Friday, October 2, 2009

A Very Special Ravens @ Patriots Week 4 Preview


Wow, we're into Week 4 already? And I haven't written ONE Patriots post yet? As soon as I realized this, I send HZMLS a quick text to ask if I could preview this week's game and he obliged, so here we go! Smarty Barrett taking the reigns and --


WOOOOOO!! OUTTA THE WAY, SNOWMAN!

SB: Ray Lewis? The fuck are you doing here?

RL: Heard you were doin' a preview, MUTHA FUCKA! Preview this: ME BREAKIN' DUDES IN HALF! FEEEEL MEHHH!

SB: Um, OK, we'll get to that, Ray. I mean obviously you guys are a very strong team this year, 3-0 and such, and I think it's mainly due to --


RL: DUE TO ME, MUH MAN! WOOOOOO!!!

SB: Um, sure, yeah, that's part of it. I definitely think the defense as a whole has been --


RL: DEFENSE AS A WHOLE?!?! Dawg, I AM the defense! DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! The FUCK you starin' at, BOY?

SB: Oh, err, nothing. Nothing at all. But I mean, you kind of jump on piles a lot to pad your tackle numbers, I mean... I don't know, just saying that --


RL: OH HELLLLZ NO you DIDN'T!! Ray Lewis IZZ Ray Lewis, MAN! I AM A BEAST! I AM A LEGEND! I KILL DUDES!!!

SB: You kill dudes? Um, maybe you shouldn't... you know, say stuff like...


RL: Say what? What'd I say, motherfucker, huh? What'd I say? You hear anything? I didn't hear anything, you hear anything? You BETTER not have heard anything, dawg. Cuz if you think maybe you heard something, dudes is gonna start disappearing. You get me?

SB: Hear what?

RL: Ezzackly. You a smart dude. All I heard was talkin' about tha defense. DE-FENSE! *ARF ARF* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*

SB: Oh right, the defense. Well, I mean, besides you, of course, Ray Lewis, there's like Ed Reed, right? I mean I think he is just crazy goo --


RL: BITCH, I AM ED REED!

SB: ...you're Ed Reed?

RL: Did I STUTTER, you cracka? I'M ED REED. I AM THE DEFENSE. *AR--

SB: OK, Ray, we get it. You're Ed Reed. You're Ed Reed. Of course. How silly of me to think otherwise...

RL: You goddamn right I'm Ed Reed. I'm also Terrell Suggs, Brendon Ayanbadejo, and Bo Schembechler's fuckin' DAD. BITCH.

SB: Bo Schem--?? ...nevermind. Well, listen, about this game. I gotta say, as a Patriots fan, I'm pretty confident. I mean I know y'all are 3-0, but two of those wins were against the Chiefs and Browns! I mean, have you SEEN those teams play this year?


RL: Yo, how many times I gotta TELL you?!?! I DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN'!! NOTHIN', AIGHT?

SB: OK, fine, but I was just askin' about --


RL: SEE?!?! You askin' questions! I AIN'T NO SNITCH! I AIN'T SAYIN' SHIT! You know what, fuck this. I'm finishing this preview muh-self. 5 important keys to the game, GO:

1. I di'nt kill NOBODY.
2. I di'nt SEE NOTHIN'.
3. Tom Brady go'na get his head KNOCKEDTHAFUCKOFF.
4. I DEFINITELY di'nt STAB nobody.
5. I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!!!!

YOU HEAR DAT, TRENT DILFER? FUCK YOU, I'LL STAB YO' ASS!!!

SB: Ahem, well. That was... that was great, Ray. Seriously. Just, um... this IS going on the internet, so I mean... a lot of that stuff you said is--


RL: It's what? ...shit.

SB: Yeah... probably should have warned you. So um... anything else you wanna add?

RL: Um....

SB: Ray?

RL: ....

SB: OK, so I guess that's it. Go Patri--


RL: DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!* DE-FENSE! *ARF! ARF!*

2 comments:

rakeback said...

Ray Lewis even after double digit seasons in the league remains one of the best linebackers and most intimidating presences in the NFL. Ray and Ed Reed make up the best 1-2 combo in the league.

SmartyBarrett said...

He also more than likely killed (or at the very least participated in the killing of) another man. So there's that.