Thursday, July 23, 2009
at 1:53 PM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
For those of you that haven't taken the Brad Delp route of killing yourself with a pellet stove, many of you may realize that the Red Sox, who had occupied first place for the vast majority of the season, are now two fucking games behind the dreaded Yankees. Sadly, this hasn't been a case of "the Sox have been playing great, but the Yankees are just on a roll." Nay, rather the Sox have shit the bed against such star pitchers as Marc Rzepczynski, Dustin Nippert and Tommy Hunter, the latter I'm almost positive were villains in episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger.
Luckily, Great Yahweh Theo made two brilliant moves yesterday, addressing the team's weakness of having far too many lily-white players who spent 15 minutes per at bat fouling off pitches before taking a called third strike with two runners in scoring position. Yes, our White Knights have arrived in Adam LaRoche (hitting .250 this year against NL pitching) and Chris Duncan (who was demoted to AAA by the Cardinals prior to getting traded). Except, you know, the exact opposite. Fuck a tortoise.
No, these Red Sox clearly need to make a MUCH bigger splash before the impending trade deadline awaits, especially given their loaded farm system and a mediocre sixth starter (Penny) who sucker teams are apparently clamoring for. The AL this year looks easier to take than Christy Canyon's um...Canyon, especially for a team so rich in pitching as the Sox. All that the Sox need to do is find some guys who can hit the fucking baseball once in a while, knock in the occasional runner, and generally not make guys like Mark Rshzhszjxhcski look like Sandy fucking Koufax. Thankfully, the Sox also have a few positions (shortstop, third base, catcher, DH) that are open for an upgrade. That said, here is my Amazon Wish List of guys the Sox should trade the sun and moon for:
1) Victor Martinez - So he plays catcher and can move to first, hits for average and power, knocks in runs, his team can't afford him, and he's apparently a great clubhouse guy. WHY THE FUCK IS HE NOT ON THE RED SOX? Trade Buchholz, trade Lars "The Impaler" Anderson, trade Penny, trade whatever 16-year-old Dominican who's real age is closer to 39 - I don't give a fuck. Pull out any and all stops to obtain this man, lock him up to a long-term contract, and make Varitek the Tom Berenger-esque "grizzled backup catcher who never plays and fucks people's wives." This needs to happen NOW.
Mark Teahen - Teahen's a good hitter currently stuck behind not-quite-living-up-to-his-potential prospect Alex Gordon, so the Sox could probably get him for a song. Teahen does everything well and nothing spectacular, and would allow Youk to move back to first. He may not be the sexiest pickup, but he makes a helluva lot more sense for the Sox than Chris fucking Duncan.
3) Magglio Ordonez - Yes, I know the Tigers are in first place, but they're also hemmhoraging money and are in a city where basically everyone has lost their job. Even in their current standing, they're looking to unload salary, and Ordonez, with another $8m or so due this season (with his contract up at the end of the year), would bring a Manny-esque pop back to a Sox lineup that needs it. And while I know people will point to his poor start, Ordonez-watchers know that he's a MUCH better second-half hitter, and has a 1.031 OPS since the All-Star break. Moreover, the Tigers would probably be more willing to take cash and a lower-level prospect rather than one of the Sox' big guns. I don't know if the Tigers would be willing to deal him, but it makes financial sense and he's at least worth kicking the tires on.
4) Orlando Cabrera - The A's are clearly done this year, and have the most desirable (and available) shortstop of all the shitty teams in the league. Seriously, I checked, and the other SS options on out-of-it teams are horrid or not nearly worth the price (yes Jhonny Peralta, that means you and by the way, SPELL YOUR NAME RIGHT ASSHOLE). Cabrera can at least get on base, hit a little bit, and has fantastic range for the position. Otherwise, he's everything that Julio Lugo was not. Not to mention the array of fantastic handshakes. While Billy Beane (not the gay one) will be asking for the moon on Matt Holliday, I think his price on someone like Cabrera may be a bit more reasonable. Oh, and it also doesn't hurt that the Sox are in DESPERATE need of SS. Do you trust Nick Green and a rehabbed Jed Lowrie for the rest of the season? Yeah, didn't think so.
5) Hank Blalock - Granted, he doesn't get on base a ton, but the dude can smack the ball out of the park, something the Sox are in need of this year. With Michael Young at third and Andruw Jones looking somewhat not-dead this year, Blalock is a man without a position in Texas, which, coincidentally, is in serious need of some arms. This would also allow Texas to bring up uberprospect Justin Smoak, which they've been dying to do. Would you do a Penny for Blalock (and maybe a lower-level prospect) trade? I sure would. His contract is also up at the end of the year, which could mean an additional draft pick for the Sox when he leaves.