Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Was Kevin Brown Not Available?



HZMLS: Hey pal, do you remember this? October 20, 2004
BOSTON              IP  H  R ER BB SO HR  ERA
__________________ _________________________

Lowe (W, 1-0) 6.0 1 1 1 1 3 0 3.18
Martinez 1.0 3 2 2 0 1 0 6.23
Timlin 1.2 1 0 0 1 1 0 4.75
Embree 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 0 3.86

__________________ _________________________

Brown (L, 0-1) 1.1 4 5 5 2 1 1 21.60
Vazquez 2.0 2 3 3 5 2 2 9.95 <<<<<----WOWZAHS
Loaiza 3.0 4 0 0 0 2 0 1.42
Heredia 0.2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00
Gordon 1.2 3 2 2 0 0 1 8.10

Rivera 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1.29

Basically you are getting a pitcher who sucked on the big stage, but could pitch well in Atlanta, where no one gives a shit about baseball. Enjoy New York, pal.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Mike Lowell isn't going anywhere


Sometimes I get the feeling that I am in the minority in just about everything that involves the Red Sox. So color me disappointed when I heard that old man Lowell is going to be coming back for another year with the Red Sox. Let me start this post off by saying that I appreciate all that Lowell did for the Red Sox especially in 2007. But since he resigned with the Sox after the World Series, he has been a major disappointment. His .OBP has dropped 40 points, .OPS .50, he only could play 120 games last year, and his defense ohhhhh his defense.

His UZR/150 in 2007 was 8.0 which is phenomenal!
His UZR/150 in 2008 was 15.4 which is even better!
His UZR/150 in 2009 was -14.4 which is ATROCIOUS.

His UZR in 2007 was 7.3 which is great!
His UZR in 2008 was 11.1 which is AWESOME!
His UZR in 2009 was -10.4 which is VOMIT INDUCING!

Basically, Mike Lowell is a great person, and still a very serviceable player, but his skills are disintegrating at a tremendous pace. True these are stats, and they can be completely ignored to make your point (see Ellsbury, Jacoby), but just watch him. He runs like my grandfather, and can't make the plays he used to. So he fails a physical, is going to need surgery, and for the foreseeable future he is our mess. There is always the possibility that they could trade him in 6-8 weeks, but at that point all other options could be gone. Goddamn it. Every day that passes it looks like Casey Kotchman is going to be our starting 1st baseman. Is it possible that Lowell could turn everything around? There is a slim chance that could happen, but more likely we are seeing the end of a great career.

Ron Brace the defense looks to you


Ty Warren. Out.
Vince Wilfork. Out.
Myron Prior. Out.

Now with all of these injuries the Pats should be royally fucked. But they aren't, for you see they have a secret weapon that has been sitting on the bench all year. A defensive player, who is being groomed to replace Vince Wilfork when he leaves to get that huge payday from the St. Louis Rams next year. His name is Ron Brace, and he graduated from Boston College last year, where he and BJ Raji last year combined to eat and destroy most opposing D's.

Brace isn't as large as Raji, but last year he had quite a season. As a BC fan, I literally shat my pants when the Pats drafted him in the second round last year, well ok not literally. But as the season progressed and undrafted Prior played more and more, I was curious, where the hell was Brace? Too dumb to pick up on Belichick's schemes? Not good enough? Well today should be a good barometer of what we can expect from the LARGE rookie. And what better team to play against than the Bills who are led by J.P Losman, Trent Edwards, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Who the fuck knows, their QB situation is awful. Brace has never been a pass rusher, he is bred in a similar style to Wilfork, which is to be a run stopper. Which is perfect timing because the Bills have a particularly good runner in :

Otherwise this game should be a walk in the park for the Pats. As long as Brady is in one piece he is better than anyone on the Bills, and if the O-Line can prevent Aaron Schoebel from killing him this one is in the bag. Randy Moss, contrary to the "Manny treatment" the Boston Media has unleashed on him, has not given up on his team, and probably will scorch the Bills secondary for 100+ yards. On a side note, fuck you Boston media for questioning Moss, he is been our unquestioned leader for years, and you question his heart because of a dropped pass, a misrun route, and a fumble? Blow me.

Pats win this one easy. Patriots 24 Bills 10

Friday, December 18, 2009

Random Fantasy Sports Challenge!!!

Boohooo HZMLS knows more about college football than me and I can't handle it!

We are having one of those fantasy College Bowl Pick Em Challenges over at ESPN. There are no prizes given away by us, because well, Smarty GHABBY and I are friggin poor. Instead you can win the smug satisfaction that you are smarter than three nerdy white boys from Massachusetts. Do you know who is going to win the Meineke Car Care Bowl? Who you got Wyoming or Fresno State?

This is the link to join, can you do any less?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Jacoby Ellsbury > Ricky Henderson; Adrian Gonzalez Kills Puppies


Apparently, right? At least that's what the yahoo Sox fans would lead you to believe, as detailed by HZMLS earlier. And now the media is getting in on it, too. Great.

/affixes FJM cap

Turning around and trading Ellsbury would result in a steal for Padres

A steal! I get it! I get jokes!

Obviously, we are sensing the proverbial next shoe is about to drop. If it is Adrian Gonzalez (with an outside shot at Miguel Cabrera), which would be a ginormous move by the Red Sox to cap what would be an eye-popping offseason, then what is there not to like?

Well if it's Miguel Cabrera I may have a few gripes, depending on whom they trade away, but if it's Gonzalez I'm all in. Seriously, just don't touch Daniel Bard and we're good. Make it happen.

Well, one thing: if one of the players going to San Diego is Jacoby Ellsbury.

No. No no no. Wrong.

If Ellsbury is the hot name from the San Diego side, then Theo Epstein should just say no.

If San Diego wants Ellsbury, I'll drive him out there myself. I'll pay for his plane ticket! Seriously, if he was the centerpiece, how ideal would that be?

Give up Ryan Westmoreland, and include a better prospect or two at the end of the deal.

A better prospect?!?! So the Sox should overpay when they don't have to?

"Hey Jed, it's Theo. Yeah, well, I know you want Jacoby, but we're sending Casey Kelly instead. ...PCP? ...no, why?"

Ellsbury is a special player who hit .301, stole 70 bases, and scored 94 runs last season, and one who plays a very good center field and is just 26 years old.

Let's break that down:

1. Batting Average: .301
As we all know, batting average is a limited stat, but even so Jacoby held his own. .301 was the third-highest average among all MLB center fielders last year. I don't have any real gripes about his hitting for average.

2. Stolen Bases: 70
Not much more I can say. Amazing.

3. Runs Scored: 94
Completely meaningless. If he got on base every single time up and had 8 Yuniesky Betancourts hitting behind him, he'd finish the season with like 3 runs scored. Does that mean he sucks? Listen carefully: RUNS SCORED IS COMPLETELY A FUNCTION OF TEAMMATES. It has little or no bearing on one's individual skills at a player.

4. Center field defense: Very good.
Well this is just WRONG. Nick Cafardo just lied to you. There he is. Sitting at his desk. Typing lies. The sonofabitch. Please go to this and sort by "fielding." Yes, Jacoby Ellsbury was the worst defensive outfielder in the game last year in terms of run prevention. The absolute worst. Or check his UZR here. 3rd worst in the game. Atrocious would be an upgrade. He is KILLING the Sox in terms of his glove. That is a fact.

And while his on-base percentage in 2009 was a pedestrian .355, it was .388 in September and October.

Yes! Small sample size! Look what he did in two months! Amazing! Even though I'm admitting his OBP sucked in general (and PARTICULARLY for a leadoff hitter), I'll throw selective endpoints at you! Did you know his OBP on (the) Justin Upton's 22nd birthday is .600?!?! Look it up! Don't trade this man!

This is a guy you want in the lineup with Gonzalez.

OK, fine. I won't disagree with that, although I'm not a huge Ellbury fan and I think he is LARGELY overrated. But OK. If you can hang onto him, fine. But declaring him untouchable is just fucking foolish.

The Padres would need Ellsbury as a poster boy for their future. In enormous Petco Park, it would be a sign to fans that the philosophy is changing and that the Padres are going with speed and pitching.

And horrible defense.

While Gonzalez is the last piece of what could be a very good lineup, trading Ellsbury eliminates a tremendously important element - speed.

I've re-written this sentence:

"While Gonzalez hits a shit-ton of homers, doubles, gets on base, hits for average, mashes the ball, plays tremendous defense, and is one of the best all-around players in baseball, Ellsbury runs fast when he gets on base! (Which is admittedly not very often.)"

Ellsbury is one of the most exciting players in the game.

Kill yourself.

With Cameron, Ellsbury, and J.D. Drew, the Red Sox have significantly improved their outfield defense.

And if they replace Ellsbury with virtually anyone who can stand upright, they'll improve it even more.

Cameron is a three-time Gold Glove center fielder who could still play there.

And would be a fuck-ton better than Jacoby.

Instead of the decision being whether Cameron will play center and whether Jeremy Hermida or Xavier Nady (also on Boston’s radar) would be in left, the hope is that the final decision is whether Ellsbury should shift to left and Cameron should play center.

God yes.

The only consideration in such a move would be leg preservation.

No. The consideration should be "Holy fuck Mike Cameron is so much better defensively than Jacoby Ellsbury it's not even funny. Even dreaming of anything else should be outlawed in all 50 states."

Epstein is right to say he is not desperate. He should not be desperate enough to trade one of the best athletes in major league baseball.

Desperate? No, absolutely not. But when you have the chance to upgrade your offense AND your defense, you do it. Period. Don't give me this "best athletes" crap. He is an above average hitter, but doesn't walk nearly enough and therefore possesses a low OBP. He's a tremendous speedster but a horrendous defender. He's expendable. Any inflation of his skills is pure unadulterated homerism. If you need to trade him for Gonzalez you do. No fucking questions asked.

Adrian Gonzalez is really really fucking good.

Stop rooting for my team... now


I really should stay off the Boston.com message boards. After reading Nick Carfado's riveting pile of dog shit regarding the possible Ellsbury for Gonzalez trade (Smarty will be covering that later), I perused the reader comments, and found this gem from camper9574:

"Trading Ellsbury would be as smart today as trading Babe Ruth was then!

Don't be stupid!"

Did he just seriously compare Jacoby Ellsbury with arguably the best baseball player of all time? He did right? I'm not high or dead am I? Or at least he said that trading away Ellsbury would be comparable to trading away the best baseball player of all time. This is some sort of joke correct? I misread it right? No he meant it? Wow.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Wow, this is depressing


ESPN really wants to make sure that you realize that your job pays you squat. In fact I found out John Lackey pisses on your 45k a year. 1/3 of a win and Lackey makes what you do in an entire year. If you tried to do this with Pacman Jones instead of wins the results would have come back "1 Make It Rain on 'dem hoes".

Sorry this is really random, but makes you realize how overvalued professional athletes are in this culture.

But does he have dreamy eyes? Part II

Earlier today I posted about the Red Sox blowhards that for some reason have completely overvalued "our steamy, oh my god he's hot centerfielder". I calmed down, sipped on some scotch, and sat down at my computer for a night of my favorite activity; jack shit. So I sit down to Facebook and was reading one of my favorite Boston Bloggers updates, and saw this comment:

"If we trade Ellsbury to get Gonzalez I call first jump off the Zakim!"

Don't worry pal, if we hear news that Adrian is coming to the Red Sox I will meet you at the Zakim bridge and will even help you out with a healthy shove.

Urge to kill rising.Rising.

But does he have dreamy eyes?


So John Lackey and Mike Cameron are the answers the Red Sox are looking towards after bombing in the playoffs in 2009. A new emphasis of defense and pitching will hopefully overshadow a batting lineup that will be without Jason Bay next year (which honestly I am fine with; he is NOT worth the money he is demanding). But do you honestly, really think that Theo is done? What are we going to do with this glut of OFs, and especially Cameron who is a fantastic center fielder (even at 37)? The answer? Theo isn't done. Ohhhhh please, he can talk defense til his face turns red, but as we speak you know he is out there fixing that gaping hole in the middle of the lineup and give the Red Sox that cleanup hitter that will make shit run down a pitcher's leg. Of course I am talking about Adrian Gonzalez.

A source close to NESN says that the Red Sox now have the flexibility to trade both prospects and major league ready talent to the Padres in return for Gonzo. The names thrown about are Max Ramirez (pending Lowell trade), Clay Buchholz and Jacoby Ellsbury. Ellsbury! Oh my goodness the pink hats are going to want Theo's head! God forbid we trade our starting CF with his .300 OBP and terrible defense. I love Boston with all my heart but my god Red Sox fans ADRIAN GONZALEZ IS FUCKING BETTER THAN JACOBY ELLSBURY. Let's look at the fans' reaction on Boston.com and NESN.com (all comments are [sic]):

"Keep Ellsbury trade Drew Ells is a very promising young athelete KEEP HIM"

Yeah trading a player that is far better than Ellsbury makes total sense. God I hate the irrational Drew hating in this town. Ok he looks bored, and doesn't show much emotion, but guess what? HE IS BETTER THAN ELLBSURY IS EVERY ASPECT OF BASEBALL THAT DOESN"T INVOLVING stealing bases!

"please don't trade ellsbury... he's the only player on the team with any speed whatsoever, and our only hope at actually scoring runs off of all the singles and doubles this lineup will be hitting. all the other baserunners will need 2-3 hits just to score, instead of the 1 ellsbury needs."

/slams head on desk
Yeah god forbid the Red Sox clog up the base paths.

"The Angels traded Casey Kotchman and a mediocre pitching prospect for Mark Teixeia. Why can't we trade Casey Kotchman and someone like Dustin Richardson for Gonzo?

In all seriousness, it would be giving up a bit too much if it was Ellsbury and Buchholz for Gonzo, but I think I could live with trading one of those guys. Since there are concerns over re-signing Beckett, why not flip Beckett for prospects to someone like Anaheim or Texas and then make a trade with the Padres for Gonzo (a la the Halladay/Cliff Lee trade)?"


"We could package Hermida, Lowrie and Buchholz for Adrian"

Words can't describe how stupid this is. Why don't we just package up Brian Anderson and Rocco Baldelli as well. Wait Rocco isn't under team control any more? WHO CARES!!! The Padres should do whatever we want! Please remember dolts, that Jed Hoyer is the GM of the Padres. I understand you probably don't know anyone in the front office not named Theo, but Hoyer was the assistant GM of the Red Sox last year, so its safe to say he knows the Red Sox farm system and isn't going to want Casey Kotchman for one of the best players in the league. Oh and while we are it, the Sox should trade our ace away in the process, just so we can keep a shitty light hitting center fielder.

"Trading Ellsbury just creates another hole that needs to be filled. It doesn't make sense"

I believe that "hole" was filled by someone at 1130am today. And oh by the way he is better than Ellsbury in every statistic other than steals, and if you disagree with me look it up. Ellsbury doesn't hit for power, he can't field, he throws like my mom and he doesn't walk enough. Oh and one other thought. Ellsbury is the worst fielding center fielder in the American League. LOOK!!!!!! Plus who the fuck needs steals if you are getting knocked in with home runs every game?

"Trading Ellsbury would be foolish. It doesn't make any sense to trade away a leadoff man who scored 94 runs last year for a middle line up guy who drove in 99 as a way of boosting your offense"

OK 1. Runs is almost a completely arbitrary stat. If you put Coco Crisp in the 1 slot with Youkilis Pedroia and Martinez hitting behind him he will get a 100 runs (pending he stays healthy). 2. Do you realize who hit in AGonz's lineup? Please name ANYBODY that is any good? How the hell is he supposed to get RBI's when he has NO ONE IN HIS LINEUP and he hits in one of the biggest pitchers park in the NL. Seriously who else was in the Padres lineup last year that was any good? Brian Giles?

Keep Lowell!!!! Ellsbury is our present and future. He's a game changer on the basepaths. Why would you get rid of a future gold glover and leader in steals while he is so young still. His bad needs to come around though and seems to like and take his helmet off. You aint that pretty Ellsbury but a good player.

You know sometimes I understand where all those blogs that trash Red Sox fans are coming from. People like you sound fucking retarded and it makes it hard for me to admit being from Boston. Listen to me closely pink hats, Adrian Gonzalez is a superior player to Jacoby Ellsbury. Guys like Adrian Gonzalez only come around once in a blue moon, he is better than Jason Bay AND Matt Holiday. Speed is overrated, you can get a million guys that run really fast, and do basically nothing else. In fact the only difference between Ellsbury and Joey Gathright is about .039 points OBP . If Ellsbury is the key to bring in one of the top power hitters in baseball, Theo better pull that trigger.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Harvard is superior to Boston College in every way (except hockey)


Yes, it happened again. Boston College's basketball team lost to Harvard on Wednesday. Go ahead, laugh, snicker, ask the question I have been torturing myself with for the past three days "HOW THE HELL DID THIS TEAM LOSE TO HARVARD TWO YEARS IN A FUCKING ROW??" Just three days before, BC had beaten Miami who hadn't lost a game, and two days before Michigan who started the season ranked #17 in the country. True, BC was playing without their best player but this loss is as inexcusable as the loss to Northern Illinois (who I didnt know had a team until BC lost to them).

This is one of those losses that ties you up and has sex with your girlfriend while you watch. Harvard? A team of trust fund babies, beat Boston College, who was in the NCAA tourney last year. God damn it. The worst part is their fans in celebration had their butler bring them some tea and crumpets while they laughed at the poor people in Harvard Square.

Now it's on to Rhode Island, the team that Smarty Barrett claims is the best in the nation. Bar none, better than Kansas and Kentucky. Well, maybe not. We both will be at the game tomorrow, and I will be updating all the insanity on twitter. Make sure to check it out!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Seriously? Part Deux


While perusing the Facesbook, I checked out the status message of Fitzy, friend of Mass Hysteria. He was bummed that the Sox traded Mike Lowell, which shockingly many Red Sox seem to be afflicted with. But this one caught my attention:

As strange as it is to say, I hope he doesn't pass the physical and has to come back.

There are no words to describe the idiocy of that comment. Please Red Sox fans, use your brains.


Should the Red Sox be trading Mike Lowell?
How do you feel about the potential departure of Mike Lowell?

This is a bad move, trading away a leader and a champion on a team that could certainly use both. The Sox could have kept Lowell in some capacity.
I hate to say it, but it was time. Thanks for everything, Mike, but this was the right move.
Total votes: 4926

Boston.com's surveys are not scientifically valid. They reflect the opinions of only those who vote. More
via Boston.com

(53.2%, you did see how much he broke down over the past two years right?)

Wow, I should probably call Mike Lowell and see what his thoughts on the trade are...

(phone vibrates)
(phone vibrates)
(phone falls off coffee table onto rug)


Happy trails Mike Lowell.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Hat Tip to the Best


I, like many in Massachusetts have been a Red Sox fan my entire life. My dad and grandfather taught me what it was to be a Sox fan; to love Fenway Park and Dwight Evans, to hate Bucky Bleeping Dent, and revere Peter Gammons. My dad always told me that if I wanted to get the most accurate, cutting edge stories about the Red Sox, I should read Gammon's Sunday column in the Boston Globe. And I did. Every week. Gammons was a fantastic writer, who never seemed to have any agenda in his columns like other Boston Columnists like Ron Borges and Dan Shaugnessy. He knew the players, understood how the team was run, and made all of this accessible to the public. If any rumor was being whispered, if there was a problem in the clubhouse, if there was a big trade in the works, Gammons always knew about it.

Gammo left the Globe when ESPN made him an offer to be a host on Baseball Tonight, working beside neanderthal John Kruk and whomever else ESPN threw in the booth. He wrote weekly columns for ESPN.com, and continued to be an ambassador of the game. When blogs rip Boston media, and Boston fans, they bow in reverence to Gammons, because they understand what Bostonians knew for years; Gammons is the tits. A few years ago when Gammons had a stroke, I took it personally, like it was one of my own relatives, as pathetic as that sounds.

Now Gammons is going on to the MLB network, leaving ESPN after Winter Meetings. This is a great opportunity for Gammons, and another great personality leaves the World Wide Leader. This also gives me absolutely no reason to ever watch Baseball Tonight ever again, which honestly is totally fine with me. Yet lovely media monolith Comcast charges extra for that channel, which I don't want to buy, so for now sweet king as you ride off into the abyss of premium cable land. (with my girl Hazel Mae)

Post Script: Looks like Gammo is working for NESN too...AWESOME

Monday, December 7, 2009

Red Sox Sign Fabio

Nope the other one......the one you've never heard of

Who the hell is that? Fabio Castro does not sound like Jason Bay, Roy Halladay or well anyone who has played in the majors since 2007. Thanks Theo

Sunday, December 6, 2009

They are like BC but the complete opposite


For the 11th consecutive year BC is going to a bowl game, and for the 11th straight year they played just well enough to play in a shitty mid level bowl game before New Years, and for the 11th straight year they are playing some sub par....wait we are playing USC? As in the University of Southern California? As in the team led by Pete Carroll, and Taylor Mays? Holy shit, this is fucking awesome.

After USC and Cal both took mammoth shits on their respective fields last night, Stanford (who should have played BC) was elevated to a higher level bowl, while USC fell faster than Stevie Wonder on an uneven stairwell. Now does BC have a chance at winning this game? Sure! Why not. BC is going to be amped up to play a team that at the beginning of the season was projected to make the Rose Bowl. And in the same sense USC probably will mail this one in, because who the hell cares about the Emerald Bowl. But then again, BC barely beat Maryland and Virginia this year, two really crappy teams, could they still beat a team like USC, even if they aren't that good? Eh.

Plus Dave Shinskie has like six years over Matt Barkley, and has actually finished puberty. God I hate his smug face.

Now I'm off to go punch my cat as I watch the Pats game on DVR.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sports Orgy Saturday: Biggest Football Game Ever Liveblog


So here's the deal: This may be the most important game of my lifelong Florida Gator fandom. Granted, they've won three national championships and been in ten SEC championship games, but today...today is where the Gators could cement their legacy.

Think about it. If Tebow puts in a good performance today, he probably wins the Heisman. That would be his second Heisman, making him the second person (Archie Griffin) to win two Heismans. Two Heismans and (at least) two National Championships would make it very hard to argue against Tebow as the greatest college football player of all time.

But it's not just about Tebow. If the Gators win today, they're in their third national championship in four years. I've seen Texas, and while they're not bad, Florida's defense is just too good to lose to the Longhorns. So if Florida wins today, they have a better chance than not of winning three undisputed national championships in four years. Nobody has ever done that, though Nebraska came close (won in '94 and '95, split the NC in '97). Not Notre Dame. Not Alabama. Not USC. Nobody. Nobody will have been this dominant over a four-year stretch.

If Florida loses? None of that happens. And Alabama, the 5th-dumbest state in the nation, wins. A Florida win is a victory for legacy. A victory for history. A victory for education. A victory for...well..me.

4:05: Glad they showed Tebow pregame so I could know to wear my #15 road jersey rather than my #1 home jersey. And no, I'm not joking, I actually rotate my two Gator jerseys as to whether they're home or away. Whatever, fuck you guys.

GOOSEBUMPS after showing the history of Florida/Bama games. Glad they roused Spurrier from his busy schedule of golfing and not coaching South Carolina. Just kidding Childhood Father Figure, you know that I love you.

4:15: Bame comes out in the spread. Weird, though I think McElroy ran that system in high school. If Dunlap was still there and didn't turn his blood to 40% alcohol on the MONDAY BEFORE THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP that probably wouldn't happen. Fuck that angers me so much. Really Carlos? Really? You just cost yourself about 30 million dollars by hopping behind the wheel.

Also, I'm in favor of the new white UF helmets, pretty fucking slick looking. Cmon GHABB,Y, focus on the pretty helmets, and not my seething anger at our star DE with flammable blood.

4:20: Bama strikes early with a 48-yard field goal. Bad guys 3, Florida 0. Not the greatest start.

4:36: FUCK FUCK FUCK. After we had an embarrassing three-and-out, Bama just gashed the Dunlap-less defense again to score. McElroy has had ALL DAY to sit in the pocket. It's disgusting. Bama 9, Florida 0. Must. Not. Kill. (edit, at least they missed the extra point. We saw how that haunted Pitt earlier today...)

4:53: A decent Gator drive stalled out at the 30, but resulted in a Sturgis FG. Bama 9, Gators 3. I'll take being down six after that disastrous quarter though. Also, when Sturgis makes his first long-distance FG, it's usually a sign of good things to come the rest of the game, so at least it seems he won't be slumping today.

5:02: Now that's the Gator defense I was hoping for. Brandon Hicks just knocked his helmet off tackling Ingram on 3rd down. Still, on the ensuing punt, Brandon James just got tackled...by the fucking kicker. One manly play followed by one that reeked of vagina stank.

5:17: I was wrong about the three-out of four national champions thing - apparently Notre Dame and Minnesota (really?) have done it. Though nobody has done it since the '40s. And if Florida keeps playing like this, they won't do it either. This is fucking miserable.

5:24: Field goal Bama. At least they stopped them in the red zone. It's these minor victories that are stopping me from going outside and viciously punching children in the street. Alabama 12, Florida 3.

5:29: A
nd Tebow starts Fucking. Shit. Up. 22-yard run followed by a first-down run that drew a 15 yard penalty. And then TOUCHDOWN David Nelson. YES YES YES YES YES. This was Tebow's drive. Tebow took a team that had been in the shitter for nearly a full half and in a few plays singlehandedly carried them to within two points. He can win this game by himself. You shall have no other gods than Tebow. Bama 12, Tebow 10.

5:35: Aaaaaaah and I spoke too soon. Ingram just caught a screen for 69 yards. Goddamnit. Simply put - if Florida wins this game, Tebow wins the Heisman. If Bama wins, Ingram will probably take it home. If there's a tie, then Pale Horse Toby Gerhart whites his way to the Heisman. Bama scores one play after the run and it's 19-10 Bama. Cocknuckle.

5:44: 59-yard pass to Cooper. Sadly, Gators stall out after that pass (including an excrutiating double-dropped pass) and have to settle for a field goal. But if this game is gonna turn into a shootout,we just have more talent on the offensive side of the ball than Alabama does. I'm cautiously optimistic, especially with how Tebow's playing. Bama 19, Gators 13.

6:25: I figured Florida would start the half taking back momentum but notsomuch. Ugh. Three-and-out on offense, and then giving up chunks of yardage to Bama on their opening drive. Oh, and that stupid fucking roughing the passer penaltly didn't work. Touchdown Bama. FUCK MY LIFE. Alabama 26, Florida 13.

6:43: It isn't even that Alabama is crushing our defense, it's how. Ingram has more than 140 rushing/receiving yards and McElroy is averaging more than 14 yards per completion. Nobody on our defense is playing well. They're beating us up the gut AND through the air. We've already given up more than 380 yards, and we average 220 yards TOTAL given up per game. It's one thing when you lose, it's another thing when you just get beat. We're getting beat.

7:00: Touchdown Bama. 17-play drive that served as the last fucking death rattle of my hopes and will to live. Bama 32, Florida 13. Horrifying. Saddening. I want to fucking cry.

7:10: Gators drive down the field, but throw an interception in the end zone. If that ain't a metaphor for the season, I don't know what is. I think I'm going to end this live blog now so I can go drink and cry.

Sports Orgy Saturday: Marathon Liveblog


Today is the type of day that makes you grateful to be a sports fan. In chronological order, the following sporting events are happening today on television:

Cincinnati/Pitt football for a BCS berth
North Carolina/Kentucky basketball
Boise State/New Mexico football for a possible BCS berth for Boise
Texas/Nebraska for a National Championship berth for UT
Georgia Tech/Clemson for a BCS berth
UFC Ultimate Fighter finals with Kimbo Slice's first UFC live fight

So, um, yeah. Not leaving the couch for about 12 hours.

12:45: John Wall has scored all six of Kentucky's points so far, all in reeecoculous fashion. Every time he's touched the ball something exciting has happened. His athleticism and speed is off the fucking charts. You can see Carolina guys already shitting their pants every time Wall handles the ball at the top of the key, like Alec Baldwin's daughter after she sees a voicemail from her dad on her cellphone.

1:05: That. Fucker. Is. Fast. Wall is making Rondo look like Scalabrine. Also, his name is catchy, like a rapper or a porn star. I hope he refers to himself by his full name in the third person. "John Wall would like a hamburger." "John Wall disagrees with you." "Who wants to sex John Wall?" (answer: everyone)

1:10: Meanwhile Pitt has scored on all three possessions. It's like Cincy coach Brian Kelly is preoccupied or something...

1:15: UNC took a 9-2 lead to start the game. Then Kentucky went on a 28-2 rape rampage of death, pretty much entirely spurred by John Wall going apeshit. I have a new point guard mancrush.

1:30: Pitt just went up 31-10 on Cincy and it's not even halftime. The main reason they're kicking ass, other than Brian Kelly's green-colored daydreams: They can run the ball, and Cincy can't. With it pouring buckets at Heinz, this is essential. Dion Lewis (Pitt's uber-talented freshman RB) is really fucking good, and even the mere threat of him running the ball not only makes the running game better, but gets Cincy to back off the pass. Pitt is 7-8 passing, and Lewis has 26 carries. These two facts are related. Cincy meanwhile is not much of a threat to run, which forces them into bad passes. Pike is 7-19 with a pick.

2:03: Lunch break done, accompanied by Friend of Mass Hysteria Liz. I'm gonna miss Giovanni's food when I move to Chattanooga at the end of the month. In the meantime, Carolina has come back like whoa, led by their frontcourt. This is what happens when you have two primarily freshman-sophomore teams with insanely talented but inexperienced players - they both get streaky as a motherfucker.

2:27: UNC/UK is now a three-point game with almost four minutes left. It's been less of Carolina playing well and more Kentucky playing like shit. Wall, for all his talent, has eight turnovers.

2:51: Kentucky wins, but Calipari notes in his postgame interview that "my team isn't that good right now" and that "freshmen do dumb things." And it showed in this game - UK was crazy talented, but prone to foul trouble, turnovers and other assorted dumb shit. This was evident with Wall, but especially evident with fellow freshmen Eric Bledsoe and DeMarcus Cousins. This team *can* be crazy good, but they have a long way to go.

2:55: Pitt is winning, but Mardy Gilyard is one insane kick returner/receiver. He just had a 48-yard kick return after returning one for a TD earlier in the game. He's dragged Cincy back to a 38-30 game. For Pitt, Dion Lewis had 38 carries for 160 yards and the fourth quarter just started. He might touch the ball 55 times when it's all said and done.

3:14: Aaaand Cincy just came back to tie the score. BALLS OF STEEL. Awesome fucking comeback. If the rest of Sports Orgy Saturday ends up like these last two games, I'm going to have a coronary by dinnertime.

3:26: Dion Lewis just scored to put Pitt ahead with a little less than two minutes left, but Pitt botched the extra point. It was Lewis' 47th carry on the day. He is only 19 years old. Meanwhile, Mardy Gilyard has 374 all-purpose yards. Draft this man.

3:31: TOUCHDOWN CINCY. Holy fucking shit. They make the extra point and now they're up by 45-44 with one second left. They were down 31-10 at one point and now they're going to win the game. INSANE game.

3:40: Cincy wins by one. Kentucky wins by two. Let's hope the next game isn't nearly as close.

New shortstop. Woot


Nomar Garciaparra
Orlando Cabrera
Edgar Renteria
Alex Gonzalez
Julio Lugo
Jed Lowrie
Nick Green
Alex Gonzalez

Another year another shortstop. Our wunderkind Theo Epstein's personal kryptonite. This is such a crap shoot, the Red Sox might end up with another clunker on their hands, but at least its only a two year committment, and for only six million a year. PLUS, if for some reason a superstar shortstop becomes available, say a Hanley Ramirez or Jose Reyes, the Sox could make Scutaro the leagues most expensive Super Utility player. But what if Scutaro hits this season like he did last year? A gaping hole in our lineup has been plugged (Heh).

Scutaro is a smart hitter, who unlike Alex Gonzalez will take pitches, and draw the occasional walk. For all of you who will miss Gonzalez's defense, please remember he had 15 walks all of last season. Wonder why our offense wasn't clicking at the end of last year? He is definitely one of the biggest culprits, taking the fewest pitches per plate appearance for any starting position player on the team (3.4).

Now the question remains, what the hell are the Sox going to do during the rest of the offseason?

Trade Mike Lowell? Sign John Lackey? Sign Dick Harden HAHAHAHAHAHA? Bay or Holliday? Something we haven't thought of yet? Who knows.

Friday, December 4, 2009

DeJuan, your basket is that way <-----------------

Last night the Celtics, who are now 15-4 by the way, beat the Spurs down in San Antonio. In between flicking between the channels I caught this gem. Ex Pitt Panther DeJuan Blair went up to get a rebound last night and somehow knocked the ball into his own hoop. This has to be one of the most bizarre plays, because it almost looks like he is doing it on purpose.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Texts from GHABBY: Episode 1

Yes that is the Babe Ruth contract with the Boston Red Sox. Next on his roadtrip GHABBY will be sending text pics of David Tyree's gloves from Super Bowl XLII, Bill Buckner's shoelaces, and a glass vile owned by Len Bias.