Wednesday, July 15, 2009

UFC 100: BROCK SMASH FACE


Yeah, I know it's a few days late and a few (mythical internet) dollars short, but I would be remiss to not comment on the BIGGEST UFC EVAR that took place on Saturday night. If you didn't get a chance to watch the event, frankly, I feel sorry for you. It rocked with the power of a thousand Dios.

Before I recap the fight-by-fight action, let me first talk about the sheer scope of what was almost certainly the biggest UFC event ever. Industry journalists are projecting at least 1.5 million PPV buys, which would put UFC 100 behind only De La Hoya/Mayweather and Tyson's Ear Biting in the most successful PPV events in history. That's about 50% bigger than this year's Wrestlemania or any other UFC event. Lesnar was the top story on ESPN.com for two days straight, something completely unheard of even a year ago. UFC 100 was the second-most searched term on Yahoo last week, ahead of some dude named Michael Jackson. The ticket sales alone did $5.1 million. 50,000 people showed up for the freaking Fan Expo, which was basically a glorified Topsfield Fair with MMA booths instead of fried dough stands and Zipper rides. Let me reiterate - this shit was HUGE.

And thankfully, the event itself didn't disappoint. On with the PPV recap:

1) Yoshihiro Takayama def. Alan Belcher via split decision - Takayama is a hero in Japan (though, so are bands like Firehouse and Anvil), parlaying his MMA success into a MODELING career and his own album of ballads. He's a beautiful Japanese man, no homo. His nickname, I shit ye not, is SEXYAMA. Belcher is your typical American MMA dude, pretty good at everything but not spectacular in anything. Belcher hit SEXYAMA with a low blow early in the fight, which our Japanese friend sold for all it was worth. Then again, if I got kicked square in the testi satchel, I'd be writhing around in pain too and take all the time I possibly could to recover. SEXYAMA recovered to land a few punches on Belcher to end the first round. From here, we were treated to the ring girl stylings of former Hef girlfriend and Royal Shakespeare Company actress Holly Madison, who took so long to walk around the ring that it actually delayed the fight. Akiyama would impose his FIGHTO SPIRITO on Belcher for the next two rounds, despite his right eye being swollen completely shut. Decision: SEXYAMA in a close fight. Though I suspect, between the nut shot and the swollen eye, his modeling and singing career might be put on a short hiatus.

2) Dan Henderson def. Michael Bisping by "Knock the Fuck Out" in the second round. Now, many of you may read "Knock the Fuck Out," and think "oh, probably just some typical knockout, whoopity tits." Thankfully, some fine internet photoshop genius has created a wonderful gif detailing the scope of this knockout:

So, um, yeah, Dan Henderson won. As did Sesame Street.

3) George St. Pierre defeated Thiago Alves via decision. GSP is the best pound-for-pound MMA fighter alive today, and his skills were on display in this fight. By one count, he took down the much-heavier Alves (Thiago weighed in at 170 but was at least 195 by the time the fight occurred) 15 times during the fight, and generally imposed his mad skillz on the Brazilian. This win was made more amazing by the fact that GSP tore his right adductor muscle in the third round and continued to dominate Alves for two more rounds. Let me repeat this, for it bears repeating - GSP tore his fucking groin muscle off of his pelvis, and continued to kick a heavier man's ass for ten minutes. GSP is a god.

4) Brock Lesnar def. Frank Mir via TKO in Round 2. Some back history here: Brock faced Mir in his first UFC fight 17 months ago, and dominated Mir for 88 seconds in ways that would make mid-80s Mike Tyson cringe. However, Mir, being the jiu-jitsu specialist that he is, caught Lesnar in a knee bar (a submission move you learn in your first month or two of training) and Brock was forced to tap out. This made Brock ANGRY, and he swore revenge on the shit-talking Mir. Mir, as he is wont to do, continued to talk more shit about Brock leading up to this fight, turning Brock into a veritable rabid bear heading into Saturday's fight. Brock refused to touch gloves with Mir prior to the fight, and then proceeded to punch Mir in the face HARD and repeatedly for nearly the entire fight. This was like a schoolyard bully beating at its finest, except the bully in question happened to be 280lbs of pure muscle throwing frying pan-sized fists into another man's face with furious anger. Mir's face looked like he'd been hit by fifteen Mack trucks before the ref stopped the fight, awarding Brock the victory. Brock then talked shit to the hamburger-faced Mir, as shown above.

Brock then proceeded to cut the greatest wrestling heel interview since Ric Flair, giving double middle fingers to the crowd, stating that he wouldn't drink Bud Light "because they don't pay me enough" (Bud Light is the major sponsor of UFC, and Brock saying this made UFC president Dana White very, very angry) and finishing the interview by saying "I'm gonna go get on top of my wife tonight." This, by the way, is his wife, better known to you and me as the WWF's Sable:

Marc Mero was found crying in his botox.

For those of you who didn't see UFC 100, run, do not walk, to your nearest cable box/torrent site and watch this in its entirety. If you love face-punching, SEXYAMA and violence (and if you don't, you probably aren't reading this post), you'll love UFC 100.

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