Monday, June 15, 2009

You're Kidding, Right?

Every time I think of why Mass Hysteria was started in the first place, I in part think of people like this.

Someone who calls himself "Josh D." (the D presumably stands for douchebag, dolt, doofus, dickhead, or dingus) emailed Boston Dirt Dogs the following, RE: yesterday's Sox game. And I quote ([sic]'s not included):

"What a dump of a performance yesterday. Beckett looked like absolute crap, Francona decided to give players 2 days off. Were we out partying last night? For the kind of money we pay these players, the only thing on their minds should have been PUMMELING the Phillies at all costs Sunday and finish them off with a demoralizing sweep. Champions FIND a PATH and DEMORALIZE their opponents with sweeps."

Wow. Where do I begin?

*deep breath*

Dear Josh D.,

1. You're exactly the type of fan that sometimes makes me feel embarrassed to cheer for the Sox. Whenever I think about putting on my Bay or Beckett or throwback Marty Barrett jersey outside of New England, I think of people like you, and wonder whether outsiders will look at me as a Sox fan and think I'm as big of an idiot as you sir. You're the kind of space-shot that expects the Sox to win every damn game, and irrationally flips out when they don't. Not to say I or any other fan DOESN'T want them to win every game, but be realistic you jackass. And in case you didn't realize, the Sox are 9-3 in June, and they have played ALL FIRST PLACE TEAMS. I'm including the Yankees in that because they were in first when the series against them began. ...I'm sorry, what's that? Yan-KEES suck? Yeah, go play in traffic, asshole. Take a step back, look at the big picture and chill the fuck out.

2. Beckett looked like absolute crap, eh Josh Doucheface? Well if you actually watched the game instead of drinkin' bee-ahhs while watching midget porn, you'd know that he pitched...meh. I wouldn't classify it as "absolute crap." He ran into some bad luck in terms of some hits falling in where no one was, and he made some good pitches that just got hit. That's what the Phillies can do, you fucking moron. I guess his 0.76 ERA, 0.76 WHIP, and nearly 3/1 K/BB ratio in his previous 5 starts wasn't good enough for you, you ungrateful prick.

3. Oh wow, criticizing Francona, that's a new one. "Oh no, he gave two guys days off even though the Sox have an off-day today?!?! What a bad manager!" Die. Seriously, just die. Let's see who he gave the days off to. Jason Varitek. What was he out partying? HAHAHAHAHAHA no. He caught a 13-inning game Friday night and then, due to a rain delay, was behind the plate until after 12:30 AM Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sunday's game started at 1:30 PM. DOOD WHY CAN'T HE SUCK IT UP? I bet you're over 300 pounds, Josh Dickhole, and you have no idea what this so-called "physical activity" is, short of fist-fucking your dog. Who got the other day off? Dustin Pedroia, who is 2 for his last 28. And Josh Dumbass, I can tell you're exactly the type of fucktard who would be flipping a shit if Pedroia played, went 0 for 4, and the Sox lost the game. WHAAAT DA FACK IS FRANCOHHMA DOOOWIN? WHY DID HE STAAAHHT PUH-DROYAAAHH? And by the fucking way, Varitek's replacement George Kotteras reached base 3 times and scored a pair of runs. And take your pick as to who Pedroia's replacement was: Julio Lugo reached base 4 times, scored a run and knocked in a run, and Nick Green went 3 for 5 with a homer and an RBI. THE LINEUP YOU'RE BASHING SCORED SIX GODDAMN RUNS!

4. "With the kind of money we pay these players..." You sound like you're 80 years old. Seriously. Why don't you just say "I remember when Jim Rice and the other negroes used to play 162 games and they liked it!" CHAMPIONS FIND A PATH blah blah blah this is just COMPLETE nonsense. You're a fucking terrible fan and probably a terrible person. Kindly fuck off and die.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

/standing ovation

Couldn't agree more. Yes, you retard Dirt Dogger -- let's get rid of the manager who has won two World Series here after the team hadn't won since NINETEEN FUCKING EIGHTEEN A.D. because he rested Jason Varitek in a game in June.

Some amplifications:

(1) Baseball players don't get weekends off. YOU try working for 14-20 straight days, half of which are on the road -- see how you hold up, assmunch.

(2) The greatest single-season winningest team in baseball history won just about 2/3 of its games. How many games did the Sox win against the DEFENDING WORLD CHAMPION PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES???? Two-thirds.

After back-to-back series sweeps.

I actually disagree with you, Smarty. The bag of dicks would be too good for "analysts" of this ilk. (I'm looking at you, WEEI callers.) I'm thinking something more along the lines of "bag of fermented afterbirth" or "bag of warm pus-covered maggots".

ballamiguel said...

Just when I want to find this Josh D-hole and knock out his fat ass into tomorrow, MH always seem to make me say "Nah, he got served already." Well done.

Smarty obviously did a Google image search for "stupid red sox fan" on the first picture. It was the very first image that comes up.

HZMLS said...

SmartyBarrett said...

At least I was courteous enough to pick out a casket for him.

Stanley Cup of Chowder said...

This proves my theory that the most ignorant fans are always the ones that refer to their favorite team as "we".

Boatdrinks said...

Dude, did you ever think of having your team HOT at the end of September, so they actually beat other teams in the playoffs? For that to happen, the team actually has to be alive, and not severely injured or burnt out. Days off work for me.