Friday, August 21, 2009
at 10:28 AM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
As we send our dear friend HZMLS into wedded bliss, this intrepid reporter has assembled the finest array of celebrity well-wishers to celebrate the retirement of HZMLS' penis:
David Ortiz: "You should receive a FedEx package from Signature Pharmacy at your house. It is NOT a wedding present. Upon receiving it, please meet me at the Starbucks on Harvard Ave. Make sure that you're not being watched."
Matt Ryan: "HZMLS is getting married? Does that mean that he's going to stop sending me locks of hair and amputated toes in the mail in envelopes doused in Brut cologne? Cause, not gonna lie, that last one that he sent before the Arizona playoff game completely freaked me out."
Kevin Garnett: "Wait...a beautiful, intelligent, insanely cool woman is marrying...you? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!"
Fred Taylor: "Take it from me: be careful on your wedding day. You can pull your groin in such simple tasks as walking down the aisle, cutting the wedding cake, sitting upright, or doing the Electric Slide."
Jim Koch, President of Samuel Adams: "After receiving your multitude of letters, and despite your coming nuptials, I regret to inform you that your repeated suggestions of new Samuel Adams beers containing blueberries, boysenberries, pomegranetes and kiwis will not be part of our 2009 Fall new beer release. That said, we at Samuel Adams wish you nothing but the best in your wedded endeavors, and, should you ever decide to drink beers without high doses of estrogen, we have a wide selection of the world's finest beers to help celebrate your wedded bliss."
Dominique Davis: "Congrats on your....." (message incomplete)
Tom Brady: "Your wife isn't a supermodel, is she? No? Still, I've heard she's still quite attractive, so tell her that if she ever wants a real man, to give the ol' Tomster a call. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg sends his best."
Hazel Mae: "I moved to New York simply due to your creepy tendency to hide outside my apartment and write erotic slash fiction about me, so I'm glad to hear that you are now legally bound to a woman who could possibly prevent you from further violating the restraining order I have out against you. Oh, and for the record, the landing strip is gone, as I found a place that does fantastic bikini waxes in Flushing."
Ted Johnson: "What? Wedding? Who? Where am I? Where are my shoes?"
Dustin Pedroia: "You're not marrying a 13 year old boy, are you? Whew. Let's just say that my family has had problems with that recently."
Bill Simmons: "Your wedding reminds me of that scene in Almost Famous where I tried to become the GM of the Timberwolves with Blueboy and House, and then randomly adopted a soccer team before ignoring them for two years and then picking them back up again. My wedding present to you is 17-weeks of horribly-picked NFL games that I got from my friend Jimmy, whose show I used to write for and who will be on my podcast that you should listen to. All of this will be explained in my book, which is like that scene in Teen Wolf where they crawl out of Shawshank with a rock hammer. Buy my book, out October 27th!"
Heidi Watney: "I sure love married men. Give me a call."
Mark Herzlich: "You're getting married? Wow, that must be fun. Way more fun than having fucking cancer eating away at your insides, causing unimaginable pain. Enjoy your filet mignon and champagne while I undergo intensive chemo, you insensitive douche."
Seriously buddy, congrats, and apologies in advance for sticking my penis in your wedding cake while loudly proclaiming myself "Ferdinand Frostingcock" in front of your entire family.