Tuesday, July 7, 2009

2009 Celtics Summer League: Now With More Ginger Balls


The annual NBA Summer League season is a perverse joy for basketball junkies such as myself, where players I haven't heard from in years magically end up donning practice jerseys of NBA teams that they'll never play for, while I repeatedly say "wait, he's still alive?" at my television screen. Good times are had by all. And this year's Summer League is no different, with the most star-crossed Summer League entry coming from your very own Celtics. Has-beens and never-weres dot the C's Summer League Roster, including the likes of Michael Sweetney, Coby Karl and Darius Washington. And oh yeah, this guy:


Now that you've visited your office eyewash station, I can tell you that the above pictured freakshow is one Robert Swift, formerly the apple of Danny Ainge's eye and most recently the sampler of multiple varieties of pine throughout the NBA. Swift entered the NBA with much hype, backing out of a scholarship to USC (and the corresponding Bentley that comes with it) to enter the NBA, where he was drafted by the Sonics before Danny Ainge could sweep him up. Swift had all the tools - size (a legit 7-1), an outside game, and a great deal of Chad Ford's patented "upside."

Unfortunately, that all went to shit.


It may have been the multiple knee ligament tears over the course of four years, it might have been his Popeye Jones-level ugliness, and it may have been his Josh Hamilton pre-08 propensity to cover his pasty skin in ugly tattoos, but, all parties involved can agree that Robert Swift's NBA experiment has worked out at the level of Steve-O's rap career. He played a grand total of 97 games in four seasons, averaging a blistering 4.3 points and 3.9 rebounds in each of those glorious contests. He has never played more than 47 games in one season, and has two years of less than 16 games. Those stats may not be bad for some D-League retreat, but for the 12th pick in the 2004 draft, they're dreadful. Oh, and the C's, after seeing Swift taken ahead of them in that draft, "settled" on some high school kid named Al Jefferson. So yeah, bullet motherfucking DODGED. Thank God Rafael Araujo was off the board by that time too.


However, post-heart attack Danny Ainge (who apparently contracted the retard gene in his heart surgery) has decided to give Swifty another chance at redemption, naming him to the C's 2009 Summer League squad along with the aforementioned Sweetney and Karl, as well as legitimate prospects Lester Hudson, J.R. Giddens and Bill Walker.

The C's Orlando Summer League squad debuted yesterday, and, to the shock of everyone, Swift didn't exactly play like gangbusters. His stat line: 21 minutes, four points, three rebounds and one bone-headed three-seconds call. Center of the future kids!

Thankfully, Swift's Dwight Howard-esque output was aided by bang-up performances by Hudson (11 points in 19 minutes), Walker (14 points) and Nick Fazekas (13 points, five boards). The C's took an early 34-2 lead over the "Jazz" (featuring SmartyBarrett man-crush Jimmy Baron) in both teams' initial Summer League foray, and didn't look back, coasting to a 87-56 win. You may credit Walker or Fazekas, but I know who the true hero of yesterday's win was: Ginger Balls Swift, Praying Center of the Future.

4 comments:

Boatdrinks said...

A cross of Danny Bonaduce and Carrottop and that snow boarder Tomato head or whatever is never a good look.

jennycupcakes said...

And how the hell did I know it was Ghabby who wrote this article before I even read the end????

taffalady said...

i think that all of you are completely ridiculous. first of all why dont you post pictures of yourselves up here and let the whole of america pick you apart. its easy to be the one on the other side butwhat have you done with your life lately, while hes out there making more money than you will see in your career, obviously hes doing something right no doubt. he might be unorthodox and not look like your next door neighbor but in comparison to the league hes one of the more normal ones and no 7 footer has looked better in uniform. i think all of you should compare notes and join together to actually talk sports about someones career rather than hate on what they look like and chose to do with their body and their money that you will never see. if you compare the stats against other free agents you would see why *almost every other blog and reporter has named him in the top 3 free agent picks this year. hes off injury and he held up the summer team, hes a vet on the court and hes only 24, so if you can manage to pull your head out from the unfortunate places its been wedged into then you might be able to create more accurate stories and not come off so ridiculous.

ballamiguel said...

Well I thought it was very informative and entertaining.