Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Mass Hysteria's NFL Preview Extravaganza: The NFC East

Sorry for the lack of posting over the last few months folks, my job really kicks it into high gear over the summer. But I am happy to say that I am back and ready to waste more time bitching about Boston sports and making fun of drug-addled quarterbacks. Unfortunately, I am taking the plunge in the next week; yes, this deprived pervert is getting married. So while I will be gone for the next three weeks on a "honeymoon", I want to present you a gift before I leave: the NFL previews.


Why the Giants will win the NFC East. Last year the Giants flopped big time, much to the glee of the writers here at Mass Hysteria. In fact the whole season was one giant "Fuck You" from god to the G-Men. First Osi HumanUrine was lost for the season, then Plaxico Burress almost blew his leg off, and finally the Giants got stomped in the playoffs. Ahhhh that felt good writing that. But anyways, the Giants are back, mostly healthy and with everyone healthy their defense is strong enough compete against anyone, even with a quarterback with down syndrome. That's what you get when you have a mack truck as your running back.


Why the Giants will not win the NFC East Most of America was happy when Corky from Life Goes On threw a miracle pass that David Tyree had no business catching, but last year showed what Eli was really made of. Now that he doesn't have Plax, who is going to throw to? Steve Smith (the one who sucks)? Domenik Hixon? Mario Manningham? Plus with the subtraction of Derrick Ward, a lot of pressure will be on Brandon Jacobs to do more than just run over 10 defenders at the goal line. Plus, I fucking hate the Giants. So that's gotta count for something, right?


Why the Cowboys will win the NFC East Even with the loss of Terrell Owens, the Cowboys still have a pretty solid offense. Marion Barber and Felix Jones should provide a great one-two punch on the ground and prevent Tony Romo from making his trademark two-three stupid throws a game. Also the Cowboys have a new stadium, that cost Jerry Jones over a billion dollars to build, so you have got to assume that for that price rockets from space would shoot lasers that could incapacitate the other teams star player. Plus Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson, so we won't have to watch that giggling no talent whale hopping up and down at Cowboys games, and that's a plus.


Why the Cowboys will not win the NFC East True he was a giant distraction, but TO forced opponents to focus on him, which made other lesser players better. Now TO is gone, and Roy Williams will be the teams number one go to guy. Plus the Cowboys traded away their first two draft picks for him, so they really couldn't add much during the draft. The defense was pretty middle of the road, and they lost the other Roy Williams (addition by subtraction), but a mediocre defense won't help during games that Tony Romo throws 5 picks and misses wide open receivers.


Why the Redskins will win the NFC East : This is a tough one, because there is no f'n way the Skins win the East. I guess if Coach JankySpanky runs for 200 yards a game, and the defense stops opponents cold, they could win. Santana Moss caught over 1000 yards worth of Jason Campbell passes last season, and somehow the Skins did pretty well against the NFC East, so they could catch lightening in a bottle. But I doubt it.


Why the Redskins will not win the NFC East They aren't a very good football team. Jason Campbell is good at being a slow immobile, quarterback who vanishes against good defenses. Clinton Portis, when healthy is the best running back in football, but he seems to stay completely healthy for about four weeks a season. Plus after reading Chris Cooley's blog last year, it was clear that he has a tiny pecker. And no team with a tight end with a miniscule pecker can win their division.


Why the Eagles will win the NFC East This team is deep. They have two excellent running backs in Brian Westbrook and Lesean McCoy, an explosive wide receiver in DeSean Jackson, and I don't know if you heard, but they signed Michael Vick. I guess this guy isn't very too nice to animals, I'm not sure if you heard that. Plus even after their defensive coordinator was signed by Vince Lombardi to run his defense, the Iggles D is great. Against three other very flawed teams Philly has a greater chance of winning the East then Hank Baskett's marriage does of succeeding.


Why the Eagles will not win the NFC East If Andy Reid's crazy ass sons continue to sell meth and carry glocks, then Reid could be distracted going into this season. Plus if McNabb gets hurt and the Eagles are forced to start Vick, that doesn't look good because the only running Vick has done in the past two years is trying to not get his chocolate starfish drilled by a white skinhead named Bubba. Brian Westbrook looks like he has aged thirty years in 12 months, and McCoy is an unknown.


HZMLS's Pick to Win the NFC East: The Philadelphia Iggles, they are a complete package. Haha, I said package. It will be interesting to see how they use Ookie, but even if he contributes nothing to this team, I still think they are pretty good. Plus, FUCK THE GIANTS.

Smarty Barrett's Pick to Win the NFC East: The New York Giants. The Eagles season starts off well, but then Michael Vick hears McNabb call DeSean Jackson "dawg". Vick proceeds to hook electrodes up to Jackson before drowning him in a bathtub, removing the Eagles biggest receiving threat from the equation. Also, Andy Reid is not a good coach.

1 comment:

Rocco said...

Don't do it. That's all I have to say.