'Allo! Me name is Lord Stuffybritches, overseerer of the skint in the County of Liverpool. This weekend the Yankee football club the Patriots of New Engerland (those traitorous vermin) will be playing the Tampa Bay Swashbucklers in an exhibition of Yank rules football. Frankly I find the game boring, as the Yanks hae yet to really appreciate the fine art of real football, with the yellow cards and low scoring matches. Boff all ye yanks. The goal of this game is to tackle the opponent before they sneak the ball past the goal line. How brutish and uncivilized!
So first off, in the spirit of Mass Hysteria, a Yank blog written by four undesirables and a wench, we must pick the pregame ale: which of course is Bass, the ale of pommy royalty. Please don't bring any Guiness to any of my parties, because I would rather drink the wazz of a maiden with the plague than drink that Irish cack. And I would never drink Beck's, the official ale of those blinking wankers the Gerry.
Pregame Food: Steak and kidney pie with mash. What better to compliment y'r Bass ale than a steaming plate of a steak and kidney? Does anything say football more than this delicious combination?
Pregame Music: Of course my favourite musician is the beautiful graft of Sir Granville Bantock, whose Fire Worshippers Choral makes Stanley Bate sound like Henry Purcell if ye catch me drift.
Lady of the Week: Elizabeth I. No other bint shows power and nobility like Elizabeth. Underneath those pantaloons was pure womanhood unmatched by any lady nowadays. What me wouldn't give to take off petticoat and rub me beard all over her pale bodice.
The Game: The New Englanger Patriots are led by Thomas Brady, a noble American football tosser who has shown a real skill pitching the ball both on and off the pit. In this match I expect to see Brady hurl passes towards the heavens to his African Ball-Catcher Randall Moss. The Bucs on the other hand have a ball tosser that is reminiscent of Tomas Brolin and his days playing for that pitiful group of scalliwags the Leeds. They make me want to razz up me bangers and mash.
On the defensive, the Patriots will have such a strong protection from attacks from in the air that Winston Churchill will blush. The Patriots of New Engerland have a superior defensive squad second only to Manchester United. The Bucs have made more questionable move than Neville Chamberlain, so it is no wonder they are the laughers of the National Footballs League. The biggest mistakes the Pirates offensive made was demoting Byron Leftwich, who must be a Brit. Byron is a name of British royalty, and our most famous citizen Lord Byron must be whom Leftwich's mater was thinking of when she named her poppet. How divine! How could they not win with a name such as that? Yet now the Bucs hae a tosser named Josh Johnson, the name of an Irish drunkard, and they lose at a rate faster than a French Naval Fleet. But in honour of this wretched team I would fancy to dedicate this poem from Lord Byron entitled And Thou Art Dead, As Young and Fair
The flower in ripen'd bloom unmatch'd
Must fall the earliest prey;
Though by no hand untimely snatch'd,
The leaves must drop away:
And yet it were a greater grief
To watch it withering, leaf by leaf,
Than see it pluck'd to-day;
Since earthly eye but ill can bear
To trace the change to foul from fair.
Me is ready to see some Yankee football!!