Friday, July 24, 2009

Drunk Liveblog: 1988 WWF Superstars

Due to the overwhelming reaction of last week's pilled-out WWF Superstars (and by "overwhelming reaction" I mean Shaun saying "awesome" and a bunch of dudes on my wrestling message board saying "that was pretty funny, now fuck off Troll") I bring back to you another inebriated review of an old WWF Superstars episode, this one dated Octoter 22, 1988. Tonight's co-stars include the four Strongbows already digested and another four-pack beside me, a wonderful cornucopia of painkillers and muscle relaxers, and a Chicken Kabob salad from Giovanni's. Mmmm Giovanni's dressing. It truly is God's seminal fluid.

00:27: We're live from the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum in Fort Wayne Indiana, with your hosts Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura (wearing a Jesse Ventura t-shirt - self advertising is a wonderful thing). Shocked that the War Memorial Coliseum in Fort Wayne wasn't otherwise booked. Tonight Brother Love will have Hulk Hogan, Jake Roberts (we can't get away from him, can we?), King Haku, the (wanna be Road Warriors) Powers of Pain, and not-so-black Akeem.

2:16: King Haku, accompanied by Bobby the Brain, is ready to face David Isley, one of the less-successful Isley Brothers. Heenan asks us to show respect to king Haku, but given that most of the people in Indiana couldn't pronounce "Haku" if spotted the "aku," no respect was given. Still, I miss the "King" gimmicks. It also should be noted that Haku was widely recognized as the toughest wrestler ever, which parlayed him into his current job as a...used car salesman. BUY A CAR FROM ME OR I WILL END YOU. No credit? HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM.

5:10: King Haku defeated the White Isley Brother with an offense consisting entirely of KICKING HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD OFTEN. There's something about an angry Samoan man in a purple crown that makes me wistful. Wistful for another Strongbow that is! That's #5 on the night.

6:10: And now it's on to Brother Love. Never has a sunburn taken a man so far. Love reminds us that he "LOOOOOOVES YOUUUU." Love introduces Hulk Hogan as a man that has "no love." No love for non-injectable steroids and wives that aren't batshit crazy, not to mention wildly untalented daughters with Adam's Apples, sure.

8:27: Hogan flexes (his only real talent) and is referred to as "Brother Hulkster," something that no black man has ever called him. I should note that this is the period when Hogan temporarily ceded the title to Randy Savage, before raping Elizabeth in the puckering ruby starfruit and taking back the title. At least that's how I remember it.

9:30: Brother Love brings out his "protection" from Hogan, the Big Bossman. Sadly, the Bossman could not be protected from heart disease, as he died. Bossman's manager, Slick, could also not be protected from the perils of Soul Glow. Hulk notes that Slick could be "singing the Hulkamania prison blues." Yeah, kinda like Hulk's son 20 years later.

11:16: Bossman hits Hogan in the throat with his Billy Club, and Slick sprays him with Soul Glow. Hulk is then handcuffed to a guardrail that just magically appeared, and receives a further beating. For those of us that hated Hulk back in the day, this shit was glorious. It's currently glorious for Linda Bollea, as she collects alimony checks.

12:50: Hulk still mounts a comeback despite being handcuffed. Why? Because god forbid they make Hogan look vulnerable for a second, because such a thing would "make money." This made me drink Strongbow #6 in disgust.

13:10: And suddenly we cut to Tito Santana vs. Pork Chop Cash. Pork Chop looks like every homeless guy you've ever seen in Times Square selling knockoff Oakleys. I suspect Chico Santana will win, and then do something stereotypically Mexican.

15:03: Pork Chop has the most horrific looking scar on his back ever. It's like a back vagina. In fact, you could probably hide an actual pork chop inside of his scar. Tito beats him with the flying crossbody in roughly 4.2 seconds. At least Manny Fernandez had the gall to call his finisher the "Flying Burrito." Tito just called his "something you never saw at Wrestlemania."

16:18: Event Center with Sean Mooney. And we have an Ultimate Warrior promo! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Let me transcribe this brilliance, because Warrior promos are even more hysterical when completely out of context (question marks pertaining to logic holes added by me):

Think what you may, think whatever you like, but this package didn't put his things in a bag (?) and walk out no front door (?).

I was sitting in a castle (?), from a place long from here, sent for one reason: To attack, and keep coming(?), not to ask, but not to give (?), not not to want, but just to sin (?).

Sin the power of the Warrior (?), down everybody's throat (?) in the WWF until they become
sick of it!(?). Well you're gonna get sick of it, because this freak of nature right here is just beginning to swell (?).

When I get big enough brother (?), there ain't gonna be room for anybody else, but me and all the Warriors, floatin' through the veins and the powahhh of the Warriahhh! * (?)
*snorts* (?).

WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? This guy was so batshit insane, and yet as a six year old, I hung on that fucker's every word. But holy shit, whatever that guy was on, I want ten of them.

20:30: Bobby Heenan introduces two new members of the Heenan Family, Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson, the Brainbusters! These guys were AWESOME IN EVERY WAY. They should defeat two wimps with their hairy chests and the VD they shared with Ric Flair as members of the Horsemen.

21:50: Did Arn Anderson ever have a non-receding hairline? Jesse notes that Tully used to be a high school quarterback, and didn't happen to mention that both of them were FUCKING HORSEMEN and therefore part of the greatest assemblage of human being ever, including Jesus' disciples. Arn does the spinebuster, Tully does the slingshot suplex, and I do the Balki Dance of Joy in my room.

23:40: Update with Mean Gene, pimping the Survivor Series, which takes place on Thanksgiving Night. Jesus, if there were wrestling PPVs on Thanksgiving night nowadays, I'd never have to talk to my extended relatives. Instead, I have awkward moments with them while they remark "my how you've grown" when they're actually thinking "Jesus Christ, you've gotten even fatter." Also, I want Mean Gene Okerlund to oversee my wedding. In fact, HZMLS should tell his wife-to-be that they're making an abrupt change, and that Mean Gene will oversee the proceedings instead of some child molester. And Mean Gene's Burgers should be served at the reception. Make it happen HZMLS!

26:40: HEBREW HERO BARRY HOROWITZ. And he even patted himself on the back, because, well, that's what Jews apparently do. Sadly, he's slated to lose to Jake the Snake, who shakes his head violently pre-match, ostensibly to get the crack out of his brain.

27:12: Piss pause. I should note this: When sober, I can pee anywhere except the toilet. Seriously, I turn the area around the toilet into Lake GHABB,Y. My girlfriend is understandably disgusted, especially if she walks barefoot into a puddle of my urine. But after seven Strongbows? I'm a penile marksman, hitting my spots like Robin Hood with a crossbow. All the more reason to drink combatively kids.

29:20: Jake beat Horowitz with the DDT. Barry had a total of two offensive moves in the match: one punch and one elbow. I think that can be qualified as a hate crime, especially the part where Jake lays a Python all over Horowitz. You know who used to lay pythons named Damien all over Jews? The Nazis. You're a Nazi Jake Roberts. I hope you can sleep at night.

31:19: More Mean Gene, pimping the WWF Magazine. He shows a clip of Hacksaw Duggan arguing with Dino Bravo on last week's Brother Love show. Hacksaw says "Love It or Leave It" to the Canadian Bravo, inspiring a young Toby Keith. Hacksaw then gives an interview, which is missing roughly 40 chromosomes. Southerners wonder why us Northerners mock blatant Patriotism, but they honestly should point their finger at the moderately retarded Hacksaw Jim Duggan. He ruined it for us.

35:50: White Akeem dancing black! YES! Hakeem wears an African headpiece, gyrates repeatedly, and wears a dashiki with a map of Africa on the back..and oh yeah, he's a fat white guy. How did Jesse Jackson not get all over this shit? Slick notes that he turned down Sugar Ray Leonard to manage Akeem, which, after watching The Contender, may have been a wise move. Akeem does Fat Guy Moves, moonwalks horribly, and beats Some Guy.

36:10 Akeem dances to Jive Soul Bro, the greatest song ever. You disagree? Watch the video:
Jive Soul Bro. By Slick

37:15: A MR. PERFECT SKIT! This time, Mr. Perfect is golfing, and...just a guess...he's gonna golf PERFECTLY. He lines up a 40 foot putt...and it's in the hole! Then he flips the ball on his club, and makes me wildly jealous.

39:12: The Powers of Pain continue to rip off the Road Warriors by facing two wimpy guys and doing shitty strength moves. This is before they hooked up with Mr. Fuji and instead were managed by "The Baron," who dressed as the Grim Reaper. Seriously, anyone who saw the Roadies would realize what a horrific ripoff the Powers of Pain were. Fuck, they even stole their hairstyles and facepaint. Terrible. Because they couldn't wrestle for shit, this match lasted maybe a minute and a half. Warlord at least gets points for having a multi-colored reverse mohawk, which must've gone over great with the ladies.

42:55: More EVENT CENTER pimping for the Survivor Series. Andre the Giant is co-captaining a team with...Dino Bravo? Really? A fantastic Jake Roberts promo thankfully saved what otherwise would've been a horrible advertisement. Jake's team has Ken Patera, Hacksaw Duggan and Tito Santana, otherwise known as "guys who probably lost quickly." Call your local pay-per-view company for pay-per-view availability because, well, it was 1988, and only like three cable systems in the US actually had pay-per-view capability.

44;50: Next week we'll have angry black man Bad News Brown, the Honky Tonk Man, and an update on the status of Hulk Hulk Hogan. Spoiler Alert: Hulk survived.


Shaun said...

1. Nancy Grace and Hulk Hogan should have a cage match where the winner is decided by biggest penis. We'd finally see Hulk job.

2. The hell with Superstars, just get your alcoholic beverages and queue up some Warrior promos. Then have your girlfriend run over you with her lawnmowers and her rocket fuel loaded spaceships.

GHABB,Y~! said...

No way, I've heard that if you watch three Warrior promos in a row, you grow an embolism in your head the size of a quarter.

And Superstars was fun for because of all the wimp squashes. Wrestling needs more "Sid Powerbombing 120-pound guys" and "Yokozuna caving in jobbers' chests," and not the 484393830th boring-ass Orton-Hunter-Cena match in a row.

Jamison said...

Dude, how high was your sugar after all those Strongbows?

boxcar willy said...

As a counterpoint to the Hogan/Bossman beating, you should review the episode where Bossman gets handcuffed and beat up by Nailz.

Or the one where Bossman retrieved the Million Dollar Belt that Jake the Snake had stolen, only to give it back to Jake when he found out DiBiase paid Slick for Bossman's services. Bossman as a face never worked for me.