Saturday, September 19, 2009

KIFFYKINS HATERAPE LIVEBLOG First Half


Yes folks, it's your old friend GHABB,Y, letting you know that reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Okay, mildly exaggerated. Fine, there may have been two or three near-Benoit experiences over the past few months due to almost-assuredly lethal combinations of painkillers, alcohol, Xanax, Sterk and Charlie Kelly Sniffin' Glue, but I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm dripping with excitement at the HATERAPE about to ensue on the glorious turf of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

Honestly, I haven't been this excited for a non-National Championship game since my hormones were making me sexually confused about Danny Wuerffel's Jesus-fueled scruffy manliness. A synopsis of what's about to make today's Florida/Tennessee tilt so Schadenfreuderiffic:

Tennessee, after a shit-tastic year, fired fat tub of goo Phil Fulmer, and, in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, hired Lane "Kiffykins" Kiffin. Kiffin, suffering from an IQ of 39, proceeded to promise upon his hiring that his Vols would beat the National Fucking Champion Gators, in the face of talent, speed and logic. Kiffin then proceeded to bait His Holiness Urban Meyer for the rest of the offseason, once even accusing Coach God Urban of recruiting violations, which Kiffykins later had to retract and basically admit that he didn't know a fucking thing when it came to recruiting rules.

Meanwhile, this constant shit-talking and false accusationing only proceeded to anger the Gators. Kiffin's quotes were posted throughout the hallowed halls of the UF locker room. Gator players vowed to destroy the Vols in ways that cannot be shown on network television. The bear, to borrow a phrase, has been poked.

The Vegas line for today's game is Gators by 28.5. Personally, if they win by less than 40, both myself and everyone else clad the championship colors of Orange and Blue shall be saddened. SO LET'S BRING ON TEH DETHKILLING!

Pregame: Ooooh, the Vols tried to psyche out the Gators by waiting 10 extra seconds to run out to their death. Thankfully, that gave me ten more seconds to look at Ed Orgeron, immortalized in this fine piece of internet genius. Lemsday! Also, the "Florida has won the last two meetings 89-26" is the first fun stat of the day. With any luck, that may be the final score today.

13:09 1st: You're not stopping Tebow on a 4th and 2. You're just not. That conversion prompted the first of what will be many Ric Flair "WHOOO" noises from your intrepid reporter. Also, it's great that Kiffykins learned the lesson of "not kicking to Brandon James," except, you know, the exact opposite.

Btw...it's officially known as "Natty Lite" now? Glad they embraced their drunk high school freshman roots there. Now if Milwaukee's Best will just officially change their name to "The Beast."

11:33 1st: Gators 3, Kiffykins 0. Field goal Gators. I could harp on the fact that Tebow got stopped on two third downs, but the Gator O has gotten off to relatively slow starts this year, only to bring the hate as the game goes on. I ain't scurred.

7:22 1st: Monterrio Hardesty sounds like he should be in a early-90's New Jack Swing group.

4:01 1st: SmartyBarrett just showed up and told me that Urban Meyer is only the 2nd greatest Urban to ever live. Just before I strangled him, he told me that there was a player on the '27 Yankees named, and I shit ye not, Urban Shocker. Also, field goal Tennessee. Whatever, fuck that shit. 3-3 Gators.

13:40 2nd:
Tebow just LIT UP Eric Berry. Then he fingerbanged Berry's girlfriend in front of him, because, well, Tebow doesn't have sex. Actually, he gave her an Urban Shocker.

12:48 2nd: TOUCHDOWN TEBOW. Dude is fired the f
uck UP right now. And so am I. Gators 10, Kiffykins 3. I love life.
8:04 2nd: INT Tennessee. It's nice to know that Berry recovered enough from his brutal concussion to make a nice pick. As much as I hate the Vols, Berry is pretty sick. I'm not saying I'm worried per se, but this game isn't going as rapetastic as I thought. I need more alcohol.

5:56 2nd: FG Tennessee. Helluva red-zone stop by the Gators, who STILL have not let up a TD this season. Even with my boys looking not terribly great this game, I can always take solace in the Vols' lack of ability to get into the end zone. Florida 10, Kiffykins 6.

0:55 2nd: FG Florida. Should've had a TD, but Brandon James just got his shit knocked silly while making a catch in the end zone. I'll just say it: the Vols have a pretty good defense, especially in the defensive backfield. I will now rip out a bicuspid with a set of toenail clippers. Gators 13, Kiffykins 6. Aaaand that's the half. Nonplussed.

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