some skanky pawn shop in the Nevada desert.

The NFL has a notoriously terrible retirement policy but is it so bad that players have to hock their rings that are worth more than I am? And for that matter what was Williams so desperate for $2000 for? Doesn't he realize that he could have gotten 20-30x that on Ebay? Yikes, obviously he never majored in business at Notre Dame.




By the way check out what is going on over at Slowbreaker.com, the site is beginning to really kick ass. Plus you get even more non stop wit from slugs like myself, Smarty Barrett, and GHABBY.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Bostonian's Perspective on the A-Rod Press Conference

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Thank god I didn't have to work today, because it gave me the ability to stay at home and watch the "ARod Press Conference". This story has been systematically beaten to death by the media, and blogosphere, but hell I haven't given my two cents on it so here we go. ARod was in a tough situation here, one he admittedly put himself in, but still he had to walk on glass to get through what he just did. Let's break it down to the what he did right and did wrong:

Right
Well he came out and admitted that his cousin injected him in the ass with some substance named "Bolee" or something like that. Though ARod won't admit who his cousin is (probably to save him from drug trafficking charges). Arod looked really nervous, his papers were all crumpled, so it was clear he was fretting this. He said the two of them had taken the substance for three years, twice a month. A-Rod also admitted that he took "Ripped Fuel" when he was with the Mariners, which is some sort of Ephedrin based crank drank that was banned from GNC. He had no reason to admit this, so props to him for showing some sort of honesty there.

WRONG
Buster Olney is a moron. Olney claimed that ARod answered all the questions (he didn't) and that he was being honest (he didn't seem to be). Arod was very dodgy with some of the questions, never explaining what he saw in the Rangers clubhouse, who his cousin was, ignoring questions about his legitimacy as Home Run King. I don't know he just seemed to avoid anything that was his opinion. Does he consider what he did cheating? And blaming everything on being "young, stupid and ignorant" is getting old, you were smart enough to sign a 250 million dollar contract, and you are the same age as me pal. I knew when I was 12 that drugs are bad, and jesus christ I wouldn't just inject myself with a foreign substance 36 times if I had no idea what it did. And what's this "I wish I went to college" crap? Do you really think that college would have prevented you from cheating? You are a professional athlete, your body is your temple, and you would just inject your money maker with Bolee if you had no idea what it did? And the question about his teammates? That was fucking weird and scripted (or Brian Cashman forgot to give him the last page), I don't know there didn't seem to be the "wave of emotion" that Olney claimed. He looked more confused than anything.

Conclusion
Arod was definitely the most open about his usage than any other player who has proved positive. But still, like every other clown that has been nailed, he was dodgy, and seems to be still lying about major parts of the situation. It seemed pretty clear, that there are still alot of aspects that ARod is not being open about, and after this press conference ARod will run back and hide behind the Union.

THE PATRIOTS ARE CHEATERZ!!!11!!!!

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DOOD! I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD THIS TODAY BUT THEIR IS MORE PROOF THAT THE FUCKIN' CHEATRIOTS ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING CHEATERS!!!!!! GET THIS BRO, I READ ON A BLOG THAT THEIR CAPTAIN LARRY IZZO IS A STEROID USUH! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT? DO YOU THINK BEN ROTHLES....ROTHLES.....WELL YOU KNOW WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT, DO YOU THINK HE WOULD USE STEROIDS?? NO FUCKIN WAY, HE WOULD RATHER SLAM A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS!!!!!!! YEA MOTHA FUCKAH!!!!! BACK TO THE CHEATEHS, FIRST THEY HAVE THAT GODDAMN TUCK RULE (WHICH IS BULLSHIT), THEN CAMERAGATE, THEN RODNEY HARRISON USES THE JUICE, AND NOW THIS?? OKAY JESUS CHRIST CAN WE FUCKIN GET A LOWSY ASSTERKISK ON THEIR SUPER BOWLS???? LOOK I DON' CARE IF IZZO ONLY ACCUMULATEDS LIKE 1.2 TACKLES PER GAME, WE NEED TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF THIS CHEATER AND THAT FUCKIN' FRAWD ORGANIZATION. DO YOU THINK ANY OF THE STILLERS WOULD USE ROIDS? FUCK NO, WE ARE AN ALL COCAINE ORGANIZATION BABY!

LICK THAT PATS FANS

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE MORE THAN THE FUCKIN CHEATRIOTS AND BILL BELICHEAT? THEIR FUCKIN' FANS, SINCE READING BLOGS IS ABOUT THE ONLY THING I AM CAPABLE OF READING, I HAVE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT DICKWADS FROM BOSTON. 1) THEY ALL TALK LIKE ASSHOLES 2) THEY ALL THINK THEY ARE ENTITLED TO WIN 3) THEY HATE BLACK PEOPLE. MAN THESE STEREOTYPES DON'T GET OLD! DO THEY TOMMEE FROM QUINZEE??? THEY ARE NUTHIN COMPARED TO US STILLER FANS, CAN THEY A WAVE A YELLOW TOWEL FOR FOUR QUARTERS STRAIGHT, ONLY PAUSING TO GET OUR 350 POUND WIVES A CHEEZESTAKE? THAT FUCKING GILETTE STADIUM, ITS NOTHING COMPARED TO HEINZ FIELD. MY WIFE CAN GO YEARS WITH OUT A RAZOR, BUT WITHOUT KETCHUP, WELL DATS AN UGLY SIGHT. JUST REMEMBER WE ARE THE FUCKIN' STILLERS, THE BEST TEAM IN DA HISTORY OF DA NFL! AND WE DON'T USE NO 'ROIDS!!!!! FUCK YOU PATRIOTS. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR TEAM NOW PAL?
HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes honey? .....I'm on the computer, making fun of the Patriots! Hold on, we'll get to KFC soon enough, just give me a second! I know you're hungry! SHUT UP!!!

Breakfast With the Hysterics

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*People often say that the day after the MLB All-Star game is the slowest day of the sports calendar, but I'd like to state here and now that they're dead fucking wrong. The slowest day of the sports year is the day after the NBA All-Star Game. "But GHABBY, there's hockey and college basketball," you mouth-breathing humanoids whine. Well whoopity shit, hockey that nobody (sans Raquel) watches and ONE fucking college basketball game that was over before I ate dinner (I eat dinner late). LAME. Meanwhile, the day after the MLB All-Star game takes place in fucking July, so you can at least go outside and enjoy nice weather. Yesterday? Nobody fucking barbecued yesterday. Nobody chose to spend their day playing in the pool instead of watching sports. Nobody went to the motherfucking beach. No, instead we froze our asses off, coughed and sniffled like someone with the Black Plague and wondered why there wasn't any fucking basketball on the tube. Then we watched pornography, went to bed early and cried ourselves to sleep. And by we, I mean HZMLS.

*The Celtics are apparently getting a lot less ugly, as ESPN is reporting that they're trading Gorak Testicledance to the Kings for a second-round pick. This frees up a roster spot for the Celtics to pick up someone who doesn't frighten children and dogs, and may actually appear in more than the zero games Cassell played in this year. Chad Ford noted that "Cassell hasn't played a game for the Celtics this season, but he's been an important veteran voice in the locker room." Yeah, sure buddy. I bet it's Cassell who controls the locker room stereo and decides what card game they're playing on the plane. Not, say, someone who's appeared in an actual minute of play.

*David Ortiz has asked for a one-year suspension for all MLB players that test positive for steroids. Ya know, I'm actually glad that Papi came out and said this, as I was always suspicious of a guy who averaged 10 HR per year before coming to Boston, and 39 HR per year since. But by Ortiz essentially saying "not only did I not do 'roids, but everyone who does them should get kicked out for a year," he's pretty much cleared himself from all suspicion. Well played. Though now we know the secret ingredient in his Mango Salsa isn't HGH, but actually liquified Crisco like we all suspected. David Ortiz - fueled by Little Debbie.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Oh Duke, It Hurts Don't It?

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Hi Duke, this is Boston College the team that hasn't beaten you since 1985. Well until last night. We have had some pretty close games, but still in the past you have been the superior team in every way. Well until last night. Your starting lineup of the Aryan Pure Blood Clan + Gerald Henderson have been lighting up the league, and the talks of a possible championship run were prominent on ESPN. Well until last night.

What happened? You had a 13 point lead going into the final minute of the first half, the announcing crew was droning on and on about how inferior BC was and how dominant DUKIE was playing? You were even getting calls all over the place, including a nauseating flop by Captain Intangibles Greg PPPPPAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUULLLUSSSSS. So everything was going your way, how did you blow it? Oh that's right your a soft team, that got out hustled, and out played for the entire second half of the ball game! And this wasn't all Tyrese Rice (though he did hit some big shots), you got beat by Rakim Sanders, Reggie Jackson, Joe Trapiani, and Tyler Roche. Yes Tyler Roche, the white kid, who before this game had no right to even be on this team, had more points than PAULUS and John Scheyer. Coach K, who has a court named after him, got out coached by Al Skinner, the same guy that gives Boston kids nightmares. Yeah snarl away.

But I have already spent enough time on your waste of a program. Oh screw it I can't resist. Please continue to build teams that are just good enough to be encrusted with Dick Vitale's splooge, get a high seed in the tourney, and then lose to Western Kentucky in the first round. And please continue to fill the NBA with marginal second round talent that never amount to anything. Is Sheldon Williams doing anything other than impregnating Candace Parker? For BC though, a tourney resume that includes "Key Wins: @UNC, Duke" will erase stupid mindnumbing losses to Harvard and St. Louis. Well my bracket will be fucked when I pick BC to beat Oklahoma, UCLA and UConn in the final four.

And to SmartyBarrett, sorry that sort of closes any chance that URI makes it without winning the A-10. But there is always the NIT right?