Monday, November 2, 2009
at 10:50 AM Posted by SmartyBarrett
So the Yankees are absolutely 100% definitely going to win the World Series. No question about it. It's a lock, a guaranteed lock.
But not to fear, Boston fans. Absorb the shit-talking from the Yankee fans, as the celebrate their first World Series win of the millenium. No need to remind them that the Sox have two already. No need to remind them that your Boston Red Sox are clearly the best team of the decade. No, I suggest just smiling.
That's right. Smile. And hope said Yankee clown is a football fan. Because if so, then he/she/it will be quiet for a LONG time. Because I'm not sure if you noticed, kids, but the Giants are terrible. Like really really epicly bad. "But Smarty," you say. "The Giants are 5-3! That is a winning record! They're only a half game out of first place in the strong NFC East!" To you I say this: shut up. Let's have a look at your 5-3 Giants, shall we? They started off 5-0, woooo! Go team, right? Nasty! They just need to return to their winning ways and Super Bowl city, here we come! Because in those 5 wins they beat...um...well they beat the uh... there was the Redskins... and ooh, the uh... Chiefs, that was err... well, wow... they handled the Raiders, so... and the Buccaneers, they have a, uh... jeez. Those 4 teams have a combined record of... wait for it: 5-24. None of those teams should even qualify as NFL teams. Seriously. Beating them is not an accomplishment, it's a given. Their other win came against Dallas. Fine. Well done. Since the 5-0 start, the Giants have 1. Gotten manhandled by the Saints. Like absolutely fucking destroyed. Then 2. Lost to the Cardinals, who aren't really anything special, but that game was hardly ever in doubt. Which leads to 3. The absolute fist-raping they endured at the hands of the Eagles yesterday. This Giants team is pathetic. They're worthless, and anytime they play a REAL team they take it so hard it would make Sasha Grey blush. Eli Manning sucks, their defense sucks, Brandon Jacobs sucks, and they have no receivers. They are going NOWHERE. If the Yankees blow this 3-1 lead, Yankees/Giants fans might just fucking kill themselves.
But wait. Maybe these aforementioned Yankee jerks are Jets fans! Well then that... wow. Excuse me, I... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Is the Mark Sanchez love affair over yet? Are people realizing that he SUCKS ASS by now? Jeez, I can't wait to play this fucking team again, seriously. They're fucking DONE. I hope the Pats run up the score on them so much that Rex Ryan has 513 simultaneous strokes. That fat shit. The Jets are pathetic.
And if football doesn't get your man-piece all rigid, then may I present this:
Ohhh yeah, that's awesome.
So, just to recap:
1. The Giants suck.
2. The Jets suck.
3. The Celtics are ridiculously, other-worldly nasty.
4. Derek Jeter plays the game the right way. I mean how good is this guy? He's the captain and he is a true Yankee. When he makes a play, you should pause your DVR and bask in the true hustle and grittiness, because THAT'S HOW A PLAY SHOULD BE MADE. Show your son. Show your nephew. Show your neighbor's kid. That's Derek Jeter, boy. That's a man. That. Is. Perfection.
5. Brad Lidge sucks.