Friday, July 10, 2009

If I Looked Like Brock Lesnar...

As many of you know, UFC 100 is taking place Saturday. At the top of the card is UFC Heavyweight Champion (and former WWE wrestler) Brock Lesnar, who will maul Frank Mir on Saturday like a lion raping a bunny. There are many things about Lesnar I love - his marriage to Sable, his ability to throw 80-pound heavy bags in the air as part of his workout, the fact that he trains like Rocky in Russia - but the thing that impressed me most about Lesnar is how ABSOLUTELY JACKED the dude is. The guy has muscles on top of muscles. No homo. To celebrate his impending victory, I present to you a list of things I would do if I had the build of Brock Lesnar. Again, no homo:

*Pick up cars that are in parking spaces I want and move them into a tow zone.

*Climb to the top of the Empire State Building and fight planes while beating my chest.

*Bend cast-iron frying pans in half if the chef puts onions in my food.

*Replicate this picture:
*Obtain a blue ox and start chopping down entire forests.

*Demand a raise at work, and if my boss doesn't give it to me, pick up his desk and hold it above his head until he agrees to pay me millions of dollars.

*Run for Governor of California and win.

*Get a tattoo of a butterfly on my lower back and dare people to make fun of it.

*Fight a lion AND a bear in a handicap match and win.

*Carry around a vending machine as my beer cooler.

*Crush miniature replicas of Tokyo.

*Challenge Magnus ver Magnusson to a (full) keg throwing contest.

*Steal Kristen Bell from that douche Dax Shephard by simply picking her up and saying "she is mine now."

*Do a diving board cannonball that so huge that it causes floods in four states.

*Walk around with a posse of midgets painted blue who will make me look even more ginormous in comparison.

*Dunk on Shaq.

*Re-conquer the Ottoman Empire.

*Solve a Rubik's cube.

*Release an album of sexy tunes.


ballamiguel said...

"Frank Mir had a horseshoe up his ass, so I pulled it out and beat him over the head w/it."

And then he apologized. What a sissy.

Oz said...

... you wouldn't have diabetes.

Luminous Views Photography Artist said...

that was the funniest thing in a long time...