Friday, June 12, 2009

Wrestlers of Yore: Ric Flair


When I first started these "Wrestler of Yore" tributes, my Great White Whale was always Ric Flair. I had already written a 173-page tribute to Flair, otherwise known as my "college thesis," which received an A+++++ for and is still revered through the halls of a particular rent-a-college on the North Shore. I once offered to write a Flair tribute for the Leitch-era Deadspin, but received an "uh, thanks but no thanks" from Will. I've always wanted to sit down and write a tribute to the greatest man who has ever lived for all the interwebz to read. The problem, obviously, has been how to express my admiration for Flair in a concise enough manner that would actually be read by a worldwide (okay, maybe just a few friends) audience without the dreaded "too long, didn't read" response. How do I succinctly express his greatness?

And then it hit me.

Who is the one person Flair, in his illustrious career, has never beaten? Who is widely revered by mankind as much as I revere Flair? Who is universally respected by the unwashed masses as the "World's Greatest Man?"

Jesus Christ.

That's right, in the BATTEL to end all BATTELS, this Mass Hysteria shall pit the great Ric Flair, the Jet-flyin, Limousine-ridin, Kiss-stealin, Wheelin-dealin WHOOOO Naitch-a-Boy against the "Son of God," Jesus Christo. Who is the Deadliest Warrior?



BATTEL 1: BIRTH

Jesus: Coincidentally born on Christmas, had a bunch of wise men come and deliver him gold, frankensence and myrhh, had Charlie Brown do a play about his birth.

Flair: Not sure what city he was born in, adopted by a Detroit gynecologist who later settled down in Minnesota.

Advantage: Jesus. Because of the frankensence.



BATTEL 2: EARLY LIFE

Flair: Went to high school in Minnesota, was a good enough football player to earn a scholarship from the U. of Minnesota. Banged a lot of chicks working as a lifeguard at a pool. Ended up training at Verne Gagne's academy alongside the Iron Sheik.

Jesus: Learned carpentry.

Advantage: Flair. Because of Sheiky.




BATTEL 3: EARLY MIRACLES

Jesus: Turned water into wine, started to do some preaching, healed the nobleman's son at Canaa.

Flair: Survived a broken back in a plane crash to win the NWA title for the first time in 1981. Given the honor of the "Nature Boy" from the original "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers. Banged a lot of chicks. Turned wine into the banging of a lot more chicks.

Advantage: Flair. Jesus didn't break his back, nor did he beat Dusty Rhodes.



BATTEL 4: BEST SPEECH

Flair: So many to choose from, but my favorite has to be when he gave Ricky Morton a training bra, immortalized here:



Jesus: Sermon on the Mount.

Advantage: Tie, if only because Mounts are pretty hard to give sermons on.



BATTEL 5: AWARDS

Jesus: That whole "Son of God" thing.

Flair: Sixteen, sixteen, SIXTEEN-time World Champion. Seven-time Wrestling Observer Wrestler of the Year, eventually had the award named after him. Six five-star matches rated by Dave Meltzer. St. Louis Wrestling, NWA, Pro Wrestling and WWE Hall of Fame member. Given "most chicks banged by a white person ever" award.

Advantage: Flair. SIXTEEN TIME!



BATTEL 6: NICKNAMES

Flair: the Nature Boy, the Dirtiest Player in the Game, Space Mountain (the nickname for his penis), Slick Ric, the Sixty-Minute Man, The Man, The Limousine-Ridin' Jet-Flyin' Kiss Stealin' Wheelin Dealin' WHOOOO Son of a Gun.

Jesus: Savior, Son of God, Lamb of God, Hay-Zus, Yahweh, Christ on a Crutch, Christ on a Crouton, Heavy J and the Boyz

Advantage: Flair.


BATTEL 7: THEME SONGS

Jesus: Didn't have one, though if he did, though given the lack of electric guitars in his time, I bet it would've been lame.

Flair: Also Sprach Zarathustra, with a touch of WHOOOOO!

Advantage: Flair.


BATTEL 8: ENEMIES

Flair: Dusty Rhodes, Wahoo McDaniel, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Vader, Ricky Steamboat, Terry Funk, the IRS.

Jesus: Romans.

Advantage: Jesus. Those Romans were bad motherfuckers.


BATTEL 9: LOW POINT

Jesus: Getting killed and stuff.

Flair: Jobbing clean to Rico Constantino.

Advantage: Jesus. Nobody should job to Rico Constantino.


BATTEL 10: MEETING ME

Jesus: Aahahahhahahha. There's no chance whatsoever that I'm going to Heaven, especially after this post.

Flair: Tomorrow night, at the Manhattan Center in New York City. For the low, low cost of $30, the one, the only Ric Flair is going to sign my college thesis at a Ring of Honor show and imbue me with some of his greatness, while I'll probably be drunk and double-Sterking. It shall be the greatest moment of my young life.

Advantage: Me. WHOOOOOOOOO!

2 comments:

Matt said...

Dude, you're paying $30 to meet Ric Flair? I thought it was kinda sad when I thought it was free... Imagine how much foundation and hair dye he'll be able to buy with that $30.

boxcar willy said...

Probably the best Yore yet, although not necessarily the funniest.
Flair VS Jesus would be a Wrestlemania Main Event.
For Jesus's Enemies, you should have added Judas, since he went heel and betrayed him.

Did you at least give him a copy of your thesis?