Friday, August 28, 2009

20 Ways to Piss Off the Stereotypical Red Sox Fan


As Red Sox fans, we at Mass Hysteria tend to run into far too many of our Sox-loving brethren who make us reach for our nearest bottle of Xanax with the quickness. Whether you call them "Yahdoods," "Brosephs" or just plain "Mouth-breathing, rapetastic douchefuck products of a low sperm count," we've all been terrorized, embarrassed and shamed by them. Here then, is your handy-dandy guide to what, exactly will piss off that meddlesome Sawwwxxxx fan in your life:

1) The bar running out of Red Bull or Bud Light in aluminum bottles.

2) Busing integration.

3) Trying to start the wave during a pitching change.

4) Non-tribal/shamrock/sports logo tattoos.

5) Pictures of Derek Jeter with hot bitches that he banged.

6) Being forced to name a second Neil Diamond song.

7) Wearing your hat frontwards.

8) When that hooker from the Combat Zone turns out to have a penis.

9) Being from Connecticut or New Jersey.

10) Spike Lee joints.

11) Vegetarians and vegans.

12) Calling Mark Wahlberg an overrated actor.

13) College-educated people who work on salary.

14) Getting your third DUI.

15) Realizing she's not as thin as she looked with that Pedroia t-shirt on.

16) Not getting St. Patrick's day as a paid holiday.

17) Queeaaahhhs.

18) The existence of the National League.

19) When Kowloon's won't deliver to whatever alley you've passed out in.

20) Really anyone who's not from the 617, 781 or 978 area codes.

Friday, August 21, 2009

HZMLS' Celebrity Wedding Guestbook


As we send our dear friend HZMLS into wedded bliss, this intrepid reporter has assembled the finest array of celebrity well-wishers to celebrate the retirement of HZMLS' penis:

David Ortiz: "You should receive a FedEx package from Signature Pharmacy at your house. It is NOT a wedding present. Upon receiving it, please meet me at the Starbucks on Harvard Ave. Make sure that you're not being watched."

Matt Ryan: "HZMLS is getting married? Does that mean that he's going to stop sending me locks of hair and amputated toes in the mail in envelopes doused in Brut cologne? Cause, not gonna lie, that last one that he sent before the Arizona playoff game completely freaked me out."

Kevin Garnett: "Wait...a beautiful, intelligent, insanely cool woman is ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!"

Fred Taylor: "Take it from me: be careful on your wedding day. You can pull your groin in such simple tasks as walking down the aisle, cutting the wedding cake, sitting upright, or doing the Electric Slide."

Jim Koch, President of Samuel Adams: "After receiving your multitude of letters, and despite your coming nuptials, I regret to inform you that your repeated suggestions of new Samuel Adams beers containing blueberries, boysenberries, pomegranetes and kiwis will not be part of our 2009 Fall new beer release. That said, we at Samuel Adams wish you nothing but the best in your wedded endeavors, and, should you ever decide to drink beers without high doses of estrogen, we have a wide selection of the world's finest beers to help celebrate your wedded bliss."

Dominique Davis: "Congrats on your....." (message incomplete)

Tom Brady: "Your wife isn't a supermodel, is she? No? Still, I've heard she's still quite attractive, so tell her that if she ever wants a real man, to give the ol' Tomster a call. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg sends his best."

Hazel Mae: "I moved to New York simply due to your creepy tendency to hide outside my apartment and write erotic slash fiction about me, so I'm glad to hear that you are now legally bound to a woman who could possibly prevent you from further violating the restraining order I have out against you. Oh, and for the record, the landing strip is gone, as I found a place that does fantastic bikini waxes in Flushing."

Ted Johnson: "What? Wedding? Who? Where am I? Where are my shoes?"

Dustin Pedroia: "You're not marrying a 13 year old boy, are you? Whew. Let's just say that my family has had problems with that recently."

Bill Simmons: "Your wedding reminds me of that scene in Almost Famous where I tried to become the GM of the Timberwolves with Blueboy and House, and then randomly adopted a soccer team before ignoring them for two years and then picking them back up again. My wedding present to you is 17-weeks of horribly-picked NFL games that I got from my friend Jimmy, whose show I used to write for and who will be on my podcast that you should listen to. All of this will be explained in my book, which is like that scene in Teen Wolf where they crawl out of Shawshank with a rock hammer. Buy my book, out October 27th!"

Heidi Watney: "I sure love married men. Give me a call."

Mark Herzlich: "You're getting married? Wow, that must be fun. Way more fun than having fucking cancer eating away at your insides, causing unimaginable pain. Enjoy your filet mignon and champagne while I undergo intensive chemo, you insensitive douche."

Seriously buddy, congrats, and apologies in advance for sticking my penis in your wedding cake while loudly proclaiming myself "Ferdinand Frostingcock" in front of your entire family.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Unfortunately Baldwin Declined My Request


Though I failed in my quest to have Baldwin at my wedding, Gerard Phelan agreed to be the ring bearer.

So yeah, I am getting married. Some of you may ask such questions as "Do your future in-laws know about your blogging secret identity?" The answer is yes, they do. In fact I believe they are actually readers of this site, which honestly is kind of cool. I want to apologize though in advance, the NFL previews are not going to happen. Instead of letting you know my thoughts on the Pats, my last two days as an umarried man will be spent calling fucking hotels in Hawaii to ensure our reservations are correct, doing laundry, packing, and picking up my goddamn tux. The details of my wedding is exactly what you might expect from me: yes I am getting hitched at Boston College, no Matt Ryan isn't going to be my best man, and yes my bride and I are entering to "Dirty Water" at the reception. The best part is we are getting married at a site associated with Northeastern, and they have a Husky statue near the front door. Well I have a BC Superfan shirt and hat ready to drape around that mascot. Would you expect any less from me? GHABBY and SmartyBarrett are both coming to the wedding, and will be able to give you the low down on who got the drunkest, who hooked up with whom, and the constant DJ interruptions with Red Sox-Yankee score updates.

Well Mass Hysteria, if I have time to throw together more short posts in the next couple days I will do my best. But if not I will be back in September, ready to talk more about:

* How Boston College lost it's opening game to Northeastern
* How Brett Favre will retire, then unretire again (Seriously though, if I hear another ESPN pundit putting the Vikings in the NFC title game because of this clown I'm going to scream)
* How David Ortiz hit 10 home runs in three weeks
* How Brad Penny remembered how to pitch and won three games, throwing 100 pitches over 9 innings
* How the Patriots are 1-0 with a 47-0 win over the Bills

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Mass Hysteria's NFL Preview Extravaganza: The NFC East

Sorry for the lack of posting over the last few months folks, my job really kicks it into high gear over the summer. But I am happy to say that I am back and ready to waste more time bitching about Boston sports and making fun of drug-addled quarterbacks. Unfortunately, I am taking the plunge in the next week; yes, this deprived pervert is getting married. So while I will be gone for the next three weeks on a "honeymoon", I want to present you a gift before I leave: the NFL previews.

Why the Giants will win the NFC East. Last year the Giants flopped big time, much to the glee of the writers here at Mass Hysteria. In fact the whole season was one giant "Fuck You" from god to the G-Men. First Osi HumanUrine was lost for the season, then Plaxico Burress almost blew his leg off, and finally the Giants got stomped in the playoffs. Ahhhh that felt good writing that. But anyways, the Giants are back, mostly healthy and with everyone healthy their defense is strong enough compete against anyone, even with a quarterback with down syndrome. That's what you get when you have a mack truck as your running back.

Why the Giants will not win the NFC East Most of America was happy when Corky from Life Goes On threw a miracle pass that David Tyree had no business catching, but last year showed what Eli was really made of. Now that he doesn't have Plax, who is going to throw to? Steve Smith (the one who sucks)? Domenik Hixon? Mario Manningham? Plus with the subtraction of Derrick Ward, a lot of pressure will be on Brandon Jacobs to do more than just run over 10 defenders at the goal line. Plus, I fucking hate the Giants. So that's gotta count for something, right?

Why the Cowboys will win the NFC East Even with the loss of Terrell Owens, the Cowboys still have a pretty solid offense. Marion Barber and Felix Jones should provide a great one-two punch on the ground and prevent Tony Romo from making his trademark two-three stupid throws a game. Also the Cowboys have a new stadium, that cost Jerry Jones over a billion dollars to build, so you have got to assume that for that price rockets from space would shoot lasers that could incapacitate the other teams star player. Plus Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson, so we won't have to watch that giggling no talent whale hopping up and down at Cowboys games, and that's a plus.

Why the Cowboys will not win the NFC East True he was a giant distraction, but TO forced opponents to focus on him, which made other lesser players better. Now TO is gone, and Roy Williams will be the teams number one go to guy. Plus the Cowboys traded away their first two draft picks for him, so they really couldn't add much during the draft. The defense was pretty middle of the road, and they lost the other Roy Williams (addition by subtraction), but a mediocre defense won't help during games that Tony Romo throws 5 picks and misses wide open receivers.

Why the Redskins will win the NFC East : This is a tough one, because there is no f'n way the Skins win the East. I guess if Coach JankySpanky runs for 200 yards a game, and the defense stops opponents cold, they could win. Santana Moss caught over 1000 yards worth of Jason Campbell passes last season, and somehow the Skins did pretty well against the NFC East, so they could catch lightening in a bottle. But I doubt it.

Why the Redskins will not win the NFC East They aren't a very good football team. Jason Campbell is good at being a slow immobile, quarterback who vanishes against good defenses. Clinton Portis, when healthy is the best running back in football, but he seems to stay completely healthy for about four weeks a season. Plus after reading Chris Cooley's blog last year, it was clear that he has a tiny pecker. And no team with a tight end with a miniscule pecker can win their division.

Why the Eagles will win the NFC East This team is deep. They have two excellent running backs in Brian Westbrook and Lesean McCoy, an explosive wide receiver in DeSean Jackson, and I don't know if you heard, but they signed Michael Vick. I guess this guy isn't very too nice to animals, I'm not sure if you heard that. Plus even after their defensive coordinator was signed by Vince Lombardi to run his defense, the Iggles D is great. Against three other very flawed teams Philly has a greater chance of winning the East then Hank Baskett's marriage does of succeeding.

Why the Eagles will not win the NFC East If Andy Reid's crazy ass sons continue to sell meth and carry glocks, then Reid could be distracted going into this season. Plus if McNabb gets hurt and the Eagles are forced to start Vick, that doesn't look good because the only running Vick has done in the past two years is trying to not get his chocolate starfish drilled by a white skinhead named Bubba. Brian Westbrook looks like he has aged thirty years in 12 months, and McCoy is an unknown.

HZMLS's Pick to Win the NFC East: The Philadelphia Iggles, they are a complete package. Haha, I said package. It will be interesting to see how they use Ookie, but even if he contributes nothing to this team, I still think they are pretty good. Plus, FUCK THE GIANTS.

Smarty Barrett's Pick to Win the NFC East: The New York Giants. The Eagles season starts off well, but then Michael Vick hears McNabb call DeSean Jackson "dawg". Vick proceeds to hook electrodes up to Jackson before drowning him in a bathtub, removing the Eagles biggest receiving threat from the equation. Also, Andy Reid is not a good coach.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Breakfast with the Hysterics


So I can't decide if this Red Sox season feels like the 2005 season where they made the playoffs but had no chance of doing much, or the 2006 season where the infamous 5-game sweep wiped the Sox off my radar screen, leaving me to wonder about what kind of offense the Patriots could muster with Doug Gabriel as their #2 receiver. I mean, how much different is this season? Instead of Wade Miller and David Wells we have John Smoltz and Brad Penny. Instead of Kyle Snyder and Matt Clement we have Clay Buchholz and Junichi Tazawa. And this offense... if you want to call it an offense... leaves me with visions of Tony Graffanino and John Olerud and Adam Hyzdu dancing in my head. Any of these guys still available? So amid the John Smoltz Experiment and the David Ortiz Steroid Extravaganza (These are great band names, kids. Use them. Use them well.) there's been some seriously sucktastic baseball.

And last night, OH GOD last night. Daniel Bard! Danny (Can I call you Danny? I have dreams where we meet and I call you Danny), how could you do this to me? After weeks and weeks of orgasmic pitching, effortless 99 mph fastballs, and sheer filth-nastiness, you let me down. Hard. In quite a big game. I know you're going to be the closer for this team somewhere down the line, which is why I've already started sending countless letters to John Henry, petitioning him to make your entrance song "Best I Ever Had" by Drake. I can just see it, Danny. You fist-bump the tubby cop and run in from the pen, while the Fenway Faithful sways from side to side, singing "You're the fuckin' best! You're the fuckin' best!" like it's Sweet Caroline. But no! JWH is probably feeding all my emails into a shredder this morning after your major hiccup last night. If I can't trust you, Danny, who can I trust?


Well kids, this could be a very long rest of the season. Is all hope lost? Absolutely not. But it's damn close. The Sox are back at Fenway tonight, and maybe some home cookin' will restore my faith. If not... Patriots/Eagles, Thursday night.

Save me, Tommy. Save me.

(Can I call you Tommy? I have dreams where we meet and I call you Tommy...)