Friday, June 5, 2009

Vince Wilfork States His Demands

Patriots nose tackle and very large man Vince Wilfork has voiced openly that he is hoping to get a new deal that would pay him much more than the 2.2-million-dollar base salary that he is receiving this year. The Patriots are open to renegotiate with Wilfork before the season starts, but what they are really getting stuck on are the perks that the nose tackle is requesting. Here are a few that Wilfork is looking for:

* Demands that the Patriots immediately change their uniform to pinstripes, because they look slimming.

* An autographed shard of J.P Losman's knee to place on his mantle. And also a thank you letter from the City of Buffalo for ridding them of their shitty Quarterback.

* Chocolate Covered Bacon in the pregame spread, oh and some of these:

* An internet technician on call 24/7 to create and update firewall that prevents Wilfork's wife from posting on blogs.

* That ABC immediately put Family Matters back on the air, and that Wilfork gets to play the role of Carl Winslow. And Reggie Roby must play Urkel, so that Wilfork can slap the shit out of him anytime he wants.

* The immediate opening of a Wafflehouse in Foxborough, and a lifetime supply of free Meat Lovers Omeletes with hashbrowns, a large stack of blueberry pancakes, and some of that Vermont Real Maple Syrup.

* All cameramen in Foxboro must turn their cameras off immediately following the whistle blow, and in no way shape or form show any of Wilfork's post-whistle activities. All elbow drops to Jay Cutler's head should never be caught on TV.

* Some goddamn HGH or steroids for the linebacking crew. Seriously, he can only shove one or two lineman with his massive girth. Plus Tedy seems to have lost a bit of his giddy-up, and Pierre Woods is suffering from a painful bout of "Lackoftalentitus" that some drugs could help alleviate.

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