Friday, July 17, 2009
at 9:45 AM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
Fun story kids: When ol' GHABB'Y was 12 years old, the X Games first graced our national landscape. GHABB,Y, not being the wise soul he currently is, decided, upon viewing said X Games, to build a bike ramp at the end of his driveway. Initial results were positive, with much flying (quite hard for a fat kid) and glee. However, GHABB,Y met his demise on a fateful Sunday afternoon, when he crashed coming down off of said bike ramp, departing from his newly-fixed bicycle into a unwielding rock, fracturing four bones in his back in the process. In the ensuing 14 years (do the math kids) yours truly has endured much in the way of back pain, spasms, and general unpleasantness.
One such bout of back agony (or back-gony) has occurred recently, rendering your beloved scribe into a veritable cripple, and causing benevolent members of the medical profession to shoot me full of novocain (it's not just for dentist's offices anymore!) and bestowing upon me many pills of the painkilling and muscle relaxing variety, which I have ingested with the quickness. Not wanting to spare you any entertainment at the expense of my misery, I am taking this opportunity to liveblog a recently downloaded episode of WWF Superstars, dated August 15, 1987:
1:38: We're here live (well nearly 20 years later) from the Dane County Expo Center in lovely Madison, Wisconsin. Today marks the debut of the much-heralded Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase, who is shown being driven in by his slav...uh, "manservant" Virgil. Bringing you the action in their bright red blazers are Vince McMahon, Bruno Sammartino and Jesse "Not Yet Governor" Ventura.
2:25: Also in action today will be the Macho Man Randy Savage with the lovely Elizabeth (dead), "new" Women's champion Sherri Martell (dead) and Jake "the Snake" Roberts (I have no idea how he's not dead yet). This could be a depressing show.
3:04: Quoteth McMahon, "If I were the Macho Man, I'd enjoy the view (of Elizabeth) from the front, back or side." Thanks Vince, you fucking perv. That said, Liz was responsible for many a billion dead sperm in the '80s. Seriously, that woman was STUNNING. Macho will be facing Steve Lombardi, better known to you and I as the "Brooklyn Brawler," and best known to Pat Patterson as his power bottom.
4:50: Elizabeth is the only manager apparently who doesn't want to manage the incoming "hottest property in professional wrestling," Bam Bam Bigelow. Man I used to love how the WWF would hype incoming wrestlers, only to have them lose quickly to Hogan and spend the rest of their contract buried in the midcard. That said, Liz might've been better off managing Bam Bam, as he probably wouldn'tve locked her in closets and beat her up like her husband.
6:34: Shocker, Macho Man beat Lombardi with the flying elbow. When I was a kid, the flying elbow was the craziest fucking move imaginable, and now, in the days of Jeff Hardy trying to kill himself nightly, that move would not even get a minimal reaction from crowds. Ah, youth.
9:50: UPDATE with Craig DeGeorge. He and WWF President Jack Tunney are appalled at the One Man Gang laying out dozens of wimpys with his shitty front suplex. I'm personally appalled that the One Man Gang couldn't put down a cheeseburger. One Man Gang got fined $10,000 for his misdeeds, or $10 billion 1987 dollars. Slick, the Doctor of Style and Bachelor of Racial Stereotypes) was not pleased. One Man Gang would later become Akeem, and pretend he's a black guy while dancing and wearing a map of Africa on his back.
10:45: Mike Kaplan of Epic Records is pimping "Piledriver" the Wrestling Album. Holy shit! This was my favorite album EVER, aside from "Sports" by Huey Lewis and the News.
11:20: Sherri Martell wants to be known as "Sensational Sherri." The coroner currently knows her as "drug overdose victim 47483938." She's wrestling someone in a purple leotard, so you can guess who wins. Thank god though, because I bet there was some wild 80's bush going on in this match.
13:37: We get to hear from the French commentary team on Sensational Sherri's match. I think they said something about baguettes and dijonaisse. Sherri wins with a flying body press.
15:07: Ricky Steamboat is facing the Honky Tonk Man...at a house show in Madison Square Garden sometime in August of 1987. Tickets on sale at the Garden Box Office! God Steamboat's headband was so fucking cool.
16:50: We see a live band playing the Honky Tonk Man's song "Honka Honka Burning Love" in front of a clearly planted crowd. This was Honky's second-best song, farrrr behind "Cool, Cocky, Bad." Honky says awful things about Elvis, which is shocking, because he owes his entire look to the King.
18:15: HONKY PLAYS COOL COCKY BAD LIVE ON STAGE. This is the greatest television show ever.
19:30: Jake "The Snake" against some fat dude named Dave Wagner. Today's WWE needs more wimpy guys whose sole job is to look awful in spandex and get their ass kicked. Also, there's a 97.9% chance that Roberts is high as fuck during this match, so that's fun.
20:20: Evil Referee Danny Davis says via a cut-in that "if I were still referee, Jake the Snake wouldn't have a snake." Is that a sexual reference? Where's Pat Patterson when you need him? Howard Finkel also reminds us via voiceover that the WWF will be appearing at the Red Bank Regional High School Gym, sponsored by the Jersey Shore Pop Warner Football League. Nikolai Volkoff will be there, so get your tickets now, or, uh, 20 years ago.
22:30: Ruh-roh, Jake's taking Damien out of the bag! Vince notes that "he's even bigger than I remembered." Did I forget how gay the WWF used to be?
24:23: Speaking of gay, we have a Brutus the Barber Beefcake interview. He notes that the Million Dollar Man "thinks everyone can be bought, like dirt." When I think of things I can purchase with my monetary stipends, dirt is not the first thing I think of.
25:50: Jesse informs Luscious Johnny V that he's not going to be the manager for Bam Bam Bigelow. Strangely, Luscious Johnny V is not dead, though I had to look it up. Sadly, Dino Bravo, who is in the next match, is.
27:03: Dino Bravo is wearing Canadian Flag tights, except the maple leaf is really small and located directly on his rectum. It looks like he passed a maple leaf-shaped hemmhoroid or something. Not flattering.
27:45: Of course, since we have French-Canadian Dino Bravo in the ring, we of course hear the....Spanish announcer team? They mention Tito Santana, because, well, he's Mexican I guess.?
29:09: Forgot to mention that Dino Bravo was teaming with Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. I forgot to mention it because Greg Valentine was possibly the most boring wrestler of the 1980s, and the mere sight of him puts me into full REM sleep. Bravo and Valentine beat their wimpys, if you weren't sure.
30:55: Interview with Bobby Heenan and Ravishing Rick Rude. I really couldn't pay attention, as Rude's mustache was just too distracting.
33:03: Rick Martel appears, and you know he's a good guy because he smiles and pumps his fists a lot. He's about to beat Barry Horowitz, the greatest Jewish wrestler ever. Sadly, Horowitz doesn't pat himself on the back, nor is he wearing a jacket with a handprint on the back.
34:50: Horowitz becomes the first wimpy on the entire show to go on offense. Of course, Martel cuts him off immediately and wins, because he's an anti-Semite. He's also apparently an anti-Samoaite, as the Islanders come in and beat the shit out of Martel. I'd like to point out now how frigging great all the Samoan wrestlers were. They were fat, wore floral print tights, never wore shoes, and just beat people fucking senseless.
37:38: Bruno Sammartino talked like his tongue was stung by bees. How in hell was this guy champion for so long? Also, more pimping of "Piledriver," as if it needed to be pimped.
38:35: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. We had a segment with the British Bulldogs, who were trying to "prove" that their pet bulldog Matilda actually would give them advice during matches. The camera then cut to Matilda, while we heard a midget voiceover say "headbutt Dynamite." Words cannot explain how hysterical that was.
41:08: Ted DiBiase makes his much-awaited debut, but firsts asks black children to grovel for the $100 bills in his hands. Fun fact - DiBiase's "Million Dollar Man" character was actually written by and based on Vince McMahon, who fancied himself something of a Million Dollar Man himself. DiBiase won in less than a minute with something that was NOT the Million Dollar Dream sleeper.
43:40: Next week we'll see Kamala, Ken Patera and the Birdman Koko B. Ware. If there is a God, Koko will sing "Piledriver." And with that Vince and his red blazer sign off. But you know who doesn't sign off? My happy pills!