Thursday, September 10, 2009

My Senate Resume by Curt Schilling


by Curtis Montague Schilling

Age: 42

Government Experience: None

Party: Republican

Resume:

1992-2000
Pitcher
Philadelphia Phillies
* Kept small children away from John Kruk's mouth
* Prevented Mitch Williams from swallowing lethal amount of Draino after Game 7 of the 1993 World Series
* From my expert knowledge of the economy I gave Lenny Dykstra the tools to set up his financial empire
*I was awesome

2000-2003
Pitcher
Arizona Diamondbacks
*Taught Randy Johnson how to read and write his name
* After losing Cy Young to him two years in row, told him his best career move would be to play on the big stage in New York.
* I was awesome

2004-2007
Pitcher
Boston Red Sox
* Brokered my own trade over turkey dinner with Theo. Trade consisted of myself for: Brandon Lyon's left arm, the rotting corpse of Casey Fossum and an IOU for a cup of Legal Seafood Clam Chowder.
*From October 2004 to 2007 I overcame more adversity than Lance Armstrong, Helen Keller and Anne Frank combined. Did you see the color of my sock?
*Broke Red Sox record of most Dunkin Donut munchkins eaten in a day with 345 beating Rich Garces's previous record 0f 327.
* I was awesome

2003-present
Mage
Level 94
World of Warcraft
* started really playing in 2007 to get myself in shape for the 2007 baseball season
* defeated the darklord in Azeroth, only needing the Blue Sword of Truth and the Pangean Shield of Courage to win
* Pwned a n00b PK in the woods after he slayed my blood brother Hotstud696969
* I was awesome

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Pro: Semi automatic rifles, John McCain, blog posts over 3000 words, my 2009 Hummer, this burger:


Anti: the gays, Randy Johnson, evolution, A-rabs, Michael Moore, skin cancer.

2 comments:

Eric Dondero said...

Problem is a lot of real Republicans are starting to wonder if Schilling is indeed a true conservative/libertarian.

State Sen. Scott Windham may be a better choice. He's solid libertarian/conservative, with no surprises. Or, State Sen. Bob Hedlund.

Schilling seems like a nice guy, but a bit too centrist/moderate in these very anti-Obama anti-Socialism times.

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

That's not a problem, Eric. That's awesome.

I bet he'd win, Ahnold-style, if he won.