Saturday, September 19, 2009


Okay, so the first half didn't go as well as planned. But there's 30 more minutes of certain rape to ensue...or more of me vacating my bowels onto my domestic violence recliner. I'm hoping for the former rather than the latter. And so does my chair.

13:52 3rd: Aaaaand Joe Haden grabs a pick. Second half, exact opposite of the first half! BOOM ROASTED. The scheduled assraping may have been delayed for 30 minutes, but fear not folks, it's a-comin.

9:33 3rd: FG Florida. I'm suddely getting flashbacks to last year's Pats. I DONT WATCH THE GATORS TO SEE FIELD GOALS DAMMIT. Gators 16, Kiffykins 6.

7:44 3rd:
Signs of destrucity from the Gator D. Now if the offense can just stop stalling out more than my old '95 Buick LeSabre, which was comprised of 20% paint and 80% rust.

5:24 3rd: Tebow should have been sacked 5739303839 times on that play, and yet the greatest college football player in teh evAr ran for a fi
rst down. But yeah Mel Kiper, he's a tight end in the pros. I HATE YOU AND I HATE YOUR STUPID HAIR.
0:07 3rd: TD Florida. Demps got the touchdown, but make no mistake: Tebow is singlehandedly carrying this game with his indestructible body parts, his ginormous balls made of sheer brass, and the power of the Lawwwwd. Also, HZMLS and his wife showed up, contrary to reports that they both committed seppuku after BC gained three yards in the first three quarters. Gators 23, Kiffykins 6.

12:33 4th:
TEBOW JUST KNOCKED A MAN'S SKULL OFF. Okay, not his skull, but a helmet that was securely fastened to a skull. This game is finally starting to turn into BonerJams '09.

11:37 4th: Aaaaand Tebow fumbled. Whatever, Burt Re
ynolds probably once fucked a chick who was a 9. We all make mistakes.
8:11 4th: Touchdown Tennessee. First TD allowed by the Gators all year. Not pleased, and mildly drunk. Tonight may end in violence. Six Woodchucks and five Magner's happen to do that to you. Gators 23, Kiffykins 13.

6:17 4th: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. If ANYONE OTHER THAN TEBOW did something on offense this game, I wouldn't feel the need to swallow an entire month's worth of Xanax right now. Must. Stay. Calm. FUUUUUUUUUCK.Dude, all is not fucked.

3:37 4th: First down Vols. Rocky Top is worse than every Nickelback song ever combined.

2:24 4th: GRAB THAT FUMBLE YOU FUCKS. AAAAHHHHH. But Crompton just pissed himself on 3rd down and intentionally grounded but the refs didn't call it because they hate puppies and love Hitler. KILL THEIR FACES ON 4th and 6. Seriously, somebody needs to be decapitated on this 4th down. It NEEDS to happen. I want death. I want it now. I thirst for Tennessee blood. It sustains me.

1:51 4th: AHMAD BLACK YOU Black as night. Black as Wesley Snipes' taint. God bless you you Nubian God.

End of game: Florida 23, Kiffykins 13. Ya know what Kiffin? You're NOT singing Rocky Top at Florida this year. You lost. You failed in your mission. You're still adopted. You still have cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia that was skullfucked into you by a trucker. A win is a win, even if it's not by 393039 points. We're still undefeated. We're still #1. While it may not have been pretty, the Gators still fucking WON. Suck on deeeeeez sweaty, hairy nutz.

1 comment:

Boatdrinks said...

Phew. I was worried for you G'Habby!
I wanted blood too. I hate big mouths who have done absolutely nothing.