Monday, July 6, 2009

Out Damn'd Spot!


Furthering the Celtic' tradition of signing Old Guys Who Were Once Lockeroom Cancers (see: Starbury, Mikki Moore, Sam Cassell), the C's went out and signed Rasheed Wallace to a two-year contract for the midlevel exception. While I hope Rasheed succeeds in Boston (best case - he gives KG and Pierce some much-needed rest, is a three-point shooting threat off the bench and is on his best behavior with the refs), I can't help but see the following Rasheed Facts as GIANT BLARING NEON SIGNS that this most recent acquisition could end poorly:

*Will turn 35 in September.

*Set an NBA record with 38 technical fouls in 1999-2000, then topped it again the next year with 41.

*Shot 41.9% from the field last year, worst of his career. Also pretty much refuses to go in the paint (or even inside the three-point line), despite the fact that he's 6-11.

*Busted for smoking pot in Portland with noted brain surgeon Damon Stoudamire.

*Has this on his head.
*Said that David Stern "only drafts n---- who are dumb and dumber." Regularly refers to Stern as "Little Napoleon."

*Tried to fight referee Tim Donaghy in the parking lot after a game (now seen as less egregious in hindsight due to Donaghy's mob ties).

*Referred to teammate Darko Milicic as "a Serbian gangster. “Darko’s got some bodies back there (in Serbia-Montenegro). He can go psycho on guys."

*Arrested for disorderly conduct while in a custody dispute over a child he fathered with one Chiquita Bryant.

*Impregnated a woman named Chiquita Bryant.

*Referred to the league's technical foul policy as "retarded" and "kind of like a slave and master."

*Reportedly asked for a buyout last year from the playoff-bound Pistons so he could join their division rival Cavs.

Granted, Sheed is also the guy who termed the phrase "Ball Don't Lie" and who bought WWF championship belts for all of his Piston teammates, but still, I'm more than slightly alarmed by this signing, not to mention the rumored pursuit of Grant Hill. Is stocking up on washed out vets and pissing off the starting point guard really the best way to compete with Orlando and Cleveland next year?

4 comments:

ballamiguel said...

What the hell IS that on 'Sheed's head? Did he walk under a guy painting a house?

SmartyBarrett said...

He's like a taller, uglier Sebastian Telfair.

Boatdrinks said...

Why oh why? I heard the rumor on the weekend and thought "can't wait for Ghabby to weigh in."
And let's piss off Rajon Rondo just as he is getting his stride. Great plan guys.

ballamiguel said...

Which of the following sacrifices will 'Sheed hate the most while a member of the Celtics?

A) His minutes. He's never averaged less than 27 MPG.

B) His soon-to-be-purchased plethora of green headbands. I can totally see Rondo fishing through RW's locker for a fresh one, right out of the bag. He's sneaky like that.

C) His 3pt looks. Ray Ray, House, Pierce, RW, Scal, Rondo (if he has 20 ft of space)...perhaps G-Hill too? Are we the 2009 Magic all of a sudden?

D) Oxygen. 'Sheed definitely needs some to bark at referees at least 5x per game, but Mr. Ticket obviously takes up quite a bit to psyche up the crowd to "Garden Level", to organize the defense on every possession, to drop Mother F-Bombs as he sees fit, etc.