Friday, October 2, 2009
at 1:05 PM Posted by SmartyBarrett
Wow, we're into Week 4 already? And I haven't written ONE Patriots post yet? As soon as I realized this, I send HZMLS a quick text to ask if I could preview this week's game and he obliged, so here we go! Smarty Barrett taking the reigns and --
WOOOOOO!! OUTTA THE WAY, SNOWMAN!
SB: Ray Lewis? The fuck are you doing here?
RL: Heard you were doin' a preview, MUTHA FUCKA! Preview this: ME BREAKIN' DUDES IN HALF! FEEEEL MEHHH!
SB: Um, OK, we'll get to that, Ray. I mean obviously you guys are a very strong team this year, 3-0 and such, and I think it's mainly due to --
RL: DUE TO ME, MUH MAN! WOOOOOO!!!
SB: Um, sure, yeah, that's part of it. I definitely think the defense as a whole has been --
RL: DEFENSE AS A WHOLE?!?! Dawg, I AM the defense! DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! The FUCK you starin' at, BOY?
SB: Oh, err, nothing. Nothing at all. But I mean, you kind of jump on piles a lot to pad your tackle numbers, I mean... I don't know, just saying that --
RL: OH HELLLLZ NO you DIDN'T!! Ray Lewis IZZ Ray Lewis, MAN! I AM A BEAST! I AM A LEGEND! I KILL DUDES!!!
SB: You kill dudes? Um, maybe you shouldn't... you know, say stuff like...
RL: Say what? What'd I say, motherfucker, huh? What'd I say? You hear anything? I didn't hear anything, you hear anything? You BETTER not have heard anything, dawg. Cuz if you think maybe you heard something, dudes is gonna start disappearing. You get me?
SB: Hear what?
RL: Ezzackly. You a smart dude. All I heard was talkin' about tha defense. DE-FENSE! *ARF ARF* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*
SB: Oh right, the defense. Well, I mean, besides you, of course, Ray Lewis, there's like Ed Reed, right? I mean I think he is just crazy goo --
RL: BITCH, I AM ED REED!
SB: ...you're Ed Reed?
RL: Did I STUTTER, you cracka? I'M ED REED. I AM THE DEFENSE. *AR--
SB: OK, Ray, we get it. You're Ed Reed. You're Ed Reed. Of course. How silly of me to think otherwise...
RL: You goddamn right I'm Ed Reed. I'm also Terrell Suggs, Brendon Ayanbadejo, and Bo Schembechler's fuckin' DAD. BITCH.
SB: Bo Schem--?? ...nevermind. Well, listen, about this game. I gotta say, as a Patriots fan, I'm pretty confident. I mean I know y'all are 3-0, but two of those wins were against the Chiefs and Browns! I mean, have you SEEN those teams play this year?
RL: Yo, how many times I gotta TELL you?!?! I DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN'!! NOTHIN', AIGHT?
SB: OK, fine, but I was just askin' about --
RL: SEE?!?! You askin' questions! I AIN'T NO SNITCH! I AIN'T SAYIN' SHIT! You know what, fuck this. I'm finishing this preview muh-self. 5 important keys to the game, GO:
1. I di'nt kill NOBODY.
2. I di'nt SEE NOTHIN'.
3. Tom Brady go'na get his head KNOCKEDTHAFUCKOFF.
4. I DEFINITELY di'nt STAB nobody.
5. I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!!!!
YOU HEAR DAT, TRENT DILFER? FUCK YOU, I'LL STAB YO' ASS!!!
SB: Ahem, well. That was... that was great, Ray. Seriously. Just, um... this IS going on the internet, so I mean... a lot of that stuff you said is--
RL: It's what? ...shit.
SB: Yeah... probably should have warned you. So um... anything else you wanna add?
SB: OK, so I guess that's it. Go Patri--
RL: DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*